Beyblade: Solid Steel

Poll: How is my story?

Its great!
0%
0
Its pretty good.
0%
0
Its ok but needs work
66.67%
2
You have potential but it sucks
0%
0
You shouldnt be writing
33.33%
1
Total: 100% 3 vote(s)
Chapter 1 part 1: Take flight Phoenix!!
"Sage!! Hurry up with those spare parts!" yelled Tom. "Coming!" I yelled back as I ran downstairs carrying a large box full of all sorts of bey parts. Tom was my boss at our small bey shop. He was an incredible mechanic he could take any bey, launcher, or other blader gear and make them work better than they did when they were brand new!
I had always admired and respected Tom and I always wished that my work could be as great as his. Tom had found me alone in the streets playing with a broken beyblade I found in the trash. Tom watched me as I tinkered with the bey parts until I had finally managed to fix it. "Hey you have a real talent there!" said Tom in his Booming voice. "How about this, you come work for me in my shop and I'll let you live with me!" He said with a big toothed grin. Tom was a large man with a lot of muscle, a short brown beard and short brown hair his weirdest feature was the fact that he had half of one of his eyebrows singed off above his hard black eyes. "I'm going to get lunch!" I shouted to Tom as I walked out the door. I stepped outside into the golden sun and breathed in some fresh air that didn't smell like oil. The wind blew through my spiky black hair as I walked down the street to the local diner my tan skin and dark cloths filthy from working in the workshop. Three really pretty girls walked past me "Hey look its our neighborhood grease monkey" snickered the one in the middle, all of the girls laughed at me I looked down. "Hey leave Sage alone!" shouted a short cute blue-haired girl a few yards away. You could see the seriousness in her large blue eyes as she glared at the girls, but the girls just laughed and walked away. The girl's name was Yoko she was from Tokyo Japan but moved to Phoenix Arizona three years ago because her dad got a job transfer. She wore a pink hoodie with a white shirt that had a rabbit on it and a miniskirt that came came just above her knees. She was also my only friend other than Tom. "Thanks Yoko" I said with a smile. "In return you can treat me to lunch" announced Yoko. "Ok I guess" I replied (Today I'm going to tell him how I really feel about him) Yoko said to herself. After lunch I looked into my wallet with a frown on my face to see that it was empty. "Ok I'm going to go back to work now" I said to Yoko. " Wait!" exclaimed Yoko. "Sage I wanted to tell you.." but she didn't get to finish her sentence as an object fell from the sky and hit me on my head and I blacked out. I woke up hours later in my Bed with Tom and Yoko staring down at me. "You're awake!" shouted Yoko as she hugged me. "Yeah I'mm fine.... what happened?" This fell from the sky and hit your head said Tom handing me a bey with an black twisted fusion wheel and a blue Phoenix energy ring.
End of chapter 1 part 1
Nice. A cliffhanger on the first chapter is always mysterious.
...It's a brick. A mediocre one at that. Capitalization, bed execution, and simple lack of originality. I can find few good points from this chapter. The main one is that the spelling isn't so bad.
Is there any beyblade made of liquid metal?
Anyway, Agreed with Temporal, this story is a block.
How the hell did the main character know Yoko's name? Is he a stalker? This can be improved. A lot.
It clearly states that she is one of Sage's only friends..
You should probably change Twisted into Basalt as I'm sure everybody is more accustomed to.
I would also like to say the grammar is not that good.. aka when a new person starts to speak start a new line, it helps solve alot of confusion about whos speaking. not bad but I think it does need to be a bit more original, try add a new twist to it and it will work well, good luck!
Why are you guys draggin' him down?! Sure the grammar's not that good, but this story has potential!
Because it is not that good. Saying "This is awesome!!!!!" when a story is bad does not help the situation. And aren't you supposed to mention those type of things in this type of manner:
"The girl, Sage's only friend, went by the name of Yoko.", no? It just makes more sense to the reader. I maintain that the story could use a lot of improvement. And why do you start with an attempted confession? It seems a bit forced to me, and Mary-Sueish, too.
It's fine I've got a better idea anyway thanks for all the advice