(Apr. 18, 2021  5:31 AM)tenma Wrote: Prologue

Spoiler (Click to View)

With a single blow of that iron shortsword, the target doll fell onto the ground with a pretty loud ‘thud’ noise.

“Woohoo! Didcha’ see that Naru? I’m the strongest swordsman there ever is! I’m an unstoppable being!” A redhead cheered out, swinging his iron shortsword recklessly and then laughing full of victory. Just right beside him is a bluenette known as Naru – his little sister. She was accompanying her big brother training, albeit to her, it only seems like some kind of a game. She thinks that his brother isn’t seriously training at all.

That loud redhead is Aiga Akaba. He might seem like a usually loud, happy-go-lucky kid at a first glance – nothing special at all. He lives in a small village near a forest with his little sister and his parents; His mother – Kanna – being a talented archmage with healing abilities, and his father – Taiga – being a retired swordsman who is working as a blacksmith. Without his knowledge, however, he turns out to be a direct descendant of the legendary warrior Achilles.

“Aren’t you a bit tired from your game?” Naru asked with a somewhat tired voice, yawning.

“What do you mean by ‘game’ Naru? This is training!” Aiga answered, with a surprised and and upset tone. He perhaps felt a little upset after Naru called his ‘training’ a game.

“To come and think of it, I can say that I’m a little worn out…maybe? I’m going to take some fresh air by strolling around in the forest. Wanna’ come along?” Aiga said as his body made a ‘person thinking’ gesture.

“No, I think. I’m going to feed the sheeps instead.” Naru refused as she stood and stretched her body. She walked a few steps towards the sheeps’ stable, but then she turned her body.

“Isn’t it a little late to go out? It’s half past four in the afternoon…” Naru asked, with a little tone of worry in her words.

“Nope! Not late at all – at least for me. Tell mom I’m goin’ kay’?” Aiga cheerfully responded, earning a wide smile from Naru.

“Okay then! Take care, Aiga-nii!” Naru happily waved her hand at Aiga who proceeds to dissapear little by little into the forest. After saying goodbyes, Naru proceeded to walk towards the sheeps’ stable and she continued what she was going to do earlier – feeding the sheeps.

-

“Hey, seriously! No one here? Helloo!!” A somewhat worried shouting came from the depths of the forest, scaring some birds away. A familiar bluenette with a gold hairband curved perfectly on his hair looked a bit lost. He probably had walked for hours, he forgot when is the last time he saw houses.

“Seriously, no one? I’m tired…” The bluenette’s walking pace began to get slower and slower as he grew even more tired. A bright blue scabbard can be seen hanging on his back, along with a backpack. After muttering for a while, he pulled a broadsword off the scabbard and a beautiful silver broadsword with deep blue and yellow accent gleamed softly under the shadow of the leaves of the trees around
.
“Mighty broadsword of Valkyrie, lend me your power, show me the way!” The bluenette squinted his eyes and said the words with a full focus.
One second, two seconds, three seconds. Nothing happened.

Four seconds, the sword lightly gleamed, and it proceeded to get brighter each second. The sword shaked lightly, but then it stopped, and the gleam it bears gets dimmer.

“Hey! What’s going on? What’s wrong?” Just as the bluenette spoke, he heard a loud rustle of the leaves and the branches from the tree behind him. He quickly turned his head at the direction of the noise and made a defensive pose by holding his broadsword with both of his hands, in front of him.
The loud rustling noise moved from its former place to another, leaving the bluenette a bit troubled. It didn’t change his defensive position, but it required him to change his standing position for every few seconds.

“H-halt! Who goes there?” He stuttered a little by the start of his question, but he still wants to know who – or what – is the reason behind the loud rustling. Its definitely not because of an animal, its too loud to come from one.

“Show yourself! I’m not afraid!” The bluenette said louder, brushing off his fear. He, unfortunately, is a little off-guard and his broadsword got taken quickly from above. It surprised him and caused him to fall down on his back. He got up and adjusted himself – he got a little dizzy after the fall – and his eyes began searching for whoever did it. Now he is very certain that whatever – or whoever – is in that rustling leaves are not an animal. If it is, however, the most possible animal must’ve been a monkey.

