RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu (Character Contest) - UnseenBurst - Jun. 30, 2021
Chapter 10 is out (This chapter is important for the rest of the story so I recommend you read it)
Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu
Chapter 10
Trust In Poseidon!!!
Pam: Go Doomsizer!!
(Doomsizer hits Ridley off-balanced)
Possessed Raina: RIDLEY!!!
(Raina’s Resonance Aura flares up)
Raina: Pirate Rush!!
(Ridley’s avatar’s sword slashes Doomsizer in the middle, Doomsizer starts cracking then breaks)
All: *Gasps*
Pam: No.
Possessed Raina: YES, I’M INVINCIBLE!!!
(Pam’s expression turns depressed)
Pam: No.
(Raina blacks out)
Valt (Thoughts): I can’t believe it. Her power is scary and dangerous.
(Pam pushes Doomsizer’s parts together)
Pam: Doomsizer…
(Pam goes and sits on the bench in shock looking at Doomsizer)
Me: Pam..
Pam: Don’t worry about me, just beat Valt.
Valt: I’ll battle you in a bit, just give me some time.
(Valt goes in the on top of the roof)
Aiden: Wonder what Valt’s doing?
(Aiden tries running after Valt but I stop him)
Me: If Valt wanted us to know what he was doing he would do it here, let’s give him some time to himself.
~On The Top Of The Roof~
(Valt calls someone on his phone)
Valt: Hey, I’ve noticed that Percy’s friend Raina, has quite a Resonance and I knew you could help me.
???: Have you told her?
Valt: She wouldn’t listen, Aiger didn’t when you tried.
???: If someone she can trust tells her then maybe…
Valt: You’re right, I’ll talk to Percy, thanks. Shu.
Shu: No problem.
(Shu hangs up)
Valt: Well, guess I’m battling Percy now.
~Back Inside The Warehouse~
Raina: Battling you was so much fun!!
Pam: Yeah, fun.
(Pam shoves Doomsizer’s 2 fragments deep inside his pocket)
(Valt runs in through the door)
Valt: Yo, Percy let’s battle!!
Hanami: Our wonder boy runs in!!
Valt: Hanami?
Hanami: Percy told us about this match and said it was going to be awesome!! So I decided to come to do commentary here!!
Me: And we’re already live!!
Valt: Alright, don’t think you’re getting off easy though!!
(Valt holds Valtryek up)
Me: Poseidon is winning this!!
(I hold Poseidon up)
Raina: First battle!! Ready? Set!
All: 3! 2! 1!
Valt/Me: Let it rip!!
(Valt and I pull of Beyjitzu Launches)
Hanami: Amazing Beyjitzu Launches right out of the gate!!
Valt: Rush Launch!!
(Valtryek rushes a strike at Poseidon, Poseidon gets sent flying sky high)
Hanami: Poseidon is sent flying up in the air!!
Me: Hang in there!!
(Poseidon starts flashing blue as it falls back to the stadium)
Valt: *Gasps*
(Poseidon leans on its driver and speeds up)
Me: Hydro Striker!!
(Valtryek gets sent flying in the air)
Hanami: Now it’s Valtryek’s turn to take a ride in the sky!!
Valt: You’ve gotten stronger!!
Me: You think that’s all?!
(Valtryek lands on the stadium floor)
Valt: Valtryek!!
(Valt’s Resonance Aura flares up)
(Valtryek speeds up and heads straight for Poseidon)
Aiden: Dodge the move!! Counter attacking would be too reckless!!
Me/Poseidon: Reckless? That’s how we like it!! Poseidon!!
(My Resonance Aura flares up)
(My hair flares up and my eyes glow)
Valt: *Gasps*
Me: Hydro Jet!!
(Poseidon leans on it’s driver and speeds right into Valtryek)
(The whole stadium blows up)
Hanami: Electrifying!!
(Valtryek and Poseidon are sent flying, Valtryek burst right in front of Valt)
Me: *Gasps*
(Poseidon hits the ground)
Raina: It’s Hydro Poseidon with a burst finish!! The winner is Perceus Nakano!!
Hanami: It looks like luck was on Perseus’s side because he just burst Valtryek!!
