Ok everyone here is a story i wrote it's about a demon child who doesn't actually know he's a demon until his "father" tells him that he is one and the only way to get the demon to be gone is to build the origami crane and locate the crane crested sword put the 2 together and hopefully make the demon be gone but Oni dosen't have much time as the full power of the demon takes over on his 15th birthday will he have enough time you'll have to find out.I hope to get the other chapters up soon hope you all like and i appreciate all feedback thank you

Chapter 1

Spoiler (Click to View)

"Yeah i'm so excited it's only 2 months now till my 15th birthday I can't wait what about you Dad huh huh"?"Yes I can't wait either what do you have in mind as a gift"?
"Well only the brand new games console or a ninja sword like the one in my favourite tv show".
"Well we'll see about those".
"Ok Dad oh i'm gonna go out with my mates in a miniute so I probably wont be back till after 8 ish is that ok"?
"What about food you'll be hungry"?
"Meh i'll be fine so can I".
"Well ok then what harm are you doing haha".
"Yeah thanks bye then. See ya kiddo".

"Ahh it feels great just 2 months till my birthday and not a care in the world I can't wait".
Then Oni hears a mysterious voice:
"Huh what was that I think it's coming from over there". "Hello anyone there".

Then a mysterious voice says:
"Yes my child of course someone is there why it's your own flesh and blood".

Oni wondered where the voice was coming from then spoke back and said:
"Huh what do you mean who are you or what are you how am I your flesh and blood what are you talking about you creep".
The voice then said:
"Why you off course look around you Oni who else would I be talking to and calling my son for I am your father after all".
Oni now worried shoued not too loud though:
"What!!!!!! What are you talking about. Where are you. What do you want creep".
The voice then said;
"Can you see all the litt...
And before the voice could finish:
Shhh i've got to go now my boy i'll tell you next time".
Oni trembled:
"Wait who are you come back"

Oni now scared and shaken starts to wonder what the mysterious voice was talking about before:
"Oni Oni what are you doing". "Me oh nothing Yujin lets go do something". "Emm sure lets go then".

Yujin curious about what went on in that alley started asking what went on:
"So what were you doing back there you looked kinda scared Oni"? "Oh i didi well i'm not scared and i wasn't doing anything com'on lets go make some origami i'm gonna try the crane again what about you"? "Oh i'm gonna try the bird not the crane bird just a plain bird com'on lets hurry we're nearly at my house".

Then Oni still a little shaken starts to think about what the demon says:
Hmmm I wonder what he ment by i'm his son Hmmm

"Hey Oni,Yeah Yujin,what are you doing it's like you were daydreaming haha anyway look I made the bird did you make the crane"? "No I can't do it i'll have to practice more well I gotta get going now it's like half 7 a at night so"... "Yeah you better get going Oni we'll do more origami tommrow maybe ok". "Yeah Yujin bye then".

Then Oni not really scared anymore begins to wonder what the mysterious voice said again:
"Hmmm what did that creep mean by that,should i go back and see if it comes back hmmm it's like 10 to 8 so i'll go back and see if it comes back".
So Oni felling really brave goes back to the alley where the voice came from and starts to shout:

"HELLO HELLO anyone there where the hell are you com'on come out here stop being scared hmmm chicken i'm leaving".
Then the voice says:
"Wait my boy where are you going you just got here what's the rush".
Oni trying not to sound scared replies in his bravest voice:
"Oh really is that all you got you creep i'm definitely leaving".

Then the mysterious character grabbed him from behind and shouted in a really deep voice:
"WAIT WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING SON LIKE I SAID YOU JUST GOT HERE AND YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE HAHAHAHAHAHA"
Oni clearly shaken and disturbed started screaming:
Huh,what,no,HELP HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And the deep voice then said there's no one here to help you no one but me your FATHER HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

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Spoiler (Click to View)

Well, first of all, it lacks grammar, especially for the speech. Also, try and have more variety in the description... which brings me onto my second point.

As it is first person, I would say that you need to describe what the character's thinking and feeling, rather than just having the character talk on and on.

I would like to stress once again on grammar, this is needed a lot, please edit it.

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Important Stuff (Click to View)

Natsu smiles at his opponent, ready for combat. His reawakened spirit shines through his body, as he lights his fists. He jumps, as he breathes in the flames of hell itself, his lungs expanding rapidly... His 2 opponents stare in fear of their ferocious enemy and ready themselves...


Members I wish to battle:

Spoiler (Click to View)

1. Switchblad3r
   
2. XKai_DranzerX
   
3. Bularieleone
   
4. Kyler_the best
   
5. Luck
   
6. Blitz
   
7. Manicben
   
8. Akio314
   
9. Rnold201
   
10. Kai-v
    
11. Shining God MS
    
12. Ryukiba
    
13. Hakumen
    
14. SoulNinja
    
15. AZL
    
16. UltimiteOrion
    
17. Ingulit
    
18. Ga'Hooleone
    

I try and help the WBO, so here's some important threads, and some important posts. I haven't been on for a while, so pm me on updates please!! [spoiler]

1. BEYWIKI
   
2. The beywiki project
   
3. Difference between duo and phantom
   
4. WBO community rules
   
5. Comprtitive MFB discussions
   
6. Build me a combo
   
7. Competitive Heavy Metal System Combos
   
8. Misconception of R vs R2F and possibility of LRF
   
9. Bey Marketplace
   
10. Beginner's guide to custom MFB construction
    
11. A new, Experimental RuleSet?!
    
12. RS vs RDF vs RB vs CS vs RSF
    

ok jacolal thanks for the feedback i will do that gimme another review after thanks

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Spoiler (Click to View)

It's no problem, as a writer myself, I love helping people out. Pm me whenever you need help.

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Sorry for double.post.

After seeing the grammar you've added, its a better story. However, it still lacks some detail. Also, there are some Grammar errors still there, which I'd be happy to point out tomorrow when I'm on the computer.

Only thing I cqn say is try and add details s in the way the character moves and how it thinks... Etc.

Hope this helps.

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Important Stuff (Click to View)

Natsu smiles at his opponent, ready for combat. His reawakened spirit shines through his body, as he lights his fists. He jumps, as he breathes in the flames of hell itself, his lungs expanding rapidly... His 2 opponents stare in fear of their ferocious enemy and ready themselves...


Members I wish to battle:

Spoiler (Click to View)

1. Switchblad3r
   
2. XKai_DranzerX
   
3. Bularieleone
   
4. Kyler_the best
   
5. Luck
   
6. Blitz
   
7. Manicben
   
8. Akio314
   
9. Rnold201
   
10. Kai-v
    
11. Shining God MS
    
12. Ryukiba
    
13. Hakumen
    
14. SoulNinja
    
15. AZL
    
16. UltimiteOrion
    
17. Ingulit
    
18. Ga'Hooleone
    

I try and help the WBO, so here's some important threads, and some important posts. I haven't been on for a while, so pm me on updates please!! [spoiler]

1. BEYWIKI
   
2. The beywiki project
   
3. Difference between duo and phantom
   
4. WBO community rules
   
5. Comprtitive MFB discussions
   
6. Build me a combo
   
7. Competitive Heavy Metal System Combos
   
8. Misconception of R vs R2F and possibility of LRF
   
9. Bey Marketplace
   
10. Beginner's guide to custom MFB construction
    
11. A new, Experimental RuleSet?!
    
12. RS vs RDF vs RB vs CS vs RSF
    

Yeah thanks jacolal i'd appreciate that and look forward to working with you

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Spoiler (Click to View)