Beyblade - Dragulus ((Beystory))
Poll: Should I Continue This ?
| Yes, I would like to read more. |
|
24 |
| No, i found it boring and crappy. |
|
1 |
| Total: | 100% | 25 vote(s) |
![[Image: sansre1q.jpg]](https://img593.imageshack.us/img593/898/sansre1q.jpg)
By soon, I meant during the next week.
wrote some of chapter 3, liking it so far.
Alright Bro, you asked for my review, and here it is. Lemme warn ya though, don't get your hopes up, it's not exactly positive. But PLEASE read it to the end.
Now, I've read both chapters and the first thing i noticed is - It feels rushed. All the action and everything that happens feels sort of rushed. Don't be quick to jump into a scene. Ease it up, and take it slow. It's much better that way and doesn't put too much information into the reader's head. Try having longer scenes and longer conversations, which brings me to my next point - dialogue. You need to work on it severely. All the dialogue seems unfinished, like pieces are missing, as well as rushed. Work on that as well, try to reread the dialogue and imagine the talk in your head. It might help! And try to have the characters' personality in mind when you write their dialogue. Some lines seemed like they were being said by a completely different character, so before you write the dialogue, make sure you have a solid personality for that character and you KNOW what said character would say. Next up - description. You don't really give alot of description on the characters. Other than "tall", you don't really tell the reader what those men look like. Try to use more words, and broaden your vocabulary just a bit. And also - names. Kai Macedon?! Is he meant to be Macedonian or something?! Or do you just randomly put together names like that?! It's not that it's a bad name, but when i read it, since i'm Macedonian it felt...weird haha. And one last thing - cliches. The story has some, and at some places it even feels unoriginal. And that's about it for the bad stuff. Hope you didn't get your hopes down bout writing this, cos here comes the good stuff
OK, so despite all the flaws, i can say i enjoyed it, and i must recommend you keep writing it while trying to improve on the stuff i told you about. Really, i can tell you're a good writer in the making, you have that THING that makes a writer, you just gotta refine it a bit Also on the positive side, i found your environment description at the beginning of chapter 2 really nice, and i'm pretty sure you can do even BETTER, so use those things to your advantage. Describe moar!!! 
And that's about it, I hope you find my advices which were cleverly hidden amongst the review most helpful
Now, I've read both chapters and the first thing i noticed is - It feels rushed. All the action and everything that happens feels sort of rushed. Don't be quick to jump into a scene. Ease it up, and take it slow. It's much better that way and doesn't put too much information into the reader's head. Try having longer scenes and longer conversations, which brings me to my next point - dialogue. You need to work on it severely. All the dialogue seems unfinished, like pieces are missing, as well as rushed. Work on that as well, try to reread the dialogue and imagine the talk in your head. It might help! And try to have the characters' personality in mind when you write their dialogue. Some lines seemed like they were being said by a completely different character, so before you write the dialogue, make sure you have a solid personality for that character and you KNOW what said character would say. Next up - description. You don't really give alot of description on the characters. Other than "tall", you don't really tell the reader what those men look like. Try to use more words, and broaden your vocabulary just a bit. And also - names. Kai Macedon?! Is he meant to be Macedonian or something?! Or do you just randomly put together names like that?! It's not that it's a bad name, but when i read it, since i'm Macedonian it felt...weird haha. And one last thing - cliches. The story has some, and at some places it even feels unoriginal. And that's about it for the bad stuff. Hope you didn't get your hopes down bout writing this, cos here comes the good stuff
OK, so despite all the flaws, i can say i enjoyed it, and i must recommend you keep writing it while trying to improve on the stuff i told you about. Really, i can tell you're a good writer in the making, you have that THING that makes a writer, you just gotta refine it a bit
Also on the positive side, i found your environment description at the beginning of chapter 2 really nice, and i'm pretty sure you can do even BETTER, so use those things to your advantage. Describe moar!!! And that's about it, I hope you find my advices which were cleverly hidden amongst the review most helpful
(Apr. 19, 2011 9:24 PM)kolosos666 Wrote: Alright Bro, you asked for my review, and here it is. Lemme warn ya though, don't get your hopes up, it's not exactly positive. But PLEASE read it to the end.Seriously, this is the most positive review ive had, not meaning that its positive about the story but it actually makes me think positively about what my next steps are, i prefer constructive critisicm instead of yeh its good, or no its carp. I really found this review useful from someone who actually writes books themselves, this is the first beyblade book ive written, and to be honest this is the first story ive actually gotten past the first chapter on, i really understand what you mean though, ive slowed it down a bit in chapter 3 so far and ive added longer dialouge to the story, ive got to admit i thought i was going too fast. And about characters being unlike they were described - if they were described at all - im gonna go over the story and totally change it and make it longer other than writing on and missing out a lot. A big place i noticed i skipped loads of a dialouge was the scene in chapter 2 about the helicopter, the dialouge was rushed and the scene was out of place. I really appreciated your review and hope i can improve on this, ill call you back soon for another review to see what you think then.
