World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

My First Story (part 1)

Poll: What do You think

Bad
25.00%
2
Good
50.00%
4
Awesome!!!
25.00%
2
Total: 100% 8 vote(s)
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Jan. 29, 2011  1:41 PM
 
Here it is:
The morning Sun had just risen when 13 year old, Ashoka Timaru, had decided to run away from home. He wanted to leave because his parents wouldn't let him Beyblade. He packed his Beyblades, 2 pairs of clothes, and $50. Ashoka was forced to ride his bike because he is not old enough to drive. He rode for 25 miles without stopping but by then it was 4:00P.M. He decided to eat and when he came back he had only $40 and his bike was missing. Ashoka saw the person who stole it and approached him....

Tell me What you guys think.
Feb. 02, 2011  3:59 AM
 
Ashoka was slightly intimidated by the size of the bike-thief, his clothes gave him the impression that he would fight to steal anything . But he had to get his bike back, after all it was his only transportation. Ashoka said ," I challenge you to a Beybattle for my bike to keep." "You think you can take me on? I'd like to see that!" said the bike thief. " 3...2...1... Go Shoot!" And the battle began. Ashoka yelled "Come on Cyber Akamaru,
Digital Wave Strike." And Cyber Akamaru GB145 LF disappeared in a wave of numbers. A moment later he reappeared on top of the bike-thief's Earth Leone 145WB. Akamaru tilted and nailed his metal wheel against Earth Leone and it shattered like glass. Ashoka said, " I'll be taking my bike now." He took his green bike and left the bike thief in tears.
(To Be Continued)
Feb. 02, 2011  2:19 PM
 
good story
Feb. 02, 2011  2:34 PM
 
Bad.
Feb. 02, 2011  2:42 PM
 
Good, but i would go into a bit more of detail, like, here.

Ashoka was slightly intimidated by the size of the bike-thief, his clothes gave him the impression that he would fight to steal anything . But he had to get his bike back, after all it was his only transportation. Ashoka said ," I challenge you to a Beybattle for my bike to keep." "You think you can take me on? I'd like to see that!" said the bike thief. " 3...2...1... Go Shoot!" And the battle began. Ashoka yelled "Come on Cyber Akamaru,
Digital Wave Strike." And Cyber Akamaru GB145 LF disappeared in a wave of numbers. A moment later he reappeared on top of the bike-thief's Earth Leone 145WB. Akamaru tilted and nailed his metal wheel against Earth Leone and it shattered like glass. Ashoka said, " I'll be taking my bike now." He took his green bike and left the bike thief in tears.
(To Be Continued)

Miner changes, But Very good, Keep working on it and someday you can be a great writer!
(Feb. 02, 2011  2:34 PM)Rock Kyouya Wrote: Bad.

^ bad comment.
He just needs to work on it.
Feb. 02, 2011  3:00 PM
 
Thanks for the feedback guys I'll be working on my writing and I also except SOME character requests.
Feb. 02, 2011  3:34 PM
 
(Feb. 02, 2011  3:00 PM)AxBlader Wrote: Thanks for the feedback guys I'll be working on my writing and I also except SOME character requests.

Your welcome. I'd request a char, but i don't like to do that kind of stuff much.
Feb. 02, 2011  4:42 PM
 
I'm sure he could do better, but it's like you didn't try. Your next one better be betterJoyful_2
Feb. 02, 2011  5:03 PM
 
Ashoka was riding by a smallish town when he was hit by what seemed like a brick wall. He fell off his bike and flew nearly 10 feet away. He hit the cold ground and fell unconscious. Ashoka awoke in a hospital not knowing what was happening. All he could see was a bright light. He didn't know what it was, a lamp, the tunnel to the afterlife, the thoughts were countless. He was shook back into reality and he saw a girl with red hair. She wore a blue jacket and black shorts. Her shoes were red and she had a few freckles on her face. "Hi" Ashoka said quietly. "I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hit you." said the girl concerned. "My name is Kyra, What's yours." "Ashoka," he replied " Where's my stuff?" he asked and for the first time he noticed he wasn't wearing his normal black jeans and grey T-shirt....
Feb. 02, 2011  5:07 PM
 
Great! You really improved! keep it up!
Feb. 02, 2011  5:40 PM
 
Ashoka had finally recovered from the hit after what seemed like years. Kyra had decided to travel with Ashoka. They were sitting in a park and were having smoothies together. "Thanks for getting my bike fixed." Ashoka said as an ice-breaker. "It was my fault anyways, but your welcome." replied Kyra, " Ashoka, Where are you going anyways." For the first time Ashoka thought about where he was going and said, "Please, call me Ash and I don't really know where I'm going, just where ever life takes me, I guess." " I heard there was a Beyblade tournament in the next town over, if you wanted to enter." said Kyra shyly. " How did you know I beyblade." Kyra replied, " I saw your beyblade when I was getting your stuff for you." "Oh, well maybe I'll go but only if you come to cheer me on." said Ash coolly. " Sure we'll leave first thing tomorrow." Kyra said eagerly. That night Ash stayed in the guest bedroom at Kyra's house.....
Feb. 02, 2011  5:42 PM
 
Awesome!!!!!!
Feb. 02, 2011  5:57 PM
 
Well done my friend. It's kinda hard waiting for the next one since it's starting to get good.
Feb. 02, 2011  7:40 PM
 
When they arrived at the Bey-Arena the crowd was talking as loud as a thunder storm. Ash signed up at the front desk and got the last spot. His first competitor was a rather skinny and pale-looking guy with braces. His hair was as black as midnight and his expression told everyone to back off. After several wins and losses it was Ash's turn. He took out his red Launcher grip and put on his yellow Beylauncher. The announcer, who had a rather deep voice, yelled, along with the crowd, "3...2...1...Go SHOOOT!!" and both of the beys flew into the stadium.The opponent's bey was gold and black but nobody had ever seen it used before. "Hell Kerbecs Burial Smash!!" commanded the opponent. Hell Kerbecs dove around the stadium like an eagle after fish. And after a short pause Kerbecs leaned in and smashed into Akamaru faster than sound. There was a shock wave and then an explosion before you could see Akamaru flying into the sky. Their was a gasp in the crowd. "Come on Akamaru, Cyber Wave Return!!!" yelled Ash. Akamaru dove down, out of the sky, in a lightning bolt and Kerbecs was split directly in half and the match was over. The opponent gave a look to Ash that showed so many things at once, anger, jealousy, revenge, despair.....
Feb. 02, 2011  7:50 PM
 
AWSOMEER THAN B4!!!!!!!!!! LOTS OF D TAIL!
Feb. 02, 2011  11:42 PM
 
That story is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DJ 2002 - Disappointed ...Joyful_2Tongue_out_wink
Feb. 03, 2011  5:54 PM
 
Great !!!
Feb. 07, 2011  5:30 PM
 
I didn't like the first part but you made one heck of an ending. More people need to read it.
Feb. 08, 2011  4:06 AM
 
Ashoka had defeated one enemy but, little did he know that it would be his last. Soon after the match a large explosion happened as Ash headed to the sidelines. He saw green, then red, and finally white. He opened his eyes in what seemed like nothing. He saw Kyra. She was crying. The opponent was there looking at Ash with the same look. He had one last thing to say to Kyra and he said it. "I love you." Then he closed his eyes for the last time......