[Fan Fiction]  Reviewing OC Characters/Fanfictions

Greetings everyone! I decided to post this little thing here for some fun. Here, you can post some chapters of your fanfictions as well as your oc characters to discuss/for me to review. Here is the OC Template:

(General Info)
Character Name:
Character Alias/Nicknames:
Character Age:
Bey(s)(Specify Evolutions, Systems, Types, and Rotations):

(Descriptions):
Physical Appearance:
Noticeable Features(Scars, Special Clothing, Jewelry, etc):
Personality:
Likes:
Dislikes:
Character Alignment(See D&D Alignment Chart):
Backstory:

(Other):
Special Moves(If Any):
Launch Techniques(If Any):
Quotes(Optional):
Relationships with other Characters(Optional):


As for the season stories/chapters, I will be judging them off of a 25 or 30 point scale.

Characterization: /5
Dialogue: /5
Plot/Pacing: /5
Grammar: /5
Battles(If Any): /5
Detail: /5

For humor/funny stories, I will be judging them off of a 20 point scale.

Humor: /5
Grammar: /5
Zaniness: /5
Overall Enjoyment: /5


I will only review beyblade stories, though, as I am not well versed in some other fandoms. Feel free to submit characters or chapters for review and some constructive criticism!
(May. 26, 2021  7:22 PM)MasterofDerp Wrote: Greetings everyone! I decided to post this little thing here for some fun. Here, you can post some chapters of your fanfictions as well as your oc characters to discuss/for me to review. Here is the OC Template:

(General Info)
Character Name:
Character Alias/Nicknames:
Character Age:
Bey(s)(Specify Evolutions, Systems, Types, and Rotations):

(Descriptions):
Physical Appearance:
Noticeable Features(Scars, Special Clothing, Jewelry, etc):
Personality:
Likes:
Dislikes:
Character Alignment(See D&D Alignment Chart):
Backstory:

(Other):
Special Moves(If Any):
Launch Techniques(If Any):
Quotes(Optional):
Relationships with other Characters(Optional):


As for the season stories/chapters, I will be judging them off of a 25 or 30 point scale.

Characterization: /5
Dialogue: /5
Plot/Pacing: /5
Grammar: /5
Battles(If Any): /5
Detail: /5

For humor/funny stories, I will be judging them off of a 20 point scale.

Humor: /5
Grammar: /5
Zaniness: /5
Overall Enjoyment: /5


I will only review beyblade stories, though, as I am not well versed in some other fandoms. Feel free to submit characters or chapters for review and some constructive criticism!
Review beyblade burst apocalypse
Imma have to be truthful... major improvement over the original, but still needs some work(Going off Chapter 1)

Characterization: 2/5(Needs more detail)
Dialogue: 2/5(Needs some work. It’s got some really confusing formatting at times, so def look out for that.)
Plot/Pacing: 3/5(Solid introduction, pacing is a bit off but could be far worse)
Grammar: 3.5/5(Not bad, could use a little work)
Battles: 1.5/5(Srry, but this category is really dragged down a lot by the lower amount of detail. In the future, I definitely recommend putting in as much detail as possible.)
Detail: 2/5(See above points)

Overall: 15/25. Needs work, but the potential is there. Keep up the good work and the story will improve!
(May. 26, 2021  9:15 PM)MasterofDerp Wrote: Imma have to be truthful... major improvement over the original, but still needs some work(Going off Chapter 1)

Characterization: 2/5(Needs more detail)
Dialogue: 2/5(Needs some work. It’s got some really confusing formatting at times, so def look out for that.)
Plot/Pacing: 3/5(Solid introduction, pacing is a bit off but could be far worse)
Grammar: 3.5/5(Not bad, could use a little work)
Battles: 1.5/5(Srry, but this category is really dragged down a lot by the lower amount of detail. In the future, I definitely recommend putting in as much detail as possible.)
Detail: 2/5(See above points)

Overall: 15/25. Needs work, but the potential is there. Keep up the good work and the story will improve!
More towards later chapters the story it gets better.
(May. 26, 2021  11:20 PM)DeltaZakuro Wrote:

Review is out of 25 points:

Unfortunately, I will have to deduct one point off of the character due to the fact they are biologically related to a canon, even though it is central to your Fanfiction(-1). I was going to deduct a point for the dual spin bey, but the bey’s attack typing saved it from that. Maybe a bit more on the likes and dislikes bits, along with a bit more personality(-3). Your fanfic is pretty good and explains a lot of the stuff, so the limited backstory info is cancelled out, meaning no deducted point. I think the appearance needs a bit more info overall as well(-1).

Final Score: 20/25.
Overall: 80%
Definitely a good start for the oc, and I can’t wait to see them in action more!
Name: Shou Ryugasaki

Also Known As:  Red Devil
                                New Kid
                                The Vermillion Dragon
                                Fiend Blader


Hair Color:   Red 

Eye:  Orange

Gender:  Male

Birthday:  June 5th

Age:  12

Occupation:  Middle School Student
                         Blader

Beyblade:  Devil Sychreides Razor Heat (???? System/ Left-Spin Attack Beyblade)
               


Appearance:  Shou is a tall boy with a light skin complexion, orange eyes, and spiky red hair. His attire consists of a bright red jacket with a hoodie, a black T-Shirt with an emblem of a red dragon, red pants, black sneakers, and a black collar. When he resonates with his Bey, his teeth turn sharp and his pupils become slit-like a dragon's.

Personality:  As the story begins, Shou starts off as an anti-social teen who has anger and trust issues who tend to snap at others. This is due to his history where he had friends who betrayed him and self-isolation. But as the story progresses, he grows into a calm and patient individual though he's still short-tempered at times. He also lets his rage out when he battles other bladers, letting his rage be converted into his Bey's power. And sometimes in battle, he becomes a ruthless and wild individual doing reckless moves when he is angry at his opponents. Despite this, Shou can be strategic when he is calm as he fights a strong opponent.



Special Moves:  Venom Dragon Smash
                               Venom Dragon Barrage
                               Venom Dragon Impact


Relationships:  
Valt Aoi -  Valt Aoi was the one who inspired Shou to become a blader, leading him to show great respect for the Legend. Matter of fact, Valt is the first friend Sho ever had in a while and the first person he trusts.

Lui Shirasagijo - It is arguable that Shou and Lui are very similar especially with their Left-Spin Beys. Though Lui first mocked Shou in their first encounter, he later accepts him as a potential rival.

Free De La Hoya -  Free is another blader Shou respects and another individual besides Valt who keeps a close eye on him, ensuring that he doesn't go the wrong path. Also, though Free is on good terms with Shou, he is suspicious of his bey, Sychreides.

Shu Kurenai - When Shu is introduced to Shou, he saw right away that latter's Bey was putting stress on him. But when Shu tries to confront  Shou regarding the issue, the red-haired Blader avoids any conversation about it.


Sychreides - Although Sychreides is Shou's partner, he is a bad influence on the latter. For example, Sychreides would tempt Shou to use his anger as power, destroy all other beys, and traumatize his opponents. Things that contradict Valt's teachings of Beyblade causing Sho to be in conflict about whose teachings he should follow.