Now, I've read both chapters and the first thing i noticed is - It feels rushed. All the action and everything that happens feels sort of rushed. Don't be quick to jump into a scene. Ease it up, and take it slow. It's much better that way and doesn't put too much information into the reader's head. Try having longer scenes and longer conversations, which brings me to my next point - dialogue. You need to work on it severely. All the dialogue seems unfinished, like pieces are missing, as well as rushed. Work on that as well, try to reread the dialogue and imagine the talk in your head. It might help! And try to have the characters' personality in mind when you write their dialogue. Some lines seemed like they were being said by a completely different character, so before you write the dialogue, make sure you have a solid personality for that character and you KNOW what said character would say. Next up - description. You don't really give alot of description on the characters. Other than "tall", you don't really tell the reader what those men look like. Try to use more words, and broaden your vocabulary just a bit. And also - names. Kai Macedon?! Is he meant to be Macedonian or something?! Or do you just randomly put together names like that?! It's not that it's a bad name, but when i read it, since i'm Macedonian it felt...weird haha. And one last thing - cliches. The story has some, and at some places it even feels unoriginal. And that's about it for the bad stuff. Hope you didn't get your hopes down bout writing this, cos here comes the good stuff
OK, so despite all the flaws, i can say i enjoyed it, and i must recommend you keep writing it while trying to improve on the stuff i told you about. Really, i can tell you're a good writer in the making, you have that THING that makes a writer, you just gotta refine it a bit
And that's about it, I hope you find my advices which were cleverly hidden amongst the review most helpful
I'm glad i was helpful! But seriously, keep on writing this, i see great potential! And i'll most definitively keep reading every following chapter and review it, whether you'd like it or not
when my character come out?
I can't wait XDXD
I can't wait XDXD
I hope my character out in chapter 3
oh great story!!!
oh you need custom!?
I will i will
Name - Llednar Stem
Age - 11
Birthday - 26 January 2000
Gender -Male
Hair Colour -Black
Clothing -A Red Cloth and White Scarf
Eye Colour -Black-Brown
Blade 1 -Earth Omega 130CS
Blade 2 (NOT NEEDED) -Basalt Omega R145CS
Blade Type/Types -Ultimate Defence
Special Attacks -Zero Recoil,Omega Blast
Allignment (Good or Bad) -Bad(in 1 chapter) to Good
Friend or Foe (Of Tyler) -Foe
Description:
Llednar is Lonely Child, He dont trust Anyone, the one he trust is himself
He receive Omega from mysterius man that gave him Omega
Why is Omega Ultimate defence?
because CS and Zero Recoil from Earth
What is Omega?
Omega dubbed "the devil Reploid" or "the ultimate Reploid", is a massive Reploid created during the ending period of the Elf Wars.
Face Bolt Image:
http://yourimg.in/m/8wz06s5.jpg
oh you need custom!?
I will i will
Name - Llednar Stem
Age - 11
Birthday - 26 January 2000
Gender -Male
Hair Colour -Black
Clothing -A Red Cloth and White Scarf
Eye Colour -Black-Brown
Blade 1 -Earth Omega 130CS
Blade 2 (NOT NEEDED) -Basalt Omega R145CS
Blade Type/Types -Ultimate Defence
Special Attacks -Zero Recoil,Omega Blast
Allignment (Good or Bad) -Bad(in 1 chapter) to Good
Friend or Foe (Of Tyler) -Foe
Description:
Llednar is Lonely Child, He dont trust Anyone, the one he trust is himself
He receive Omega from mysterius man that gave him Omega
Why is Omega Ultimate defence?
because CS and Zero Recoil from Earth
What is Omega?
Omega dubbed "the devil Reploid" or "the ultimate Reploid", is a massive Reploid created during the ending period of the Elf Wars.
