World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

Bey story: The creator

Poll: What do you think of my story?

It's okay to great
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19
It sucks
4.55%
1
I never want to see your avatar again just by reading the first sentence, yes, it's that bad
9.09%
2
Total: 100% 22 vote(s)
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Jun. 24, 2011  8:14 PM
 
Chapter 1: Creation
[align=left]"It's finally finished" Iakou said looking down at several pages of detailed plans. "My bey, now if it wins the beyblade creator contest, i'll finally have a beyblade of my own." he ran out of his dads shop and out to the local post office. He sealed the envelope and sent it out in the mail. "Finally, i might just get my own bey" he thought to himself. He then rushed back home. It wasn't much, he lived in the country outside a small town. Beyblades weren't available for 50 miles in any direction and his dad had recently been laid off, so this was his only chance he'd probably ever get. Iakou walked in to see his dad under a truck. His dad smiled. "Finally finished with that business ay boy" his dad questioned. Iakou smiled and nodded, his dad had been a great help in the designs, showing him the only way the bey would balance and offering advice on how parts would work. "Then come on down here and help me" he said smiling. Iakou crept underneath the truck and began working with his dad.

Several months later, iakou got a letter in the mail. His face beamed, and he ran inside to meet his dad. "Whats got you so excited boy" his dad questioned. He read back the letter. "Dear iakou, your bey has been one of 8 special beys chosen to be made and tested, and if it performs well enough, we will mass produce it world wide, giving you your own special copy. The test will be in 4 days, we expect you in new york city, the beybattle stadium at 3:00 pm sharp." He looked up, but then his smile faded. "Do you think we could go" he asked. His dad looked hard at him. "Well i might have money for one ticket to new york" he said grinning and pulling out a small wad of cash. Iakou hugged his dad. "You actually beleived i'de win" he said looking up. His dad smiled "Always good to have money just in case" he said. Iakou smiled. "Guess i'de better get going then" his dad smiled and nodded. Iakou's father opened the car door, and they left for the airport.

End of chapter 1

As for character descriptions, here is iakou metari, and his future bey

Name: Iakou metari
Beyblade: Eclipse draco wf105 rsf. Eclipse is like burn, but more rigid and sharper to increase attack, draco is a round energy ring that looks like a dragon curled around so its mouth touches its tail, it increases rotation.wf105 stands for wings four 105, like wings 105, but with four wings instead of two, Rsf, rubber sharp flat, like rubber flat, but with a sharp tip protruding from the middle. Eclipse draco is a stamina/attack combo bey.
Character description: Has spiky white hair with a black lining, shaped like kyoya's, where's normal jeans, and a long black coat, with a white lining. Has a white shirt underneath. Personality wise, he is kind and gentle, but doesn't talk much. He never gloats over a victory, but always fights his hardest. He stays away from people normally unless there his close freinds.
Special moves: Let's keep those a secret for now.

If you wan't to be in, fill out a form like mine. Please read past the first chapter to get to the action, don't judge it by the starting chapter. I guess that's it, tell me what you think.
Jun. 25, 2011  3:07 AM
 
Name:Andrew Trinogami
Bey:Galaxy Gil F:A (Final Attack)(SF to HF)
Age:12
Special Move:Galactic Tail Whip(Super strong KO)
Description:Andrew lives with his older brother because both of his parents are in the army. He got his bey from his grandfather who was once an excellent blader. Andrew has increased the power of his bey tenfold and is still aiming to be the best>
Jun. 25, 2011  3:13 AM
 
Okay, your in, though i can't get you in until after the tournament for there beyblades.
Jun. 25, 2011  7:18 AM
 
