World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. Off-Topic Forums Your Creations

The Rising Shadow (my first Beyblade fan fic)

Jun. 26, 2011  1:15 PM
 
This is first story which i ever wrote which has Ginga and co in it Please be kind about my grammar i know it is not very good so here i go
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Chapter 1 dawn of a new era

Ginga's p.o.v

It's been four years since Battlebladers and three since big bang bladers we may be older and the group has changed but we still have adventures and fun

end Ginga's p.o.v

someone's narrative

It was a sunny day and the group was laying around chatting about stuff but else where...

In a abandoned train yard

"you should not take others points! you earn them fairly in competitions!" A young girl shouted as she was running from a gang of bladers who wanted her 80,500 points she had been saving up.

their leader just smirked and said

"If your not going to give them to us we shall take them by force!" he shouted young just shouted for someone to help her.

back with the group

Ginga, Masamume , Sora , Kenta , Yuu , Kyoya , Hyoma and Tsubasa where walking south of the abandoned rail yard they where chatting until Ginga heard the young girl shouting for help ran up the hill and shouted

"I be back in a minute and everyone don't even think about it! " he found his way in to the yard to find the young girl being bullied by a resident group of bladers he jumped of the steel beam he was standing on and warned the group to leave the leader commented.

"Where not Leaving" The leader growled at Ginga then the only smart one in the group whispered in his leaders ear this

"You know you going up against one of the strongest bladers in the world don't you?" he said the leader noticing his mistake said

"You got away this time!" he shouted while running away. Then Ginga walked up to the young girl who was brushing her self off and said

"Are you OK?"

"I'm fine no injuries" she said to Ginga

"Whats you name?" Ginga then asked

"My name Suika" she said

"My name's Ginga nice to meet you Suika " Ginga introduced himself to Suika

"Why was that group after you Suika?" Ginga asked to Suika

"They where after my 80,500 points I have." Suika answered

"That's alot of points Suika" he replided

"Well it's not safe here " Suika pointed out

"so lets get going Suika" Ginga said leading out of the area

later on...

"Ginga! There you are and who's with you?" Kyoya asked

"Her name's Suika" Ginga replied to Kyoya

"Hi Suika my name's Kyoya and the tall one Tsubasa next to hims Hyoma the one with green hairs Kenta the loud one is Yuu Ginga's biggest fan's Sora and the one im going to kill if he doesn't stop touching my hair is Masamume! "

"Nice to meet you all" Suika said to the group "well can you help me please?" she then asked

"What with? Suika"Tsubasa asked

"Well have you heard of ldrago?"she asked

"We have"Ginga replided

"Well theirs a beyblade that's stronger called Apocalypse lopstu and recently people have been trying to get it" she explained to them

"we will help you Suika" they all replied

"thank you everyone you can stay at mine tonight it's already getting late" Suika thanked every one

later on

after everyone was asleep Tsubasa woke up Kyoya

"Kyoya! wake up!" he shouted in kyoya's ear

"yes Tsubasa?"he yawned

"Is it me or Suika looks to much like Ginga?"Tsubasa asked kyoya

"I know it's strange but who are we to question Tsubasa? now lets go to sleep "Kyoya moaned

End chapter 1
Jun. 26, 2011  2:03 PM
 
not bad, not bad
Jun. 26, 2011  2:05 PM
 
.
Jun. 26, 2011  3:24 PM
 
Where are the fullstops and the commas?
Jun. 26, 2011  3:31 PM
 
.
Jun. 26, 2011  3:38 PM
 
I'm a girl... anyways next chapter
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chapter 2 battle at windy tower

After the events of the previous day Suika walk up the stairs and in to the room where the group of bladers where sleeping and using a very loud fog horn woke them all up getting annoyed Ginga said this

"When we ask for a wake up call we don't mean it literally Suika!" Ginga moaned rubbing his ears everyone got out of the bed that they where sharing later on at a table down stairs. Kyoya who had finished eating gave a recommendation

"Why don't you have a beybattle with Ginga? Suika" Kyoya asked

"OK if that's OK with Ginga " Suika answered

"Great the first battle this month!"Ginga accepted

"There's a stadium nearby after everyone finished eating we can have the beybattle there." Suika said finishing her bowl of cereal

later on ...

