World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

ROOK (NON BEYBLADE STORY!!!)

Jan. 30, 2011  9:53 PM
 
Ok, im a writer, but, this is NOT about beyblades... but it's equally as good after chapter one ends... this is the first half of chapter one, GIVE ME FEEDBACK! I know, u have no clue about half of this story, but, continue reading... it's worth it.

ROOK: CHAPTER UNO: BY: JBEY

Ying was known throughout his circle of friends as: the man w/o fear. This waz no exception. With the return of his former Evil, a group known as the Emissary, and w/o the help of his now-separated team, The Balance, things had definetely become more stressful, but nothing made Ying afraid. Nothing but the past, which, he knew would never return. At least, not the part he feared.

Trapped inside the sinking Emissary submarine, without a team or contact area, was not even close to intimidating. Using the little physical strength remaining in his body, he jumped at full potential towards the latch. The water, however, prevented this jump from going anywhere but down. Ying fell, and knew he had to escape. It waz not an option not to. Then, he saw it: the opportunity. He waited until the water waz high enough to swim in, then, he grabbed the air tank, put it on upside-down, readied his knife, and began to open the latch. when it opened, he immediately stabbed his knife into the airtank, rocketing him to the surface...

Meanwhile, in Boston, Greek, the new leader of the Emissary, waz ready to remake humanity without free-will...

And, unlike the former leader, he waz about to succeed.

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Part two release date: tommorrow.
Jan. 31, 2011  12:17 AM
 
me likey
Jan. 31, 2011  12:27 AM
 
Many of your sentences are run-ons. It's something you have to watch out for. Also, you shouldn't reveal that much information in the first paragraph. The beginning should be familiarizing the reader with the area or situation around them very lightly. Your use of foreshadowing is way too heavy and throws me off a lot. You want to focus the reader on one thing at a time initially.

Don't go into names, but use detail to explain their character. You want to introduce them later, but keep them mysterious now. Names can get overwelming when brought about all at once.

Getting on detail, you could use more of it. You may want to delve into what was going on in Ying's mind as the water came in, maybe how fast it all came down, what he saw before his escape. You want to get the reader into his head as much as you can since he is the main character at this point in time.
Jan. 31, 2011  12:31 AM
 
(Jan. 31, 2011  12:27 AM)Deikailo Wrote: Many of your sentences are run-ons. It's something you have to watch out for. Also, you shouldn't reveal that much information in the first paragraph. The beginning should be familiarizing the reader with the area or situation around them very lightly. Your use of foreshadowing is way too heavy and throws me off a lot. You want to focus the reader on one thing at a time initially.

Don't go into names, but use detail to explain their character. You want to introduce them later, but keep them mysterious now. Names can get overwelming when brought about all at once.

Getting on detail, you could use more of it. You may want to delve into what was going on in Ying's mind as the water came in, maybe how fast it all came down, what he saw before his escape. You want to get the reader into his head as much as you can since he is the main character at this point in time.

#1: Except for the run-ons, everything i did waz on purpose. Ying's mysterious nature isn't supposed to be revealed. Yet. Also, Ying has no fear... why would anything but ESCAPE be on his mind?

#2: Huge plot twist: Ying is NOT the main character... but, tommorrow, ull know who IS...Smile
Jan. 31, 2011  12:53 AM
 
I know Ying isn't the main character. If I had to guess, he's trying to deliver some kind of message, but gets intercepted, barely making it and handing his role to someone else.

But that's just what I gather from what you've written and my experience with plot devices. I could be wrong.

Even if you do it intentially, you should go into detail. Everyone has fear or else they'd be dead, point blank. As unnerving as it is to say this, to the average person, there's no point in living your life if you don't have anything to lose.

Here, I'll show you an example of what I mean by detail.

Quote:To the average person, being trapped inside a sinking Emissary submarine without the opportunity to send a distress signal would spell out death. To Ying, he knew of no such thing. Fear was the emotion others experienced in his presence or so his colleagues had explained. Underneath this outward strength, he did hold one fear, but he'd never let onto it for he knew it would never return.

It wasn't a sinking ship that would stop him now. Using the little physical strength remaining in his body, he launched himself at the latch of the ship. The rising water, however, prevented this jump from going anywhere but down. Ying collapsed to the ground. No matter what the costs, he had to escape. He searched the metal vessel for a method to break free from his prison. Ying's -insert descriptive colour here- eyes lit up when he saw the perfect tool for departure. He waited until the water was high enough to swim, then he grabbed a nearby air tank, put it on upside-down, readied his knife, and began to open the latch. when it opened, he immediately stabbed his knife into the airtank, rocketing him to the surface...

