[Beyblade Story] Conquest

I decided to try to make a story. If you want a character made by you in it then PM me. Follow this format
Name:
Age:
Bey: (Real parts only)
Look:
Personality:
Part 1
Part 2
Hope you enjoy my story.








Its ok. Theres some repetition though like-
"Victory." said Rai as he grabbed his blade.
"I can't lose." said Rai with a chuckle on his face.
Try to make it more like-
"Victory." Ray said, grabbing his blade. "I can't lose."
Also, it may not seem like much but all the "said Chris" and "said Rai" gets kind of boring. You could do something more along the lines of-
"Chris said" and "Rai smiled". And when a character says something, then they say something else without interruption, you don't need to say "said (name)". Also in like the third to last line, you changed from past to present tense. Besides that, its good!
(Dec. 01, 2012  2:52 AM)Curious George Wrote: Its ok. Theres some repetition though like-
"Victory." said Rai as he grabbed his blade.
"I can't lose." said Rai with a chuckle on his face.
Try to make it more like-
"Victory." Ray said, grabbing his blade. "I can't lose."
Also, it may not seem like much but all the "said Chris" and "said Rai" gets kind of boring. You could do something more along the lines of-
"Chris said" and "Rai smiled". And when a character says something, then they say something else without interruption, you don't need to say "said (name)". Also in like the third to last line, you changed from past to present tense. Besides that, its good!
Thanks. Next part I will make it better.

Ok, can't wait! Keep up the good work!
good story but there is no asking for character requests
look at this thread
http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-RULES-It...reads-this
(Dec. 01, 2012  3:02 AM)kyoyatategami Wrote: good story but there is no asking for character requests
look at this thread
http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-RULES-It...reads-this
"Roleplay is not allowed, full stop. Do not confuse them with character requests. And as always, follow the writer's format."
Neat story, although punctuation needs work. You didn't have good use of commas. Good job, though!
(Dec. 01, 2012  3:18 AM)Tri Wrote: Neat story, although punctuation needs work. You didn't have good use of commas. Good job, though!
Yeah, I just realized that. I'll make sure the next story will be better with punctuation.
Part 2 is up check it out.