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Jake,Hero of light.

Poll: How do you like it?

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?
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1
Good
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Terrible
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1
Bad
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1
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Feb. 23, 2012  10:19 PM
 
...Where...Ugh...


Chapter One:The Complicated Start

"Jake!Jake,wake up!",My friend Adam called out as I was lying on the ground,motionless.Adam took me to the hospital.The doctor said,"Just give him a few days.He'll be in perfect condition in no time!" Then Adam sighed,he was still worried though.A few days past.I finally woke up.Adam came back to the hospital to check on me.He saw that I was up."Phew.Your'e safe",Adam said.I then asked,"Can we go now?" Adam said,"Sure".And that's what started it.I admit that having a fist fight wasn't what I wanted,but I had no choice.I got hurt really badly.

We went to my house.I went online to check out some pictures for my cousin."Wow.I didn't want this.Lets retry",I said.I kept searching and the same carping photos showed up."Holly carp!",I yelled in anger.I stopped searching.A random light came out of nowhere.My whole house disappeared!Some random elder was telling me something.This is what he said:"Jake!Your anger level is too high ever since you left the hospital!Can you just control your anger!?!?!?" I reply,"No!It's just too hard!" The elder said,"Don't worry,you can do it." I appeared back in my house after that sentence."This is so weird",I thought to myself.

Me and Adam went to Harvey's for lunch.They took TOO long to get my meal ready.I asked how much longer,and they said "2 minutes". I said OK,but still confused."That's it!",I said."This is just too complicated!".I didn't like those people,so I wanted to do take out.They didn't do take out,so I had to eat inside.After me and Adam finished,we left...
Feb. 23, 2012  10:21 PM
 
epic
Feb. 23, 2012  10:21 PM
 
Thanx
Feb. 23, 2012  10:38 PM
 
Well, this was...
interesting to say the least.
You have capitalization, but if I were you, I would:
Develop plot more, and don't have actionless sentences. Good example of a good sentance using one of yours as a base: Adam looked down at my motionless body, a fearful look on his face. He grabbed my arm, hauled me up and over his shoulder, and trudged his way to the hospital.
Whenever a new person speaks, start a new line, like so:
"Hey jo" bob said
"Hey bob" joe said.
And finally... Don't take character requests! And on that note, make sure your main character isn't a mary-sue (Perfect in every way, never does wrong, only has friends, etc).
And GRAMMAR GRAMMAR GRAMMAR.
Feb. 23, 2012  10:43 PM
 
Thanx.I'll try to get grammar and everything else fixed.I will be making more chapters soon.Probably each week or so.
Feb. 24, 2012  12:05 AM
 
Like it super EPICNESS!Tell me when you post the other chapters.Just so I can be the first one to read them!
Feb. 24, 2012  12:35 AM
 
(Feb. 24, 2012  12:05 AM)JayRoss899 Wrote: Tell me when you post the other chapters.Just so I can be the first one to read them!
No.Sorry.I can't tell you in time to be the first one to read it.

Feb. 24, 2012  1:26 PM
 
Next chapter is coming on Monday
Feb. 27, 2012  10:46 PM
 
Chapter 2:A Saddening Death

After me and Adam left Harvey's,I went to the park.I got there and saw a really hot girl fighting a monster.
"Stop!" I yelled.
"No!I need to kill this hideous beast!" The girl replied.I then grabbed on her arm recklessly and ran away.I took her to my house.
"Thank you!You saved my life..." She said well fainting.
I tried to hug her,but she woke up unexpectedly.
"What the hell are you doing!?" The girl said in shock.
I replied,"Nothing!" I blushed after my reply.
"Good",She said.She then fell asleep.It was dark,and then I got tired.I started sleeping beside her.

It was morning.I woke up,and the girl was gone.I went back to the park,and there
she was.Fighting.Adam heard a growl from the park.He headed toward it.Adam saw the girl fighting the monster,so he pushed her out of the way.Adam was trying to fight.
"No!" I cried,with my hand out.The monster poked it's claw right though Adam's body,with blood flying everywhere.Me and the girl started crying.

Me and the girl went back to my house.We sat on my bed for a bit.
"Oh!I forgot to introduce myself!My name's Taylor!" The girl said.
"Mine's Jake",I replied.I started flirting with Taylor,then eventually,she kissed me on the cheek.I forgot that I was going to go to Adam's funeral.We arrived and in a few seconds,we started crying...
(Feb. 23, 2012  10:43 PM)crax686 Wrote: Thanx.I'll try to get grammar and everything else fixed.
IDK if I had fixed everything


.
I know some of you may think chapter 2 is sad,but don't worry.The next few chapters won't be as sad.

Feb. 27, 2012  11:36 PM
 
Like it!Can I be in it?If I can,I wanna be named Jacob.
Feb. 27, 2012  11:39 PM
 
Sad in 2nd chapter.Like it though!Keep going!
Feb. 27, 2012  11:46 PM
 
Next chapter comes on Saturday.
Mar. 02, 2012  10:24 PM
 
(Feb. 27, 2012  11:46 PM)Crax686 Wrote: Next chapter comes on Saturday.
I don't have time on Saturday,so I can't post the chapter.Sorry about the wait guys.


Mar. 03, 2012  3:37 PM
 
Nice story!
Mar. 05, 2012  12:36 AM
 
Thanx dude I just need to get the whole chapter thing all worked out cuz my friends wanna read it and there requesting some weird characters and ideas which are REALLY (and I mean REALLY) worked up