After finishing breakfast they walked one mile to the stadium it was a three hundred meters tall and it was very windy at the top

"This stadim is called windy tower!"Suika pointed out

"Can we start now?"Ginga pleaded

"Right 3..." Suika said

"2..." everyone said

"1 let it rip!" Ginga and Suika shouted

"Go Hurricane Pantra!"Suika excitedly shouted

"let's go galaxy pegasus!" Ginga calmly said

"let's get this going Hurricane Pantra special move monsoon claw!" Suika commanded

"Galaxy Pegasus dodge it now! " Ginga said realizing how strong the attack was. "Now go through the wind and use stormbringer" he continued

"Pantra! close combat!" Suika responded to his actions

The beyblades where evenly matched in every attack with both responding to the others moves. Each move could stop an elephant in it's tracks the battle would have go on longer if Suika had not taken it had used her next move.

"Now go Pantra! Final hurricane blast! " suika desperately commanded

"Galaxy Pegasus stormbringer!" Ginga responded to the attack

The impact had filled the area with smoke but who won?...
Jun. 26, 2011  3:41 PM
 
Your story has dialogue, dialogue, dialogue, and not much else. Also, you are being specific in places you don't need to be (80,500 points-that has no relevance to the plot). Try describing things, even briefly. Were there trees? Was the sun out, or was it cloudy? Was Gingka's hair glistening (I doubt it)? Etc., etc.
Jun. 26, 2011  4:00 PM
 
Like the special moves, the effects it does and what does the crowd think,act,etc.
you should do
like so:

"Now go Pantra-" And now, Suika made the Life-or-dead decision."Final Hurricane blast!"
The bey keeps on spinning and spinning, creates a huge hurricane. Wind blades were surrounding the Hurricane,making everyone feared even just hearing the sound created by Hurricane Pantra.
"Now!"Suika cried, and the Hurricane become bigger than before! The Hurricane is so strong,even Galaxy Pegasis can't stand on its way.

"Pegasis!"Ginga knew that if he does nothing,then he will lose, and pegasis will be destroyed."We shall respond them! Galaxy Pegasis Stormbringer!"
With all its might, Pegasis created a strong force, spinning large circles inside the stadium. Once it is fast enough ,Pegasis flies up in the air with blue aura surrounding itself! The Shooting star then attacks the large hurricane,like a fearless falcon!
Two extremely strong forces created by two beys clashed together, making the audience can't even breathe.Smoke were created after the beys clashed,and the result remains a fog........



Also, adding commas and fullstops won't kill you.
Jun. 26, 2011  4:13 PM
 
Suika's 80,500 points has an explanation it's for a later chapter and i had already uploaded the chapters to fanfiction.net and i'll try to explain what happening more in the chapters which are not uploaded on there
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chapter 3 The white Leone and it's master Kovu
The smoke had just cleared to find the battle had ended in a tie but Ginga and Suika where now unconscious due to tiredness. The next morning Ginga asked to Kyoya who had won the beybattle.

"It was a tie Ginga" Kyoya replied to the question that was asked to him

"It's been Quite some time since I've had a tie! "Ginga said in amazement in Kyoya's ear. Kyoya sighed while rubbing his ear again.

"That was my first tie ever Ginga!" Suika commented about the battle

"It was great to watch you battle Ginga " Sora proclaimed

"Thank you Sora" Ginga complimented

"By the way my friends are coming over in two hours your welcome to meet them" Suika remembered then pointed out

"We all shall be honored to Suika " Tsubasa said after waking and falling off the small sofa he had claimed for himself

two hours later...

There was a knock at the yellow door then Suika went to open it and there was a tall boy taller than Kyoya he was wearing a pair of light blue jeans and a light green shirt and he had blue eyes and hair lighter

than Kyoya's and a smaller girl with ash blond hair and green eye's wearing basic yellow trousers and a white shirt where at the door.

"Who are your new friends Suika and i guess what my brother Kyoya got up to..." the tall boy asked to be cut of by Kenta who said

"Kyoya why didn't you tell us about your brother?"Kenta asked to him

"You didn't ask me!" Kyoya explained Then Suika introduced duo the the group who where now arguing with Ginga trying to sort it out

"Everyone this is Kovu Tategami and Daisy tsunami they are some of my closest friends"Suika said to the group of arguing bladers

"Daisy,kovu the on with red hair's Ginga,the green haired on who started the argument is kenta , Masamune is the one who's still sleeping lucky him Tsubasa the one on the sofa who's watching the argument Sora is the one who standing next to me the still loud one's Yuu and the one in his sheep night clothes is Hyoma " Suika mentioned

After the somewhat redickuless arugement Kovu asked Kyoya if he wanted to have a beybattle with him.