Aiden/Pam: IT WAS NOT LUCK!!!
Hanami: Um, looks like Perseus has got skill!!
(Valt walks up to me)
Valt: Yo.
Me: *Gulps* Hey.
Valt: That was an awesome match!!
Me: I know right!!
~At BC Sol~
Free: Looks like he’s gotten stronger. I think I need to take him down a notch, do you, Illusion Fafnir?
(Fafnir glimmers in response)
~Back At The Warehouse~
(Valt climbs up to the roof of the Warehouse)
Valt (Thoughts): Man, battling him was awesome.
(I climb up to the roof)
Me: Hey.
Valt: Hey.
Me: So, you’re going back to Spain tomorrow?
Valt: Yup.
Me: What’s it like?
Valt: What do you mean?
Me: You’ve been battling all around the world, there must be super strong bladers out there.
Valt: Totally, bladers out in the world are super strong!!
Me: Man, that must be epic.
Valt: Do you wanna come to Spain with me tomorrow?
Me: Well.
(Poseidon glimmers in response)
Me: Sure.
???: Don’t think you’re leaving without us!!
(I look behind me)
Raina: You’re taking us with you!!
Pam: Yeah, we’re your friends, you're totally not leaving without us!!
(My eyes start tearing up)
Me: Well, you better start packing!!
Aiden/Pam/Raina: Yeah!!
(They get off the roof)
Valt: Hey, Percy.
Me: What?
Valt: I wanna talk about Raina.
Me: What about her?
Valt: Well… Never mind go get ready!!
(I run down the ladder)
Valt: Raina Reinhart. You’ve gotta be stopped.
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - GenesisBlader - Jun. 30, 2021
nice episode man!
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - UnseenBurst - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 5:47 PM)BladeKingX Wrote: nice episode man!
Thx what was ur fave part?
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - GenesisBlader - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 5:48 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: (Jun. 30, 2021 5:47 PM)BladeKingX Wrote: nice episode man!
Thx what was ur fave part?
favorite part had to be when perseus said Reckless?! Thats how we like it!
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - UnseenBurst - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 5:49 PM)BladeKingX Wrote: (Jun. 30, 2021 5:48 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: Thx what was ur fave part?
favorite part had to be when perseus said Reckless?! Thats how we like it!
LOL I added that part because I thought it would be cool
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - GenesisBlader - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 5:52 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: (Jun. 30, 2021 5:49 PM)BladeKingX Wrote: favorite part had to be when perseus said Reckless?! Thats how we like it!
LOL I added that part because I thought it would be cool
LOL alright
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - UnseenBurst - Jun. 30, 2021
Name: Perseus Nakano
Age: 11
Bey: Hydro Poseidon 1A' Flood
Personality: He acts tough but deep down he's really sensitive and only Poseidon knows this about him, he strives to beat all the Blading Legends and become a Legend himself.
What he looks like: He's got lime eyes and a short-sleeved hoodie he's 4'3
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - GenesisBlader - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 5:57 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: Name: Perseus Nakano
Age: 11
Bey: Hydro Perceus 1A' Flood
Personality: He acts tough but deep down he's really sensitive and only Poseidon knows this about him, he strives to beat all the Blading Legends and become a Legend himself.
What he looks like: He's got lime eyes and a short-sleeved hoodie he's 4'3
good to know!
(Jun. 30, 2021 6:17 PM)BladeKingX Wrote: (Jun. 30, 2021 5:57 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: Name: Perseus Nakano
Age: 11
Bey: Hydro Perceus 1A' Flood
Personality: He acts tough but deep down he's really sensitive and only Poseidon knows this about him, he strives to beat all the Blading Legends and become a Legend himself.
What he looks like: He's got lime eyes and a short-sleeved hoodie he's 4'3
good to know!
wait i thought his beyblade's name was hydro poseidon
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - LegendJustice - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 6:17 PM)BladeKingX Wrote: (Jun. 30, 2021 5:57 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: Name: Perseus Nakano
Age: 11
Bey: Hydro Perceus 1A' Flood
Personality: He acts tough but deep down he's really sensitive and only Poseidon knows this about him, he strives to beat all the Blading Legends and become a Legend himself.