(Unfortunately, I don't have a fanfic for this character but soon I will. The bio may also come.)
(May. 26, 2021  11:49 PM)Dark red Wrote: Name: Sho Ryugasaki

Also Known As:  Red Devil
                                New Kid
                                The Vermillion Dragon
                                Fiend Blader


Hair Color:   Red and Black

Eye:  Orange

Gender:  Male

Birthday:  June 5th

Age:  12

Occupation:  Middle School Student
                         Blader

Beyblade:  Devil Sychreides Razor Heat (???? System/ Left-Spin Attack Beyblade) (Changes Mode: Barrage Mode/Smash Mode)
               


Appearance:  Sho is a tall boy with a light skin complexion, orange eyes, and spiky red hair with a brush of black in the middle. His attire consists of a bright red jacket with a hoodie, a black T-Shirt with an emblem of a red dragon, red pants, black sneakers, and a black collar. When he resonates with his Bey, his teeth turn sharp and his pupils become slit like a dragon's.

Personality:  As the story begins, Sho starts off as an anti-social teen who has anger and trust issues who tend to snap at others. This is due to his history where he had friends who betrayed him and self-isolation. But as the story progresses, he grows into a calm and patient individual though he may still be short-tempered. He also lets his rage out when he battles other bladers, letting his rage be converted into his Bey's power. And sometimes in battle, he becomes a ruthless and wild individual doing reckless moves when he is angry at his opponents. Despite this, Sho can be strategic when he is calm as he fights a strong opponent.



Special Moves:  Venom Dragon Smash
                               Venom Dragon Barrage
                               Venom Dragon Impact


Relationships:  
Valt Aoi -  Valt Aoi was the one who inspired Sho to become a blader, leading him to show great respect for the Legend. Matter of fact, Valt is the first friend Sho ever had in a while and the first person he trusts.

Lui Shirasagijo - It is arguable that Sho and Lui are very similar especially with their Left-Spin Beys. Though Lui first mocked Sho in their first encounter, he later accepts him as a potential rival.

Free De La Hoya -  Free is another blader Sho respects and another individual besides Valt who keeps a close eye on him, ensuring that he doesn't go the wrong path. Also, though Free is on good terms with Sho, he is suspicious of his bey, Sychreides.

Shu Kurenai - When Shu is introduced to Sho, he saw right away that latter's Bey was putting stress on him. But when Shu tries to confront  Sho regarding the issue, the red-haired Blader avoids any conversation about it.


Sychreides - Although Sychreides is Sho's partner, he is a bad influence on the latter. For example, Sychreides would encourage Sho to use his anger as power, destroy all other beys, and traumatize his opponents. Things that contradict Valt's teachings of Beyblade causing Sho to be in conflict about whose teachings he should follow.


(Unfortunately, I don't have a fanfic for this character but soon I will. The bio may also come.)
(Out of 25)

Aight, I will have to say a few things about the OC. First off, the teeth sharpening makes no sense at all and the bey’s mode change is unexplained(-2). The Sychreides bey is sorta lore breaking in terms of avatar. The avatar is a reflection of the blader’s personality and mental state(-2). Tbh, he sorta seems like his personality clashes with Valt’s ideals overall. I personally think that it would be super interesting to have the protagonist’s viewpoint be extremely skewed, and they only enjoy winning instead of having fun while blading. I’ll have to unfortunately deduct a ton of points regarding this instance(-5). Appearance minus the teeth thing is fine, and the special moves are fine. This is also more of a nit pick, but the red and black color scheme sorta makes him seem a bit overly edgy. I’d say maybe throw in some purple or orange(Clothing) in there to liven him up. I won’t deduct points for that, though.

Overall: 16/25
Final Result: 64%
The biggest issue I have with the character is his overall motivations and some clashes with his personality and beliefs. You’re on the right track, but in my opinion that aspect is something that needs a definite fix up.
(May. 27, 2021  1:45 AM)MasterofDerp Wrote:
(May. 26, 2021  11:49 PM)Dark red Wrote: Name: Sho Ryugasaki

Also Known As:  Red Devil
                                New Kid
                                The Vermillion Dragon
                                Fiend Blader


Hair Color:   Red and Black

Eye:  Orange

Gender:  Male

Birthday:  June 5th

Age:  12

Occupation:  Middle School Student
                         Blader

Beyblade:  Devil Sychreides Razor Heat (???? System/ Left-Spin Attack Beyblade) (Changes Mode: Barrage Mode/Smash Mode)
               


Appearance:  Sho is a tall boy with a light skin complexion, orange eyes, and spiky red hair with a brush of black in the middle. His attire consists of a bright red jacket with a hoodie, a black T-Shirt with an emblem of a red dragon, red pants, black sneakers, and a black collar. When he resonates with his Bey, his teeth turn sharp and his pupils become slit like a dragon's.

Personality:  As the story begins, Sho starts off as an anti-social teen who has anger and trust issues who tend to snap at others. This is due to his history where he had friends who betrayed him and self-isolation. But as the story progresses, he grows into a calm and patient individual though he may still be short-tempered. He also lets his rage out when he battles other bladers, letting his rage be converted into his Bey's power. And sometimes in battle, he becomes a ruthless and wild individual doing reckless moves when he is angry at his opponents. Despite this, Sho can be strategic when he is calm as he fights a strong opponent.



Special Moves:  Venom Dragon Smash
                               Venom Dragon Barrage
                               Venom Dragon Impact


Relationships:  
Valt Aoi -  Valt Aoi was the one who inspired Sho to become a blader, leading him to show great respect for the Legend. Matter of fact, Valt is the first friend Sho ever had in a while and the first person he trusts.

Lui Shirasagijo - It is arguable that Sho and Lui are very similar especially with their Left-Spin Beys. Though Lui first mocked Sho in their first encounter, he later accepts him as a potential rival.

Free De La Hoya -  Free is another blader Sho respects and another individual besides Valt who keeps a close eye on him, ensuring that he doesn't go the wrong path. Also, though Free is on good terms with Sho, he is suspicious of his bey, Sychreides.

Shu Kurenai - When Shu is introduced to Sho, he saw right away that latter's Bey was putting stress on him. But when Shu tries to confront  Sho regarding the issue, the red-haired Blader avoids any conversation about it.


Sychreides - Although Sychreides is Sho's partner, he is a bad influence on the latter. For example, Sychreides would encourage Sho to use his anger as power, destroy all other beys, and traumatize his opponents. Things that contradict Valt's teachings of Beyblade causing Sho to be in conflict about whose teachings he should follow.


(Unfortunately, I don't have a fanfic for this character but soon I will. The bio may also come.)
(Out of 25)

Aight, I will have to say a few things about the OC. First off, the teeth sharpening makes no sense at all and the bey’s mode change is unexplained(-2). The Sychreides bey is sorta lore breaking in terms of avatar. The avatar is a reflection of the blader’s personality and mental state(-2). Tbh, he sorta seems like his personality clashes with Valt’s ideals overall. I personally think that it would be super interesting to have the protagonist’s viewpoint be extremely skewed, and they only enjoy winning instead of having fun while blading. I’ll have to unfortunately deduct a ton of points regarding this instance(-5). Appearance minus the teeth thing is fine, and the special moves are fine. This is also more of a nit pick, but the red and black color scheme sorta makes him seem a bit overly edgy. I’d say maybe throw in some purple or orange(Clothing) in there to liven him up. I won’t deduct points for that, though.