"yes please Kovu it's been ages since we had a beybattle"Kyoya replied

sometime later Kyoya and kovu where at the Windy tower again

"3..."everyone shouted

"2..."Kovu said

"1 let it rip"Kyoya and Kovu shouted

"counter Leone special move hyper beam!" kovu commanded

"Rock Leone lion gale force wall now" Kyoya responded to the attack

both beyblade's moves hit there marks almost knocking each blader other over

"Counter Leone! crush claw!"kovu said to counter rock Leone's attack

counter Leone's crush claw sent rock Leone 15 feet in the air

"I guess it's over Kyoya" kovu said while turning to leave

"not yet look up!"Kyoya said pointing up to the sky

"what!" kovu noticing that rock Leone was still spinning

"special move! gale fang"Kyoya said deciding to finish the battle there and then.
Kyoya had won the battle... just
Jun. 26, 2011  4:14 PM
 
(Jun. 26, 2011  4:00 PM)Meteo LDrago Wrote:
Like the special moves, the effects it does and what does the crowd think,act,etc.
you should do
like so: (Click to View)

To be honest, your grammar is pitiful but the content is ok. For shinehunter, it's all about adding descriptions of the scenes, as the story is mostly dialogue and interjections. Try to gradually pile up a description. If you read my stories, you will notice I don't describe everything all at once. I add a little but here, some more in the next chapter, until eventually you can see the whole character. Although people have different writing styles, mine is a good, safe way to go.
Jun. 26, 2011  4:28 PM
 
I need more practice don't I (sigh) and ICT teacher likes this (I go to a special needs school) he requseted
that I'll put in a book if you know what i meant.
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chapter 4 Leoness and the graphite stadium

After Kyoya and Kovu's battle everyone went back to Suika's house for lunch. They had a chicken salad which was made by Daisy a strange pea soup made by Suika and a cheese,ham and pineapple pizza made by kovu

Ginga who was eating a slice of pizza said

"Suika how did you get that scar on your arm?"he asked looking at a small thin scar on her right arm

"It's nothing don't have to worry about it Ginga"she replied

"OK"Ginga said back

meanwhile Sora asked Daisy why she was being so quiet most of the day she replied with this

"I haven't had any good challengers recently Sora"She then pointed out

"Ginga will be happy to have a battle with you Daisy so why not ask him?"

"I'll be happy to Daisy"Ginga said has he had been eavesdropping at the time

"Then I shall battle Ginga then!"daisy then jumped up then shouted in Kyoya's ears

"and please can we not use windy tower?"Ginga begged

"I was not going to use windy tower anyway!"Daisy said accepting Ginga plea

"then what stadium is going to be used?"Ginga asked

"It's a surprise" Daisy said then smirked to Ginga

Later on...

The group had walked nearly three miles then Kenta tripped up on a large branch then noticed the ground was made of graphite asked

"Is The stadium made of graphite?"

"Yes It is Kenta"Daisy answered

"and here we are"She continued

"Then let get started!"Ginga shouted

"Lets 1..."Daisy shouted

"2..."everyone shouted

"1 Let It Rip!"Daisy and Ginga shouted

"Go Magnetic Leoness! "Daisy

"Let' go galaxy Pegasus!"Ginga shouted

"Now magnetic ray!"Daisy grinned

The move has no effect...

"What that move didn't do anything?"Ginga now confused asked

"It's supposed to but look carefully"Daisy said pointing to Magnetic Leonesss

Ginga looks carefully and noticed that Magnetic leoness is pushing Galaxy Pegasus

"It's magnetism that's pushing Galaxy Pegasus "Daisy continued

"...OK" Ginga who is still confused

"Now Leoness Aurora beam!"Daisy said trying to get the battle back on track

"And hows that going to work and stand your ground Pegasus!"Ginga said After working out a plan

Magnetic leoness sends out a large mufti-colored beam of light to which Galaxy Pegasus survied with almost no damage

"What that should of be a stadium out!"Daisy who was now panicking said

"Galaxy Pegasus! Storm bringer!"Ginga said after seeing his chance to attack

Galaxy Pegasus spins around Magnetic leoness and attacks from below resulting with a stadium out for Magnetic Leoness

Ginga wins the beybattle

"how did you work out how to withstand Aurora beam?"Daisy asked Ginga

"It magnetized Galaxy Pegasus so rendering the move useless" Ginga replied

And with that they started to walk home.

