Beyblade (Untitled)

Poll: Like it?

Yes
40.00%
4
No
0%
0
Terrible
10.00%
1
Gf idiot
10.00%
1
Dont ever post a thread again
10.00%
1
Sucks like hell!
10.00%
1
I HATE YOUR THREAD SO MUCH IM GONNA BLOW UP!!!
20.00%
2
Total: 100% 10 vote(s)
Characters:
1:Name: Hitory Shimota
Gender:Boy
Age:10
Bey name: Meteo L-Drago LW105XF
Sp. movesConfusedhadow Surge,Gone Destruction,Meteor of Power. (Legendary Move)Shadow SurgeConfusedhadows come from bey,opening a portal that takes in all the light,that scares the opposing bey,causing it to stop spinning.Gone Destruction:L-Drago spins in a zig-zag pattern,leaving a trail of fire behind it.When the bey touches it,a different effect happens each time.Meteor of Power:Meteors shoot down at the stadium,until the opposing bey gets defeated.
Look: Hitory has light skin,and wears a green Aeropostale short sleeve T-Shirt,also Adidas shoes,along with black gloves.
Description:Has been obsessed with Beyblade ever since age 3,and has been training to be at the top.He stands in 3rd place in the BeyRanks.

2:Name: Saria Kamoto
Gender:Girl
Age:10
Bey name:Vulcan Pegasis CH120R2F
Sp. move:Vulcan Glow
The bey glows and strikes the opposing bey with outstanding power!
Look: Saria has light skin,and wears a pink short sleeve T-Shirt,Nike shoes,and shorts that are a little wider than her skinny leg,that are short on her.
Description: Saria has had a big crush on Hitory as long has she had known him,but is afraid to tell Hitory.She is in 10th in the BeyRanks.


CHAPTER ONE
"Mom!Dad!",Hitory calls out."What?",his mom answers."You said something about moving?",Hitory says"Yes.",His dad says.His mom says,"I TOTALLY FORGOT!!!Ok,time to pack up!"Hitory and his dad answer,"Ok"Everyone starts packing up.When they finish,they get to the car and the moving truck starts to guide them.

When they arrive,Hitory sees Saria at her new house!(she might have heard Hitory was moving)Saria says,"Hi Hitory!Long time,no see!"Hitory adds,"Oh,hi Saria!"Saria then calls out,"Hitory,I challenge you to a beybattle!"She then takes out her launcher and bey.Hitory does the same thing.They both notice a beystadium at the park,so they battle in there.

3!Hitory calls out.
2!Saria cries.
1!The crowd shouts.
Let it rip!Hitory and Saria shout together.

"L-Drago!"Hitory calls."Pegasis!"Saria calls.L-Drago started to boost in speed,seeming invisible while spinning around the stadium,constantly hitting Pegasis!"Pegasis!"Saria calls,"Special move!Vulcan Glow!"Hitory adds,"That won't even hit L-Drago!Special move!Shadow Surge!L-Drago brings up a portal that started to take in all the light,forcing Pegasis into a sleep out!"Good game!",Hitory shouts across the stadium,while his bey flew back to his hand.Saria replies,"I agree!" The crowd claps,as Hitory and Saria leave the stadium...
I forgot about some of the indents of paragraphs,sorry
Like the story!
But can you add my character from your last thread please?The one in my request?I'm not begging,I'm just asking.
^I swear to god, what the carp have you been smoking.

a) No Character Requests. Make your own.
b) Grammar sucks. Beyond. Belief.
c) Mary-Sue! Also beyond belief.
d) No variation in language at all. Says, says, says, says.
e) Random weird stuff occurs. Ex: Where does the giant crowd come from for a simple beybattle between 2 people?
f) Length is carp. May seem wrong to say, but next part:
g) Quality is carp as well.

I could actually review this story, but this is extremely hard to save from complete trash, and I have an 18 page outline on 'Civil Disobedience' by Henry David Thoreau to complete.

Excuse my brutal honesty, I'm only telling you what's true.
I agree, this story needs a lot of work before it could be considered quality
i hhhhhhaaaaaaaaaattttttttttttteeeeeee this thread so much i am going to nuke it
I know how much you hate it now,so I guess I should ask the mods to close it,don't you agree?I don't really know how to edit my story.It could just get worse if I edit it!I don't think I am going to post a thread again!Masaru Hara is the KING,of writing stories!I'll see if I could write one on a piece of paper and see how my friends like it.If they do,I'll post one on this forum.Merry Christmas!Grin
(Ignore the "Merry Christmas" if it is not Christmas time.)