Overall: 16/25
Final Result: 64%
The biggest issue I have with the character is his overall motivations and some clashes with his personality and beliefs. You’re on the right track, but in my opinion that aspect is something that needs a definite fix up.

Thanks for your opinion, it really gave me some tips. Btw the teeth sharpening aspect is from his Bey, Sychreides, which is a bad influence on Shou. Also, Valt is the one who brought him out of his shell, making Shou respect him. I will add some changes to the profile to see what's next.

(General Info)
Character Name: Mashu Hai
Character Alias/Nicknames: "The Shooting Star Mashu Hai" "The Magic Killer"
Character Age: 13
Bey(s)(Specify Evolutions, Systems, Types, and Rotations): Fragment Akhlut(GT System, Right spin, Balance type w/ mode change, first evolution) Voyager Akhlut(Sukerking System, RIght spin, Balance bey w/mode change, current bey, second evolution)

(Descriptions):
Physical Appearance: Just above average height Mashu has tan-ish skin, his right eye is amber/gold colored while his left is blue, he wears regular blue jeans and a tank to, the tank top is black in color, with his bey holder and launcher holder on his belt, on his left arm he has an arm sleeve up to just above his elbow, the arm sleeve is dark blue in color.
Noticeable Features(Scars, Special Clothing, Jewelry, etc): He has a special armband that says "Magic killer" on it.
Personality: Very quiet and conserved but takes Beyblade very seriously, he only talks to people he finds "worthy" and often will only say few words to people who talk to him
Likes: Beyblade, wilderness, food.
Dislikes loud people, overly happy people, cocky people, bad chefs, cats, and fish.
Character Alignment(See D&D Alignment Chart): Lawful Good
Backstory: Mashu grew up idolizing shu, free and Aiger, when he first got his bey he would train for hours with his brother Kashto(profile coming soon) when he finally got on the level to blade with stronger blades he realized what he wanted most... to be The best Blader he could be.. he set out on a multiple month journey crafting a bey with data from the best bladers beys to create the ultimate bey without straying too far from the original Akhlut

Beyblade info:

Mode change: The driver has a mode change gimmick and so does the forged disk, the forged disk come in two parts, the core with the prongs and the weight ring, you can line up the weight ring with the pockets on the core to create a six "bladed" disk or align the weight ring between the pockets to create a 12 "bladed " weight disk. when the 12 bladed weight disk is used it's a stamina/defense mode, the 6 bladed disks can work as an attack disk depending on the driver mode, the driver has 3 parts, a core, the driver weight, and the bottom piece. the bottom piece is an oval shape with 2 significant side pieces and a sharp tip in the middle of the two side pieces, the bottom piece is hollow so that the core and weight can fit in and click together, the weight has either 3 or 6 blades depending on how the weight is move.. the weight has a moving part that allows for 3 or 6 blades, 6 blades is for stamina mode and 3 is for attack/defense. the weight sits in between the core and bottom piece core. the weight is metal btw. the core has two metal pieces on the side of a circular tube that click into the bottom piece, the metal disks can be aligned with the two pieces on the bottom piece for stamina mode or can be aligned away from them for attack mode and they can be pushed into the core by aligning the on the area that sticks out on the bey for defense mode.

Layer description: the layer has 6 blades on it with metal inside the lower portion of the Blades for weight, in between these blades are rubber absorbers that can be pushed out in stamina mode/defense mode

(Other):
Special Moves(If Any): Voyage Clash(attack) akhlut can only use this move in attack mode but when he uses it, the Beyblade will circle around the arena at high speeds crashing back down into its opponent, shooting star slam(attack) when in attack mode Akhlut will go from one side of the stadium to the other riding up the wall and crashing back down on its opponent, spin shock(stamina) the Beyblade takes the middle of the stadium when in stamina mode and spins in the middle with great stability not leaning at all with any attacks, World of spin(defense/stamina)Akhlut spins in the middle of the stadium using weight distribution so when it's hit is leans back and hammers them back with the rubber absorbers
Quotes(Optional): "its called arson you should try it" "let's shoot this star" "take a voyage and get some brain cells" "ANYTHING BUT CATS, NOOOOOO"
Relationships with other Characters(Optional):
Free - Possibly his greatest rival, free and Mashu has a grudge, every time they battle it's a draw, ever since watching Fafnir battle it's been a dream of both akhlut and Mashu to beat free... but they have never been successful

Shu - the first Beyblade he ever saw was shu's spriggan and ever since he always wanted to be like shu... or as close to shu as he could get, no matter what he does shu just regards him as a fan and pushes him aside

Aiger - they both view themselves as the better one going back and forth for hours arguing who better before finally battling and never a decisive winner of the feud.. back and forth it goes aiger wins, Mashu wins, aiger wins, Mashu wins... on and on and on
(May. 27, 2021  6:08 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote: (General Info)
Character Name: Mashu Hai
Character Alias/Nicknames: "The Shooting Star Mashu Hai" "The Magic Killer"
Character Age: 13
Bey(s)(Specify Evolutions, Systems, Types, and Rotations): Fragment Akhlut(GT System, Right spin, Balance type w/ mode change, first evolution) Voyager Akhlut(Sukerking System, RIght spin, Balance bey w/mode change, current bey, second evolution)

(Descriptions):
Physical Appearance:  Just above average height Mashu has tan-ish skin, his right eye is amber/gold colored while his left is blue, he wears regular blue jeans and a tank to, the tank top is black in color, with his bey holder and launcher holder on his belt, on his left arm he has an arm sleeve up to just above his elbow, the arm sleeve is dark blue in color.  
Noticeable Features(Scars, Special Clothing, Jewelry, etc): He has a special armband that says "Magic killer" on it.
Personality:  Very quiet and conserved but takes Beyblade very seriously, he only talks to people he finds "worthy" and often will only say few words to people who talk to him
Likes: Beyblade, wilderness, food.
Dislikes loud people, overly happy people, cocky people, bad chefs, cats, and fish.
Character Alignment(See D&D Alignment Chart): Lawful Good
Backstory: Mashu grew up idolizing shu, free and Aiger, when he first got his bey he would train for hours with his brother Kashto(profile coming soon) when he finally got on the level to blade with stronger blades he realized what he wanted most... to be The best Blader he could be.. he set out on a multiple month journey crafting a bey with data from the best bladers beys to create the ultimate bey without straying too far from the original Akhlut

Beyblade info:

Mode change: The driver has a mode change gimmick and so does the forged disk, the forged disk come in two parts, the core with the prongs and the weight ring, you can line up the weight ring with the pockets on the core to create a six "bladed"  disk or align the weight ring between the pockets to create a 12 "bladed " weight disk. when the 12 bladed weight disk is used it's a stamina/defense mode, the 6 bladed disks can work as an attack disk depending on the driver mode, the driver has 3 parts, a core, the driver weight, and the bottom piece. the bottom piece is an oval shape with 2 significant side pieces and a sharp tip in the middle of the two side pieces, the bottom piece is hollow so that the core and weight can fit in and click together, the weight has either 3 or 6 blades depending on how the weight is move.. the weight has a moving part that allows for 3 or 6 blades, 6 blades is for stamina mode and 3 is for attack/defense. the weight sits in between the core and bottom piece core. the weight is metal btw. the core has two metal pieces on the side of a circular tube that click into the bottom piece, the metal disks can be aligned with the two pieces on the bottom piece for stamina mode or can be aligned away from them for attack mode and they can be pushed into the core by aligning the on the area that sticks out on the bey for defense mode.