Face Bolt Image:
http://yourimg.in/m/8wz06s5.jpg
Name -Andrew Rogami
Age -12
Gender -Male
Hair Colour -Light Brown
Clothing -Light Blue hoodie,black jeans and black fingerless gloves
Eye Colour -Blue
Blade 1 -Basalt Libra ED145EWD
Blade 2 (NOT NEEDED) -Libra S130MB
Blade Type/Types -Defense(both)
Special Attacks -(Both) Sonic Tornado Wall (like lion gale force wall but all green energy)
Allignment (Good or Bad) - Good
Friend or Foe (Of Tyler) -Friend
Description:Andrew being so young is very fun-loving. He always trys to make a random or funny joke. Andrew isnt really into fame or fourtune. He blades for the fun of it. He obtained his bey from his father which he got from his father and so from its first owner.
Age -12
Gender -Male
Hair Colour -Light Brown
Clothing -Light Blue hoodie,black jeans and black fingerless gloves
Eye Colour -Blue
Blade 1 -Basalt Libra ED145EWD
Blade 2 (NOT NEEDED) -Libra S130MB
Blade Type/Types -Defense(both)
Special Attacks -(Both) Sonic Tornado Wall (like lion gale force wall but all green energy)
Allignment (Good or Bad) - Good
Friend or Foe (Of Tyler) -Friend
Description:Andrew being so young is very fun-loving. He always trys to make a random or funny joke. Andrew isnt really into fame or fourtune. He blades for the fun of it. He obtained his bey from his father which he got from his father and so from its first owner.
![[Image: TwistidBladersig.png]](https://i796.photobucket.com/albums/yy246/christopherlim/TwistidBladersig.png)
Nice story. Here's a request:
Name: The Darkness
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Hair Color: Black with Silver/Blue streak
Clothes: Black hat, black shirt, black jacket, black jeans, black socks and black shoes
Eye Color: Black
Blade: Armageddon Vulcepa TA145XLF (Left Spin)
Vulcepa Face: A fox shooting fire out of its mouth.
Vulcepa CW: Circular with metal spikes at the edges. (Black colored)
Armageddon MW: Two upper attack wings with rubber spikes in between. (Black painted)
Triple-Attacker 145 Track: Three wings, similar to UW145.
Extreme Left Flat: Wider ver. of LF.
Beyblade Type: Attack
Dark Move: Flame Tornado Destruction: Vulcepa creates a small flame tornado around itself until it suddenly erupts, knocking out and burning the other beyblade.
Ultimate Dark Move: Armageddon Ultimate Destruction Triple Ball of Fire Attack (last resort): Vulcepa and The Darkness get possessed by a dark aura while the Vulcepa beast comes out. The Vulcepa beast is a enormous, flaming fox. On command, three balls of fire come out of the Vulcepa beast's mouth and before impact, the three merge into one, powerful, gigantic ball that destroys everything within ten miles (besides The Darkness and Vulcepa of course).
Alignment: Bad
Friend or Foe (of Tyler): Foe
Description: Mysterious, evil and creepy. Obsessed with black. Grew up with a happy childhood until his parents both died and he became obsessed with being evil and destroying everything and everyone.
Name: The Darkness
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Hair Color: Black with Silver/Blue streak
Clothes: Black hat, black shirt, black jacket, black jeans, black socks and black shoes
Eye Color: Black
Blade: Armageddon Vulcepa TA145XLF (Left Spin)
Vulcepa Face: A fox shooting fire out of its mouth.
Vulcepa CW: Circular with metal spikes at the edges. (Black colored)
Armageddon MW: Two upper attack wings with rubber spikes in between. (Black painted)
Triple-Attacker 145 Track: Three wings, similar to UW145.
Extreme Left Flat: Wider ver. of LF.
Beyblade Type: Attack
Dark Move: Flame Tornado Destruction: Vulcepa creates a small flame tornado around itself until it suddenly erupts, knocking out and burning the other beyblade.
Ultimate Dark Move: Armageddon Ultimate Destruction Triple Ball of Fire Attack (last resort): Vulcepa and The Darkness get possessed by a dark aura while the Vulcepa beast comes out. The Vulcepa beast is a enormous, flaming fox. On command, three balls of fire come out of the Vulcepa beast's mouth and before impact, the three merge into one, powerful, gigantic ball that destroys everything within ten miles (besides The Darkness and Vulcepa of course).
Alignment: Bad
Friend or Foe (of Tyler): Foe
Description: Mysterious, evil and creepy. Obsessed with black. Grew up with a happy childhood until his parents both died and he became obsessed with being evil and destroying everything and everyone.
