Like the thread title says, I'm linking to the pages I have so far of a Beyblade doujinshi. Started work around four months ago. Progress has been slow, but for the most part, it's worth it.

Intro 01
Intro 02
Intro 03
Intro 04
Clash of Two Flames! - Cover
Page 01
Page 02
Page 03
Page 04
Page 05
Page 06
Page 07
Page 08
Page 09

I linked to all the current pages from here because... well, I'm pretty sure there's someone who'd rather see snippets than read the whole thing from the start. And also, its kind of annoying having to click and wait for your browser to load the new page if I'd just linked to first one (that in turn has links to the next page, which links to the next, etc.)

Yeah... see how slow progress is? 4 months and only 14 pages, counting cover art.

Gah. I'm rambling now. Ja.

im not even going to comment on the story considering the source material, but i have some feedback:

- your art is fine, but not very consistent. youll have some really good looking scenes, and others not so much. also the beyblades could be better

is it really necessary to say things like "oneechan?". ughhh

overall....its nothing special. but im sure it could be improved

I basically agree with Artie.

From an artistic standpoint, it's decent. Sometimes. The anatomy of the characters can be really off, and akward looking.

Example: Max on panel 1, page 9.

However, the art is actually pretty nice at some points.

Example: Kai on panel 5, page 9.

Through the entire comic, the Beyblades are kinda sloppily drawn. I reccomend NOT drawing the Beys how Aoki did in the manga. For most people it'd be a carp to draw 'em.

Just try to differentiate between them, while keeping the art of them decent.

And, from what I've seen, Kei looks like a perfect, flat character, A.K.A, a Mary Sue.

I think you could do a lot with the storyline, but it needs work. Good luck.

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I translate Bakuten Shoot Beyblade and will (probably) do the same for Beyblade Burst as well. If you like my work, please considering donating so that I may continue to do so consistently! These episodes take time to do, and as a college student I can't always easily take time out of my schedule to work on them.

If you do donate, let me know in a PM so I can thank you with a quick sketch (unique to every donator).

I hate looking at stuff like this because I wish I had the audacity to go through with making a comic of some kind. Good on ya if only for that.

Outside of this I'd say what others have said, but know I feel like a reaaal carp hypocrite because I know whenever I've tried to draw comics I get so messed up with poses that I end up getting super-lazy and eventually trashing the whole thing.

My suggestion is once you finish the chapter go back and look through your stuff, correcting your anatomical errors and be ruthless about it.

is it really necessary to say things like "oneechan?". ughhh

...why does it seem that everyone's got a problem with my usage of Japanese? Seriously. It's getting annoying.

...y'know, I forgot to mention that I was emulating Aoki's style in the manga; in other words, I don't normally draw like that, hence the 'awkwardness'...

ANyway... comments - good and bad - taken, 'cept I think its kinda unfair to label Kei as a 'Mary Sue' right away. The story's pretty much just started.

But whatever. Your opinions, nothin' I can do 'bout that. *shrug*

because its annoying when you're speaking english and then ONE WORD is japanese. it's carp silly, but typical of the anime fanbase

If you're going to say oneechan, maybe just turn it into something like "big/little/whateversize siblinggender here"? Big sister, little brother etc

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...why does it seem that everyone's got a problem with my usage of Japanese? Seriously. It's getting annoying.

...y'know, I forgot to mention that I was emulating Aoki's style in the manga; in other words, I don't normally draw like that, hence the 'awkwardness'...

Anyway... comments - good and bad - taken, 'cept I think its kinda unfair to label Kei as a 'Mary Sue' right away. The story's pretty much just started.

But whatever. Your opinions, nothin' I can do 'bout that. *shrug*

I agree that it's probably not fair to call Kei a perfect character this early into the story. From what I've seen though, that's what it looks like. Just be mindful of that.

Why the hell are you drawing in a style that you don't normally use? Unless it's going to improve from it, I'd suggest against it. I think you should just use your own style, because as the doujinshi moves on, the art, and your style would probably improve.

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I translate Bakuten Shoot Beyblade and will (probably) do the same for Beyblade Burst as well. If you like my work, please considering donating so that I may continue to do so consistently! These episodes take time to do, and as a college student I can't always easily take time out of my schedule to work on them.

If you do donate, let me know in a PM so I can thank you with a quick sketch (unique to every donator).

i thought doujinshis are like hentai

i thought doujinshis are like hentai

usually but not in this case

i thought doujinshis are like hentai

usually but not in this case

thats good because the comments were freaking me out lollll

I'm gonna go ahead and label Kei as a Mary Sue. You can change my mind later, but that's my first impression. The art is above par, but the storyline is not very good. For example, I can tell you how many stories I've read with some female OC named Kei who is somehow related in some way to Kai. She is normally either his sister or his girlfriend. As long as you don't pull one of those, I think you can still salvage the story.