End chapter 4
Jun. 26, 2011  4:32 PM
 
(Jun. 26, 2011  4:14 PM)Sparta Wrote:
(Jun. 26, 2011  4:00 PM)Meteo LDrago Wrote:
Like the special moves, the effects it does and what does the crowd think,act,etc.
you should do
like so: (Click to View)

To be honest, your grammar is pitiful but the content is ok. For shinehunter, it's all about adding descriptions of the scenes, as the story is mostly dialogue and interjections. Try to gradually pile up a description. If you read my stories, you will notice I don't describe everything all at once. I add a little but here, some more in the next chapter, until eventually you can see the whole character. Although people have different writing styles, mine is a good, safe way to go.
Damn, worse grammar killed me.
Jun. 26, 2011  4:36 PM
 
Oh my gosh I'm on a role
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chapter 5 Ryuuga and the Red Sky Dragon

On their way back to Suika's house an arrow with a note on it flew past the group and went into a nearby tree. Ginga Then walked up to the tree and pulled out the arrow and looked at the note. The note said...

To Ginga

Come to the old dark nebula base at three o"clock tomorrow please come alone.

there is something i want to show you. I used to be evil to you.

Thanks again for saving me from Ldrago and this my thanks

My master wants to tell you something.

i don't know why.

From a former foe of yours

Suika looked at the letter and said "Ginga you have to it would be impolite if you don't."

Ginga nodded then Said "OK then I'll go"

Next day at the Dark nebula base at 3:00

"I'm here! Where are you! Come out!"Ginga shouted at the top of his voice. Then Ginga saw Ryuuga Jump out of a tree nearby. when he landed on the ground in front of Ginga and said

"I see you got the letter Ginga" Ryuuga then bush himself off

"You sent it why Ryuuga?"Ginga asked while referring to the letter

Ryuuga then sighed " I mentioned why in the letter my master wants to tell you something"

"Your master? Do you mean Doji?"Ginga asked

"No Doji was never my master in fact he's never seen him so lets go." Ryuuga then picked up his pace

Ginga then asked "Who's your master then?"

Ryuuga then opened a door and said "My master in here come"

"where's your master Ryuuga? all i can see is this statue of a Dragon"Ginga said looking at the statue

"Ginga thats my master"Ryuuga then tapped on his shoulder to make him sit down and then the statue talked

"Ryuuga i see you bought Ginga thank you"

Ginga was surprised that the statue talked "eh Ryuuga the statue Talked?"

"Don't worry Ginga Red Sky Dragon please explain why you asked for Ginga" Ryuuga then asked the staue

"Well Ryuuga remember Ldrago who i said not to use? well i recently was given a message by him it seems that Narga is in a rage again..."

"Then why did you ask for Ginga then?"Ryuuga asked

"Well Narga can't be calmed down by anyone an aura reader is the only one that can do it." it replied

"Whats a aura reader Red Sky?"Ryuuga now confused asked the statue asked

"An aura reader can read aura the feelings of Beyblades and Bladers alike and Narga was the first and strongest beyblade ever and he must not be destroyed Ldrago tried to calm he master down unfortunately he failed. "It continued

"Ryuuga It was not your fault that Ldrago try to kill you he temporally loses his self-control and goes nuts. you remember how you where tricked in to using him"

"All i wanted was to find a cure for my little brother he's very ill"Ryuuga started crying

"Ryuuga i understand your reasons you just wanted to help him didn't you ?"Ginga then passed a tissue to Ryuuga

"Ryuuga put your hand in my mouth" the statue asked

"OK?"Ryuuga then put his hand in statue's mouth and pulled out a Beyblade

"That's myself Red Sky Dragon you need me Ryuuga so please use me " it asked

"I shall then!" Ryuuga then showed Ginga the way out back outside then he asked "Can i come with you?"

"Your welcome to so lets go!" Ginga accepted

"Thank you Ginga!" Ryuuga then smiled

End Chapter 5
Jun. 26, 2011  4:39 PM
 
STOP! Space out how often you post, so you can build suspense for each chapter. Otherwise, you'll never get any fans!
Jun. 26, 2011  4:42 PM
 
Ok i shall then anyways im still writing chapter 6 anyway
Jun. 27, 2011  6:36 AM
 
Sorry about the Double post but here's the next chapter
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Chapter 6 Hurricane Pantra VS Rock Leone Wild and windy battle ahead!

