(Lightning blade's Story) The Origami Demon

Poll: how well do you all think i am at writing a story

EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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0
meh it's ok i suppose
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please don't post any more chapters
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Total: 0% 0 vote(s)
Ok everyone here is a story i wrote it's about a demon child who doesn't actually know he's a demon until his "father" tells him that he is one and the only way to get the demon to be gone is to build the origami crane and locate the crane crested sword put the 2 together and hopefully make the demon be gone but Oni dosen't have much time as the full power of the demon takes over on his 15th birthday will he have enough time you'll have to find out.I hope to get the other chapters up soon hope you all like and i appreciate all feedback thank you

Chapter 1
Well, first of all, it lacks grammar, especially for the speech. Also, try and have more variety in the description... which brings me onto my second point.

As it is first person, I would say that you need to describe what the character's thinking and feeling, rather than just having the character talk on and on.

I would like to stress once again on grammar, this is needed a lot, please edit it.
ok jacolal thanks for the feedback i will do that gimme another review after thanks
It's no problem, as a writer myself, I love helping people out. Pm me whenever you need help.

Sorry for double.post.

After seeing the grammar you've added, its a better story. However, it still lacks some detail. Also, there are some Grammar errors still there, which I'd be happy to point out tomorrow when I'm on the computer.

Only thing I cqn say is try and add details s in the way the character moves and how it thinks... Etc.

Hope this helps.
Yeah thanks jacolal i'd appreciate that and look forward to working with you