World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

ANOTHER story i made(i cant think of a title)

Poll: do you like my story?

definitely
53.85%
7
maybe
23.08%
3
*get's shotgun*STOP WRITING
23.08%
3
Total: 100% 13 vote(s)
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May. 24, 2011  6:27 PM
 
your story is quite interesting, i enjoyed reading it. hope u don't mind if i comment this but u need to improve on your details in mentioning the things that occurred and make it more interesting , and also the writing style. what i can say from your writing style is that you are still searching for your true self in writing. nonetheless, good effort. i like it. can't wait for the next chapter, keep on the good work there. i like it very much.

suggestion tittle: defender of beyblade....simple...

character: zackyra, zedioralisa...these are names that i often used in my writing...quite cool to...
May. 25, 2011  6:11 AM
 
(May. 24, 2011  6:27 PM)peace Wrote: your story is quite interesting, i enjoyed reading it. hope u don't mind if i comment this but u need to improve on your details in mentioning the things that occurred and make it more interesting , and also the writing style. what i can say from your writing style is that you are still searching for your true self in writing. nonetheless, good effort. i like it. can't wait for the next chapter, keep on the good work there. i like it very much.

suggestion tittle: defender of beyblade....simple...

character: zackyra, zedioralisa...these are names that i often used in my writing...quite cool to...

thank very much!I may use one of those names......
May. 25, 2011  6:18 AM
 
your welcome, when is the next episode will come out? can't wait to read it...
May. 25, 2011  3:34 PM
 
-----chapter 6-----
*another day, another danger*


"my name is Zack, Zack Vien" said Zack. "hello, Zack! My name is Axel, and this is Pega, my partner bey" said Axel. "wait... Partner bey? You mean you are part of the dark organization?" asked Zack. "well, No. You see, we are a AGAINST them" replied Axel. "wait..... Where is my bey? Where is Aquila?" asked Zack. "I'm sorry... But the darkness was to great to destroy" said Pega. "no..." said Zack shamefully.


The next day, Axel and Pega decided to go to the park, because lots of experience bladers are there and Axel want's to battle them. "remember, we cannot show them our special move, It's to risky. Besides, they are just normal kids" said Pega. Then, all of a sudden, both of them heard a loud boom. "it sounds like it came from the park, let's go see what's that. I got a bad feeling about this....." said Axel "urkk!!" screamed Pega in pain. "you okay? It seems like you were stabbed..."asked Axel. "no worries, I'm okay. let's get to the park" said Pega


When they reached the park, they were surprised. lot's of bladers were lying down on the floor with pain, and there only one bey spinning in the middle. "wh-what just happen here?!" said Axel. A girl walked near the bey and picked it up. "such weaklings....they can't even withstand the might of my scorpio!" said the girl. "hey you! what did you just do to them?!" shouted Axel, as he places Pega in his launcher.
"hmph! what do you care? you want to be like them, ah? then i'll give what you wish!" shouted the girl, while she places her bey at her launcher.

to be continued.....
May. 25, 2011  3:42 PM
 
nicely done man, a lot of improvement. i really love this story. the plot, the action, how you express the pain that pega suffer i also felt that. it is like you has found your soul in this story man. can't wait for the next episode. some of the name that i often used in my story also include dr black, knight of the dark, rain the dark ninja, and also kalei(pronounce as ka-la-e)..just stated the names if u want to used it in your writing.

nicely done man. i love this, it's getting better and better.
can't wait for the next episode
May. 25, 2011  4:08 PM
 
thanks.about the pega screaming in pain.....it wasnt suppose to be in there.i ''wrote it'' when i felt i terrible pain in my kidney....
May. 25, 2011  4:16 PM
 
(May. 25, 2011  4:08 PM)quetzacoatl Wrote: thanks.about the pega screaming in pain.....it wasnt suppose to be in there.i ''wrote it'' when i felt i terrible pain in my kidney....

no wonder i felt like i feel it to, it's feel like real, just like you give the life to the sentences. one of my teacher taught me that if you want to write a good story, you need to be the story, the character and feel the action. that is how i learn to describe in details in my story. i don't usually do story but i do poetry. it is still the same though.
May. 25, 2011  4:52 PM
 
woah.are we brother's or something?

anyways, just going to share Axel's character Bio:


name: Axel Dean
Bey: Tornado Pegasis III TH170WD
personality: at first, he love's to play videogame,and thinks beyblade are" a lame excuse for a toy", but that all changed when he met pega,his bey that he must protect.
what those he look like?(i use tektek.org for this):
[Image: tekaed1532.png]

special move: Hurricane gust(bey creates a powerful hurricane powerful enough to defend,or to counter the other bey's attack)

as for Zack,well,im not that lazy,but im looking for a good" style" for him. probably i should draw him.....
May. 25, 2011  5:02 PM
 
