World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

BeybladeStory:The Beyblade Adventure.

Poll: Do you like this story?

It is awesome
50.00%
2
Just Good
25.00%
1
Bad
25.00%
1
Total: 100% 4 vote(s)
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Jun. 10, 2011  4:11 PM
 
Hi guys, I decided to create a BeyStory.
Opinions and ideas are welcomed.

[/size][size=xx-large][color=#000000]Prologue-1st chapter.
I was in the bed, sleeping. The night was silent with a constant sound of my dad snoring loudly. I could not sleep because of the sounds. Then, I thinked about what am I going do the next day. I hoped that I could get a new beyblade but it is too expensive to buy. I just wished I could get a beyblade. Then, my brother told me to go too sleep because my dad has stopped snoring. After that, I decided to start sleeping . Through the night I was dreaming about something. I had a dream about a bad person who is going to BeyFight me and it was an intense battle. In the midst of my dream, my mother woke me up. I woke up in the morning . When, I woke up I felt something that hit my head. Then, I saw in my blanket a beyblade,Storm Phoenix105MS. After I took my breakfast, I went out to play and..................
Jun. 10, 2011  4:31 PM
 
It's not a very good story, and grammar is poor sorry dude.
Jun. 10, 2011  6:34 PM
 
well a nice try buddy keep writing no matter what because one day it may become a hit
Jun. 10, 2011  6:48 PM
 
Prologue
I was in the bed, sleeping. The night was silent with a constant, continuous, annoying sound of my dad snoring loudly. I could not sleep because of the sounds. Then, I thought about what am I going do the next day. I hoped that I could get a new Beyblade but Beyblades are too expensive to just buy whenever I would want one. I just wished I could get a brand new, shiny Beyblade. After thinking about this, my brother told me to go to sleep because our dad had stopped snoring. After that, I decided to go to sleep. Through the night I was dreaming about something. I had a dream about a bad, evil, power-hungry person, who, would surely challenge me to an intense Beybattle. In the midst of my dream, my mother woke me up. As i got out of bed, the sun's glimmering rays flooded across my room and my bed. Then, as I glanced around, a reflection of the sun, bouncing of a piece of metal, then I realized that in my blanket, there was a Bey, Storm Phoenix105MS. After I ate my breakfast, I went out to play, full of joy and excitement, ready to take on any Beyblader who i met with my new Bey. Then, It happened.

Just Edited the prologue to make it flow better, and you have quite a lot of grammar mistakes, fix those, know your verb forms, based on the tense, write with spirit and your story will improve threefold. P.S. your cliffhanger wasn't impressive, make cliffhangers short, sudden and dramatic, just before the climax of that certain situation.
Jun. 11, 2011  4:02 PM
 
Chapter 2- In the BeyPark. This is the second chapter guys.

I went out to play and suddenly, someone was standing in front of me. He had short hair and wore dark black sunglasses. I can see in his pocket, something small, orangish colour thing . As I look closer, I saw a shiny beyblade, Lightning Pegasus105RF '"I see great power in you, you should join us in the place where evil once begun."said the mysterious person as he vanished within a split second. I was shocked by the incident. All the excitement I had was all gone by the strange incident that happened. Then, while I was frozen like a stick because of the immediate disappearance of the mysterious person, my friends came and ask me to go to the BeyPark. Again, the excitement came back because I wanted to try my first beyblade. I rushed towards the BeyPark with such excitement, I forgot everything about the incident. As I reached the BeyPark, the air felt fresh and I can feel the adrenaline coming. I asked my friends if they wanted to battle but only Ajay wanted to fight. "Let It Rip" we said as we let go of our beyblades from our launchers. They flew into the stadium as they went in circles. Then, it happened...