His eyes caught something. It was a human-like figure hanging from vines and jumping from one branch to another. From a distance, it can be seen that whatever that figure is, it is holding an item that softly shined – the bluenette is certain that it is his broadsword it is holding.

“I-it’s a monkey! Give me back my broadsword!” The bluenette commanded, a little freaked out by the fact that a ‘monkey’ stole his broadsword. His eyes keenly followed the direction the ‘monkey’ jumped to here and there. After a few seconds, the ‘monkey’ dissapeared from the bluenette’s sight.

“Where’d it go? This is bad…” The bluenette thought as he squinted his eyes. Just as he opened his eyes, an angry figure stood right in front of him, freaking him out. He backed a little and nearly fell down.

“Woah! Don’t freak people out like that!” The bluenette said as he walked back. Turns out, the figure in front of him was holding his broadsword.

“YOU’RE freaking me out. I’m not a monkey, bluehead.” The figure grumbled angrily, crossing his arms.

“I have a name, you know. You may call me Aiga.” The figure – who turned out to be Aiga – grumbled, pointing his thumb at himself. A puff of hot air puffed out from his nostrils. The bluenette analyzed Aiga top-to-toe. When he finished, he looked like he’s just realized something.

“Your broadsword? Here. It looks strong, but its heavy. Therefore, I can’t and won’t make any good use of it.” Before the bluenette can say anything, Aiga handed him the broadsword back, as if reading his mind. The bluenette smiled lightly, thanking Aiga.

“What are you doing anyway, inside of a forest all alone like this? Oh, and also, who are you? I’ve never seen someone like you before.” Aiga inquired many questions at a time, with a suspicious tone over his words. The bluenette sighed and laughed nervously before beginning to talk.

“I’m Aoi Valt, and I’m looking for a blacksmith named Akaba Taiga. Do you know him by any chance?” Valt asked as he pulled out his scabbard and stored his broadsword back inside. Aiga raised both of his eyebrows, then putting it back to their normal state. His face went back neutral.

“Follow me.” He said wordlessly, leading Valt to an upward hill.

“The one who got up first wins!” Aiga said suddenly, picking up his running pace. He ran up the hill almost leaving Valt behind.

“Hey, that’s not fair!” Valt protested, picking up a pace as well, chasing Aiga from behind him. He almost caught up with the redhead’s speed, but he’s still left behind by a few steps.

To be continued.

dangitdarnit, I just realized how messy the spacings are ;-; I wrote in word. Maybe that's why?

(Apr. 18, 2021  5:44 AM)i\m batman Wrote:

(Apr. 18, 2021  5:31 AM)tenma Wrote: Prologue

Spoiler (Click to View)

With a single blow of that iron shortsword, the target doll fell onto the ground with a pretty loud ‘thud’ noise.

“Woohoo! Didcha’ see that Naru? I’m the strongest swordsman there ever is! I’m an unstoppable being!” A redhead cheered out, swinging his iron shortsword recklessly and then laughing full of victory. Just right beside him is a bluenette known as Naru – his little sister. She was accompanying her big brother training, albeit to her, it only seems like some kind of a game. She thinks that his brother isn’t seriously training at all.

That loud redhead is Aiga Akaba. He might seem like a usually loud, happy-go-lucky kid at a first glance – nothing special at all. He lives in a small village near a forest with his little sister and his parents; His mother – Kanna – being a talented archmage with healing abilities, and his father – Taiga – being a retired swordsman who is working as a blacksmith. Without his knowledge, however, he turns out to be a direct descendant of the legendary warrior Achilles.

“Aren’t you a bit tired from your game?” Naru asked with a somewhat tired voice, yawning.

“What do you mean by ‘game’ Naru? This is training!” Aiga answered, with a surprised and and upset tone. He perhaps felt a little upset after Naru called his ‘training’ a game.

“To come and think of it, I can say that I’m a little worn out…maybe? I’m going to take some fresh air by strolling around in the forest. Wanna’ come along?” Aiga said as his body made a ‘person thinking’ gesture.

“No, I think. I’m going to feed the sheeps instead.” Naru refused as she stood and stretched her body. She walked a few steps towards the sheeps’ stable, but then she turned her body.