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LOOKS GREAT!!!

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B-)B-)

You've put a lot of work into it, and it's cool. But there are still some things you need to fix.

Page 1
I really like the opening shot of Kai, it looks just like the manga. Well-done. One thing that bothered me is that you have to read it right to left, like in Japan...I really think that's unnecessary for a comic in English.

Page 2
Kei's design doesn't stand up or pop like Kai's does--it's too normal. Also, starting here, the eyes sometimes are way too far apart on the face. You don't have to emulate the creator's style in your fan-comic unless you absolutely want to try.

Page 3
On the first panel, Kei's hand is backwards. She's facing forward, but her hand isn't. Second panel, Kai's mouth is too high up on his face. And the fifth panel needs more detail. Kei's face in panel 3 is so G-Rev, and I really like the way you drew it.

Page 4
Kei's shooter and her position are facing in different perspectives. The way she's holding it would be pretty uncomfortable. Also, her face is kind of scrunched up. The Kai's right cheek is looking a little weird too. But I really like the way you chose for them to pull their shooters; it's cool.

Cover
Kai's hair just seems off. The crosshatching in the back especially needs to be fixed, as it doesn't look like crosshatching anymore. The transition is a little awkward. Kei's entire face just looks weird here, and her positioning is lackluster. She needs redrawing.

Page 5
Character poses here are simply awesome. They really look great. Backgrounds and Beyblades? Not so much. Put more detail into where they are and the look of a spinning beyblade.

Page 6
The top panel is supposed to burst energy. But it just doesn't scream excitement. The anatomy of Kei's Akayu is really off. I would have preferred for it to be looking directly forward, along with its face pointing that way. The beyblade is just boring, and so is the energy around it. Give Kei's hair a reason to blow back.

Kei's anatomy here is off too. Her legs look like they're facing the wrong direction. The fist in her left hand doesn't exactly look like a fist. Draw it from a different angle. As for panel 3, I see what you did there. Next time, draw Dranzer's seal instead of copypasta. Kai's face paint keeps changing angles.

Page 7
What's up with the gradiented wall in the first panel? What is that? The only problem with this page is that your backgrounds just don't have much detail to them. They're boring and don't work well for setting.

Page 8
Max needs his back fixed, along with his collar. His neck is also too far back, and his left sleeve is longer than his right. You've got their faces down, but you need to fix their proportions. Rei is drawn really well in pattern 2, but Rei-kun(fix the name...do we really need two Rei's?)'s hat needs work. His eyes in panel four are expressionless.

Page 9
Opening panel doesn't look like a dash; just a foot with some sfx. In panel 2, Rei-kun just looks weird. His face is poorly drawn, and you still haven't gotten his cap down. I like his fist, though. In panel 3, just hat, background, and back issues again. Rei-kun's head is turned far too back. I like his face though, and his arms look great. The only thing wrong with panel 5 is Max's face.

Page 10
No need for "san" and "kun" to be in the dialogue. Rei's missing a right arm in panel 2. There's also a random, unfilled dialogue box in there. Rei-kun's hat is looking much better here. In the final panel, I don't like Kei's karate picture.

Page 11
Redraw the first panel. Their faces aren't proportioned right when mixed with the angles of their bodies. Max's body looks too huge, like a balloon. Rei-kun is taller than the BBA crew now, and it doesn't work. Panel 2, Rei's sticking his neck out. It's awkward. Also, his eyes are too far apart. For the rest of the comic, again, BACKGROUNDS.

Page 12
Cool opening panel! Why is Kei's beyblade circling her? I'd imagine it would be pretty dangerous. Give a better sense of where they are by adding more to the background. What time of day is it? Where's the sky?

In panel 2, Rei and Rei-kun look weird. Rei's face is weird. Rei-kun's neck is too long, and why is his body facing towards Max?

Page 13
Max is in the same position as in page 8, and his neck is still turned too far back. He's slouching and the perspective of the entire thing is just off. In this panel, he's taller than Rei-kun. On the previous page, they were the same height? Be more consistent in their heights. Kei's pants are much better than before. Also, her bust magically grew. Puberty?

You've probably spent a long time, and I know it was hard trying to imitate another artist's style. There are some things you should fix for the next few pages, and I criticize only because I want to help. A lot of things need to be redrawn, and try not to plagiarize Takao Aoki's poses. Come up with your own; make it interesting without copying.