World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

A Evil Plan Rises (a beyblade story) (accepting characters!)

Poll: How do you like my story

Awesome
33.33%
5
Good
40.00%
6
ok
6.67%
1
Bad
6.67%
1
Horrible
13.33%
2
Total: 100% 15 vote(s)
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  • Show Results
Feb. 10, 2011  4:17 PM
 
Bam! as the huge explosion finished and the dust cleared, The announcer announced, "Thomas And his Rock Orso is the winner!" "Yeah!!!!!" yelled Thomas as he cheered. Thomas had just won the Blader alert tournament with his blade rock orso. The announcer said to Thomas "for getting through this tough tournament you will recieve 10 000 blader points!" Thomas happily accepted the points with a smile.
A few hours later Thomas was practicing with his friend Ben. "Have you seen that news report about all those great bladers who have been going missing?" asked Ben
"Yeah bladers have been going missing left and right" said Thomas as his Rock Orso Defeated Ben's Flame Libra. as this happend a figure with blue hair walked in.

Thomas and Ben stammerd "are you... are you......"



To Be Continued! New chapter today!

(give your feedback) (all good and constructive comments accepted)

also i need 1 charecter name

1. A smart techy kid who is good with beyblades and can fix them up easy
...
Chapter 2 will not be posted today!
Feb. 10, 2011  5:22 PM
 
It's pretty good
The kid should be named kenny
Feb. 10, 2011  11:20 PM
 
(Feb. 10, 2011  5:22 PM)Goodboygirl Wrote: The kid should be named kenny

yeah just like in V-Force and G-Revolution!or nagato!
ps awesome seriesWink
Feb. 11, 2011  12:55 PM
 
THX c-dub and goodboygirl. i will name him kenny but i wont be able to post a new chapter today.=(
Feb. 11, 2011  1:00 PM
 
Nice!
HOPE THIS HELPS!!!(you should put horribly awesome on the poll

Name:Zero
Bey: Mercury Phoenix
Look: Black jeans, grey T-shirt, black jacket, black hair(avatar).

Bey Description: the mercury wheel is Grey and is shaped like Fire in the outside and some rays near the middle in the inside. The clear wheel is Black and is a Flame. F135I(Fireblaze 135 ) is a Red 135 with 12 Flames on it . I(Indistructible) is a Phoenix feather. The facebolt is red with a Black Phoenix and Flames behind. Is a very powerfull bey, and one of the strongest. Is so strong that even Ryuga thinks he may lose and gets worried, the bey has a way to strike fear in opponents and will crush beys.

Zero description: He is a 15 year old guy. No one knows nothing about him. Is a very evil guy. Zero is very strong blader and always is blading. He found Mercury Phoenix when he was 6 years old. He was in a volcano and a giant Flame appeared in front. The volcano erupted and his family died but Phoenix saved him. He was the only one who survived. Since then he is all evil.

Special Move: Eruption Fireblaze. Flames appear in the stadium and then Mercury Phoenix Makes a giant Fireblaze . The blaze in his track get bigger.

Mirrored worldTongue_outhoenix attacks from all directions but the real one is in the air, after all hit the other bey the real bey charges down for a final attack!

He is a evil guy.


PLEASE MAKE HIM CRUSH A LOT OF BEYS!!!
Feb. 11, 2011  1:08 PM
 
That may be perfect for the villan of the story
Feb. 11, 2011  1:14 PM
 
thanx
Feb. 11, 2011  1:32 PM
 
how about this?

name:titus

bey:titanic pegasis

side:good

you can do what ever you want with it!
Feb. 11, 2011  11:03 PM
 
@cyberpegasus98 i might use him latter on
Feb. 12, 2011  1:28 AM
 
tnx!

anyway,good story!
Feb. 12, 2011  3:09 AM
 
fantastic story dude.
Feb. 12, 2011  6:33 PM
 
CHAPTER 2:

"My name is tyson" said the blue haired figure. "Bu-But I thought you went missing months ago!" Ben stammerd. "I was but i escaped during the training sesion." said Tyson. "I was captured by a guy we all call Zero his bey is Mercury Pheonix. He has been capturing great bladers from the world and training them, then using his mercury pheonix to control the bladers minds when they lose to him. Many bladers have already been captured to him. I escaped when i found a secret exit in the training room but i dont know where the base is anymore" Tyson said. "why did you come here, to us anyways?" Asked Tom. "Because I've seen you two battle And your both really strong. I need you 2 to help us defeat zero" "This is my bey Earth bull" Tyson said "Come with me" Said tyson. Ben and Thomas followed Tyson for hours, finally they arrived at a hi-tech underground base. They were greeted by two kids named Max (a yellow haird kid with his bey Earth virgo) and kenny (a brown haired kid talking to his laptop). "We come from an alternate bey universe where beys have beasts called bit beasts stored in them and the beys are plastic. Zero destroyed our bey universe when he came to our dimesion using a portal. The three of us made it it here, but nothing else except Zero did." said Tyson. "Im talking to my laptop because there is a bit beast in it. Her name is Dizzi"
Said Kenny. "Hello and welcome to the resistence!" said Dizzi "Max is in a coma because of the portal travel. we d'ont know if he will Ever wake up" said Tyson


"Welcome to the resistance" Said Tyson


To Be Continued............