What he looks like: He's got lime eyes and a short-sleeved hoodie he's 4'3
good to know!
(Jun. 30, 2021 6:17 PM)BladeKingX Wrote: good to know!
wait i thought his beyblade's name was hydro poseidon
True also why is perceus name his bey name
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - UnseenBurst - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 6:21 PM)LegendJustice Wrote: (Jun. 30, 2021 6:17 PM)BladeKingX Wrote: good to know!
wait i thought his beyblade's name was hydro poseidon
True also why is perceus name his bey name
What am I doing. thanks for catching that lemme edit
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - LegendJustice - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 6:22 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: (Jun. 30, 2021 6:21 PM)LegendJustice Wrote: True also why is perceus name his bey name
What am I doing. thanks for catching that lemme edit Np
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - UnseenBurst - Jun. 30, 2021
Anyone wanna rate my recent chapters?
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - LegendJustice - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 6:30 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: Anyone wanna rate my recent chapters?
Sure but can you rate mine?K
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - UnseenBurst - Jun. 30, 2021
11) Taking The World By Storm!!!
12) Upgrade!! Ultra Gear!!
13) Hyper Dragon!! Illustion Fafnir!!
14) Bey Of Harmony!! Peacebringer Pegasus!!
15) World Champions!! Heroic Valtryek!!
16) Spryzen Vs Spryzen!!
(Jun. 30, 2021 6:30 PM)LegendJustice Wrote: (Jun. 30, 2021 6:30 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: Anyone wanna rate my recent chapters?
Sure but can you rate mine?K
I'll rate yours if you rate mine
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - Hollowmind13 - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 6:30 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: Anyone wanna rate my recent chapters?
No, I have my reasons. But I can say that it was nice (question 0.5: Did Raina mind catched up with breaking a bey or she just forget that part while the possession finished?(Or she knew it but pretended to not? Would be cool to see a Raina vs [her bey] kinda thing later on, like, inside her mind)
Question: is Beyjitzu(?) A launcher system?
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - GenesisBlader - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 6:33 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: 11) Taking The World By Storm!!!
12) Upgrade!! Ultra Gear!!
13) Hyper Dragon!! Illustion Fafnir!!
14) Bey Of Harmony!! Peacebringer Pegasus!!
15) World Champions!! Heroic Valtryek!!
16) Spryzen Vs Spryzen!!
(Jun. 30, 2021 6:30 PM)LegendJustice Wrote: Sure but can you rate mine?K
I'll rate yours if you rate mine
i wonder who the other spryzen's owner is
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - UnseenBurst - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 6:40 PM)Hollowmind8 Wrote: (Jun. 30, 2021 6:30 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: Anyone wanna rate my recent chapters?
No, I have my reasons. But I can say that it was nice (question 0.5: Did Raina mind catched up with breaking a bey or she just forget that part while the possession finished?(Or she knew it but pretended to not? Would be cool to see a Raina vs [her bey] kinda thing later on)
Question: is Beyjitzu(?) A launcher system?
Ok so basically right after the battle Raina blacked out so she had no idea she broke Doomsizer and Pam kept it from her because Pam didn't want Raina to feel bad. And yes the Beyjitzu launcher is a launching system it's basically a sparking launcher except a tornado comes out (The color of the launcher) with electricity, I hope that answered you're question
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - LegendJustice - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 5:33 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: Chapter 10 is out (This chapter is important for the rest of the story so I recommend you read it)
Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu
Chapter 10
Trust In Poseidon!!!
Pam: Go Doomsizer!!
(Doomsizer hits Ridley off-balanced)
Possessed Raina: RIDLEY!!!
(Raina’s Resonance Aura flares up)
Raina: Pirate Rush!!
(Ridley’s avatar’s sword slashes Doomsizer in the middle, Doomsizer starts cracking then breaks)
All: *Gasps*
Pam: No.
Possessed Raina: YES, I’M INVINCIBLE!!!
(Pam’s expression turns depressed)
Pam: No.
(Raina blacks out)
Valt (Thoughts): I can’t believe it. Her power is scary and dangerous.
(Pam pushes Doomsizer’s parts together)
Pam: Doomsizer…
(Pam goes and sits on the bench in shock looking at Doomsizer)
Me: Pam..