Layer description: the layer has 6 blades on it with metal inside the lower portion of the Blades for weight, in between these blades are rubber absorbers that can be pushed out in stamina mode/defense mode

(Other):
Special Moves(If Any): Voyage Clash(attack) akhlut can only use this move in attack mode but when he uses it, the Beyblade will circle around the arena at high speeds crashing back down into its opponent, shooting star slam(attack) when in attack mode Akhlut will go from one side of the stadium to the other riding up the wall  and crashing back down on its opponent, spin  shock(stamina) the Beyblade takes the middle of the stadium when in stamina mode and spins in the middle with great stability not leaning at all with any attacks, World of spin(defense/stamina)Akhlut spins in the middle of the stadium using weight distribution so when it's hit is leans back and hammers them back with the rubber absorbers
Quotes(Optional): "its called arson you should try it" "let's shoot this star" "take a voyage and get some brain cells" "ANYTHING BUT CATS, NOOOOOO"
Relationships with other Characters(Optional):
Free - Possibly his greatest rival, free and Mashu has a grudge, every time they battle it's a draw, ever since watching Fafnir battle it's been a dream of both akhlut and Mashu to beat free... but they have never been successful  

Shu - the first Beyblade he ever saw was shu's spriggan and ever since he always wanted to be like shu... or as close to shu as he could get, no matter what he does shu just regards him as a fan and pushes him aside

Aiger - they both view themselves as the better one going back and forth for hours arguing who better before finally battling and never a decisive winner of the feud.. back and forth it goes aiger wins, Mashu wins, aiger wins, Mashu wins... on and on and on

Aight. There are some things that drag down the character a bit.

His personality severely clashes with his character alignment. He seems more like lawful neutral compared to lawful good. It also needs more detail overall.(-2). The bey name is also a problem, especially since its burst(Had it been MFB I would have ignored this). Unless he’s using a generic combo(Like Judgement Joker Blitz Volcanic Zan or even First Uranus Mobius 2D), the character’s bey’s name needs to match with the character themselves(-2). I’m not going to deduct you points from this, but the format in the submission is extremely screwed up and some parts are hard to read(Def need to work on that). Also, Shu is extremely out of character from what I can infer in the short relationships portion, and tbh the power scaling is VERY messed up. If he’s able to beat Aiga, there’s no way he shouldn’t be able to beat Free(Not to mention having him be able to contend with bladers like this at such an early level is sorta leaning into Gary-Stu territory)(-4). 

Final Score: 17/25
Overall: 68%.

You’re on the right track, but there are a few noticeable problems that need to be fixed. The potential is definitely there, though. Sorry if I’m being too harsh.
(May. 27, 2021  6:40 PM)MasterofDerp Wrote:
(May. 27, 2021  6:08 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote: (General Info)
Character Name: Mashu Hai
Character Alias/Nicknames: "The Shooting Star Mashu Hai" "The Magic Killer"
Character Age: 13
Bey(s)(Specify Evolutions, Systems, Types, and Rotations): Fragment Akhlut(GT System, Right spin, Balance type w/ mode change, first evolution) Voyager Akhlut(Sukerking System, RIght spin, Balance bey w/mode change, current bey, second evolution)

(Descriptions):
Physical Appearance:  Just above average height Mashu has tan-ish skin, his right eye is amber/gold colored while his left is blue, he wears regular blue jeans and a tank to, the tank top is black in color, with his bey holder and launcher holder on his belt, on his left arm he has an arm sleeve up to just above his elbow, the arm sleeve is dark blue in color.  
Noticeable Features(Scars, Special Clothing, Jewelry, etc): He has a special armband that says "Magic killer" on it.
Personality:  Very quiet and conserved but takes Beyblade very seriously, he only talks to people he finds "worthy" and often will only say few words to people who talk to him
Likes: Beyblade, wilderness, food.
Dislikes loud people, overly happy people, cocky people, bad chefs, cats, and fish.
Character Alignment(See D&D Alignment Chart): Lawful Good
Backstory: Mashu grew up idolizing shu, free and Aiger, when he first got his bey he would train for hours with his brother Kashto(profile coming soon) when he finally got on the level to blade with stronger blades he realized what he wanted most... to be The best Blader he could be.. he set out on a multiple month journey crafting a bey with data from the best bladers beys to create the ultimate bey without straying too far from the original Akhlut

Beyblade info:

Mode change: The driver has a mode change gimmick and so does the forged disk, the forged disk come in two parts, the core with the prongs and the weight ring, you can line up the weight ring with the pockets on the core to create a six "bladed"  disk or align the weight ring between the pockets to create a 12 "bladed " weight disk. when the 12 bladed weight disk is used it's a stamina/defense mode, the 6 bladed disks can work as an attack disk depending on the driver mode, the driver has 3 parts, a core, the driver weight, and the bottom piece. the bottom piece is an oval shape with 2 significant side pieces and a sharp tip in the middle of the two side pieces, the bottom piece is hollow so that the core and weight can fit in and click together, the weight has either 3 or 6 blades depending on how the weight is move.. the weight has a moving part that allows for 3 or 6 blades, 6 blades is for stamina mode and 3 is for attack/defense. the weight sits in between the core and bottom piece core. the weight is metal btw. the core has two metal pieces on the side of a circular tube that click into the bottom piece, the metal disks can be aligned with the two pieces on the bottom piece for stamina mode or can be aligned away from them for attack mode and they can be pushed into the core by aligning the on the area that sticks out on the bey for defense mode.

Layer description: the layer has 6 blades on it with metal inside the lower portion of the Blades for weight, in between these blades are rubber absorbers that can be pushed out in stamina mode/defense mode

(Other):
Special Moves(If Any): Voyage Clash(attack) akhlut can only use this move in attack mode but when he uses it, the Beyblade will circle around the arena at high speeds crashing back down into its opponent, shooting star slam(attack) when in attack mode Akhlut will go from one side of the stadium to the other riding up the wall  and crashing back down on its opponent, spin  shock(stamina) the Beyblade takes the middle of the stadium when in stamina mode and spins in the middle with great stability not leaning at all with any attacks, World of spin(defense/stamina)Akhlut spins in the middle of the stadium using weight distribution so when it's hit is leans back and hammers them back with the rubber absorbers
Quotes(Optional): "its called arson you should try it" "let's shoot this star" "take a voyage and get some brain cells" "ANYTHING BUT CATS, NOOOOOO"
Relationships with other Characters(Optional):
Free - Possibly his greatest rival, free and Mashu has a grudge, every time they battle it's a draw, ever since watching Fafnir battle it's been a dream of both akhlut and Mashu to beat free... but they have never been successful  

Shu - the first Beyblade he ever saw was shu's spriggan and ever since he always wanted to be like shu... or as close to shu as he could get, no matter what he does shu just regards him as a fan and pushes him aside

Aiger - they both view themselves as the better one going back and forth for hours arguing who better before finally battling and never a decisive winner of the feud.. back and forth it goes aiger wins, Mashu wins, aiger wins, Mashu wins... on and on and on

Aight. There are some things that drag down the character a bit.