(May. 25, 2011  4:52 PM)quetzacoatl Wrote: woah.are we brother's or something?

anyways, just going to share Axel's character Bio:


name: Axel Dean
Bey: Tornado Pegasis III TH170WD
personality: at first, he love's to play videogame,and thinks beyblade are" a lame excuse for a toy", but that all changed when he met pega,his bey that he must protect.
what those he look like?(i use tektek.org for this):
[Image: tekaed1532.png]

special move: Hurricane gust(bey creates a powerful hurricane powerful enough to defend,or to counter the other bey's attack)

as for Zack,well,im not that lazy,but im looking for a good" style" for him. probably i should draw him.....

wow, i'm amazed by your creativity. somehow i think that the character more or less like me coz before this i think this beyblade is just a toy but now, i'm totally into beyblade and stuff, but still learning though. hope that when i join this wbo i can get more imfo about beyblade and collecting them(i'm more to the looks of the bey rather than the attribute)
May. 25, 2011  5:32 PM
 
errr,i'm always bored i dont know why.man,i'll just continue the story
-----chapter 7-----
*the unexpected*


"3,2,1,GO SHOOT!"
Both bey clashed in the middle. "go, Pega!" shouted Axel. Pega hits scorpio with tremendous force, but it still stood still. "arghhhh! t-the p-pain!" screamed Pega. "Pega! what's going on?!" worried Axel. "this is weird, i never heard that kind of scream before...." said the girl in her mind. "now Pega! Hurricane gust!" shouted Axel, but nothing happened. "what!? Pega, what's wrong?" worried Axel even more.


Pega was screaming like he got stabbed in the heart. "err, if i don't do something, Pega will get even hurt, but what is the cause of this? he wasn't like that until we reached the par-. hold on a sec" said Axel. He looked at the surrounding, he saw some web-like structures around and hidden among the tree's. " something ain't right... Pega! be careful!" shouted Axel. "I got a bad feeling about this...." said Pega while trying to knock-out scorpio.


then, all of a sudden, tons of webs sprouted out of nowhere and trapped Axel. "wh-what?!" screamed Axel. "those webs.... oh no he isn't here..." said the girl. then someone out of nowhere appeared. He was a slim man, with dark hair and wears a dark coat. "arghh! n-no-now I kno-know why is this happening to me..... Victor!" shouted Pega.

i really suck at story battles :\
also,peace,i can make a Lego spacecraft in just two minutes....not to brag and all Smile
May. 25, 2011  5:45 PM
 
(May. 25, 2011  5:32 PM)quetzacoatl Wrote: errr,i'm always bored i dont know why.man,i'll just continue the story
-----chapter 7-----
*the unexpected*


"3,2,1,GO SHOOT!"
Both bey clashed in the middle. "go, Pega!" shouted Axel. Pega hits scorpio with tremendous force, but it still stood still. "arghhhh! t-the p-pain!" screamed Pega. "Pega! what's going on?!" worried Axel. "this is weird, i never heard that kind of scream before...." said the girl in her mind. "now Pega! Hurricane gust!" shouted Axel, but nothing happened. "what!? Pega, what's wrong?" worried Axel even more.


Pega was screaming like he got stabbed in the heart. "err, if i don't do something, Pega will get even hurt, but what is the cause of this? he wasn't like that until we reached the par-. hold on a sec" said Axel. He looked at the surrounding, he saw some web-like structures around and hidden among the tree's. " something ain't right... Pega! be careful!" shouted Axel. "I got a bad feeling about this...." said Pega while trying to knock-out scorpio.


then, all of a sudden, tons of webs sprouted out of nowhere and trapped Axel. "wh-what?!" screamed Axel. "those webs.... oh no he isn't here..." said the girl. then someone out of nowhere appeared. He was a slim man, with dark hair and wears a dark coat. "arghh! n-no-now I kno-know why is this happening to me..... Victor!" shouted Pega.

i really suck at story battles :\
also,peace,i can make a Lego spacecraft in just two minutes....not to brag and all Smile
comment, you need to improve in giving the details of the battle such as " pega attack scorpio with tremendous force but scorpio did not take any scratch from the it is like the attack is being absorbed."
if you add certain details about the battle on how the battle turn out, like keeping an update on a football/soccer game. it's like that. by adding some details towards it you can make the story more interesting

other than that your story is interesting. you followed the plot well. keep it up
wow, you really does have a good imagination and creativity. let your imagination runs wild. you can create great stories with great imagination.

love the story.Eee
May. 26, 2011  6:03 AM
 
-----chapter 8-----
*the webs of memories, Part 1*


"I can't get out! Pega!" shouted Axel. "it's a pity that you pick that boy.... you know that he is just a mere child" said Victor. "my heart knows the light of this boy! i'll never let you hurt him!" shouted Pega. "hmph. Alice, finish him" said Victor. "yes sir! Scorpio! venom strike!" shouted Alice. "not when i say so! go, Aquila!" shouted Zack.