Pam: Don’t worry about me, just beat Valt.
Valt: I’ll battle you in a bit, just give me some time.
(Valt goes in the on top of the roof)
Aiden: Wonder what Valt’s doing?
(Aiden tries running after Valt but I stop him)
Me: If Valt wanted us to know what he was doing he would do it here, let’s give him some time to himself.
~On The Top Of The Roof~
(Valt calls someone on his phone)
Valt: Hey, I’ve noticed that Percy’s friend Raina, has quite a Resonance and I knew you could help me.
???: Have you told her?
Valt: She wouldn’t listen, Aiger didn’t when you tried.
???: If someone she can trust tells her then maybe…
Valt: You’re right, I’ll talk to Percy, thanks. Shu.
Shu: No problem.
(Shu hangs up)
Valt: Well, guess I’m battling Percy now.
~Back Inside The Warehouse~
Raina: Battling you was so much fun!!
Pam: Yeah, fun.
(Pam shoves Doomsizer’s 2 fragments deep inside his pocket)
(Valt runs in through the door)
Valt: Yo, Percy let’s battle!!
Hanami: Our wonder boy runs in!!
Valt: Hanami?
Hanami: Percy told us about this match and said it was going to be awesome!! So I decided to come to do commentary here!!
Me: And we’re already live!!
Valt: Alright, don’t think you’re getting off easy though!!
(Valt holds Valtryek up)
Me: Poseidon is winning this!!
(I hold Poseidon up)
Raina: First battle!! Ready? Set!
All: 3! 2! 1!
Valt/Me: Let it rip!!
(Valt and I pull of Beyjitzu Launches)
Hanami: Amazing Beyjitzu Launches right out of the gate!!
Valt: Rush Launch!!
(Valtryek rushes a strike at Poseidon, Poseidon gets sent flying sky high)
Hanami: Poseidon is sent flying up in the air!!
Me: Hang in there!!
(Poseidon starts flashing blue as it falls back to the stadium)
Valt: *Gasps*
(Poseidon leans on its driver and speeds up)
Me: Hydro Striker!!
(Valtryek gets sent flying in the air)
Hanami: Now it’s Valtryek’s turn to take a ride in the sky!!
Valt: You’ve gotten stronger!!
Me: You think that’s all?!
(Valtryek lands on the stadium floor)
Valt: Valtryek!!
(Valt’s Resonance Aura flares up)
(Valtryek speeds up and heads straight for Poseidon)
Aiden: Dodge the move!! Counter attacking would be too reckless!!
Me/Poseidon: Reckless? That’s how we like it!! Poseidon!!
(My Resonance Aura flares up)
(My hair flares up and my eyes glow)
Valt: *Gasps*
Me: Hydro Jet!!
(Poseidon leans on it’s driver and speeds right into Valtryek)
(The whole stadium blows up)
Hanami: Electrifying!!
(Valtryek and Poseidon are sent flying, Valtryek burst right in front of Valt)
Me: *Gasps*
(Poseidon hits the ground)
Raina: It’s Hydro Poseidon with a burst finish!! The winner is Perceus Nakano!!
Hanami: It looks like luck was on Perseus’s side because he just burst Valtryek!!
Aiden/Pam: IT WAS NOT LUCK!!!
Hanami: Um, looks like Perseus has got skill!!
(Valt walks up to me)
Valt: Yo.
Me: *Gulps* Hey.
Valt: That was an awesome match!!
Me: I know right!!
~At BC Sol~
Free: Looks like he’s gotten stronger. I think I need to take him down a notch, do you, Illusion Fafnir?
(Fafnir glimmers in response)
~Back At The Warehouse~
(Valt climbs up to the roof of the Warehouse)
Valt (Thoughts): Man, battling him was awesome.
(I climb up to the roof)
Me: Hey.
Valt: Hey.
Me: So, you’re going back to Spain tomorrow?
Valt: Yup.
Me: What’s it like?
Valt: What do you mean?
Me: You’ve been battling all around the world, there must be super strong bladers out there.
Valt: Totally, bladers out in the world are super strong!!
Me: Man, that must be epic.
Valt: Do you wanna come to Spain with me tomorrow?