[align=center]Chapter 2: Bey creation tournament, round 1

Iakou quickly ran into the stadium. "This is amazing, i'm in the biggest stadium in the u.s., to test a bey i created" he said rushing in. He showed his letter of invitation to the lady at the front desk. She smiled and led him into a room. "And here is your bey, straight from koma village itself, the origin of all beyblades." Iakou marvelled at the bey, it was just like he imagined, right down to the bit beast. In the middle of the bey was a clear black face bolt, with an image of a white dragon etched into it. Iakou smile and gripped the bey. "let's win this and then head straight to the top eclipse" he thought out loud. "Not likely" a smug voice from the side said. Iakou turned to face him. He was a smug looking guy, he wore a fancy uniform, his hair was light brown, and curved slightly in front of his eyes. Iakou smiled. "You'll have to beat my eclipse draco and my bladers spirit" The boy chuckled. "Bladers spirit, yeah right, the only thing i believe in is my own strength and the strength of my mechanized astro 145 mf. By the way, i'm chad hirogen" he chuckled one more time saying bladers spirit and left. "Jerk" iakou muttered, but was interrupted by an announcement. "Will all bladers please report to there arenas" Iakou looked up, he was in ring number 4 facing some girl named Hitomi Kazu. She had long, straight black hair, and wore an outfit similar to chad, but she looked more, spirited, he thought. Not the time. He rushed to the stadium. Hitomi looked across and smiled. "So your my opponent, get ready to lose" Two officials walked up and handed them launchers. The officials counted it down. "3..2..1, Go shoot" Iakou shot his bey in. It instantly began speeding around the arena, while hitomi's bey settled to the middle. Iakou smiled. "Now, sharp tip activate" it suddenly stopped going around the arena, and rushed in. It hit hitomi's bey, but was reflected back off. "What" iakou stammered. Hitomi smiled. "Thats what it's like fighting a defensive type bey, my continent Mauremy* is immune to your weak attacks." "Quick, convert to stamina mode draco" iakou yelled. Eclipse draco quickly stopped flying around the middle, and slowly drifted toward the middle. "Sorry, but eclipse draco is an attack/stamina combo, so i might just win after all." "Not on my watch, mauremy, attack" Mauremy suddenly flew forward toward eclipse draco. Eclipse draco was shot toward the edge. "Now, tip switch, and use the rubber flat and the rebound" Draco shot toward mauremy, but when it hit, the to beys merely stood grinding against each other in a stand still. "Not enough" iakou muttered. Hitomi smiled. "Strike back" continent Mauremy struck eclipse draco far back to the edge of the arena and into the air. "That's mauremys wbf, wide ball flat, a flat can extend out of the ball, giving counter attack when i need it. Call me when his bey lands." She leaned down. Iakou smiled. "Not so fast, my bey isn't finished yet" "What" "Go, DRACO!!!!!!!"Eclipse draco flew down, Blocking the lights. It struck, face to face, with continent mauremy. Wind from the impact blew them back. When iakou opened his eyes, both beys were tilting, but draco more. "hah, it's pointless, i will win" Iakou noticed something. "This is my only chance, go eclipse draco, one more strike." Hitomi started laughing. "Go ahead, end it for m-" she was cut off, by her bey flying by her face. Eclipse draco then spun out. "Wha- but how" She stammered. "Your bey was tilting because of the ball, i notice that this would be my only chance to strike, so i did, it just managed to knock it out from beneath itself." She bent down to pick up her bey, and when she looked up, she saw iakou. "Thanks for the great battle" he said smiling she looked at his hand, and then swapped it away. "Don't think this is over, i'll beat you next time" she stormed away. Iakou smiled and yelled "I'll be looking forward to it" But then thought of something. "What about continent mauremy" he yelled to her. "We get to keep our beys doofus" she yelled back. He smiled. "Looks like i just made a rival and friend." His thoughts were interrupted by an announcement. "The next round will begin in 30 minutes, be ready to go to your stadiums." Iakou looked down at his bey. "As long as i've got you, i'll be ready."

*Mauremys japonica is the japanese wood turtle, needed a good name, so chose this.

Chapter 3 preview.
Iakou finds a challenging new opponent awaiting him in the next round, what will he do when facing a pro blader.

Now for my character descriptions:

Name: Hitomi Kazu
Beyblade: Continent mauremy 135 wbf, Continent is a large fusion wheel weighing 37 grams, it is sloped down to absorb most attacks, Mauremy is round and comes up, to help protect content from upper attacks, shaped similar to aquario, regular 135, wbf, wide ball flat, a flat can extend out of the ball, giving counter attack when needed.
Character descriptionConfusedhe has long, straight black hair, and wears a school uniform, it's dark red, and is your basic school uniform, pants, shirts, and a jacket, though she puts her own touch to it, thus iakou's description of it being more spirited. She's a friendly girl, but when it comes to competition, she plays to win, but when in the lead, her cockiness can lead to her down fall.
Special moves: For now, there aren't any, just stay tuned for the action.