After that expince ealier Ryuuga and Ginga walked back to Suika's house thorth the nearby forest. Ryuuga then stopped asked

"why are you being so nice to me Ginga?"then Ryuuga picked up his pace to chatch up to Ginga who was still thinking about the earlier events
Ginga then stopped and Sighed then said

"I didn't know You had a little brother Ryuuga and that he is very sick, whats his name? " he then stared walking again

Ryuuga Then pulled out a picture from his pocket, then showed Ryuuga and his little brother
"His name's Ryan he may be my half brother but i love him." Ginga looked at the picture, Ryuuga was standind behind his half-brother Ryan who was in a wheelchair.

Ginga felt a tear come to his eyes "If only you had told me, I would of helped you Ryuuga" and with that they continued walking until They saw the group heading to Windy tower. Ryuuga and Ginga picked up their pace to chatch up, when they got there Sora filled them in

"Kyoya has challeged Suika to a Beybattle and where heading to Windy tower now, and why is Ryuuga with you?"

Ginga then said "Ryuuga was the one who sent the letter." When they got to Windy tower the group climded the 100,000 steps to get to the top. Then Kyoya and Suika took
there positions beside the staidim.

"OK 3..."Suika then said

"2..."The whole Group then shouted over the strong winds that the tower was known for

"1... let it rip!"Kyoya and Suika then launched their beys in to the stadim, almost imdlitly Kyoya who had watched Ginga's and Suika's battle the other day called out to Rock Leone.

"Leone lets get this party started. Use Lion gale force wall!" Rock Leone then gattered up the near by wind to make a massive tornado in the center of the stadim
Suika just sighed and said

"I have more than one style of battling Kyoya, now Hurricane Pantra! Rain dance! " and with that Hurricane pantra Glowed a faint yellow as rain clouds gathered in the skies above

Ginga then commeted "How is Hurricane pantra making it rain!" then much to his surrpirse he was given his anser.

"Anythings possible in a beybattle Ginga." Ginga then looked behind himself to see Ryo standing behind him.

"Dad! don't do that!" Ginga then sighed

"OK i woun't then anyway who battling Kyoya?" Ryo asked then he sat down

"He battling Suika and Hurricane pantra."Ginga responed to the Question that had been asked and with that it begain raining. Then red sky dragon diced to commnent on the subject

"I guess Hurricane pantra is doing ok." Ryuuga then pulled Red Sky dragon from his pocket, Ryo then looked at Red sky dragon and said.

"How can it speak?"Ryuuga Then put Red sky in his pocket, then contuined to watch the battle. It seemed that Rock leone was winning but Suika had other plans

"Hurricane pantra speacial move vacuum pulse!"Hurricane pantra then sent out a enengy wave that sent Rock leone stairght out of the stadim. Kyoya then gasped at the fact that he lost to a girl. Ginga, Ryuuga and Sora ran up to Suika to give their commnets about the battle.

Ginga said "One of the best battles i've ever seen!"

Ryuuga who was shocked that she had a tie agaist Ginga said "Your quite something Suika."

Sora then Jumped up i the air and shouted "That was great Suika! " Repeting it a cople of times

Then giggling everyone went back to Suika's house.

end chapter 6
Jun. 27, 2011  7:06 AM
 
Cool, keep it up
Jun. 27, 2011  10:59 AM
 
Improved, but can be better,
like describing what does ryuuga does,like when he said that Ryan may be his half-brother but he still love him,his sound seemed to be crying.
(But does Ryuuga ever loved anybody?He seems to be a destroyer......and he should be cool......)
also, most of the commas are disappeared.
Jun. 27, 2011  7:56 PM
 
.
Jun. 27, 2011  10:59 PM
 
(Jun. 27, 2011  6:36 AM)ShineHunter Wrote: Sorry about the Double post but here's the next chapter

Did you read to a word I typed? Just space out when you update. And by space out, I mean a few days or so. Even if you write the next chapter, that doesn't mean you have to post it. Copy it and paste it onto a word document, wait a few days, then paste it back onto a post and post it.
Jul. 02, 2011  10:46 AM
 
Well did i wait long enough now? So here it is!
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Chapter 7 The battle train Master, Seth and Frost hereon