Me: Well.
(Poseidon glimmers in response)
Me: Sure.
???: Don’t think you’re leaving without us!!
(I look behind me)
Raina: You’re taking us with you!!
Pam: Yeah, we’re your friends, you're totally not leaving without us!!
(My eyes start tearing up)
Me: Well, you better start packing!!
Aiden/Pam/Raina: Yeah!!
(They get off the roof)
Valt: Hey, Percy.
Me: What?
Valt: I wanna talk about Raina.
Me: What about her?
Valt: Well… Never mind go get ready!!
(I run down the ladder)
Valt: Raina Reinhart. You’ve gotta be stopped.
Grammar: 5/5 your grammar is awesome ummm mid you teach lessons?!! Lol
Characters: 4/5 there awesome and I cried when Raina did not remember when she broke pams bey and geared when his friends wanted to come with him! Also valt wants to stop Raina? Epic!
Dialogue: 4/5 I like the Dialogue like ~at the warehouse~ it’s great but I just felt like something was up
Length: 4/5 your length is Long-average I like it!
All together: 17/19 your doing great just needs a little work 👍🏾
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - Hollowmind13 - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 6:44 PM)LegendJustice Wrote: (Jun. 30, 2021 5:33 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: Chapter 10 is out (This chapter is important for the rest of the story so I recommend you read it)
Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu
Chapter 10
Trust In Poseidon!!!
Pam: Go Doomsizer!!
(Doomsizer hits Ridley off-balanced)
Possessed Raina: RIDLEY!!!
(Raina’s Resonance Aura flares up)
Raina: Pirate Rush!!
(Ridley’s avatar’s sword slashes Doomsizer in the middle, Doomsizer starts cracking then breaks)
All: *Gasps*
Pam: No.
Possessed Raina: YES, I’M INVINCIBLE!!!
(Pam’s expression turns depressed)
Pam: No.
(Raina blacks out)
Valt (Thoughts): I can’t believe it. Her power is scary and dangerous.
(Pam pushes Doomsizer’s parts together)
Pam: Doomsizer…
(Pam goes and sits on the bench in shock looking at Doomsizer)
Me: Pam..
Pam: Don’t worry about me, just beat Valt.
Valt: I’ll battle you in a bit, just give me some time.
(Valt goes in the on top of the roof)
Aiden: Wonder what Valt’s doing?
(Aiden tries running after Valt but I stop him)
Me: If Valt wanted us to know what he was doing he would do it here, let’s give him some time to himself.
~On The Top Of The Roof~
(Valt calls someone on his phone)
Valt: Hey, I’ve noticed that Percy’s friend Raina, has quite a Resonance and I knew you could help me.
???: Have you told her?
Valt: She wouldn’t listen, Aiger didn’t when you tried.
???: If someone she can trust tells her then maybe…
Valt: You’re right, I’ll talk to Percy, thanks. Shu.
Shu: No problem.
(Shu hangs up)
Valt: Well, guess I’m battling Percy now.
~Back Inside The Warehouse~
Raina: Battling you was so much fun!!
Pam: Yeah, fun.
(Pam shoves Doomsizer’s 2 fragments deep inside his pocket)
(Valt runs in through the door)
Valt: Yo, Percy let’s battle!!
Hanami: Our wonder boy runs in!!
Valt: Hanami?
Hanami: Percy told us about this match and said it was going to be awesome!! So I decided to come to do commentary here!!
Me: And we’re already live!!
Valt: Alright, don’t think you’re getting off easy though!!
(Valt holds Valtryek up)
Me: Poseidon is winning this!!
(I hold Poseidon up)
Raina: First battle!! Ready? Set!
All: 3! 2! 1!
Valt/Me: Let it rip!!
(Valt and I pull of Beyjitzu Launches)
Hanami: Amazing Beyjitzu Launches right out of the gate!!
Valt: Rush Launch!!
(Valtryek rushes a strike at Poseidon, Poseidon gets sent flying sky high)
Hanami: Poseidon is sent flying up in the air!!
Me: Hang in there!!
(Poseidon starts flashing blue as it falls back to the stadium)
Valt: *Gasps*
(Poseidon leans on its driver and speeds up)
Me: Hydro Striker!!
