My first Beystory-Hell's Elite's are summoned {Accepting Character Requests}

Poll: How's the Story

Best story yet
0%
0
Awesome!
30.77%
4
Needs Improvement
38.46%
5
Sucks Badly
30.77%
4
Total: 100% 13 vote(s)
My first story on the WBO.So here we go.
Form for Character Request

Character Name:
Bey:
Special Moves:
Personality:
Appearance:
Gear:



Chapter 4 will come out soon.Also thanks to sonicsora123 for the spoiler.
Character Name:Andrew
Bey:Chaos Hedgehog 90LRF (The Chaos wheel looks dark but with 6 blades and is black and the hedgehog wheel is red.)
Special Moves: Chaos Control (the bey bursts with yellow energy and then the bey slows down time allowing ti to attack the other bey freely.)
Personality:Andrew is a nice guy but is very quiet and smart
Appearance:He has shaggy brown hair. He has red markings that look like kai's from the Original beyblade. He has a Black tee shirt on with the greek letter Omega on it. he has black worn out jeans, red and white sneakers and he wears black fingerless gloves and he has red eyes.
Gear:A standard black grip with a red rubber grip, a black beylauncher with red decals,beypointer and an angle compass
Name John not a copy of the other. Bey Lightning L-Drago 100RF. Personality He is good and he has skill at Bey Mechanics. Appearance He wears Blue worn out jeans a red t-shirt with L-Drago's face on it and red and white sneakers. Gear A Beyblade assembly chamber in his case A standard bblue launcher grip with a yellow Beytool a black launcher holder a red grip cover and a standard white L-Drago launcher. His case also has many Facebolts, Energy Rings, Fusion Wheels, Spin Tracks, and Performance Tips in it as he is a skilled Bey Mechanic.
Special Moves Lightning Strike L-Drago flys up high and crashes down on his opponent lowering its spin. Thors Hammer L-Drago becomes coated in lightning and and rams into his opponent horribly damaging it sometimes knocking it out of the stadium.
Meh. This story isn't all that good. It's pretty predictable, the pretense is bad, there isn't much spacing, and the "It's over 9000!" reference is lame. Overall, you just wrote you character in as a Mary-Sue.
Character Name: Raymond "Ray-Boy" LaCross
Beyblade: Vulcan Ra 85MXF
Beyblade Type: Attack
Face Bolt: Ra
Energy Ring: Ra
Fusion Wheel: Vulcan
Spin Track: 85
Performance Tip: Metal Xtreme Flat
Spirit Beast: Ra (ancient Egyptian sun god)
Special Moves: Sun God Azure Flame Blast (Bey assumes a bluish fire aura that increases its power and stamina)
Personality: Energetic, kind-hearted, knows what's right or wrong, short-tempered, boasts good sportsmanship
Appearance: Spiky blonde hair, steel-blue grey eyes, caucasian skin tone,
Gear: standard grip bey launcher w/ yellow rubber grip (red and orange colors), angle compass, and beypointer.

what do you think?

EDIT (2:19-2:25 PM): Temporal, being the kind of guy to not like character requests, imposed his philosophy on me and suggested to make my character a bit more "normal"
...Dude. I could run this character through the "Mary-Sue" test, and you'd get about a 130. Really? I'm not going to attempt to convince someone not to accept one person's character, (I'd much rather convince someone to come up with their own characters.) but this one just isn't very good.
Why are you being so hard on me? I thought I'd made a good OC, and then you shoot me down! What did I ever do to you, Temporal?
Hm? Two things.
1: I do that to everyone. I am thoroughly against character requests, and otherwise, I'd like to see very good ones when they are used. And Mary-Sues suck. Badly. People tend not to care if their character is a Mary-Sue, which I hate.

2: One of the signs to a Mary-Sue character is that the writer becomes offended when it is mentioned in a bad connotation. I'd suggest you make the character, y'know, a bit more normal.
Essentially, read these, and use them whenever you make a story or character.
(Jul. 28, 2011  12:36 AM)NoodooSoup Wrote: Found the sources Tongue_out

-Definition of Mary Sue
-Universal Mary Sue Litmus Test (make sure to read directions at the top)
-Mary Sue Litmus Test for Original Fiction
-How to Avoid Making a Mary Sue

Also, if you search something such as, "Mary Sue Litmus Kingdom Hearts" quiz, you might find results. They're also more accurate and fitting for the fanfiction you are making.

Beginner writers: Please Read This! This is crucial to a good story/character, in my opinion.
Very well.
all accepted.
Temporal i'll try to make it better.
first im 9 so yeah...

EDIT:I need an evil character.
(Jul. 29, 2011  2:29 AM)BladingKiller Wrote: all accepted.
Temporal i'll try to make it better.
first im 9 so yeah...

EDIT:I need an evil character.
ill come up with one. im good at them. ive done 7 successful evil guys

ok. the story has loads of grammar and spelling errors. pre-write the story on microsoft word or something so it will show your mistakes and you can just change them. also new person speaks, new line.
also the story is too choppy. i used to do this but not to such an extent. read my story and you'll see the difference (nearer the end are the better bits). describe a bit more. the battles go too quickly.
a nice but predictable storyline. overall it's below average.

