World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Other Closed Threads

Light of My Life (NOT A BEYBLADE STORY)

Poll: Do you like my story?

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Sep. 15, 2011  12:59 AM
 
Ok before I start if you dont like love related stories than dont read.

It was a day like any other day, I was in a classroom learning. Oh but not on math, on Ashley. Its gotten to the point where I know I have a crush on her, so I study. Yes im studing HER not math, to see whats going on inside that brain of hers, to find out what shes thinking. Alas I was only 11 years old, were too young. So im taking this time to find out all about her, and try to make her life a happy one. "Hey Grey do you know the answer to number seven?" asked Ashley. "Uh sure its 235." I said. "Oh ok." She said. If only we could become something, something more than just classmates. But still, were too young. Ring! Thats the bell. "Ok class your homework is to do workbook page 45." The teacher said as we all left.

End of Chapter 1

Watcha Think? Pretty good right! Also Im preparing a comic for it on Pixton.
Sep. 15, 2011  1:22 AM
 
There are some spelling and grammar errors in there. Also, near the end, it feels really rushed. Going from answering a math question to the bell ringing in one word, without any transition. I also think it's a little short, and we don't know much about the plot or story.
Sep. 15, 2011  1:23 AM
 
Oh sorry let me try to fix the errors. Also did you enjoy it?
Sep. 15, 2011  1:27 AM
 
Hmm, like I said, it's kinda short, so I can't really judge it. I'll wait for more chapters, then I'll think about it.
Sep. 15, 2011  1:31 AM
 
The reason why its so short is too build tension, and the reason why we dont know much about the characters yet is because it will all be revealed later in the story
Sep. 17, 2011  1:04 AM
 
Chapter 2

As I left Ashley called me over. "Grey can you come here?" She said. I walked toward her, shy as ever. "My lockers budged, can you open it?" She asked. You see I am a master at lock picking so I get that alot, but really opening HER locker? It just didnt seem right. I mean really peeping into your crushes locker is bad, but when she asks you to its even worse! "Uh ok sure." I said. Why did I say that? Couldnt I have just said no? Well I guess not. So I picked the lock, tried not to look inside and left. "Thank you!" she said before I was too far away. Huh why is she paying attention to me all of the sudden today? She used to think I never existed! I do not get girls.

End of chapter two
Sep. 17, 2011  2:15 PM
 
Mods close this thread, it turned out to be really bad