![[Image: horunglumxsig.png]](https://i1235.photobucket.com/albums/ff438/prakhar1004/horunglumxsig.png)
-thx to bladeruler!
Wow, im really not sure when chapter 3 will be up 
been busy, i have written some of it, like 1 Microsoft Word page on size 16 font, but ill try and get it up asap, and thanks for the CHAR requests, i now dont need any Character requests so please dont post them unless i say i need more.
been busy, i have written some of it, like 1 Microsoft Word page on size 16 font, but ill try and get it up asap, and thanks for the CHAR requests, i now dont need any Character requests so please dont post them unless i say i need more.
(Apr. 19, 2011 8:43 AM)TheBlayder Wrote: haha, you guys rock. guess what ive got here? chapter 2!
Chapter 2 – A New Beginning
[insert story here]
Hmm....I like what I see, so here's a few small tips:
*Take your time. Pace yourself, try not to rush the chapters. Although it may seem as your writing that you're taking your time and explaining things, most likely you may not be, as while it takes a while to write a story, it takes half as much time to read it. Readers will be happy to see you explain things. The best sense to trigger memories is smell, so if you want readers to connect with a certain part of your story, be sure to include smell.
*Find a perfect medium-as in don't spend too much time describing something at one time. If it's a character, don't feel pushed to write down everything the person wanted you to write about him at one time. Say only what you notice about him at one glance, but after that, throughout your entire story, slowly add details here and there. But also, DO NOT use too little description. At least include one or two things. What I mean is, find your perfect medium of action, drama, humor, suspense, and description. That's how writers are successful.
*Elements Similes, metaphors, personification, oxymorons...these things can really pump up your story content. Which one sounds better:
1. The blue man was tall
2. The navy blue man stood, tall as a skyscraper, as if his head were in the clouds.
Try to incorporate these things when possible.
Take from this whatever you want. Also, if you'd like, I can give you a character.
![[Image: eminemsignew.png]](https://i1121.photobucket.com/albums/l505/spartandranzer/eminemsignew.png)
(May. 14, 2011 1:25 AM)Sparta Wrote:(Apr. 19, 2011 8:43 AM)TheBlayder Wrote: haha, you guys rock. guess what ive got here? chapter 2!
Chapter 2 – A New Beginning
[insert story here]
Hmm....I like what I see, so here's a few small tips:
*Take your time. Pace yourself, try not to rush the chapters. Although it may seem as your writing that you're taking your time and explaining things, most likely you may not be, as while it takes a while to write a story, it takes half as much time to read it. Readers will be happy to see you explain things. The best sense to trigger memories is smell, so if you want readers to connect with a certain part of your story, be sure to include smell.
*Find a perfect medium-as in don't spend too much time describing something at one time. If it's a character, don't feel pushed to write down everything the person wanted you to write about him at one time. Say only what you notice about him at one glance, but after that, throughout your entire story, slowly add details here and there. But also, DO NOT use too little description. At least include one or two things. What I mean is, find your perfect medium of action, drama, humor, suspense, and description. That's how writers are successful.
*Elements Similes, metaphors, personification, oxymorons...these things can really pump up your story content. Which one sounds better:
1. The blue man was tall
2. The navy blue man stood, tall as a skyscraper, as if his head were in the clouds.
Try to incorporate these things when possible.
Take from this whatever you want. Also, if you'd like, I can give you a character.
Hey thanks for this, im trying to medium out the character descriptions, but add more content to chapters, ive been told by people that my story contains really only battle scenes, so in chapter 3 ive tried to even it out a bit with some humour and conversation. What i did a little while ago was revamp the story, so ive added extra descriptions, changed the grammar and lots more, i might try to write chapter 3 now as im not too busy, and its been like nearly a months wait.
(May. 14, 2011 8:45 AM)TheBlayder Wrote:(May. 14, 2011 1:25 AM)Sparta Wrote:(Apr. 19, 2011 8:43 AM)TheBlayder Wrote: haha, you guys rock. guess what ive got here? chapter 2!
Chapter 2 – A New Beginning
[insert story here]
Hmm....I like what I see, so here's a few small tips:
*Take your time. Pace yourself, try not to rush the chapters. Although it may seem as your writing that you're taking your time and explaining things, most likely you may not be, as while it takes a while to write a story, it takes half as much time to read it. Readers will be happy to see you explain things. The best sense to trigger memories is smell, so if you want readers to connect with a certain part of your story, be sure to include smell.