Hope you like my story, feel free to make a character, you can even ask to be the character iakou fights in the next round, though i ask please no special moves if you want to be in the next round, you 'll get them later though, just please add so. Anyway, i hope you enjoy and please comment, i want to know if i'm doing a good job, or if i suck.
Jun. 25, 2011  9:17 AM
 
.
Jun. 25, 2011  7:54 PM
 
(Jun. 25, 2011  9:17 AM)zflare3 Wrote: hey cancer boy,
you sent the exact same character request to me

btw cool story

I no im just running out of ideas and i like the character
Jun. 26, 2011  2:43 AM
 
Chapter 3: Battling skills

Iakou took his bey apart, and then put it back together again, examining all the parts for the hundredth time. "This bey, it's exactly how i imagined it" he said looking at the gleam of the facebolt. "Now, it's time for the semi-final matches" came an announcement over the speakers "Head to beybladeing Arena b." Iakou tightened draco and walked toward the stadium. He walked into the stadium, and was shocked to see the crowds of people. "Now folks, it's time for the semi-final matches, both we'll be at the same time, and each will be best of three." Iakou walked up to the second of the 2 arenas. He looked across at his opponent. His name was silvester alanzo, he had short black hair, and tanned skin, He wore jeans and a t-shirt, he looked like your typical teenager, but unlike iakou, he was an experienced blader. He had a lot of experience, iakou had saw him on a magazine, a segment called, what was it, "The anilizer?" "Hey, you" silvester called. Iakou turned. "yeah" "Since you obviously haven't observed my bey, like you have mine, i'll tell you what my bey is" Iakou perked up. "It's name is slash tiger lr135 fwd" He said. "Fwd, like hitomi's?" Iakou questioned. "Yes, but with better defence" Silvester said "Now, enough of that, lets battle." The crowd started counting down, "3..2..1, go shoot" we shot our beys. His and mine both began circling the arena, but slash tiger was faster. It quickly caught up to eclipse draco and began a grinding attack from the back. "Keep going tiger" silvester yelled. It backed up and then flew toward eclipse draco. "Go eclipse draco, tip change" eclipse draco changed to sharp and dodged slash tiger's attack "And again" elipse draco changed to rubber flat and sped toward slash tiger. Silvester smiled. "Now tip and spintrack, activate" "What" Slash tiger stopped and suddenly spun in the opposite direction. When eclipse draco hit, it took it then knocked the bey back toward the edge. "What, how did you do that" Silvester smiled. "My spin track and my tip, you know how my tip works, and here's my spin track, my spin track changes my beys rotation, from right like before, to left know, and since it spun left, your attack boosted my counter. "Ugh" iakou said astounded, but was to late, his bey was knocked out of the arena. Iakou looked at his bey. "His bey was strong, but how did it knock my bey away." He then remembered his fusion wheel, it was like, thermal, if he remembered correctly, but with two edges at the end, when it reversed rotation, instead of just grinding, those smashed his bey. Silvester laughed. "Come on, time for round two" Iakou nodded. "3..2..1, go shoot" They launched there beys once again. "Gotta evade" iakou thought "Go tip change" his bey stopped, and spun to the center. "Not so fast go slash tiger" it sped toward eclipse draco. "Dodge it, tip change" iakou yelled. Eclipse draco began spinning around, dodging all the attacks. Iakou then saw something. "That's it, dodge one more time" iakou yelled he dodged and slash tiger careened in the other direction. "Now, attack, full speed." Draco sped forward. "I won't let you, spin track and tip change" he yelled. but it wasn't fast enough, as it changed, it was knocked out of the arena. Silvester smiled. "You noticed my bey's lack of control, good one, but that win will be your last."

End of chapter 3

Character description time:

Name: Silvester alanzo
Beyblade: Slash tiger lr135 fwd, tiger comes out to partially cover slash, its pure white, slash is like thermal but ends so that is looks like it has 2 claws, it makes a great smash attack it in left spin mode, lr135 is just like 135, but has inside mechanics so it can change from right to left only slightly hindering the stamina after swapping, fwd is just like fb but with wd.
Character description: He has short black hair, and tanned skin, He wears jeans and a t-shirt, he looks like your typical teenager, but under the exterior lies a beyblade master.
Special moves: Tune in later for the first one, spoiler its called claw smash.

