BALEETED

It was really mediocre. And what the hell kind of HS has a swing set?

It's not set at a highschool. Just a local park.

I guess if you want to set a vibe to it while reading it, think of how Wes Anderson or Shymalan sets his dialogue. I really dig their work and probably inadvertantly take influence from there.

But being a working "rough" first draft I'm not so much interested in a "its awsum!' or "it sux!" i'm more interested in a: "Here's where you can improve...here's what you should do.."

I guess for clarification sake: No ages are ever specified during the actual writing. I used highschool as a reference.

I wanted the dialogue to be awkward and almost overly dramatic.

Well, you've definitely got the melodrama down pat.

Honestly, I'm with Ann on this one. The characters you're trying to portray and the setting you have placed them in don't match. I'll be honest, until I read the paragraph you wrote at the end of the script explaining that this couple is in High School, I thought we were dealing with Junior High-aged kids.

Obviously kids in Junior High aren't as well spoken as the characters in your script are, so I found that to be a little contradictory. Their behaviors and setting really don't match the words that are coming out of their mouths.

Really, and I hate to be this down on anybody who's trying to create, but the whole thing is just really melodramatic. The dialog, the camera angles, etc. are all, for lack of a better word, "emo". I understand you were kind of shooting for that, but I think you went a little too over the top with it.

I don't think what you're trying to do with the story is fleshed out all the way in the script. I found myself asking a lot of questions: Why are they breaking up? How long have they been together? What causes the boys sudden change of attitude?

So there you have it. Just some little things to work on. lol

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I don't mind at all if people carp on the script right now. That's why it's still the rough first draft. I'm going to iron out as much as I can. And honestly I'd rather everyone tell me a thousand bad things about it than a few good things. I can fix the bad things. In any event I do appreciate the advice and when I get it worked on a bit more than I will modify and keep modifying til I have something worth working with. But thanks again guys

And I'm going to respond to Roan, I am not defending my work and saying you are wrong or anything, but I'm going to let you know what I was going for.

As far as being given so little information, that was intentional. I've always been a fan of "the less you know, the bigger the impact". In a way I wanted it to be an amalgam of every cliche about a highschool relationship. Two kids get together, there's gossip, and they break up often times for no particular reason (other than it's what kids do).

The male lead is shown at the beginning enjoying the park with his girlfriend and in that youthful act he is able to forget about how much he doesn't love his girlfriend. but at the pause when they aren't playing or being young he realizes that yeah, he actually has to break up with her.

So if that answers your questions at all than I hope that helps. I realize this is sort of cheating, being that I am telling everything. But these are my goals for the script and maybe knowing that you guys can help me work to a better finished product.

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I for one thought it accomplished what you said it was supposed to in the final paragraph. Good job.

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Gonna have to go with Roan and Anne. I was laughing at the dialogue the whole way through, it felt like a soap opera. :\