World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Other Closed Threads

My Beyblade saga (Beyblade Story)

Jan. 01, 2012  6:03 PM
 
Introduction

My name is Jay.I got my first Beyblade when I was 4.It was a Dragoon G.As soon as the series ended,I threw my Beyblade away.I always missed the poor thing.It was the only thing that could make me happy.I started crying when I wanted my bey back.When I turned 10,Beyblade metal fusion came out,and my friend had bought some.He knew how much I loved Beyblade,so he customized one.He also bought a Dragoon G off his cousin who had one still,and gave it to me.I got a Flame Virgo 100 WD.I heard that Legend Beyblades came out,so I bought one.I kept Dragoon and Virgo as collectables.I was finally happy again.I got Legend Thunder Libra,Legend Cyber Pegasus,Counter Leone,Rock Orso,and Dark Bull.I customised them all.I realized I had five of them.I customised them to make a Cyber Libra D125SD.I kept the spare parts and put them away.Libra is a very special bey to me,and I will keep it forever.I will never again make the mistake I made with my first Dragoon G.
That is just the introduction.I will post some more chapters soon!
(Jan. 01, 2012  6:03 PM)RuneScape God Z Wrote: Introduction

My name is Jay.I got my first Beyblade when I was 4.It was a Dragoon G.As soon as the series ended,I threw my Beyblade away.I always missed the poor thing.It was the only thing that could make me happy.I started crying when I wanted my bey back.When I turned 10,Beyblade metal fusion came out,and my friend had bought some.He knew how much I loved Beyblade,so he customized one.He also bought a Dragoon G off his cousin who had one still,and gave it to me.I got a Flame Virgo 100 WD.I heard that Legend Beyblades came out,so I bought one.I kept Dragoon and Virgo as collectables.I was finally happy again.I got Legend Thunder Libra,Legend Cyber Pegasus,Counter Leone,Rock Orso,and Dark Bull.I customised them all.I realized I had five of them.I customised them to make a Cyber Libra D125B.I kept the spare parts and put them away.Libra is a very special bey to me,and I will keep it forever.I will never again make the mistake I made with my first Dragoon G.
That is just the introduction.I will post some more chapters soon!
By some more chapters I meanConfusedome chapters.That is not counted as a chapter!

Jan. 01, 2012  6:22 PM
 
So...Sad...(at beginning)
Why would you throw away a Beyblade?!?!?!
I KNOW,this ain't real.
I have a character request:

Name: Eron Kameroon
Bey name:(made up or not)Eron Kameroon L:D (Left Spin)(Left Drive)
Type:Unknown
Special move: Eron Kameroon(does nothing but forces to sleep out)
Look:Shadowy cloak showing nothing
Bey Appearance:Invisible
History:Unknown
Personality:Dark,Evil,Unbeatable
Jan. 01, 2012  6:30 PM
 
(Jan. 01, 2012  6:22 PM)rydeatwon Wrote: So...Sad...(at beginning)
Why would you throw away a Beyblade?!?!?!
I KNOW,this ain't real.
I have a character request:

Name: Eron Kameroon
Bey nameUnhappymade up or not)Eron Kameroon LGrin (Left Spin)(Left Drive)
Type:Unknown
Special move: Eron Kameroon(does nothing but forces to sleep out)
LookConfusedhadowy cloak showing nothing
Bey Appearance:Invisible
History:Unknown
PersonalityGrinark,Evil,Unbeatable
I won't accept character requests.Sorry.
Jan. 02, 2012  9:47 PM
 
This story IS,true.
Jan. 03, 2012  3:25 PM
 
CHAPTER ONE

It was a nice Saturday morning and I was at home bey battling with my brother in my beystadium with my Cyber Libra and won.I knew that we were going out for lunch.I asked my dad what we were doing,just to double check."Dad?"I asked.My dad answered,"Yes Jay?".I asked what we were doing,and guess what he said?"It's our moving day!".I go,"What!?" in a shocked voice."I can't just leave my ONLY,friends behind!!!".My mom adds,"Dont speak to us like that!U'll make new friends!".I yell,"YOU DON'T GET MY POINT!!!My voice echoes across the room."Be quiet!Indoor voice!" my dad added."If i'm loud,can you just say:'Be Quiet'?Indoor voice is for kindergarten.",I said."Jay!Don't you dare talk back like that!" My parents said together."You will have SO many more friends than you did before!"My dad says."How do you know...?",I said in a sad voice."You'll see!",My mom says in a nice voice.
Soon enough,we were there.I saw the school,it was nice.I got a tour of it the next day.I brought my Beyblade gear and Beyblade inside my new house.I got to choose my bedroom."This house is HUGE!",I thought.I got one of the biggest bedrooms.(Because of all of my stuff,including Beyblade stuff)Nothing much happened on Sunday.We went out for lunch.Nothing more interesting happened.On Monday,I went to school.I saw TONS,of kids playing Beyblade!Some even brought their stadiums!I challenged one kid to a battle.He said ok.We both readied our launchers.
"3!",I called out
"2!",The other kid called out.
"1!",We both called out.
"Let it rip!",the crowd called out.
Our beys approached the stadium.One kid called out,"That's a Flame Libra D125SD!Watch out,Jason!So the other kid's name was Jason.Interesting.My Libra was circling the middle of the stadium.Jason's bey was circling the full stadium.It had gold on it's energy ring.It was spinning the opposite way of mine!'It must be a lightning L-Drago 100HF!',I thought.L-Drago was constantly hitting my Libra!Libra just didn't feel it somehow!I had the advantage.My bey suddenly knocked L-Drago into a pocket.I won!"Awwwwwwwwww...",Jason said,picking up his bey.I said,"Yeah!",picking up mine.It was time to go in,so we lined up.I just couldn't wait for first recess!
Jan. 05, 2012  2:48 AM
 