His personality severely clashes with his character alignment. He seems more like lawful neutral compared to lawful good. It also needs more detail overall.(-2). The bey name is also a problem, especially since its burst(Had it been MFB I would have ignored this). Unless he’s using a generic combo(Like Judgement Joker Blitz Volcanic Zan or even First Uranus Mobius 2D), the character’s bey’s name needs to match with the character themselves(-2). I’m not going to deduct you points from this, but the format in the submission is extremely screwed up and some parts are hard to read(Def need to work on that). Also, Shu is extremely out of character from what I can infer in the short relationships portion, and tbh the power scaling is VERY messed up. If he’s able to beat Aiga, there’s no way he shouldn’t be able to beat Free(Not to mention having him be able to contend with bladers like this at such an early level is sorta leaning into Gary-Stu territory)(-4). 

Final Score: 17/25
Overall: 68%.

You’re on the right track, but there are a few noticeable problems that need to be fixed. The potential is definitely there, though. Sorry if I’m being too harsh.

alright, I'll try to iron out the problems, this is a new character I'm working on so I expected this to happen
Heyo, MasterOfDerp!


I was just wondering, will you rate one-shots?
(May. 28, 2021  7:07 AM)tenma Wrote: Heyo, MasterOfDerp!


I was just wondering, will you rate one-shots?

Yes, if they are beyblade
Weeeell, I've been working on this one for some time, so here goes:


Character Name: Juudai Akemi
Character Alias/Nicknames: None
Character Age: 14
Beys: Alter Chronos 5Cross Unite (Right-Spin, God Layer System, Balance type, Formerly)
Judgement Joker 0Glaive Unite' Retsu (Right-Spin, GT Layer System, Balance type, Formerly)
Amazement Joker Operate 2B (Right-Spin, Sparking Layer System, Balance type, Currently)
Attracto Joker Juggle Operate'-2 (Right-Spin, Dynamite Layer System, Balance type, 8 months after the Blader Brawl)

Physical Appearance: Juudai is an androgynous teen girl of average height, with a fair complexion, neck-length brown hair streaked with magenta, and pinkish purple eyes. She wears a typical performer's attire, which consists of a navy blue tailcoat with white, red and pink linings and six golden buttons, a pair of matching pants, brown knee-length boots with a golden pin on the side of each, and a purple tophat with four feathers of the same colors as the coat placed on its side.
Noticeable Features: None.

Personality: Juudai is a flashy and charismatic individual who always likes to put on a show. She is fairly outgoing and positive, which makes her easy to get along with. She also likes to surprise people whenever the chance presents itself, and tends to tease her friends a lot too. However, she can be serious when the situation calls for it, knowing that smiles won't solve all sorts of problems, but she generally prefers to deal with things in a more chill way.
Likes: Surprises, dramatic flair, confetti chocolate, risks, funky people, and the spotlight (I mean, all performers like this one).
Dislikes: Killjoys, slow procedures, and overly defensive Beyblade combos because they 'make no action at all'.
Character Alignment: Chaotic Good, probably.
Backstory: None, cuz I can't for the life of me write a competent backstory for any character I make. But you should know that she's #19 in the A-Rank, making her #34 globally by the end of Sparking.

Special Moves (Amazement Joker):
(Note: The Operate Driver is almost always in Attack Mode due to Juudai's aforementioned bias against defensive comboes)
1- Dash Shoot: Joker uses the erratic movement of the Operate Driver to deliver fast attacks from all directions in an unpredictable pattern, leaving the opponent with almost no time to react.
2- Amaze Shocker: Joker clashes with the opponent head-on, using the rubber on its Ring for an explosive Burst Attack with great impact.

Launch Technique: Juudai throws her Bey and launcher in the air so they drop in her hat, then she gives the hat a shake and throws them out, and finally catches the launcher (with the Bey now clipped onto it) before pulling on its string at the call of "GO...Shoot!"

Relationships with other Characters:
1- Akiharu "Aki" Fujiwara: Juudai first encountered Aki during one of her performances in Sapporo, where the latter volunteered to help her out in one of her tricks. She met her again in a District tournament's semifinals -where the smaller girl barely managed to snatch the win- and they instantly hit it off from there, soon becoming best friends.
2- Athena Valhalla: Juudai was introduced to Athena and her brother by her social butterfly of a friend AKA Aki, and they ended up befriending each other as a result.

Quotes:
1- "Akemi Juudai. Expert amateur with a three-to-zero winstreak, ready to take on the world with dumb jokes, circus tricks, and my good ol' partner Joker. Pleasure to meet you." -Introducing herself to Aki in the District tournament.
2- "Hot damn, this kid is good! How does he even do so many flips in three seconds?" -To Aki while watching Aiga's match with Amane at the Battle Island.
3- "Calm down, okay? You still have two rounds to go, which means you have a chance to turn things around. Just have fun, trust in Adeona, and you'll be fine." -To Athena after her and Aki's loss in Blader Brawl.
(May. 28, 2021  6:16 PM)PinkRose Wrote: Weeeell, I've been working on this one for some time, so here goes:


Character Name: Juudai Akemi
Character Alias/Nicknames: None
Character Age: 14
Beys: Alter Chronos 5Cross Unite (Right-Spin, God Layer System, Balance type, Formerly)
Judgement Joker 0Glaive Unite' Retsu (Right-Spin, GT Layer System, Balance type, Formerly)
Amazement Joker Operate 2B (Right-Spin, Sparking Layer System, Balance type, Currently)
Attracto Joker Juggle Operate'-2 (Right-Spin, Dynamite Layer System, Balance type, 8 months after the Blader Brawl)

Physical Appearance: Juudai is an androgynous teen girl of average height, with a fair complexion, neck-length brown hair streaked with magenta, and pinkish purple eyes. She wears a typical performer's attire, which consists of a navy blue tailcoat with white, red and pink linings and six golden buttons, a pair of matching pants, brown knee-length boots with a golden pin on the side of each, and a purple tophat with four feathers of the same colors as the coat placed on its side.
Noticeable Features: None.

Personality: Juudai is a flashy and charismatic individual who always likes to put on a show. She is fairly outgoing and positive, which makes her easy to get along with. She also likes to surprise people whenever the chance presents itself, and tends to tease her friends a lot too. However, she can be serious when the situation calls for it, knowing that smiles won't solve all sorts of problems, but she generally prefers to deal with things in a more chill way.
Likes: Surprises, dramatic flair, confetti chocolate, risks, funky people, and the spotlight (I mean, all performers like this one).
Dislikes: Killjoys, slow procedures, and overly defensive Beyblade combos because they 'make no action at all'.
Character Alignment: Chaotic Good, probably.
Backstory: None, cuz I can't for the life of me write a competent backstory for any character I make. But you should know that she's #19 in the A-Rank, making her #34 globally by the end of Sparking.

