World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

My story "Blamed"

Dec. 30, 2012  7:16 PM
 
I am making a story called Blamed and I want to know if anyone likes it or not. Some of my friends say I should publish it but i'm not done with it yet. Here is the introduction:

Intro

Scared, nervous, frightened, these are some of the feelings I had when it happened. It feels like the room is closing in on me, should I lie or tell the truth. So much pressure. This place scares many people and I don’t want to be here. If only IT didn't happen. If only I didn't get Blamed!
Dec. 30, 2012  8:18 PM
 
You switch from past to present tense in the first two sentences but it seems pretty cool. Keep it up!
Dec. 31, 2012  2:22 AM
 
That was actually kind of the idea I have more, I will post tomorrow.
Dec. 31, 2012  7:44 PM
 
Sounds interesting...you could use a little work with punctuation, like instead of, "It feels like the room is closing in on me, should I lie or tell the truth.", maybe, "It feels like the room is closing in on me, "...should I lie or tell the truth...?" it just adds a little more suspense and intrigue to it, i guess. although it is ur story, so do wut u want with it. Wink
Jan. 01, 2013  1:53 PM
 
Pretty good opening. It drew me in to the story just like a good opening should. Obviously others have pointed out grammar mistakes, but those seem like minor errors really. All in all it seems like a bright future for this story. Nice name as well btw.

One question though: is this story about beyblade or just a normal novel type thing
Jan. 03, 2013  6:25 PM
 
Here is another part of my story, I am not a expert so if there are some more grammar mistakes please let me know and I will fix it. Enjoy.

It’s a pretty tough life when your me, King, you got chores, jobs, homework, wait you have that too. I thought I was the only one. Phew! that’s a relief, your most likely thinking right now. Man! This story looks boring, where’s the plot, well just wait a sec! I am getting there but first I have to tell you a little about me. SO DON’T LEAVE!
My name as you know is King, I have a big bro, and a little sis, mom, dad, basically to sum it all up a family. I live in Florida near Disney World. I love to watch TV, play video games, computer games, skateboard, bike, roller skate, write story’s. I am 16 and I am tall for my age so people think I am older, but that’s ok. I go to a online school called Achievement House, it’s cool! You still reading this, I hope so, but for those who are I want to say in advance…. Thx. Anyway, let’s get on with the plot like I promised you.
Jan. 03, 2013  6:55 PM
 
Okay ninjaman60, all i can say is that it needs improvement...

Your intro was fairly good, with a bit of mystery and a nice lead-in to the story. I think the idea of the newest chapter needs to be thought out. The tone is very chatty, and this was probably what you were going for. Really to improve this paragraph you need to:

a) Add more detail (like names, descriptions etc.)
b) Use your scentences more interestingly (like instead of "I live in Florida near Disneyland." you could say "I live in a worn-out, wooden house in the sunny Florida, where the fun sounds of the nearby Disneyland seep through the walls.)
c) Be more exciting! (Tell us some weird things about King, tell us about something from his past that is relevant to the story, tell us about the relationship with his family, friends, tell us weird stuff he does, make him do something that you would expect from a normal person.)

Those are my main tips for improvement here. I'm sorry if that gives off the vibe that I don't like your story. Actually, it's exactly the opposite. I like your story so much I really want to see it improved.

As for grammar you said "thnx", not "thanks". If there is anything else someone else will point it out

Good Luck and Keep Writing,
Jan. 03, 2013  7:06 PM
 
Thanks man, I will put more into just like you said. I like feedback so if anyone has anything else to say go ahead.
Apr. 05, 2013  7:07 PM
 
Have you ever been grounded and you feel like it wasn't your fault but deep down somewhere in your heart you know it is? That’s how I feel but it was my fault that I spent my time going out with friends and I accidentally went past my curfew.This sucks but I guess that’s life you know, you win some you loose some. I am not grounded from the game or anything, just the computer. I have been waiting though because I wanted to search something that had to do with a brand new video game. I knew I had to wait to search it and it was killing me but I couldn't do anything. I went to bed and couldn't wait until tomorrow because I usually get grounded for a day. I heard a loud BANG! Downstairs, it was like 5:00am in the morning, I peeked downstairs to see what was going on and the police were in my house! Searching the place up and down like they were looking for something. Were my parents hiding something from me and my bro and sis, or was it that my bro or sis is hiding something from me. I wasn't sure but I knew it wasn't me! I came all the way down the stairs and asked what was going on. My parents told me to go back up stairs and before I did, I hear someone ask if anyone has a computer. My parents looked at me but I told them I was innocent. The police went onto my computer and found some top secret government stuff that I didn't search! I ran for some reason, I



knew I shouldn't have but I couldn't be blamed for something I didn't do. I ran outside and hid in some woods so they wouldn't find me. I heard the chief say spread out and search for the boy. I was so scared, sweat was coming from my head. I ran through the woods and new right there and right now that I was a fugitive for the police. The sun came out after hours and I was sure I would end up on the news, sooner or later. I had to get some new clothes though. I was still in my pajama’s and I couldn't wear these, or they would spot me for sure. I went into a store and nobody really recognized me but I could see people staring and looking. I ask a lady if they had any clothes I could wear. She pointed me towards the men sections and I got some clothes. I told her I was homeless and didn't have any money. She bought the clothes for me and I was on my way.