So I may not be perfect,
But did you really think that I would be?
Maybe sometimes I might lapse,
Hell, at least I can use an apostrophe,

So if evolution is true,
Then I guess it's not too great,
For this world isn't getting better,
Just filled with despair and hate,

I look down to the paper,
And the ink inside my pen,

Now I feel I'm falling,
Sinking deeper and deeper,
Into despair, as slowly,
Language is deprived,
Of itself.

--------------------------

EDIT: By the way, if you wish to criticise this go ahead. I'll leave you with a thought though. If an artist drew a picture, and everyone but the artist thought it was great, was it a good picture?

It may not seem like it at times, but those little dots at the end of sentences, make every bit of difference in this world.

---

~Pikachao
>Insert immaturity here.

EDIT: By the way, if you wish to criticise this go ahead. I'll leave you with a thought though. If an artist drew a picture, and everyone but the artist thought it was great, was it a good picture?

Quality is subjective.

Anyway, I think it's a bit childish to be honest.

I like it ^^

I'd suggest keeping the scheme on the third stanza, that's the only complaint.

---

Going Away Blow Out Sale! PM ME

Alright,

First of all lose that whole last paragraph about "if everyone thought the painting was bad but the painter...is it still..", it's too much. Let people like your work or dislike it but let your work stand on its own legs. Writing things like that reeks of ego.

Onto the poem.

So I may not be perfect,
But did you really think that I would be?
Maybe sometimes I might lapse,
Hell, at least I can use an apostrophe,
--First three lines here are workable but the fourth line feels like an unnatural rhyme. Not a good thing.

So if evolution is true,
Then I guess it's not too great,
For this world isn't getting better,
Just filled with despair and hate,
--It's an OK idea but it (the idea) and how you wrote it out is very cliche and unexpressive. It just doesn't have substance.

I look down to the paper,
And the ink inside my pen,
--This half stanza does two things: it breaks format and it detracts from the poem. It's an interesting line but it comes out of left field. It doesn't fit. It seems like maybe you started to write a verse here, got stuck, and just skipped the last two lines.

Now I feel I'm falling,
Sinking deeper and deeper,
Into despair, as slowly,
Language is deprived,
Of itself.
--This stanza really bugs me for two reasons. 1)You broke cadence with this. It doesn't have the same almost sing songy quality as the rest of the poem. You stopped rhyming. 2)This both adds nothing as well as detracts. The final lines feel forced and "Language is deprived, Of Itself" is both nonsense and over the top artsy.

Normally I wouldn't hate on a poem like this but with the whole edit you added after the poem...I had to. Just because one person thinks it's good...it doesn't mean it's a quality piece. It is, however, definitely workable.

I was actually fond of the final line of the first stanza. It slightly awkward but in a personally very charming way.

I think you might move the third stanza towards the end and alter it slightly? To make for an unusual but again, charming finish, to echo the "apostrophe".

As for the final stanza, the rhythm is broken with it, although you could argue that this actually fits in well with the theme of launguage depriving itself. Just like the rhyme scheme has become broken, perhaps language is receiving the same fate or treatment.

i liked it.

---

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