Special Moves (Amazement Joker):
(Note: The Operate Driver is almost always in Attack Mode due to Juudai's aforementioned bias against defensive comboes)
1- Dash Shoot: Joker uses the erratic movement of the Operate Driver to deliver fast attacks from all directions in an unpredictable pattern, leaving the opponent with almost no time to react.
2- Amaze Shocker: Joker clashes with the opponent head-on, using the rubber on its Ring for an explosive Burst Attack with great impact.

Launch Technique: Juudai throws her Bey and launcher in the air so they drop in her hat, then she gives the hat a shake and throws them out, and finally catches the launcher (with the Bey now clipped onto it) before pulling on its string at the call of "GO...Shoot!"

Relationships with other Characters:
1- Akiharu "Aki" Fujiwara: Juudai first encountered Aki during one of her performances in Sapporo, where the latter volunteered to help her out in one of her tricks. She met her again in a District tournament's semifinals -where the smaller girl barely managed to snatch the win- and they instantly hit it off from there, soon becoming best friends.
2- Athena Valhalla: Juudai was introduced to Athena and her brother by her social butterfly of a friend AKA Aki, and they ended up befriending each other as a result.

Quotes:
1- "Akemi Juudai. Expert amateur with a three-to-zero winstreak, ready to take on the world with dumb jokes, circus tricks, and my good ol' partner Joker. Pleasure to meet you." -Introducing herself to Aki in the District tournament.
2- "Hot damn, this kid is good! How does he even do so many flips in three seconds?" -To Aki while watching Aiga's match with Amane at the Battle Island.
3- "Calm down, okay? You still have two rounds to go, which means you have a chance to turn things around. Just have fun, trust in Adeona, and you'll be fine." -To Athena after her and Aki's loss in Blader Brawl.

I gotta say, I really like this OC. The detail is really good. Personality and alignment line up really well. I think there could be more overall detail with the bey’s parts(-1). I was also going to ding you on inserting them back in previous seasons, but I’ve done it before, and deducting a point would make me a complete hypocrite. I was also going to deduct a point for using a canon motif for an OC, but I have also done it(Two of my OCs use Kukulcan and Chaos respectively), so can’t deduct a point for that either. Overall, good job.

Final Score: 24/25
Overall: 96%
Honestly not much to say. This is a pretty good OC overall.
(Updated OC Profile)

Name: Shou Ryugasaki

Also Known As: Red Devil
New Kid
The Vermillion Dragon
Fiend Blader


Hair Color: Red

Eye: Orange

Gender: Male

Birthday: June 5th

Age: 12

Occupation: Middle School Student
Blader

Beyblade: Wrath Sychreides Razor Heat (???? System/ Left-Spin Attack Beyblade)



Appearance: Shou is a tall boy with a light skin complexion, orange eyes, and spiky red hair. His attire consists of a bright red jacket with a hoodie, an orange T-Shirt with a black emblem of a dragon, red pants, and black sneakers. When he resonates with his Bey, his pupils become slit-like a dragon.

Personality: As the story begins, Shou starts off as an anti-social teen who has anger and trust issues who tend to snap at others. This is due to his history where he had friends who betrayed him and self-isolation. Despite his unpleasant demeanor, Shou is actually a lonely and sad kid who wants to make friends but couldn't due to his fear of getting hurt again. But after Valt motivated him to be a Blader, he grows into a calm and sociable person who gained many friends from his Beyblade journey though he can be short-tempered at times. And sometimes in battle, he becomes a ruthless and wild individual, doing reckless moves and using his rage as power against his opponents when under Sychreides's influence. But despite this, Shou is a strategic blader who will find ways to defeat his opponents.


Special Moves: Venom Dragon Smash
Venom Dragon Barrage
Venom Dragon Impact


Relationships:
Valt Aoi - Valt Aoi was the one who inspired Shou to become a blader, leading him to show great respect for the Legend. Matter of fact, Valt is the first friend Sho ever had in a while and the first person he trusts.

Free De La Hoya - Free is another blader Shou respects and another individual besides Valt who keeps a close eye on him, ensuring that he doesn't go the wrong path. Also, though Free is on good terms with Shou, he is suspicious of his bey, Sychreides.

Lui Shirasagijo - It is arguable that Shou and Lui are very similar especially with their Left-Spin Beys. Though Lui first mocked Shou in their first encounter, he later accepts him as a potential rival.

Shu Kurenai - When Shu was first introduced to Shou, he immediately saw that latter's Bey was putting stress on him. But when Shu tries to confront Shou about this issue, the red-haired blader hesitantly avoids any attempted discussion about it.

Sychreides - Although Sychreides is Shou's partner, he is a bad influence on the latter. For example, Sychreides would tempt Shou to use his anger as power, destroy all other beys, and traumatize his opponents. These things that contradict Valt's teachings of Beyblade, causing Shou to be in conflict about whose teachings he should follow. Sychreides can also be devious by reminding Shou of his dark past, tricking him to use his rage as power during a battle.
Aaaah hey, hey! I just finished my one-shot and would really look forward to it being commented/critiqued :]

The one-shot can be found in the link below:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/31606613


Oh ya keep in mind that it contains no battle. It's pretty much a self-indulgent hurt/comfort burst fic for myself :]
I think I can try it, just for fun i guess:

Name: Callum ??? (Surnames are hard, but since few people knows, there's no prob)

Nickname: Cursed blader (he didn't give it to himself and he hates it)

Age: 14 (funfact, his birthday is on a ??/13/????)

Bey: Old: he didn't had a beyblade back then, he got one basically at the start of sparking.

Current: Swirl Caribdis Polish' Depth 1D (DS-hibrid balance type, right-spin, sparking system)(DS-hibrid = defense and stamina)

Physical Appearance: black (and a lil messy) hair, dark brown eyes, almost pale skin and a little bit skinny. He wears a black hoodie with a purple fire pin on it, on the middle of the hoodie there's "not my problem", black pants, non-matching socks and grey boots-like sneakers.

Noticeable feature: His face is blocked by a mask resembling the shy guy mask, but without the mouth hole, not painted and with a crack from left eye all the way down.

Personality traits: Callum is shy and don't talk with anyone else than family and close friends (he "talks" with close friends), plus he has some anxiety, but that doesn't stop him. He has a really good memory and uses that as an advantage. When near people, he tries to ignore them as much as he can. He also has sleep problems.
Likes: Being alone, playing with his sister, planning ahead and play safe, also I can include onions, he can eat one like a apple (not like he does that normally, but he can and isn't bothered by the onion part, it's a ability)
Dislikes: crowded places, losing, unexpected things, people over-excited that always wants to battle and, of course, cheaters.

Character alignment: True neutral, almost sure.

Backstory: so lets see... he and his sister went to their grandmother house because their parents are always travelling for work and etc. He suffers from social negligence from everybody, the mask works as a emotional stabilizer (like a social support puppy), one time someone made fun of his sister and he almost destroyed the opponent bey (he didn't meant to but at the same time he meant(plus the opponent and the "someone" are the same person)), everyone got scared of him and started calling him the cursed blader.
(I may not tell more because (maybe) I'll write it and post somewhere so that's what i got for now, not gonna spoil that much)

Special moves: he has one for each mode
1° special move- ocean guarding: pure defense mode, just like any def. Move, blocks attacks, but deals increased knockback.