As always feel free to make a character profile, and please comment, i need to know if i'm actually doing good.
Jun. 26, 2011  3:04 AM
 
you are doing good it hooked me in-literly- in the first sentance. Smile
Jun. 26, 2011  4:51 AM
 
Cool, thanks
Jun. 27, 2011  1:08 AM
 
Chapter 4: Semi-final clash

Iakou stared across at his opponent. He smiled "This time, you have to face, my special move" he yelled. "What" iakou thought "He has a special move" His thoughts were interrupted by the count down. "3..2..1, go shoot" Iakou let it rip with all his might. The two beyblades instantly began circling the arena. "Catch up to him slash tiger" silvester yelled. He sped up. "Dodge it" draco began dodging the attacks, but wasn't quick enough. "Go, strike him tiger" silvester yelled. Slash tiger hit draco and began grinding it against the side of the arena. "Draco you have to breakfree." Draco knocked toward tiger and flew off. "Fine, if thats how you want, it, go special move, claw smash." Slash tigers spin tracked changed, its bit beast rose out of the bey, and it flew in the other direction, straight toward draco. "Dodge it" iakou yelled, but to late. the smash shot iakou against the wall of the arena and up into the air. Iakou smiled. "Now's my chance, go eclipse draco" eclipse draco flew down and hit the edge of tigers fusion wheel, it ground into the stadium. Draco returned to iakou. "How" silvester murmured, "How did it regain balance, in the air no less." Iakou smiled. "I didn't know at first, but after the first match, i learned that the spin track, can actually stabilize my bey in mid-air, and to think i just made it to increase stamina." silvester walked up and shook his hand after picking up his slash tiger. "I have to admit, you knew your bey better this time, but next time we'll just see." silvester walked off. "I hope i do get to battle him again" he thought. "What an amazing battle we just witnessed, let's see it again" Iakou looked up, and was shocked to see it wasn't his match. Instead, he saw mechanized astro m145 mf taking an infinite amount of hits by a bey, and not budging or losing any stamina. "What kind of bey is that" iakou thought. The opponents bey spun out. "And that was it, the match that chad hirogen won without a single attack. Chad laughed on the screen. Iakou shuddered. A hand clasped his shoulder. "Your better than i thought" chad said from behind him "Even with all your stupid talk of bladers spirit." he laughed cockily. "I'll show you in the next round, i'll beat your bey, and show you my strength." He laughed again. "No way, i'll let you in on a secret, my bey mechanized astro, is undefeatable, it's the heaviest bey in existence, and is stamina is unparalleled. Iakou cringed after looking at it. He laughed one more time. "See you in an hour." he said, and walked off. Iakou watched the replay one more time. "Dang it, i have to find a way to beat him" he thought. He walked to the lounge.
End of chapter 4
Next time on beyblade, can iakou and eclipse draco stand a chance against the power of mechanized astro. Find out next time.

Now for character descritions:

Name: Name: chad hirogen
Beyblade: mechanized astro m145 mf, Mechanized is a 50 gram smooth and large fusion wheel, astro is the only metal energy ring, it adds much weight and keeps the bey in one place unless pushed with immense force, m145, is mechanized 145, its metal, and, well, lets save the rest for next time, mf is metal flat, allows mechanized to move on its own, but not to be pushed.
Character description: Chad is a smug looking guy, he wears a fancy uniform, kept straight, his hair is light brown and curved slightly in front of his eyes. He is a smug person who can also be very mean, he's also very pompous.
Special moves: He doesn't have any, he only has, mechanized moves, one of which, metal spin strike, another, generator spin. you'll just have to see.