...
This story has horribel grammar.
And do I see you trying to use U instead of you?
Work on grammar, spacing, etc, and I may be able to read this.
Because I can't understand what you wrote. (Make sure to use spellcheck in MSword!)
Jan. 06, 2012  7:36 AM
 
Try using a little description as well. I'm not the best writer, but in this story I have no clue what the characters look like and can't really get a feel on their personality. It all just kind of runs together at a pretty fast pace. Just my opinion. Keep going though.
Jan. 06, 2012  11:52 AM
 
You really need to use proper grammar. More plot needed. Try to work on it, you'll get the hang of it someday Smile
Jan. 10, 2012  2:12 AM
 
Ok.This IS about me,so it's kinda hard to change the storyline
Jan. 10, 2012  2:43 AM
 
(Jan. 01, 2012  6:03 PM)BeyBlade God001 Wrote: Introduction

My name is Jay.I got my first Beyblade when I was 4.It was a Dragoon G.As soon as the series ended,I threw my Beyblade away.I always missed the poor thing.It was the only thing that could make me happy.I started crying when I wanted my bey back.When I turned 10,Beyblade metal fusion came out,and my friend had bought some.He knew how much I loved Beyblade,so he customized one.He also bought a Dragoon G off his cousin who had one still,and gave it to me.I got a Flame Virgo 100 WD.I heard that Legend Beyblades came out,so I bought one.I kept Dragoon and Virgo as collectables.I was finally happy again.I got Legend Thunder Libra,Legend Cyber Pegasus,Counter Leone,Rock Orso,and Dark Bull.I customised them all.I realized I had five of them.I customised them to make a Cyber Libra D125B.I kept the spare parts and put them away.Libra is a very special bey to me,and I will keep it forever.I will never again make the mistake I made with my first Dragoon G.
That is just the introduction.I will post some more chapters soon!



not bad build it up a little and the story can get way better if its based of the new beyblade its gonna be kinda better both series had so many bey parts and besides i also did a beyblade comic based on the new series.....it was corney but readible.....but you improve you story and chapters im 100% possitive you'll get it

Jan. 15, 2012  12:20 AM
 
(Jan. 10, 2012  2:43 AM)metal-surge Wrote:
(Jan. 01, 2012  6:03 PM)BeyBlade God001 Wrote: Introduction

My name is Jay.I got my first Beyblade when I was 4.It was a Dragoon G.As soon as the series ended,I threw my Beyblade away.I always missed the poor thing.It was the only thing that could make me happy.I started crying when I wanted my bey back.When I turned 10,Beyblade metal fusion came out,and my friend had bought some.He knew how much I loved Beyblade,so he customized one.He also bought a Dragoon G off his cousin who had one still,and gave it to me.I got a Flame Virgo 100 WD.I heard that Legend Beyblades came out,so I bought one.I kept Dragoon and Virgo as collectables.I was finally happy again.I got Legend Thunder Libra,Legend Cyber Pegasus,Counter Leone,Rock Orso,and Dark Bull.I customised them all.I realized I had five of them.I customised them to make a Cyber Libra D125B.I kept the spare parts and put them away.Libra is a very special bey to me,and I will keep it forever.I will never again make the mistake I made with my first Dragoon G.
That is just the introduction.I will post some more chapters soon!



not bad build it up a little and the story can get way better if its based of the new beyblade its gonna be kinda better both series had so many bey parts and besides i also did a beyblade comic based on the new series.....it was corney but readible.....but you improve you story and chapters im 100% possitive you'll get it

I said :This story is true!!!I know that I have to work on grammar,but I cannot change it.If I change my storyline,the story would be ruined.That is why I am saying this.Ok metal surge.
Jan. 16, 2012  12:00 AM
 
right.
But you still can make the grammar better, clean it up, make it less like an autobiograph and more story like (Yes, you want it to be your life basically, but still. Make it more story like. Not like an expository.)
Jan. 20, 2012  11:21 PM
 
(Jan. 16, 2012  12:00 AM)~X~ Wrote: right.
But you still can make the grammar better, clean it up, make it less like an autobiograph and more story like (Yes, you want it to be your life basically, but still. Make it more story like. Not like an expository.)
I said: I know that I have to fix grammar.
I don't wanna delete this thread.Ok.

Jan. 31, 2012  11:14 PM
 
I guess I have no choice...
I will change the title of this thread,maybe delete it,and re-write it.