2° special move- swirling dash: driver is in stamina and layer in defense, it stays on the free-spinning plate and move like a cone (since is only the plate making contact) and deals increased dmg.

3° special move- wave resistance: pure stamina mode, inclines and let the enemy bey hit the forge disk instead of the layer, if it touches the floor, it just dash through the arena like crazy almost doing dread vertical until it gets up, hard to do it tho.

4° special move- tide breaker: layer is in stamina and driver in defense, because of its circular shape on stamina mode, it blocks all the attacks on the layer and only layer.

5° special move- direction change (it's a "defect", wasn't supposed to happen): change layer and driver modes randomly depending of the circumstances.

Launching technic: nothing really crazy,he just swings his arm back and forth, do a launch flip, get in position on last sec and tada

Launcher: it's worth mentioning that his launcher has a gear system that makes his bey go faster when he launches with left hand, his left arm is (canonically) weak so this balances it out and launch with the same power (doesn't change spin direction).

Relations: obviously his twin-sister, Sarah: they both like and help each other, she is his polar opposite socially. Also she made him get into beyblade after showing him her own bey.(easy to guess the name)

Kiaru Yofutoremi: One of his only friends, Kiaru follows Callum since he saw what happened on the "cursed blader" thing, they both walk together and train together, it's a wierd realtionship, since both don't talk that much.
(Note: this is about the present time, im planning on add one more person here)

Quotes: . . . . . he got some:

"Never do that again..." When he almost broke a bey.

"Awesome, hope your ready for mine..." When his sister shown her bey

"We got this..." To Kiaru while waiting for their tag battle. (Prob written on WBO Blader brawl)
(Those are the most important ones)

(He's still in development and I'll maybe write about "his story" in general, also it's my first character (written and public shown)(note: english isn't my native language, expect some misunderstanding)(🎵 2: he's not evil))
Could you review my fanfic? IK I haven't been writing much but when I do post it will be BIG!
But anyway... ya
(May. 30, 2021  4:04 PM)Hollowmind8 Wrote: I think I can try it, just for fun i guess:

Name: Callum ??? (Surnames are hard, but since few people knows, there's no prob)

Nickname: Cursed blader (he didn't give it to himself and he hates it)

Age: 14 (funfact, his birthday is on a ??/13/????)

Bey: Old: he didn't had a beyblade then.

Current: Swirl Caribdis Polish' Depth 1D (DS-hibrid balance type, right-spin, sparking system)(DS-hibrid = defense and stamina) (edited: flow exists)

Physical Appearance: black (and a lil messy) hair, dark brown eyes. He wears a black hoodie with a purple fire pin on it (thats the name?),on the middle of the hoodie there's "not my problem", black pants, non-matching socks and grey boots-like sneakers.

Noticeable feature: His face is blocked by a mask resembling the shy guy mask, but without the mouth, not painted and with a crack from left eye all the way down.

Personality traits: Callum is shy and don't talk with anyone else than family and close friends (he "talks" with close friends), plus he has some anxiety, but that doesn't stop him. He has a really good memory and uses that as an advantage. When near people, he tries to ignore them as much as he can. He also has sleep problems.
Likes: Being alone, playing with his sister, planning ahead and play safe, also I can include onions, he can eat one like a apple (not like he does that normally, but he can and isn't bothered by the onion part, it's a ability)
Dislikes: crowded places, losing, unexpected things, people over-excited that always wants to battle and, of course, cheaters.

Character alignment: True neutral, almost sure.

Backstory: so lets see... he and his sister went to their grandmother house because their parents are always travelling for work and etc. He suffers from social negligence from everybody, the mask works as a emotional stabilizer (like a social support puppy), one time someone made fun of his sister and he almost destroyed the opponent bey (he didn't meant to but at the same time he meant(plus the opponent and the "someone" are the same person)), everyone got scared of him and started calling him the cursed blader.
(I may not tell more because (maybe) I'll write it and post somewhere so that's what i got for now, not gonna spoil that much)

Special moves: he has one for each mode
1° special move- ocean guarding: pure defense mode, just like any def. Move, blocks attacks, but deals increased knockback.

2° special move- swirling dash: driver is in stamina and layer in defense, it stays on the free-spinning plate and move like a cone (since is only the plate making contact) and deals increased dmg.

3° special move- wave resistance: pure stamina mode, inclines and let the enemy bey hit the forge disk instead of the layer, if it touches the floor, it just dash through the arena like crazy almost doing dread vertical until it gets up, hard to do it tho.

4° special move- tide breaker: layer is in stamina and driver in defense, because of its circular shape on stamina mode, it blocks all the attacks on the layer and only layer.

5° special move- direction change (it's a "defect", wasn't supposed to happen): change layer and driver modes randomly depending of the circumstances.

Launching technic: nothing really crazy,he just swings his arm back and forth, do a launch flip, get in position on last sec and tada

Launcher: it's worth mentioning that his launcher has a gear system that makes his bey go faster when he launches with left hand, his left arm is (canonically) weak so this balances it out and launch with the same power (doesn't change spin direction).

Relations: obviously his twin-sister, Sarah: they both like and help each other, she is his polar opposite socially. Also she made him get into beyblade after showing him her own bey.(easy to guess the name)

Kiaru Yofutoremi: One of his only friends, Kiaru follows Callum since he saw what happened on the "cursed blader" thing, they both walk together and train together, it's a wierd realtionship, since both don't talk that much.
(Note: this is about the present time, im planning on add one more person here)

Quotes:  . . . . . he got some:

"Never do that again..." When he almost broke a bey.

"Awesome, hope your ready for mine..." When his sister shown her bey

"We got this..." To Kiaru while waiting for their tag battle. (Prob written on WBO Blader brawl)
(Those are the most important ones)

He's still in development and I'll maybe write about "his story" in general, also it's my first character (written and public shown)(note: english isn't my native language, expect some misunderstanding)(🎵 2: he's not evil)

Unfortunately I cannot review this OC yet due to some things still needing to be sorted out with the descriptions. Srry.
(May. 31, 2021  12:09 AM)MasterofDerp Wrote:
(May. 30, 2021  4:04 PM)Hollowmind8 Wrote: I think I can try it, just for fun i guess:

Name: Callum ??? (Surnames are hard, but since few people knows, there's no prob)

Nickname: Cursed blader (he didn't give it to himself and he hates it)

Age: 14 (funfact, his birthday is on a ??/13/????)

Bey: Old: he didn't had a beyblade then.

Current: Swirl Caribdis Polish' Depth 1D (DS-hibrid balance type, right-spin, sparking system)(DS-hibrid = defense and stamina) (edited: flow exists)

Physical Appearance: black (and a lil messy) hair, dark brown eyes. He wears a black hoodie with a purple fire pin on it (thats the name?),on the middle of the hoodie there's "not my problem", black pants, non-matching socks and grey boots-like sneakers.

Noticeable feature: His face is blocked by a mask resembling the shy guy mask, but without the mouth, not painted and with a crack from left eye all the way down.

Personality traits: Callum is shy and don't talk with anyone else than family and close friends (he "talks" with close friends), plus he has some anxiety, but that doesn't stop him. He has a really good memory and uses that as an advantage. When near people, he tries to ignore them as much as he can. He also has sleep problems.
Likes: Being alone, playing with his sister, planning ahead and play safe, also I can include onions, he can eat one like a apple (not like he does that normally, but he can and isn't bothered by the onion part, it's a ability)
Dislikes: crowded places, losing, unexpected things, people over-excited that always wants to battle and, of course, cheaters.