After yesterday's battle Suika woke up the group early. She quietly creeped up the stairs and opened the door, and then using a tuba woke them all up and all of them gave disgruntled comments.
Ginga fell out of the bed and Shouted "A Tuba now?"then stood up and wobbled out the room. Masamune yawned and said with a sigh. "Why don't you get a alarm clock?"Ryuuga just went back to sleep. Then before the comments turned to insults, Suika gave her reason for waking them up early."I guess you don't want to go to a competition then!" and with that the complaining stoped, Suika then continued "Well today's the battle train and since im not going to be entering as i don't fell very well today, so you might want to go." She then walked out the room. Hyoma then asked Ginga a question

"Isn't your brother Seth the battle train master?"

Ginga smiled and said

"He is the battle train master. I've haven't seen him in years!" Then they all departed to go to the battle train.

At the battle train...

When the Group arrived the area was backed with hundreds of bladers form all over Japan. Shortly after arriving some off Suika friends ran up to her. The smaller boy shouted "Where Here to!" Then the Girl who was about the same height Said "Suika! Don't forget about us!" Suika then turned around to see her two freinds and greeted them.

"Jessie! Elenna! Takai! I didn't know that you be here!"The three bladers then walked up to Ginga each the introduced them self's to the group Elenna went first.

"Im Elenna nice to meet you everyone! " She then smiled much to the others dismay, Takai then walked up and shakes Ginga's hand and said.

"HI my name's Takai!"He then stopped Elenna from making a fool of herself , Jessie after watching the two argue she then looked at kyoya and said.

"Well my name's Jessie!" Shortly after that the Battle train began. Ginga, Masamune, Sora and Hyoma went on the first train, Kyoya, Daisy, Tsubasa and Jessie went on the next one and one the final train Takai, Elenna, Kovu , Kenta and Yuu. All except Sora, Masamune, Hyoma, Kovu, Kyoya , Kenta and Yuu got to the Semi-finals. Takai was wasn't gonna go down without fight with Ocean Siren , Elenna with Light Valkyrie had been beaten by Ginga as for Ryuuga Just before they got to the battle train Ginga and Kyoya tied him to a tree , Tsubasa and Jessie battle had ended in a tie due to mistiming on Jessie and Sky falcon's behalf. Each round had finished and now there's only one battle left The Battle train master Seth and Ginga to battle to decide the winner. With That they took there positions each side of the stadium and then the began.

"3..."Ginga then Smiled at Seth.

"2..."Seth Just Kept Quiet at Ginga's smile at him.

"1...Let It Rip!" and with that they shoot there beyblades into the stadium

"Frost Herron Use Hail!"Seth then gently nodded at Frost Herron which is now making hailstones hit Galaxy Pegasus.

"Galaxy Pegasus use tornado wing to blow the hailstones away!"Ginga Shouted while shivering. Galaxy Pegasus span around the stadium creating strong winds to blow the hailstones away from itself.

"Frost Herron Icicle spear!"Seth grinned while frost herron sent out shards of ice towards galaxy Pegasus. Galaxy Pegasus narrowly dogged the attack by hiding behind the hailstones that were left in the stadium from earlier on

"Pegasus use Stormbringer!" Ginga Shouted and with that Galaxy Pegasus span at higher speed than before to create blue flames and riding the updraft using a vacuum to strike the underside of Frost Herron sending it into the wall nearby and with that Ginga won the battle. Seth walked up to the wall and pulled out Frost herron out, and then walked up to Ginga and Said with a smile.

"Well Ginga I'll would have never had thought that you should become stronger than your older brother!" Ginga then ran up to his older brother and hugged him then said.

"I've missed you Seth"Ginga then started to cry.

"I have missed you to Ginga." He to begins to cry as well
Jul. 02, 2011  3:41 PM
 
Don't the characters have feelings?
I can't see what did they feel between their words.
Also, is there any difficulties to type the comma button?
Jul. 02, 2011  5:02 PM
 
Yes, you waited long enough. And if you want to know, your writing has improved Joyful_2.