(Valtryek gets sent flying in the air)
Hanami: Now it’s Valtryek’s turn to take a ride in the sky!!
Valt: You’ve gotten stronger!!
Me: You think that’s all?!
(Valtryek lands on the stadium floor)
Valt: Valtryek!!
(Valt’s Resonance Aura flares up)
(Valtryek speeds up and heads straight for Poseidon)
Aiden: Dodge the move!! Counter attacking would be too reckless!!
Me/Poseidon: Reckless? That’s how we like it!! Poseidon!!
(My Resonance Aura flares up)
(My hair flares up and my eyes glow)
Valt: *Gasps*
Me: Hydro Jet!!
(Poseidon leans on it’s driver and speeds right into Valtryek)
(The whole stadium blows up)
Hanami: Electrifying!!
(Valtryek and Poseidon are sent flying, Valtryek burst right in front of Valt)
Me: *Gasps*
(Poseidon hits the ground)
Raina: It’s Hydro Poseidon with a burst finish!! The winner is Perceus Nakano!!
Hanami: It looks like luck was on Perseus’s side because he just burst Valtryek!!
Aiden/Pam: IT WAS NOT LUCK!!!
Hanami: Um, looks like Perseus has got skill!!
(Valt walks up to me)
Valt: Yo.
Me: *Gulps* Hey.
Valt: That was an awesome match!!
Me: I know right!!
~At BC Sol~
Free: Looks like he’s gotten stronger. I think I need to take him down a notch, do you, Illusion Fafnir?
(Fafnir glimmers in response)
~Back At The Warehouse~
(Valt climbs up to the roof of the Warehouse)
Valt (Thoughts): Man, battling him was awesome.
(I climb up to the roof)
Me: Hey.
Valt: Hey.
Me: So, you’re going back to Spain tomorrow?
Valt: Yup.
Me: What’s it like?
Valt: What do you mean?
Me: You’ve been battling all around the world, there must be super strong bladers out there.
Valt: Totally, bladers out in the world are super strong!!
Me: Man, that must be epic.
Valt: Do you wanna come to Spain with me tomorrow?
Me: Well.
(Poseidon glimmers in response)
Me: Sure.
???: Don’t think you’re leaving without us!!
(I look behind me)
Raina: You’re taking us with you!!
Pam: Yeah, we’re your friends, you're totally not leaving without us!!
(My eyes start tearing up)
Me: Well, you better start packing!!
Aiden/Pam/Raina: Yeah!!
(They get off the roof)
Valt: Hey, Percy.
Me: What?
Valt: I wanna talk about Raina.
Me: What about her?
Valt: Well… Never mind go get ready!!
(I run down the ladder)
Valt: Raina Reinhart. You’ve gotta be stopped.
Grammar: 5/5 your grammar is awesome ummm mid you teach lessons?!! Lol
Characters: 4/5 there awesome and I cried when Raina did not remember when she broke pams bey and geared when his friends wanted to come with him! Also valt wants to stop Raina? Epic!
Dialogue: 4/5 I like the Dialogue like ~at the warehouse~ it’s great but I just felt like something was up
Length: 4/5 your length is Long-average I like it!
All together: 17/19 your doing great just needs a little work 👍🏾
I guess you meant 17/20...
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - UnseenBurst - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 6:44 PM)LegendJustice Wrote: (Jun. 30, 2021 5:33 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: Chapter 10 is out (This chapter is important for the rest of the story so I recommend you read it)
Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu
Chapter 10
Trust In Poseidon!!!
Pam: Go Doomsizer!!
(Doomsizer hits Ridley off-balanced)
Possessed Raina: RIDLEY!!!
(Raina’s Resonance Aura flares up)
Raina: Pirate Rush!!
(Ridley’s avatar’s sword slashes Doomsizer in the middle, Doomsizer starts cracking then breaks)
All: *Gasps*
Pam: No.
Possessed Raina: YES, I’M INVINCIBLE!!!
(Pam’s expression turns depressed)
Pam: No.
(Raina blacks out)
Valt (Thoughts): I can’t believe it. Her power is scary and dangerous.
