Beyblade, my story (again)

Poll: Do you like it?

Total: 100% 20 vote(s)
sorry, i had originaly put this in general discussion and had not started the story. So, i moved the story to "Your Creations" and i will start the story now. I will be taking character requests in the format below.

Name- Aden Smith
Beyblade- Flame Eagle
Special move- Flaming wing strike
Bio- Aden is eager and loyal to his friends. He is determined to beat everyone in his path.

Chapter 1
Aden woke up very early on a warm Saturday. He quickly got ready and grabbed his Flame Eagle and his launcher. "Where are my shoes?" He wondered aloud. He ran around the house looking for them. He finally found them under the washing machine. "When did these get here?" He thought. Putting them on, he ran out of the house and towards the park. When he got there, he saw a stadium. A kid was standing there with his launcher ready. "3! 2! 1! Let it Rip!!!!!" They yelled, there beyblades where flung into the stadium. The kid had a Storm Bull. "Go Flame Eagle!" Aden yelled. He was being pushed towards the edge of the stadium. "Flaming Wing Strike attack!" Aden yelled. Eagle came and his wings became flame. Eagle repeatedly hit Bull until it was flung out of the stadium. "No!" The kid yelled and ran off. "Great job Eagle!" Aden said as he walked home. "Heh heh heh," A strange voice said to himself "He thinks he's so great" He pulled out a walkie-talkie,"We've found him.

Edit: Okay, this is awful, but it's funny for me to look back on.
name-Allen hanato
beyblade-Grand dragon
special move-dragon buster(bey glows red,then creates a fire tornado)
bio-VERY friendly to his friends.he has a very good heart that doesnt bring him down
Cool. Chapter 2 is here!

Chapter 2
"And the winner of the tournament is Aden Smith!" The announcer shouted as Aden pulled off another impressive victory. After he got through the crowd, Aden began walking home. He saw to kids beyblading on the sidewalk. "Go, Grand dragon!" one yelled. "Dragon buster attack!" His bey glowed red and a fire tornado burst out of his bey. It swallowed the other bey. Then, when everything cleared Aden saw a smoking bey with Grand Dragon spinning right beside it. "Yes! great job Grand Dragon!"said the kid. Aden walked over, "Hey you're pretty good," he said "Whats your name?" "Allen Hanato" Allen replied. "You want to battle?" Aden asked. "Sure, but i'm gonna win!" Allen said with a smile. "Don't be so sure!" Aden said, also smiling. "3! 2! 1! Let it Rip!!!!! Soon sparks where flying everywhere. The two beyblades kept hitting each other again and again. "Go Grand Dragon!" "Go Flame Eagle!". "Dragon Buster attack!" "Flaming Wing strike attack!" They yelled at the same time. Fire was everywhere. When the smoke cleared, Flame Eagle was upside down on the ground next to Aden. Grand Dragon was still spinning. "Told you i'd win!" Allen said. "Wow, you're good!" Aden said. "Hey wanna come to my house?" Aden asked. "My family owns a beypart shop." "Awesome! Lets go". Suddenly a shadow jumped from one building to another. "Whats that?" Aden asked. "Lets go check it out!" Allen answered. So they ran off after the shadow.
I'm still accepting good guys, but i'd like a bad guy too.
Yay!!!!!allen wins!nice chapter,too
Thanks, i'll be making the next chapter towards afternoonish
Hey good job

Here is a bad guy name

Frank Augun
ok, do you want me to do the bio, beyblade and special move or would you rather do it?
Ok sorry for the wait

Chapter 3
"Hurry!" Allen yelled over his shoulder to Aden. "I am, i am!" Aden panted. "I got an idea!" said Allen. He took out his beyblade and launched it at a close line. Bed sheets began raining down, one fell on the shadowy guy, another fell on Aden. Allen ran over to the shadowy guy, "Who are you and what are you doing?" "I, am Frank Augun!" Frank said. The recovered Aden came over and said, "I challenge you!" "Heh heh heh, if you insist." Frank chuckled. "3! 2! 1! Let it Rip!!!!!" The beys flew into the stadium. "Go! Midnight Serpent. Darkness Poison attack!" Suddenly a ball of darkness formed around Flame Eagle. "No! Flame Eagle!" shouted Aden. Flame Eagle flew high into the air. "Now! Flaming Nosedive attack!" Aden yelled. Eagle became surrounded by flame. It fell down gaining power as it went. It smashed into Midnight Serpent and sent it flying out of the stadium. "Noooo!" screeched (yes screeched) Frank. Suddenly in a burst of darkness, he disappeared. "Great job!" Allen said. "Thanks, i'm glad Eagle and i made it through that one." Aden sighed. Suddenly, 20 beys flew out of nowhere!
Bad guy group name