Character alignment: True neutral, almost sure.

Backstory: so lets see... he and his sister went to their grandmother house because their parents are always travelling for work and etc. He suffers from social negligence from everybody, the mask works as a emotional stabilizer (like a social support puppy), one time someone made fun of his sister and he almost destroyed the opponent bey (he didn't meant to but at the same time he meant(plus the opponent and the "someone" are the same person)), everyone got scared of him and started calling him the cursed blader.
(I may not tell more because (maybe) I'll write it and post somewhere so that's what i got for now, not gonna spoil that much)

Special moves: he has one for each mode
1° special move- ocean guarding: pure defense mode, just like any def. Move, blocks attacks, but deals increased knockback.

2° special move- swirling dash: driver is in stamina and layer in defense, it stays on the free-spinning plate and move like a cone (since is only the plate making contact) and deals increased dmg.

3° special move- wave resistance: pure stamina mode, inclines and let the enemy bey hit the forge disk instead of the layer, if it touches the floor, it just dash through the arena like crazy almost doing dread vertical until it gets up, hard to do it tho.

4° special move- tide breaker: layer is in stamina and driver in defense, because of its circular shape on stamina mode, it blocks all the attacks on the layer and only layer.

5° special move- direction change (it's a "defect", wasn't supposed to happen): change layer and driver modes randomly depending of the circumstances.

Launching technic: nothing really crazy,he just swings his arm back and forth, do a launch flip, get in position on last sec and tada

Launcher: it's worth mentioning that his launcher has a gear system that makes his bey go faster when he launches with left hand, his left arm is (canonically) weak so this balances it out and launch with the same power (doesn't change spin direction).

Relations: obviously his twin-sister, Sarah: they both like and help each other, she is his polar opposite socially. Also she made him get into beyblade after showing him her own bey.(easy to guess the name)

Kiaru Yofutoremi: One of his only friends, Kiaru follows Callum since he saw what happened on the "cursed blader" thing, they both walk together and train together, it's a wierd realtionship, since both don't talk that much.
(Note: this is about the present time, im planning on add one more person here)

Quotes:  . . . . . he got some:

"Never do that again..." When he almost broke a bey.

"Awesome, hope your ready for mine..." When his sister shown her bey

"We got this..." To Kiaru while waiting for their tag battle. (Prob written on WBO Blader brawl)
(Those are the most important ones)

He's still in development and I'll maybe write about "his story" in general, also it's my first character (written and public shown)(note: english isn't my native language, expect some misunderstanding)(🎵 2: he's not evil)

Unfortunately I cannot review this OC yet due to some things still needing to be sorted out with the descriptions. Srry.
No prob I guess.
(May. 30, 2021  5:23 AM)tenma Wrote: Aaaah hey, hey! I just finished my one-shot and would really look forward to it being commented/critiqued :]

The one-shot can be found in the link below:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/31606613


Oh ya keep in mind that it contains no battle. It's pretty much a self-indulgent hurt/comfort burst fic for myself :]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Characterization: 5/5[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dialogue: 5/5[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Plot/Pacing: 5/5[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Grammar: 4.5/5[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Battles(If Any): Null/5[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Detail: 5/5[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Final Score: 24.5/25[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Overall: 98%[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]The only thing that harms the story are a few grammar mistakes, such as a bit of weird formatting for some of the paragraphs, but honestly this is extremely good. Great work![/font]

(Jun. 02, 2021  4:43 PM)MasterofDerp Wrote:
(May. 30, 2021  5:23 AM)tenma Wrote: Aaaah hey, hey! I just finished my one-shot and would really look forward to it being commented/critiqued :]

The one-shot can be found in the link below:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/31606613


Oh ya keep in mind that it contains no battle. It's pretty much a self-indulgent hurt/comfort burst fic for myself :]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Characterization: 5/5[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dialogue: 5/5[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Plot/Pacing: 5/5[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Grammar: 4.5/5[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Battles(If Any): Null/5[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Detail: 5/5[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Final Score: 24.5/25[/font]
[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Overall: 98%[/font]

[font="Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]The only thing that harms the story are a few grammar mistakes, such as a bit of weird formatting for some of the paragraphs, but honestly this is extremely good. Great work![/font]

Whoops. Srry, glitch with the response. But yeah the overall score is a 98%, 24.5/25.
(Jun. 02, 2021  4:43 PM)MasterofDerp Wrote:
(May. 30, 2021  5:23 AM)tenma Wrote: Aaaah hey, hey! I just finished my one-shot and would really look forward to it being commented/critiqued :]

The one-shot can be found in the link below:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/31606613


Oh ya keep in mind that it contains no battle. It's pretty much a self-indulgent hurt/comfort burst fic for myself :]

Characterization: 5/5
Dialogue: 5/5
Plot/Pacing: 5/5
Grammar: 4.5/5
Battles(If Any): Null/5
Detail: 5/5

Final Score: 24.5/25
Overall: 98%

The only thing that harms the story are a few grammar mistakes, such as a bit of weird formatting for some of the paragraphs, but honestly this is extremely good. Great work!

(Jun. 02, 2021  4:43 PM)MasterofDerp Wrote: Characterization: 5/5
Dialogue: 5/5
Plot/Pacing: 5/5
Grammar: 4.5/5
Battles(If Any): Null/5
Detail: 5/5

Final Score: 24.5/25
Overall: 98%

The only thing that harms the story are a few grammar mistakes, such as a bit of weird formatting for some of the paragraphs, but honestly this is extremely good. Great work!

Whoops. Srry, glitch with the response. But yeah the overall score is a 98%, 24.5/25.

Yoo thanks for the rating! I'm sincerely sorry with the weird formatting, I sorta copy-paste it from word to AO3 so it might look weird haha (I even put it in the tags lol :p)
Can you review this?

Name: Eijiro Takahashi

Nicknames/Aliases: None

Gender: Male

Age: 14

Hair Color: Dark Blue with some light blue.

Eye Color: Blue

Bey: Stream/Tidal Evenus Storm Whirlpool 1/2E

Bey System: Legend System (I have an explanation about how it works on the beyblade burst legends thread)

Bey Type: Attack

Bey Rotation: Right

Appearance: Eijiro has a fair complexion and large irises. He has blue hair that ends halfway down his neck. His hair is shaggy and has a light blue streak at the front. He usually waits a plain white shirt and a denim jacket on top of it. He also wears fairly baggy grayish pants and black sneakers.

Noticeable features: Thick eyebrows and hair

Personality: Eijiro is very studious and enjoys tinkering with objects. He sometimes overthinks things and never goes in unprepared. He's a little talkative and try's making friends with people, especially Lee Yamamoto (it always fails)

Allignment: Lawful Good

Likes: Blading, Tinkering, coding, puzzles

Dislikes: People getting hurt, Dense people, traitors

Backstory: None. Just an average life.

Special Moves: Stream Launch, Stream bound, Tidal Launch, Tidal Surf

Launch Techniques: Tilts the launcher to the side a little bit.