"Z-ZACK?! what are you doing here?!" shouted Axel. "I think you'll need my help. besides, your stuck on Spider's web" said Zack. Aquila rushed over and clashes with Scorpio. "wait, I know I toasted you with that light! how were you able to be alive?!" asked Pega. "simple: when Zack release every darkness within him, i was "reborn" and he took me as his guardian" replied Aquila, knocking over Scorpio. "err, it seems Zack betrayed us. we have to retreat" said Victor. "yes sir!" said Alice, while picking up her Scorpio. "this isn't over, Aquila! I'll get my revenge!" shouted Scorpio.

"so, Zack, You feeling ok?" asked Axel. "yeah. it seems i'm actually stronger now" replied Zack, while removing the webs that trapped Axel. "Pega, are you alright?" said Aquila. " arghhh! the pain...i-it w-wont j-just stop!" screamed Pega with pain. "we better take him to my home, maybe its for the best" suggested Axel.

comment,suggest,rate!
May. 26, 2011  6:09 AM
 
your story about the battle is kinda dull. overall, good just need some improvise on the battle, nice though..about you always felt boring, you can pm me about anything. i will reply. if you some additional things be added, just pm or email me. Eee
May. 26, 2011  6:14 AM
 
i told you, im never good at story battles
May. 26, 2011  6:18 AM
 
don't worry, try to add something to the battle on the future. just playing with words that'll be interesting when combining with your story. gambatte.!(means good luck i think)
May. 26, 2011  1:46 PM
 
-----chapter 8-----
*the webs of memories, final part*


"urkkk!" screamed Pega with pain. "what do you think is the problem? I saw those webs outside of the park, but it didn't affect it while spinning" worried Axel. "it's weird. Are you sure that nothing happened before you get to the park?" asked Zack. "hmmm, Let' see: we both took a bath, then we got out of the house, then we went to the park. then that's when Pega screamed with pain" replied Axel.


that day, Axel worried so much that he didn't let Pega alone in the bed. "you're gonna be okay, buddy. just hang-out tight" said Axel. "d-don't wo-worry abo-about m-me. I'm g-gonna b-be fine" said Pega with pain. "if I only know what's going on...." said Axel. "if i were you, You better ask Zack. he knows what is the dark organization planning to do" said Aquila.


later, Axel went to the roof of his house, seeing Zack looking at the stars. "hey Zack" said Axel, sitting beside Zack. "yeah?" replied Zack. "I was thinking, what those the organization planning to do?" asked Axel. "if I remember correctly, we were tasked to collect beyblade around the world" said Zack. "for what?" asked Axel. "I don't know... I was only tasked to get Pega and collect it's heart. that's it" said Zack

at the other side of the world, a castle stood. it was medieval looking castle, with large gates, watch towers, and even cannons. "VICTOR!! why have you fail me?!" groaned a Man. "I'm so sorry master, its just Zack betrayed us" replied Victor. "give me the boy's head when you get back here, Including his bey!" shouted the man." y-yes s-sir" replied Victor

to be continued.....
comment,suggest,rate!
May. 27, 2011  11:54 AM
 
-----chapter 9-----
*when something happen*


Axel can't sleep, cause He was to worried about Pega. "go to sleep, Axel. I'm gonna be fine...." said Pega. "I can't just sleep.... I'm just to worried about you...." replied Axel. "don't worry about me. get some sleep then will go to were Zack told us... okay?" said Pega. "yeah... probably he's right.... night!" said Axel. "night...." said Pega


the next day, Axel and Zack went to the bey lab, which is a odd place because it looks like a factory, with very big tubes, a mechanical robot bringing some toxic material. "wow Zack, this really looks like a cottage home..." said Axel jokingly. "well at least it doesn't look like a dumpster for toxic material" said Zack. "look there" said Axel, pointing at some robots throwing toxic material. "hehehe....he?" said Zack. "let's just get in!" suggested Axel.

the Inside was different. white shiny floors, not even a speck of dirt in it. a robot that carries a box full of gadgets, even the air isn't too dense than the outside" said Axel.
"oh! look do you have here! it's Zack and....?". "Axel" corrected Axel. "oh yes, And Axel here to do something...." said the man. "were here to fix up his bey.... and don't worry, he isn't with the dark organization..... and me" said Zack. "oh... what happen?" asked the man. "it really doesn't ,matter.... can you just fix up his bey?" said Zack. "very well then, let's take a look on it" said the man.