Possibly darkfire

Good guy name

Possibly skyfire

Just ideas pick one if you need it for the 20 beyblades coming put of nowhere
please add this corrector to as a villian

jim carley
beyblade =burn kerbesc
special move = burning whirl wind
bio= behaves very rudely with his teammates and want to crush everyone coming in his way
Another villian

Xeal (Zee-All) Rin
Beyblade: Poison Byxis 105HF/S
Special Move: Venom Compass
Bio: A runaway who live on the streets. He Beyblades under the control of his Poison Byxis (Who is controlling his mind). When he is not controlled by Poison Byxis, he is a lighthearted young boy.

Hope you use it! Grin
NICE!!! I like everything about the story........... its better than mine.
Im his friend
He needs more good guys
(Mar. 21, 2011  10:50 PM)hitman-tutor Wrote: NICE!!! I like everything about the story........... its better than mine.

well, i don't know about that...
Chapter 4
"Attack!" 20 figures shouted as they leaped to the ground. Their beyblades circled Allen and Aden. "Go!" Allen and Aden launched their beyblades. "Flaming Wing Strike!" "Dragon Buster Attack!" 18 beys where knocked away and stopped spinning. Only a Burn Kerbesc and a Poison Byxis remained. "Burning Whirlwind!" "Venom Compass!" There owners ordered. The beyblades unleashed their special attacks. "Hang in their!" Aden yelled. "I got an idea!" Allen said. He quickly filled Aden in. "Got it." Aden said as a smiled formed on his dusty face. "Now, Eagle jump up!" Aden yelled. "Quick, get under eagles landing point!" Allen ordered his beyblade. Just when Eagle was about to crash into Dragon, Aden and Allen unleashed there special attacks. A 35 foot tornado erupted above them. It smashed into Byxis and Kerbesc sending them flying into the air. They fell at there bladers feet. "Did you finish completley analyzing them?" one asked. "Yes, and i have it all saved on this hard drive, now hurry up and move outta my way, i gotta go." They quickly ran away. "This was just a test?" Allen said, angry. "Yah! Whats with that?" Aden wondered. "Well we don't have time to worry about it now, lets go." Allen said. So they walked to Aden's beypart shop.
Your story seems ok, but like the one that I just commented on a few minutes ago, I think that it could be much improved if you were to write in more detail. I mean, just looking at your chapters, they're all 1 paragraph long, and the details feel rushed because everything's mostly important details without the actual detail that you find in stories that flesh them out :3 Keep writing tho and I'm sure you'll get better XD just some food for thought.
Team Name?
(Mar. 23, 2011  5:33 AM)Rhonder Wrote: Your story seems ok, but like the one that I just commented on a few minutes ago, I think that it could be much improved if you were to write in more detail. I mean, just looking at your chapters, they're all 1 paragraph long, and the details feel rushed because everything's mostly important details without the actual detail that you find in stories that flesh them out :3 Keep writing tho and I'm sure you'll get better XD just some food for thought.

ok thanks, i'll try to add more detail.
ok, evil guys team name will be revealed in later chapters.