Then you want to create a visual detail of Greek and add in some dialogue to ease the topic of world domination in. You may want to go over the knife into an airtank again since a knife can't pierce through thick metal.

That's just the basics of detail and transition. As a reader, I have no idea what I'm seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling or tasting based on your writing. You should touch up on all of the five senses. I want to feel like I can be a part of Ying's world for that moment.
Jan. 31, 2011  12:56 AM
 
Well, anyway, tomorrow things heat up, and A LOT more is revealed. no more posts till tomorrow for me.
Jan. 31, 2011  12:22 PM
 
ROOK: CHAPTER UNO (Continued)

In another area of Boston, death was looming. Inside Beth Isreal, Remundo O'Charlie and his father, Tony O'Charlie, where waiting to here the condition of Ray's mother, also Tony's wife. The doctor entered, and said that she would not live to see tomorrow, as she has gone blind, deaf, mute, and numb, along with her terminal disease. Both Ray and Tony did something they NEVER did after hearing this: they both began to cry. After some time, the sobbing ceased, and father and son made their way to their car, which would in turn take them home.

Greek wasn't laughing anymore. He was set on accomplishing his master's goal. At the top of the large clocktower, clad in half-black, half-white armor that was checkered in some places, he looked like a chess board.
"If the world was a chess board, then I would be King..." he said.
"That's too bad," said Ying, entering the top floor, "Because I'm going to kill you before you get that chance"
Greek looked angry, and shocked that Ying was still alive, but, then he noticed the beeping noise indicating that the first clone, the "rook" was ready to kill.
Greek was laughing again.
"If I were about to die, I would be doing the same thing. So, I guess your laughter fits this situation perfectly."
"Fool. The clone is ready. Tell me: did YANG ever succeed in doing THAT???"
The enourmous creature arose from the pot, as if it was brewed. It began to attack Ying. Ying was using his powers to fight it off, but because it was dark out, his powers of light were weakened. The battle turned into a Ying-slaughterfest, and Ying was about to die when he got the idea:
"Any last words, Ying???" asked Greek, mockingly.
"Yes. But, at least my last words won't be NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Ying thrust 5 hand grenades, and when they went off, the tower exploded, blasting Greek far-off. The rook died almost instantly, and Ying was plumeting, unconcious, to his certain death...

On their way home, Ray and Tony noticed the clocktower explode, and instants after realizing this was truly happening, something landed on the car's front windsheild. Tony stopped the car and got out to inspect the damage, and gasped.
"What is it, dad?" asked Ray. No answer. He asked again. After some hesitation, and not so much answering Ray's question as asking one of his own, Tony muttered:
"Ying?"
Jan. 31, 2011  11:15 PM
 
(Jan. 31, 2011  12:53 AM)Deikailo Wrote: I know Ying isn't the main character. If I had to guess, he's trying to deliver some kind of message, but gets intercepted, barely making it and handing his role to someone else.

But that's just what I gather from what you've written and my experience with plot devices. I could be wrong.

Even if you do it intentially, you should go into detail. Everyone has fear or else they'd be dead, point blank. As unnerving as it is to say this, to the average person, there's no point in living your life if you don't have anything to lose.

Here, I'll show you an example of what I mean by detail.

Quote:To the average person, being trapped inside a sinking Emissary submarine without the opportunity to send a distress signal would spell out death. To Ying, he knew of no such thing. Fear was the emotion others experienced in his presence or so his colleagues had explained. Underneath this outward strength, he did hold one fear, but he'd never let onto it for he knew it would never return.

It wasn't a sinking ship that would stop him now. Using the little physical strength remaining in his body, he launched himself at the latch of the ship. The rising water, however, prevented this jump from going anywhere but down. Ying collapsed to the ground. No matter what the costs, he had to escape. He searched the metal vessel for a method to break free from his prison. Ying's -insert descriptive colour here- eyes lit up when he saw the perfect tool for departure. He waited until the water was high enough to swim, then he grabbed a nearby air tank, put it on upside-down, readied his knife, and began to open the latch. when it opened, he immediately stabbed his knife into the airtank, rocketing him to the surface...

Then you want to create a visual detail of Greek and add in some dialogue to ease the topic of world domination in. You may want to go over the knife into an airtank again since a knife can't pierce through thick metal.

That's just the basics of detail and transition. As a reader, I have no idea what I'm seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling or tasting based on your writing. You should touch up on all of the five senses. I want to feel like I can be a part of Ying's world for that moment.

...............................wow your a good critique. That was deepp............can you critique my story as honestly as possible? My dream is to one day become a journalist and maybe along the way write my fair share of novellas......so I need all of the help I can get! It's called 'A Brave New World'. Pretty please??

And this is a great story so far action-packed