“Isn’t it a little late to go out? It’s half past four in the afternoon…” Naru asked, with a little tone of worry in her words.

“Nope! Not late at all – at least for me. Tell mom I’m goin’ kay’?” Aiga cheerfully responded, earning a wide smile from Naru.

“Okay then! Take care, Aiga-nii!” Naru happily waved her hand at Aiga who proceeds to dissapear little by little into the forest. After saying goodbyes, Naru proceeded to walk towards the sheeps’ stable and she continued what she was going to do earlier – feeding the sheeps.

-

“Hey, seriously! No one here? Helloo!!” A somewhat worried shouting came from the depths of the forest, scaring some birds away. A familiar bluenette with a gold hairband curved perfectly on his hair looked a bit lost. He probably had walked for hours, he forgot when is the last time he saw houses.

“Seriously, no one? I’m tired…” The bluenette’s walking pace began to get slower and slower as he grew even more tired. A bright blue scabbard can be seen hanging on his back, along with a backpack. After muttering for a while, he pulled a broadsword off the scabbard and a beautiful silver broadsword with deep blue and yellow accent gleamed softly under the shadow of the leaves of the trees around
.
“Mighty broadsword of Valkyrie, lend me your power, show me the way!” The bluenette squinted his eyes and said the words with a full focus.
One second, two seconds, three seconds. Nothing happened.

Four seconds, the sword lightly gleamed, and it proceeded to get brighter each second. The sword shaked lightly, but then it stopped, and the gleam it bears gets dimmer.

“Hey! What’s going on? What’s wrong?” Just as the bluenette spoke, he heard a loud rustle of the leaves and the branches from the tree behind him. He quickly turned his head at the direction of the noise and made a defensive pose by holding his broadsword with both of his hands, in front of him.
The loud rustling noise moved from its former place to another, leaving the bluenette a bit troubled. It didn’t change his defensive position, but it required him to change his standing position for every few seconds.

“H-halt! Who goes there?” He stuttered a little by the start of his question, but he still wants to know who – or what – is the reason behind the loud rustling. Its definitely not because of an animal, its too loud to come from one.

“Show yourself! I’m not afraid!” The bluenette said louder, brushing off his fear. He, unfortunately, is a little off-guard and his broadsword got taken quickly from above. It surprised him and caused him to fall down on his back. He got up and adjusted himself – he got a little dizzy after the fall – and his eyes began searching for whoever did it. Now he is very certain that whatever – or whoever – is in that rustling leaves are not an animal. If it is, however, the most possible animal must’ve been a monkey.

His eyes caught something. It was a human-like figure hanging from vines and jumping from one branch to another. From a distance, it can be seen that whatever that figure is, it is holding an item that softly shined – the bluenette is certain that it is his broadsword it is holding.

“I-it’s a monkey! Give me back my broadsword!” The bluenette commanded, a little freaked out by the fact that a ‘monkey’ stole his broadsword. His eyes keenly followed the direction the ‘monkey’ jumped to here and there. After a few seconds, the ‘monkey’ dissapeared from the bluenette’s sight.

“Where’d it go? This is bad…” The bluenette thought as he squinted his eyes. Just as he opened his eyes, an angry figure stood right in front of him, freaking him out. He backed a little and nearly fell down.

“Woah! Don’t freak people out like that!” The bluenette said as he walked back. Turns out, the figure in front of him was holding his broadsword.

“YOU’RE freaking me out. I’m not a monkey, bluehead.” The figure grumbled angrily, crossing his arms.

“I have a name, you know. You may call me Aiga.” The figure – who turned out to be Aiga – grumbled, pointing his thumb at himself. A puff of hot air puffed out from his nostrils. The bluenette analyzed Aiga top-to-toe. When he finished, he looked like he’s just realized something.

“Your broadsword? Here. It looks strong, but its heavy. Therefore, I can’t and won’t make any good use of it.” Before the bluenette can say anything, Aiga handed him the broadsword back, as if reading his mind. The bluenette smiled lightly, thanking Aiga.