Please comment, and feel free to make a character request.
Jun. 27, 2011  6:18 AM
 
wow wonderful story the plot is awesome and the words used r good too keep it up
Jun. 27, 2011  6:28 AM
 
Thanks, glad you liked it, and to everybody, i'm trying to write a chapter a day, so they'll come out rapidly.
Jun. 28, 2011  1:15 AM
 
Chapter 5: Final face-off

"It is time to begin the last round, will iakou metari and chad hirogen please report to beyblading arena a" Iakou walked to the entrance, and went in the stadium. He was blinded by the light, and deafened by the roar of the crowd. Iakou approached the arena. The announcer started in on the match, but iakou wasn't listening, he merely stared at chad, and readied his launcher. The countdown was started. "3..2..1, go shoot" iakou released the bey with all of his power. "Eclipse draco, go in, hammer him with all of your power" eclipse draco spun into the center of the arena and began crashing and grinding against mechanized astro, but to no avail. Chad laughed. "Thats an all metal bey, you don't have a chance at moving it with your little attack power." "Err, eclipse draco, switch to stamina" eclipse draco just stood there, slowly grinding against mechanized astro. Eclipse draco began spinning out. "What, how can that metal monster have so much stamina?" chad smiled, "you'll have to figure that out in the next round, finish it" mechanized astro reeled back, and struck eclipse draco. It flew out of the arena. Eclipse draco was spinning as well as it was at the start, maybe, if iakou wasn't hallucinating, even better. "The match is over, and we once again see the dominance in chads defensive/stamina bey. "How does it spin so well when it's made of full metal." Iakou thought as the announcer did the play-by-play. "Now time for round 2" the announcer called. "3..2..1, go shoot" they called. "Eclipse draco fly around and build up speed" iakou yelled. Eclipse draco began gathering more and more speed. "Now, strike" eclipse draco flew in and hit mechanized astro. Time stopped. "Whats that sound" iakou thought as soon as they hit. "I-it's rattling, theres something in the spin track." eclipse draco was shot back, but, it looked like mechanized astro wasn't spinning as well. "What, why isn't my mechanized move working, speed up, go generator spin" chad yelled. "Thats it" iakou thought "There's a generator in the spin track". "Go eclipse draco, strike one more time, aim for the spin track." Eclipse draco appeared from the center of the bey, flew toward mechanized astro with incredible speed, and landed a direct hit on the spin track. Mechanized astro lost balance and spun out. "Could it be, yes, iakou has beaten the undefeated chad and his mechanized astro." Chad took his bet apart. "You broke my generator" Iakou smiled. "Looks like no more tricks for you". Then chad smiled. "i carry spare parts, after all, this bey didn't come from some stupid supposed birthplace of beyblade, my dad made this in his factory himself" He took out a separate spintrack and put it on. "When i win this, the era of that stupid legend will be over, and all the 'bladers spirit' with it, and the era of the mechanized beys will begin" Iakou stared at him. "Looks like this is one match i can't lose."
End of chapter 5

Next time on beyblade
This is one battle iakou refuses to lose, but will it be his decision, will the era of blading spirit end, or will iakou show the power of blading spirit.

No character descriptions this time, as always comments are welcome as are character requests, and try and guess tommorows plot if you want. Thats all for today.
Jun. 29, 2011  4:04 AM
 
Sorry, no chapter today, i slept in, until 7, pm.
Jun. 30, 2011  12:17 AM
 
Chapter 6: Bladers spirit(Song guidance version)

There were no words before the final match, iakou ad chad just stared at each other as the announcer counted down. "3..2..1, go shoot" the two beys shot out and hit in mid air. They landed. "Go draco, attack his spin track." draco appeared from the face bolt, and charged at mechanized astro. "Not so fast, go mechanized astro." A hologram of mechanized astro, a metal gladiator, appeared and astro began flying around. "Stop draco." Draco avoided the collision. Chad sneered. "Thats right, fear my beast." his bit beast seamed to laugh with him. Iakou cringed. "Draco, we have to go for it" (Insert this music http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7muzlOrbDu8) draco began speeding around the arena, gathering more and more energy. "Now draco meet him head to head and aim for the spin track." The two beys hit head to head. Slowly grinding against each other. The first to give an inch lost it all. (Ends with second let it rip beyblade. Cue next song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fd9-IjQpE...ated.)They both slid to the side past each other. Draco and astro were both wobbling. (Singing starts)"You took out my spin track, but at a great cost, your bey is running out of steam, now i'll finish you, mechanized move, metal spin strike" Mechanized astro sped toward draco. It knocked it up with the weight and power it held. "Now draco, special move, final eclipse." Draco blocked out the lights, glowing with a pure white light, and flew straight down toward astro. " Now mechanized move, metal rocket" chad yelled. His bey rocketed from the tip and met draco in mid-air. The impact blew chad and iakou back. Draco landed on it's side , and astro landed back in his tip, then spun out. "And the winner is chad and his mechanized astro." chad laughed. "And be prepared to buy the next generation of beys, the generator series, by hirogen inc." Iakou grabbed draco and walked off, his head hung low. Chad stopped him. "Thats what happens to foolish bladers who think they can win with stupid bladers spirit." Iakou trudged to his plane. "Next time, i'll win"