Axel gave his bey to the man. "thank you! now, Karine? can I please have my goggles?" asked the man. then a robot appeared. "here you go, sir!" said the robot in a girlish tune. "thank you, lets begin!" said the man. he took Pega in his work desk, bringing out hi instruments. "before we begin, what do you feel, Pega" asked the man. "wait... how did you know my name?!?" said Pega. "that's because.... I carry one... its name is Libra" the man said, while showing libra. "I sense something, doctor, he doesn't look so good" said libra. "okay, lets see what's under the hood....." said the man.

to be continued....
also, I am writing a new story as we speak, it will be about.... wait a sec, why am i telling you this?
May. 27, 2011  12:37 PM
 
"urkkk!" screamed Pega with pain. "what do you think is the problem? I saw those webs outside of the park, but it didn't affect it while spinning" worried Axel. "it's weird. Are you sure that nothing happened before you get to the park?" asked Zack. "hmmm, Let' see: we both took a bath, then we got out of the house, then we went to the park. then that's when Pega screamed with pain" replied Axel.

i love this part, good explaining and very brief detail but big impact. it was like a eal man talking. nicely done.


the next day, Axel and Zack went to the bey lab, which is a odd place because it looks like a factory, with very big tubes, a mechanical robot bringing some toxic material. "wow Zack, this really looks like a cottage home..." said Axel jokingly. "well at least it doesn't look like a dumpster for toxic material" said Zack. "look there" said Axel, pointing at some robots throwing toxic material. "hehehe....he?" said Zack. "let's just get in!" suggested Axel.

this is also feat one. You add in some humor on the story. It makes the story more fun to read. not so dull.


Axel gave his bey to the man. "thank you! now, Karine? can I please have my goggles?" asked the man. then a robot appeared. "here you go, sir!" said the robot in a girlish tune. "thank you, lets begin!" said the man. he took Pega in his work desk, bringing out hi instruments. "before we begin, what do you feel, Pega" asked the man. "wait... how did you know my name?!?" said Pega. "that's because.... I carry one... its name is Libra" the man said, while showing libra. "I sense something, doctor, he doesn't look so good" said libra. "okay, lets see what's under the hood....." said the man.

you could at least make some suspense to the line such as

"how did you know my name?"asked pega
"hahahah"the man laugh hysterically."i'm one of the dark organization's man. hahahah"
"no he's not. he's a friend of mine. he's also one of us who possess bey like us."said zack
"hahahah. the name's libra."he laugh again while showing libra.

something like that. try too add some good element such as suspense, humor and many more. i like your story man. i don't usually read bey type of story(unless i'm bored). keep on the good work. you got a fine masterpiece there.(thumbs up)XD
May. 27, 2011  12:52 PM
 
thanks dude! I'm making a new story as i speak,well, its not about beyblades anyway....its about- hold on a sec, im doing it again!
May. 27, 2011  1:02 PM
 
(May. 27, 2011  12:52 PM)quetzacoatl Wrote: thanks dude! I'm making a new story as i speak,well, its not about beyblades anyway....its about- hold on a sec, im doing it again!

hey, you're making me anxious. pm me about the story. maybe we can collaborate and produce the greatest story ever made. hehehehXD
May. 27, 2011  1:05 PM
 
wow nice chapters dude keep it up but when u will gonna give it a title
May. 27, 2011  1:08 PM
 
i am deciding on what title can i give it. its for protecting a bey, so i think it will be something.....arghh, give me more time
May. 27, 2011  5:12 PM
 
(May. 27, 2011  1:08 PM)quetzacoatl Wrote: i am deciding on what title can i give it. its for protecting a bey, so i think it will be something.....arghh, give me more time

how about the beyblade templar?
May. 27, 2011  5:35 PM
 
(May. 27, 2011  5:12 PM)peace Wrote:
(May. 27, 2011  1:08 PM)quetzacoatl Wrote: i am deciding on what title can i give it. its for protecting a bey, so i think it will be something.....arghh, give me more time

how about the beyblade templar?

sorry to ask this.... but what is a templar? LOL
May. 27, 2011  5:59 PM
 
(May. 27, 2011  5:35 PM)quetzacoatl Wrote:
(May. 27, 2011  5:12 PM)peace Wrote:
(May. 27, 2011  1:08 PM)quetzacoatl Wrote: i am deciding on what title can i give it. its for protecting a bey, so i think it will be something.....arghh, give me more time

how about the beyblade templar?

sorry to ask this.... but what is a templar? LOL

if i'm not mistaken, templar are the ancient soldier, highly skilled combatants that arise from the crusades. actually the real name is knights templar or known as templar. they are highly skilled in different categories. some act as military force and some works to improve the standard of living of the citizens such as financial perspective. but in your context, the beyblade templar is a highly skilled beybladers that emerged from the ashes of destruction of evil to counter it and makes the world a better place for beybladers to live and battle in peace. XD
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