“What are you doing anyway, inside of a forest all alone like this? Oh, and also, who are you? I’ve never seen someone like you before.” Aiga inquired many questions at a time, with a suspicious tone over his words. The bluenette sighed and laughed nervously before beginning to talk.

“I’m Aoi Valt, and I’m looking for a blacksmith named Akaba Taiga. Do you know him by any chance?” Valt asked as he pulled out his scabbard and stored his broadsword back inside. Aiga raised both of his eyebrows, then putting it back to their normal state. His face went back neutral.

“Follow me.” He said wordlessly, leading Valt to an upward hill.

“The one who got up first wins!” Aiga said suddenly, picking up his running pace. He ran up the hill almost leaving Valt behind.

“Hey, that’s not fair!” Valt protested, picking up a pace as well, chasing Aiga from behind him. He almost caught up with the redhead’s speed, but he’s still left behind by a few steps.

To be continued.

dangitdarnit, I just realized how messy the spacings are ;-; I wrote in word. Maybe that's why?

So you're basically following the Cho-Z/Turbo plot and replacing Beyblades with a medieval fantasy setting? Nice!

(Apr. 18, 2021  4:56 PM)Pixi Wrote: you kept the best part of choz episode 1

Spoiler (Click to View)

hey! your 👉 the monkey i ⏪💥 saw before! 🐝🕰

(May. 19, 2021  9:46 PM)Ryuga\s Son Wrote:

(Apr. 18, 2021  4:56 PM)Pixi Wrote: you kept the best part of choz episode 1

Spoiler (Click to View)

hey! your 👉 the monkey i ⏪💥 saw before! 🐝🕰

Whenever I see your pfp, I cringe hard. But this post added to the cringe lol.

(May. 21, 2021  10:28 AM)PinkRose Wrote: Waaaaaaaaaiiiiit a minute....he didn't deny the 'friend' description? Who are you and what have you done to Aiga Akaba?!!
Jokes aside tho, this is pretty sweet, so have a quick rating:

Plot: 5/5. Still at the very beginning, but we learn some stuff about the world they live in which is cool.
Dialogue: 5/5. No complaints here, the dialogue is pretty smooth.
Characterization: 4.5/5. You lost the half point because there isn't enough tsundere energy here (jk lol).
Grammar: 3.5/5. There's a bit of inconsistency with tenses (keeps alternating between past and present), and a couple spelling errors here and there, but that's about it.

Final Rating: 18/20. Nice start, I like this so far! Looking forward to what's coming next (whenever it may be XD)

(Jun. 23, 2021  9:27 AM)tenma Wrote: Some stuff that are related to the world-building of this fic (WIP, Will be updated)


Beigoma
Beigoma is the region where the story takes place. It is believed that this place has been standing for more than ten centuries. An unknown hero is said to have protected the land by covering it with a mysterious veil imbued with magical powers that locks away all sorts of black magics and bad deeds. As time passes, however, the power of the veil weakens, drawing more and more forbidden powers in.

--Central Beigoma
The busiest place in Beigoma and the business central as well. This place has the most inhabitants and has a lot of complementary areas, such as the market, bread shop, confection factory etc.

--Central Market
A place that sells everyday needs. In some places of this big market, there are small restaurants that serves a variety of food.

--Confection Factory
Despite the name of this place only including the word confection, this place is actually the producer to most foods available in the Beigoma region.

--Abandoned Factory
No one knows why this building is abandoned before it's even fully built. It has became a base to little criminal organizations or street jerks.


Clematis Field
A Field infused with mysterious powers, and is the location of the two great towers of Beigoma; The Sacred Flame Tower and The Mirage Tower. The name "Clematis" is derived from the Clematis flowers that grew all over the field, making the field appears to be dull purple. Around these areas, only little people live - mostly mages in training. The Clematis flowers growing in the Clematis Fields are different from the usual Clematises that grew in other places - Due to the mysterious radiation of the Mirage Tower, these Clematises are believed to hold a strange power. These powers are believed to keep away people and other creatures that holds bad deeds and intentions in their hearts.

--Mirage Tower
The Mirage Tower is a very tall tower that stands alone in the middle of Clematis field. This tower is believed to radiate a special magic radiation that manipulates everything around it. Once in a while, you can see the areas around the Mirage Tower distorting due to it's very strong radiation.