(Pam pushes Doomsizer’s parts together)
Pam: Doomsizer…
(Pam goes and sits on the bench in shock looking at Doomsizer)
Me: Pam..
Pam: Don’t worry about me, just beat Valt.
Valt: I’ll battle you in a bit, just give me some time.
(Valt goes in the on top of the roof)
Aiden: Wonder what Valt’s doing?
(Aiden tries running after Valt but I stop him)
Me: If Valt wanted us to know what he was doing he would do it here, let’s give him some time to himself.
~On The Top Of The Roof~
(Valt calls someone on his phone)
Valt: Hey, I’ve noticed that Percy’s friend Raina, has quite a Resonance and I knew you could help me.
???: Have you told her?
Valt: She wouldn’t listen, Aiger didn’t when you tried.
???: If someone she can trust tells her then maybe…
Valt: You’re right, I’ll talk to Percy, thanks. Shu.
Shu: No problem.
(Shu hangs up)
Valt: Well, guess I’m battling Percy now.
~Back Inside The Warehouse~
Raina: Battling you was so much fun!!
Pam: Yeah, fun.
(Pam shoves Doomsizer’s 2 fragments deep inside his pocket)
(Valt runs in through the door)
Valt: Yo, Percy let’s battle!!
Hanami: Our wonder boy runs in!!
Valt: Hanami?
Hanami: Percy told us about this match and said it was going to be awesome!! So I decided to come to do commentary here!!
Me: And we’re already live!!
Valt: Alright, don’t think you’re getting off easy though!!
(Valt holds Valtryek up)
Me: Poseidon is winning this!!
(I hold Poseidon up)
Raina: First battle!! Ready? Set!
All: 3! 2! 1!
Valt/Me: Let it rip!!
(Valt and I pull of Beyjitzu Launches)
Hanami: Amazing Beyjitzu Launches right out of the gate!!
Valt: Rush Launch!!
(Valtryek rushes a strike at Poseidon, Poseidon gets sent flying sky high)
Hanami: Poseidon is sent flying up in the air!!
Me: Hang in there!!
(Poseidon starts flashing blue as it falls back to the stadium)
Valt: *Gasps*
(Poseidon leans on its driver and speeds up)
Me: Hydro Striker!!
(Valtryek gets sent flying in the air)
Hanami: Now it’s Valtryek’s turn to take a ride in the sky!!
Valt: You’ve gotten stronger!!
Me: You think that’s all?!
(Valtryek lands on the stadium floor)
Valt: Valtryek!!
(Valt’s Resonance Aura flares up)
(Valtryek speeds up and heads straight for Poseidon)
Aiden: Dodge the move!! Counter attacking would be too reckless!!
Me/Poseidon: Reckless? That’s how we like it!! Poseidon!!
(My Resonance Aura flares up)
(My hair flares up and my eyes glow)
Valt: *Gasps*
Me: Hydro Jet!!
(Poseidon leans on it’s driver and speeds right into Valtryek)
(The whole stadium blows up)
Hanami: Electrifying!!
(Valtryek and Poseidon are sent flying, Valtryek burst right in front of Valt)
Me: *Gasps*
(Poseidon hits the ground)
Raina: It’s Hydro Poseidon with a burst finish!! The winner is Perceus Nakano!!
Hanami: It looks like luck was on Perseus’s side because he just burst Valtryek!!
Aiden/Pam: IT WAS NOT LUCK!!!
Hanami: Um, looks like Perseus has got skill!!
(Valt walks up to me)
Valt: Yo.
Me: *Gulps* Hey.
Valt: That was an awesome match!!
Me: I know right!!
~At BC Sol~
Free: Looks like he’s gotten stronger. I think I need to take him down a notch, do you, Illusion Fafnir?
(Fafnir glimmers in response)
~Back At The Warehouse~
(Valt climbs up to the roof of the Warehouse)
Valt (Thoughts): Man, battling him was awesome.
(I climb up to the roof)
Me: Hey.
Valt: Hey.
Me: So, you’re going back to Spain tomorrow?
Valt: Yup.
Me: What’s it like?
Valt: What do you mean?
Me: You’ve been battling all around the world, there must be super strong bladers out there.
Valt: Totally, bladers out in the world are super strong!!