Your story seems to flow better now, but I don't see any descriptions. MAke sure you talk about those Japanese bladers. Were they exited? Scared? Nervous? These things don't seem to be big, but they can improve the quality of your story.
Jul. 02, 2011  5:10 PM
 
(Jul. 02, 2011  3:41 PM)Meteo LDrago Wrote: Don't the characters have feelings?
I can't see what did they feel between their words.
Also, is there any difficulties to type the comma button?
The comma button has a habit of jamming on me (poor me!)and thank you Sparta for the compliment and any questions about The Rising Shadow just ask and i shall answer them.
Jul. 06, 2011  5:04 PM
 
Well in this chapter things in the show that are not explained will be explained by how i think it or something happened and yep that is haraka upepo what means as far as i know in Swahili.
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chapter 8 Battle of wills Galaxy pegasus vs Counter Leone

When everyone got back from the compition one very happy Ginga went to Kovu and asked "Kovu does your name mean anything? I know that mine means galaxy!" Kovu was surrprised a the question due to the fact that he had never been asked before, he then gave a smile and aswered"Ginga my name is swahili mean Scar I prodly got the name Kovu due to my scar shaped birthmark on my left eye, so here's my quesiton back. Why do you have that mark on your nose?"Kovu was now very curious about it, Ginga then sat on the grass below and aswered happily

"It's a birthmark too as far as i know so in a way where the same Kovu. nobody had asked before."Ginga then layed down on the Grass and looked at the nearby tree, the tree seemed very young it had only started blossming that year. Kovu then also layed on the grass and replied "Where smilar but not the same and if your wondering about the tree it's the same age as Suika and it very specail to her." Ginga who was now courios to also asked

"Why is that tree specail to her?" Kovu then sighed and sadly replied

"That's something you should ask Suika, Ginga."Kovu then closed his eyes at his the thourgth. Ginga then sat up and brushed of the grass on his back with slight annoyce and said

"Do you mind aswsering this quistion for me? How did Kyoya get his marks below his eye's whenever I've asked him he would not aswerer my quistion?"Kovu then stood up then he sadly said

"Me and Kyoya where being foolish and where playing with lion cubs when the mother came back she attacked Kyoya. He was very luck not to be killed by the lioness."Ginga then started crying sadned even more he asked what's was worng to Ginga he then replied.

"Poor Kyoya now i know why he didn't talk about it" Ginga then whiped a tear from his eye's Kovu then changed the suject

"Ginga do you want a Beybattle Ginga?" He then jumped up a good three feet in the air. Ginga then did the same and said

"Yes why wouldnt i!"He and Kovu ran to windy tower

At windy tower...

When Ginga and Kovu climed to the top they both took there possions at both sides of the stadium.

"3..."Ginga then smiled at Kovu

"2..."Kovu then smiled back at Ginga

"1....let it rip!"They both shouted over the harsh winds

Back at Suika's house....

Kenta had ran around the house looking for Ginga he eventrally went to ask Seth. He replied with this "Ginga and Kovu went to Windy tower for a beybattle don't worry i saw the whole thing"Seth and Kenta the started runing to windy tower.

while back at windy tower....

Ginga had shoouted"Galaxy pegasus! douge it!"Galaxy Pegasus then douged an incoming blast of air in which Ginga had to douge as well, Kovu then gave a happy chukle at Ginga and said to pick the battle up again.

"Counter Leone! use haraka upepo"Counter then started to sent out blasts of air towards Galaxy Pegasus then...

"Ginga use stormbringer!"It was Kenta who was now out of breath from running up the tower. In dissbeileaf Ginga turned quickly to look at Kenta and Seth then turned back to the battle. Ginga then asked to kovu

"What does haraka upepo mean in the first place? " kovu then looked at ginga and happliy said

"It means fast wind in swahili Ginga."Getting what Kovu meant Ginga finaliy made a move

"Galaxy pegasus! Use Stormbringer!"Galaxy pegasus the span around the stadium at speeds that easliy went the speed of sound thrn lifted up Counter Leone to strike from below, Ginga had won the battle and with that Seth and Kenta ran to Ginga and Kenta happliy Shouted "Ginga that was Great!" Seth then gave a happy smile and said

"That was great to see Ginga." Then the wind picked up and a sonud could be heard. It was hard to make out but the soulded like someone talking like this.

"Ginga go.....sky......please.....us.....I.......be able.....to....you."not much else could be heard of the of the voice, Kovu then asked

"Eh... lets go back to Suika's house before things get even weirder today" and with that they all ran down the stairs.

end chapter 8
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who do you think was the voice who said that one things for sure it was a beyblade but not Red Sky Dragon as he was not there at the time.
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