--Sacred Flame Tower
A tower that is the home to the Sacred White Flame, an flame that is said to be the source of all powers of the world. Some said that the flame can't be unlit. This flame is highly hunted by mages to make them unstoppable in terms of power. However, those who tried to approach the tower is said to never come back because of the severe trial they must go through in order to reach the Sacred Flame Chamber.


Dread Plateau
A lone plateau in the very edge of Beigoma that is the home to Dread Tower, an abandoned tower where dark magic users were once abundant. This plateau were once used by forbidden power users as a hideout, but then the whole plateau is combed and the forbidden power users were banished. Currently, no inhabitants lived there. All that's left is a plateau full of dark clouds and dead tall grasses, with a tall tower standing in the middle.

--Dread Tower
A Tower that was once used by a couple of people to study forbidden powers. This tower is now abandoned. It is unknown whether the rumors about there are still a couple of inhabitants living here is true or not, but some people do really believe it to the point that they even go to the tower themselves to prove it, only to never come back anymore.

(Jun. 23, 2021  9:52 AM)i'm batman Wrote:

(Jun. 23, 2021  9:27 AM)tenma Wrote: Some stuff that are related to the world-building of this fic (WIP, Will be updated)


Beigoma
Beigoma is the region where the story takes place. It is believed that this place has been standing for more than ten centuries. An unknown hero is said to have protected the land by covering it with a mysterious veil imbued with magical powers that locks away all sorts of black magics and bad deeds. As time passes, however, the power of the veil weakens, drawing more and more forbidden powers in.

--Central Beigoma
The busiest place in Beigoma and the business central as well. This place has the most inhabitants and has a lot of complementary areas, such as the market, bread shop, confection factory etc.

--Central Market
A place that sells everyday needs. In some places of this big market, there are small restaurants that serves a variety of food.

--Confection Factory
Despite the name of this place only including the word confection, this place is actually the producer to most foods available in the Beigoma region.

--Abandoned Factory
No one knows why this building is abandoned before it's even fully built. It has became a base to little criminal organizations or street jerks.


Clematis Field
A Field infused with mysterious powers, and is the location of the two great towers of Beigoma; The Sacred Flame Tower and The Mirage Tower. The name "Clematis" is derived from the Clematis flowers that grew all over the field, making the field appears to be dull purple. Around these areas, only little people live - mostly mages in training. The Clematis flowers growing in the Clematis Fields are different from the usual Clematises that grew in other places - Due to the mysterious radiation of the Mirage Tower, these Clematises are believed to hold a strange power. These powers are believed to keep away people and other creatures that holds bad deeds and intentions in their hearts.

--Mirage Tower
The Mirage Tower is a very tall tower that stands alone in the middle of Clematis field. This tower is believed to radiate a special magic radiation that manipulates everything around it. Once in a while, you can see the areas around the Mirage Tower distorting due to it's very strong radiation.

--Sacred Flame Tower
A tower that is the home to the Sacred White Flame, an flame that is said to be the source of all powers of the world. Some said that the flame can't be unlit. This flame is highly hunted by mages to make them unstoppable in terms of power. However, those who tried to approach the tower is said to never come back because of the severe trial they must go through in order to reach the Sacred Flame Chamber.


Dread Plateau
A lone plateau in the very edge of Beigoma that is the home to Dread Tower, an abandoned tower where dark magic users were once abundant. This plateau were once used by forbidden power users as a hideout, but then the whole plateau is combed and the forbidden power users were banished. Currently, no inhabitants lived there. All that's left is a plateau full of dark clouds and dead tall grasses, with a tall tower standing in the middle.

--Dread Tower
A Tower that was once used by a couple of people to study forbidden powers. This tower is now abandoned. It is unknown whether the rumors about there are still a couple of inhabitants living here is true or not, but some people do really believe it to the point that they even go to the tower themselves to prove it, only to never come back anymore.

Eep, Hearts and Phi seem creepy. And idk why, but Mirage Tower and Sacred Flame Tower remind me of Free and Shu respectively.