New Chapter In The Next 4 Days
Feb. 12, 2011  10:56 PM
 
Great chapter!
May. 14, 2011  9:44 PM
 
(Feb. 10, 2011  4:17 PM)CyberEagle Wrote: Bam! as the huge explosion finished and the dust cleared, The announcer announced, "Thomas And his Rock Orso is the winner!" "Yeah!!!!!" yelled Thomas as he cheered. Thomas had just won the Blader alert tournament with his blade rock orso. The announcer said to Thomas "for getting through this tough tournament you will recieve 10 000 blader points!" Thomas happily accepted the points with a smile.
A few hours later Thomas was practicing with his friend Ben. "Have you seen that news report about all those great bladers who have been going missing?" asked Ben
"Yeah bladers have been going missing left and right" said Thomas as his Rock Orso Defeated Ben's Flame Libra. as this happend a figure with blue hair walked in.

Thomas and Ben stammerd "are you... are you......"



To Be Continued! New chapter today!

(give your feedback) (all good and constructive comments accepted)

also i need 1 charecter name

1. A smart techy kid who is good with beyblades and can fix them up easy
...
Chapter 2 will not be posted today!

excuse me, flame libra is way better than rock orso
May. 15, 2011  11:57 AM
 
good story dude
May. 15, 2011  5:49 PM
 
Good story, Please use my character:
Name:The Scarecrow (real name unknown)
Bey:Fear scarecrow FG145 G
Face bolt:A small scarecrow on a hill
Fear:Tiny spikes all over.
Scarecrow:Has 2 witch hats on opposite sides, the rest looks like straw.
F(ear)G(as)145:Looks like M145 only has 4 holes.
G(lide):Very smooth, wide.
He is evil
Dark moveTongue_outanic attack:Gas comes out of the holes and everyone (except the scarecrow)has a panic attack.The other bey then explodes.
He dresses like a scarecrow.

Thanks!
May. 15, 2011  7:40 PM
 
Good. it needs some BOOM ZAM KAPOW
you know something exciting to happen. it could use some description. this is all hard stuff so youre doing great
Aug. 23, 2011  7:06 AM
 
great story!
IMO it's nice to have a little cameo, but it kinda ruins it to have the whole old cast in. Uncertain Keep it up!
Aug. 23, 2011  7:43 AM
 
...You necro'd a terrible story to say it is good when it plainly is not going to be continued? Nice, dude. Very nice.
Aug. 23, 2011  9:25 AM
 
awesome story dude cant wait for the next chapter
Aug. 23, 2011  9:41 AM
 
The title caught my attention. If you're going to write, you should at least know that when you have a noun that starts with a vowel (or an "H" or a "Y" in some instances), you use "an" instead of "a". So if you haven't caught on, it should be "An Evil Plan Rises".

(Feb. 10, 2011  4:17 PM)CyberEagle Wrote: The announcer announced, .... yelled Thomas as he cheered.
These are two examples of redundancy in your story. Obviously the announcer announces things so you may want to be more diverse with your vocabulary. Yelling and cheering are the same thing, which means you can just write "cheered Thomas". No need to pull a Xzibit.
(Feb. 10, 2011  4:17 PM)CyberEagle Wrote: as this happend a figure with blue hair walked in.

Thomas and Ben stammerd "are you... are you......"
Okay, if you're using past tense verbs, it isn't just verb + d. It's "ed". So simply "happened" and "stammered". This is incredibly basic.
(Feb. 12, 2011  6:33 PM)CyberEagle Wrote: CHAPTER 2:

"My name is tyson" said the blue haired figure. "Bu-But I thought you went missing months ago!" Ben stammerd. "I was but i escaped during the training sesion." said Tyson. "I was captured by a guy we all call Zero his bey is Mercury Pheonix. He has been capturing great bladers from the world and training them, then using his mercury pheonix to control the bladers minds when they lose to him. Many bladers have already been captured to him. I escaped when i found a secret exit in the training room but i dont know where the base is anymore" Tyson said. "why did you come here, to us anyways?" Asked Tom. "Because I've seen you two battle And your both really strong. I need you 2 to help us defeat zero" "This is my bey Earth bull" Tyson said "Come with me" Said tyson. Ben and Thomas followed Tyson for hours, finally they arrived at a hi-tech underground base. They were greeted by two kids named Max (a yellow haird kid with his bey Earth virgo) and kenny (a brown haired kid talking to his laptop). "We come from an alternate bey universe where beys have beasts called bit beasts stored in them and the beys are plastic. Zero destroyed our bey universe when he came to our dimesion using a portal. The three of us made it it here, but nothing else except Zero did." said Tyson. "Im talking to my laptop because there is a bit beast in it. Her name is Dizzi"
Said Kenny. "Hello and welcome to the resistence!" said Dizzi "Max is in a coma because of the portal travel. we d'ont know if he will Ever wake up" said Tyson


"Welcome to the resistance" Said Tyson


To Be Continued............

New Chapter In The Next 4 Days
You have to use paragraphing. You do not simply lump everything into one paragraph and call it a chapter.

Also, there are absolutely no descriptions about anyone. We don't even know who they are, what they look like, or where they are.

EDIT: haaaa, I just realized this was a necro. Man, I should go to bed.