*Find a perfect medium-as in don't spend too much time describing something at one time. If it's a character, don't feel pushed to write down everything the person wanted you to write about him at one time. Say only what you notice about him at one glance, but after that, throughout your entire story, slowly add details here and there. But also, DO NOT use too little description. At least include one or two things. What I mean is, find your perfect medium of action, drama, humor, suspense, and description. That's how writers are successful.
*Elements Similes, metaphors, personification, oxymorons...these things can really pump up your story content. Which one sounds better:
1. The blue man was tall
2. The navy blue man stood, tall as a skyscraper, as if his head were in the clouds.
Try to incorporate these things when possible.
Take from this whatever you want. Also, if you'd like, I can give you a character.
Hey thanks for this, im trying to medium out the character descriptions, but add more content to chapters, ive been told by people that my story contains really only battle scenes, so in chapter 3 ive tried to even it out a bit with some humour and conversation. What i did a little while ago was revamp the story, so ive added extra descriptions, changed the grammar and lots more, i might try to write chapter 3 now as im not too busy, and its been like nearly a months wait.
Ok, cool. Sounds good. Please update soon, I'd like to see what you can do to improve this next chapter.
When's the next chapter?
wow this is an awesome story loved it as i read it for the first time
![[Image: my-1st-animated-sig.gif]](https://i1235.photobucket.com/albums/ff438/prakhar1004/my-1st-animated-sig.gif)
![[Image: zui2a9.png]](https://i56.tinypic.com/zui2a9.png)
Great story. One of the best i've seen by far. Finally someone has put a bit more depth and more thought in their story. Good job!
![[Image: izUeN.png]](https://i.imgur.com/izUeN.png)
Hi guys, i have been to america for a few months with family, and havent had any internet so i am going to continue this story soon with my chapter 3, hopefully you guys will like it.
welcome back man, can't wait for the new chapter ^^
I have a character request(s),
Red Crimson,
bey: shot starblaze
move: super explode ( hair spikes up and turns red then bey blows up enemy while bey turns red )
hair color: silver with red fire-shaped birthmark
clothes and launcher color: red
Blue Azure,
bey: shot starflood
move: super tsunami ( hair spike up and turns blue then a tsunami washes away enemy while bey turns blue )
hair color:silver with a blue teardrop-shaped birthmark
clothes and launcher color: blue
Red Crimson,
bey: shot starblaze
move: super explode ( hair spikes up and turns red then bey blows up enemy while bey turns red )
hair color: silver with red fire-shaped birthmark
clothes and launcher color: red
Blue Azure,
bey: shot starflood
move: super tsunami ( hair spike up and turns blue then a tsunami washes away enemy while bey turns blue )
hair color:silver with a blue teardrop-shaped birthmark
clothes and launcher color: blue
(Oct. 10, 2011 9:44 PM)Soopah Wrote: welcome back man, can't wait for the new chapter ^^
Thanks mate
(Oct. 10, 2011 10:05 PM)bbamsuv Wrote: I have a character request(s),
Red Crimson,
bey: shot starblaze
move: super explode ( hair spikes up and turns red then bey blows up enemy while bey turns red )
hair color: silver with red fire-shaped birthmark
clothes and launcher color: red
Blue Azure,
bey: shot starflood
move: super tsunami ( hair spike up and turns blue then a tsunami washes away enemy while bey turns blue )
hair color:silver with a blue teardrop-shaped birthmark
clothes and launcher color: blue
Thanks for that, a lot of red and blue references.
(Oct. 11, 2011 6:05 PM)TheBlayder Wrote:(Oct. 10, 2011 9:44 PM)Soopah Wrote: welcome back man, can't wait for the new chapter ^^
Thanks mate
(Oct. 10, 2011 10:05 PM)bbamsuv Wrote: I have a character request(s),
Red Crimson,
bey: shot starblaze
move: super explode ( hair spikes up and turns red then bey blows up enemy while bey turns red )
hair color: silver with red fire-shaped birthmark
clothes and launcher color: red
Blue Azure,
bey: shot starflood
move: super tsunami ( hair spike up and turns blue then a tsunami washes away enemy while bey turns blue )
hair color:silver with a blue teardrop-shaped birthmark
clothes and launcher color: blue
Thanks for that, a lot of red and blue references.
well, I do take pride for creating Red and Blue, so thank you very much