In a few months time, almost every blader in arkansas had a hirogen bey. Iakou cursed at himself. "I should have stopped this when i had the chance." he said. He had recently heard of a battle blader who had lost to someone with a mech bey, was his name yu, iakou thought, yeah, he lost to chad. He walked to the local bey park. That's where two giant 17 year olds stopped him. "Nobody aloud without a hirogen bey" iakou tried going around them but they grabbed him. "Looks like you need a new bey" Iakou showed them his eclipse draco. "Let me through or i'll crush your beys" he said. They laughed. They dragged him to an abandoned bey sight, it wasn't open for a few months. "We'll bey here" they said. They both brought up there beys. He brought up his. "I'll take you both out" he said. They launched there beys. "Go draco" draco appeared. He began hammering the two beys. They resisted do to the metal generators. "Finish it, draco" draco sped around and struck them both out. Iakou smiled, but so did they. "Were not done yet" suddenly hundreds of full metal beys were launched into the arena. Draco was surrounded. Iakou cringed. "Go draco" began knocking them out one at a time, but there were two many. Draco began tilting. Then another bey was launched in. "Go galactic gil, galactic tail whip." the other hundred beys were knocked out, and into the faces of there launchers. The bey gang ran off yelling cries of "We'll be back" (End of song, now, that's write, andrew gets his own part of the song. From the just hard rock to the i'm not going down, where he uses his special move). Iakou looked to the launcher after regaining draco. "Who are you" he yelled. The person yelled back "I am Andrew Trinogami, and i challenge you to a bey battle"
End of chapter 6, special song guidance version

Next time on beyblade, iakou has met a mysterious new youth called andrew, who has chalanged him to a bey battle, but is he a friend, or foe.

Character descrition time:
Name:Andrew Trinogami
Bey:Galaxy Gil F:A (Final Attack)(SF to HF)
Age:12
Special Move:Galactic Tail Whip(Super strong KO)
Description:Andrew lives with his older brother because both of his parents are in the army. He got his bey from his grandfather who was once an excellent blader. Andrew has increased the power of his bey tenfold and is still aiming to be the best

Please comment, and feel free to make a character.
Jun. 30, 2011  5:06 AM
 
Chapter 6: Bladers spirit(Song guidance version)

There were no words before the final match, iakou ad chad just stared at each other as the announcer counted down. "3..2..1, go shoot" the two beys shot out and hit in mid air. They landed. "Go draco, attack his spin track." draco appeared from the face bolt, and charged at mechanized astro. "Not so fast, go mechanized astro." A hologram of mechanized astro, a metal gladiator, appeared and astro began flying around. "Stop draco." Draco avoided the collision. Chad sneered. "Thats right, fear my beast." his bit beast seamed to laugh with him. Iakou cringed. "Draco, we have to go for it" (Insert this music http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7muzlOrbDu8) draco began speeding around the arena, gathering more and more energy. "Now draco meet him head to head and aim for the spin track." (Cue swing down, swing low)The two beys hit head to head. Slowly grinding against each other. The first to give an inch lost it all. (Ends with first let it rip beyblade. Cue next song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fd9-IjQpE...ated.)They both slid to the side past each other. Draco and astro were both wobbling. (Singing starts)"You took out my spin track, but at a great cost, your bey is running out of steam, now i'll finish you, mechanized move, metal spin strike" Mechanized astro sped toward draco. It knocked it up with the weight and power it held. "Now draco, special move, (Cue lyric i'm not going down)final eclipse." Draco blocked out the lights, glowing with a pure white light, and flew straight down toward astro. "(Cue i'm at my best) Now mechanized move, metal rocket" chad yelled. His bey rocketed from the tip and met draco in (Cue i'm not gonna stop)mid-air. The impact blew chad and iakou back. Draco landed on it's side (Cue you haven't seen the last of me), and astro landed back in his tip, then spun out. "And the winner is chad and his mechanized astro." chad laughed. "And be prepared to buy the next generation of beys, the generator series, by hirogen inc." Iakou grabbed draco and walked off, his head hung low. Chad stopped him. "Thats what happens to foolish bladers who think they can win with stupid bladers spirit." Iakou trudged to his plane. (Cue i'm not going down)"Next time, i'll win"