Chapter 5
Aden and Allen where walking to Aden's parent's beypart shop. It had been a busy day and they where ready to drop. "Man, i haven't beybladed that much in my life!" Aden gasped. "Well, i don't know about that for me, i- Hey! look at that!" Allen pointed to a piece of paper on the ground. "What's it say?" Aden asked. "Beyblade tournament, this Friday, anyone welcome, tournament will be hosted at the Main Arena, Downtown. We should enter!" "Yah! We have a whole week to train!" As they walked into the beypart shop, they where greeted by Aden's mom. "Aden, welcome home! Who do you have with you?" "Just my friend mom." "Well ok, dinner will be ready soon." "Ok! Allen, let's go upstairs." They went up stairs. Aden's room was covered with beyblade stats and his desk was full of beyblade pieces. "Wow, you must really like beyblade." Allen said with a surprised look on his face. "Yah, beyblading is awesome!" The two of them messed around with some beyblade parts for a while. "Aden dinners ready!" His mom called. "Ok, coming! Do you wanna eat over?" "Sure!" Allen said. They ran downstairs. Aden's dad was giving a repaired beyblade to a kid. "What happened to his beyblade?" Aden asked. "He was challenged to a battle by someone. When he lost, they kept hitting his beyblade." Aden's dad replied. "Who's that?" He asked. "My friend, his name is Allen, he's beaten me once." "Well good job Allen!" Aden's dad said with a smile. They sat down and ate. After wards, Aden's dad fixed up Aden's and Allen's beyblades. "Thank you for everything, but i have to go now." Allen said. "Ok, come again!" Aden's parents said. "Bye!" Aden smiled. He turned to his parents. "There's a tournament Friday, could i go?" "Sure, of course you can go. But you better train if Allen is entering to." "I will, thanks." Aden said as he walked up his stairs.
lol,one part of the story says "ade's"

shouldnt it be aden?

oh,and great story!
oops, thanks for telling me Smile
im really busy so the next chapter wont come out till about tuesday. sorry.
Bey:Burn Blaze125WD,Sol PheonixWA130MF
Special MoveConfusedupernova the bey creates a multitude of flame darts at the opponet,Ring of Fire your bey spins very fast about your opponet creating a flame tornado and slowly pulls it in untill it hits the opponet.
Bio:Blitz is anti-social he doesn't talk much he wears an orange shirt with a red jacket with the sleeves rolled up he starts out as a bad guy but when he is finally beaten he becomes good.
This is just part of the next chapter. Since i have play practice all week, i will be posting chapter fragments. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Part 1
"There," Aden said; filling his last tin can with rocks. He put it on top of his tin can tower. Aden stood back to admire his work. "Not bad" He said to himself. He had built a tower of rock filled tin cans and stacked them on top of each other. "3! 2! 1! Let it Rip!!!!!!" Flame Eagle sped towards the tower, when it finally came into contact with it, cans and rocks went everywhere. "Aden, what are you doing?" His dad called from the shop. "Just practicing!" Aden called back. Suddenly, a beyblade went flying towards him. He ducked out of the way just in time. "What was that?!" Aden yelled.
If this is going against any rules, please tell me.
Is there anyone who lives near the chicago, park ridge, niles area?
again if i am violating any rules i would like to know. thank you
Sorry i havent posted in a while, ive been really busy.

"Oops, did i scare you?" A voice from the tree said. "A talking tree?!" Aden jumped back. "Yah, a talking tree" The voice said in a sarcastic tone. A figure jumped out of the tree. "Let me guess, you're some kook trying to smash my beyblade of something." Aden said. "Everything but the kook part" the person said. "Whatever, lets start!" "3! 2! 1! Let it Rip!!!!!!!!" "What kind of beyblade is that!?" Aden wondered. "Now Burn Blaze! Supernova attack!" The mysterious person ordered. Eagle was pounded by darts of flame. "Now i will crush your bey!!!!" "Not if i have anything to say about it, Flaming wing strike attack!" Eagle kept hitting Blaze but nothing happened. "Whats happening!?" Blaze shot more fire darts at Eagle and Aden noticed he was going to lose. "Now, final attack!!!! Supreme wildfire!!!!!" Aden yelled. A huge fire erupted onto Burn Blaze. When the smoke cleared Eagle was spinning on top of half of Blazes fusion wheel. "No!!!!! My beyblade!!!!" Aden picked up the pieces. "My mom and dad can fix it for you if you want." "I just attacked you and you want to help me?" "Sure, why not" Aden said cheerfully. "Th-thank you" "Don't mention it. By the way, whats you name?" "Blitz" "Well great battle Blitz" Aden said as he walked into the Beypart shop.
If anyone has any suggestions, i would like to here them. I want my story to be as good as possible Smile
Finish it already, I want to know how it ends!!!!