EDIT: My character is done
Character Name: The Slicing Shadow (real name is unknown)
Bey: Scythe Ballua SliceBlade190CS (left and right spin. SB190 can be switched from Slice Mode to Defence Mode. PC frame can be switched from stamina mode to free spinning)
Special Moves: Slicer Smasher
Dark Move: Black Blade
Personality: works for kaiba to get revenge on the beyblade gang who killed his father. he thinks that Ken and his friends are the gang. beybattles for kaiba because he is stronger than him but doesnt know. he is ruthless and kills without looking back. He crushes the beyblades of his opponents
Appearance: Pale skin. teenager. black wind blown hair. would be handsome if he didnt have a scar running across his face
Gear: Launcher Grip. LR Advance Launcher (grabs onto facebolt. no prongs). LED Sight. Metal Assist.
Name:Cameron

Bey:evil Scorpio 100HF

Special move:poison destruction

Appearance:short dirty blonde hair black open hoodie with no sleeves blue jeans vans wallet with a chain and a black beanie

Gear:black takara Tomy grip launcher with black beypointer and black takara Tomy light launcher1
Oh and my guys evil and has black fingerless gloves
And has a black tank top
At the moment now it is just a list of events with no depth into it. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever use brackets in a story. You will either find it out later or it is irrelevant information. Don't put "(My name is Ken)" in it because we will find it out later. Very corny unrealistic lines. "I kidnapped them"... what stupid criminal says that? Not to mention he is wearing a name tag, I suppose all kidnappers have one of those on. Your character has just gotten his bey and knows his its special move. Kevin is a beyblader working for a YuGiOh company. Quotation marks with different speakers on the same line. Lot of improvement needed.
(Jul. 29, 2011  9:26 AM)RowDog Wrote: At the moment now it is just a list of events with no depth into it. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever use brackets in a story. You will either find it out later or it is irrelevant information. Don't put "(My name is Ken)" in it because we will find it out later. Very corny unrealistic lines. "I kidnapped them"... what stupid criminal says that? Not to mention he is wearing a name tag, I suppose all kidnappers have one of those on. Your character has just gotten his bey and knows his its special move. Kevin is a beyblader working for a YuGiOh company. Quotation marks with different speakers on the same line. Lot of improvement needed.
this is so true but i loled at 1st sight. its not too professional. pm the next chapter to me before you release it and i will edit it.
Oh and to do spoilers its [spoiler?] but get rid of the ? and after you've written what you want to put in the spoiler you close by doing [/spoiler?] again when you actually come to do it remove the ? but DO NOT remove the /
It should turn out like this :
sonic thnx for the evil character.but describe your special move

@Bruiser also describe your special move

RowDog i asked my bro Kevin...to make a bad company thing.he just picked Kaiba Corp.

thnx guys.ill try to make it better.well i am 9.

Sorry NoodooSoup.
After you're 9? What?
Ok what happens is that Evil scorpios beast comes out and does a really strong attack that flips the opposing bey over
BladingKiller, can you please stop using age as an excuse? Some people write exeptionally well at age 9. Being young is no excuse.
(Jul. 30, 2011  6:37 AM)Temporal Wrote: BladingKiller, can you please stop using age as an excuse? Some people write exeptionally well at age 9. Being young is no excuse.
Agreed. And if you just don't think you can right to the standards of other people you don't have to put a story online until you know you are good enough.
ok thnx Temporal and RowDog.RowDog you are Da Bomb!
character name:AJ
beyblade:Hell Leone BD145 D
Special moves.Blitz fire fang(the bey starts to move like an attack type so fast it creates fire around it
Personality: persistent and easily angered
Appearance: dark skinned with black hair wearing a dark blue coat
Character Name: Eusian
Bey: Thermal Lacerta (my own, not Chi-Yuns)
Special Moves:Lizard One-Hundred Violent Slashes
Personality: Is a nice person but lashes out when angered or surprised (like a lizard)
Appearance: He werars a red shirst with a black lizard on it with black pants and red shoes
Gear: Black gloves with red circles with red fangs around it. Black launcher with a red lizard on it with red fang-like triangles around the edges



"I work for the Kaiba Corp",said Kevin."The leader is named Seto Kaiba"


Dude, I respect you for your your awsome stories BUT DONT PUT YUGIOH CHARACTERS IN IT ITS JUST PLAIN WROUNG
(Jul. 30, 2011  6:37 AM)Temporal Wrote: BladingKiller, can you please stop using age as an excuse? Some people write exeptionally well at age 9. Being young is no excuse.

Like meeeee........Never ever ever ever drink cold water after running around the neighbourhood like crazy. you're just commiting suicide. i read once that a boy drank icy cold water after 2hrs of badminton and guess what?
GAHHHHHH! Who kidnaps a bunch of kids like they're figurines?! "i defeated a dragon" ?! Do you even know the meaning of 'Sarcastic' or 'Sarcasm'?!! GAHHHH!(Nano, please fill me in with your 'GAHHHH!' pic or something) i tell you i am literally shuddering right now. Read a dictionary, some model compostitions and work on your grammar and such...*shudders*