In a few months time, almost every blader in arkansas had a hirogen bey. Iakou cursed at himself. "I should have stopped this when i had the chance." he said. He had recently heard of a battle blader who had lost to someone with a mech bey, was his name yu, iakou thought, yeah, he lost to chad. He walked to the local bey park. That's where two giant 17 year olds stopped him. "Nobody aloud without a hirogen bey" iakou tried going around them but they grabbed him. "Looks like you need a new bey" Iakou showed them his eclipse draco. "Let me through or i'll crush your beys" he said. They laughed. They dragged him to an abandoned bey sight, it wasn't open for a few months. "We'll bey here" they said. They both brought up there beys. He brought up his. "I'll take you both out" he said. They launched there beys. "Go draco" draco appeared. He began hammering the two beys. They resisted do to the metal generators. "Finish it, draco" draco sped around and struck them both out. Iakou smiled, but so did they. "Were not done yet" (Cue hard metal)suddenly hundreds of full metal beys were launched into the arena. Draco was surrounded. Iakou cringed. "Go draco" began knocking them out one at a time, but there were two many. Draco began tilting. Then another bey was launched in. "(Cue i'm not going down)Go galactic gil, galactic tail whip." the other hundred beys were knocked out, and into the faces of there launchers. The bey gang ran off yelling cries of "We'll be back" (End of song, now, thats write, andrew gets his own part of the song. From the just hard rock to the i'm not going down, where he uses his special move). Iakou looked to the launcher after regaining draco. "Who are you" he yelled. The person yelled back "I am Andrew Trinogami, and i challenge you to a bey battle"
End of chapter 6, special song guidance version
Jun. 30, 2011  6:18 AM
 
The story is really great so far keep adding on
Jun. 30, 2011  6:18 AM
 
The story is really great so far keep adding on
Jun. 30, 2011  12:23 PM
 
You wanted me to critique this story, eh? Now I sound Canadian, eh? Whatever, here I go, eh:

1. You put in a lot of 'sentences' that don't fit. Try to use commas instead of periods.

2. Descriptions! How am I supposed to know what they look like? Don't do it all at once, but gradually here and there add on pieces of description if it fits.

3. I can't put the main character into any categories, and that's a bad thing. Unless he's supposed to be completely unpredictable, try to pick a personality for him and stick to it.

That's it, eh? Alright, good luck on your story, and use my advice, eh?
Jun. 30, 2011  1:03 PM
 
Thanks, for the critique, i'll work on it.
Jun. 30, 2011  1:57 PM
 
Great work! Heres a character:

Name:Akira. Akira is a fun loving, friendly and funny person. But Akira has a dark-side, his bey was given to him by his sister Juliet before she died and if anyone should mention her in a battle he would break down.
Age:12
BeyConfusedoar Karasu* gb145 (black) ewd. Soar is similar to big bang but black. Karusu is a black clear wheel shaped like wings.
Jun. 30, 2011  7:37 PM
 
.
Jul. 01, 2011  3:29 AM
 
Okay, i'll get you two in, but i have to add characters gradually so i can develop a really good setting to put them in.
Jul. 01, 2011  7:00 AM
 
Name:Kane
Bey:Flaming Fly 100 MF(Metal flat)
Personality:Quiet, mysterious, cool.
Looks:He has hair, but most of the time he coveres it with his 'cowboy' hat.He wears A brown leather jacket, a 'cowboy' hat, brown boots and leather pants.
Special move:Inferno:The flaming fusion wheel heates up, to become white hot.He then charges at the opponent.
Jul. 02, 2011  7:25 AM
 
kurusu means crow btw
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