Me: Man, that must be epic.
Valt: Do you wanna come to Spain with me tomorrow?
Me: Well.
(Poseidon glimmers in response)
Me: Sure.
???: Don’t think you’re leaving without us!!
(I look behind me)
Raina: You’re taking us with you!!
Pam: Yeah, we’re your friends, you're totally not leaving without us!!
(My eyes start tearing up)
Me: Well, you better start packing!!
Aiden/Pam/Raina: Yeah!!
(They get off the roof)
Valt: Hey, Percy.
Me: What?
Valt: I wanna talk about Raina.
Me: What about her?
Valt: Well… Never mind go get ready!!
(I run down the ladder)
Valt: Raina Reinhart. You’ve gotta be stopped.
Grammar: 5/5 your grammar is awesome ummm mid you teach lessons?!! Lol
Characters: 4/5 there awesome and I cried when Raina did not remember when she broke pams bey and geared when his friends wanted to come with him! Also valt wants to stop Raina? Epic!
Dialogue: 4/5 I like the Dialogue like ~at the warehouse~ it’s great but I just felt like something was up
Length: 4/5 your length is Long-average I like it!
All together: 17/19 your doing great just needs a little work 👍🏾
I use Grammarly that's why my grammar's so good on WBO and on my Chapters thanks bro I'm glad you like it
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - LegendJustice - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 6:46 PM)Hollowmind8 Wrote: (Jun. 30, 2021 6:44 PM)LegendJustice Wrote: Grammar: 5/5 your grammar is awesome ummm mid you teach lessons?!! Lol
Characters: 4/5 there awesome and I cried when Raina did not remember when she broke pams bey and geared when his friends wanted to come with him! Also valt wants to stop Raina? Epic!
Dialogue: 4/5 I like the Dialogue like ~at the warehouse~ it’s great but I just felt like something was up
Length: 4/5 your length is Long-average I like it!
All together: 17/19 your doing great just needs a little work 👍🏾
I guess you meant 17/20...
No I did not actually
(Jun. 30, 2021 6:47 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: (Jun. 30, 2021 6:44 PM)LegendJustice Wrote: Grammar: 5/5 your grammar is awesome ummm mid you teach lessons?!! Lol
Characters: 4/5 there awesome and I cried when Raina did not remember when she broke pams bey and geared when his friends wanted to come with him! Also valt wants to stop Raina? Epic!
Dialogue: 4/5 I like the Dialogue like ~at the warehouse~ it’s great but I just felt like something was up
Length: 4/5 your length is Long-average I like it!
All together: 17/19 your doing great just needs a little work 👍🏾
I use Grammarly that's why my grammar's so good on WBO and on my Chapters thanks bro I'm glad you like it
No problem
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu - GenesisBlader - Jun. 30, 2021
uh 5x4 is 20 and 5+5+5+5 is 20
(Jun. 30, 2021 6:49 PM)BladeKingX Wrote: uh 5x4 is 20 and 5+5+5+5 is 20
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu (Character Contest) - UnseenBurst - Jun. 30, 2021
Everyone!! We're having another character contest I want to give everyone another shot at it (Besides I can't make up characters) but Sorry BeybladeManiac0 since you won last time you can't enter again because I want to give everyone a fair shot. There will be 2 winners and both of them will be in Beyjitzu in the Tournament Arc oopsie I said that out loud at least you have a spoiler. Enjoy and may the best blader win!!
Name:
Age:
Personality:
Bey (Describe new parts):
Chip:
Ring:
Disk:
Driver:
Attacks:
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu (Character Contest) - USN - Jun. 30, 2021
(Jun. 30, 2021 5:33 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote: Chapter 10 is out (This chapter is important for the rest of the story so I recommend you read it)
Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu
Chapter 10
Trust In Poseidon!!!
Pam: Go Doomsizer!!
(Doomsizer hits Ridley off-balanced)
Possessed Raina: RIDLEY!!!
(Raina’s Resonance Aura flares up)
Raina: Pirate Rush!!
(Ridley’s avatar’s sword slashes Doomsizer in the middle, Doomsizer starts cracking then breaks)
All: *Gasps*
Pam: No.
Possessed Raina: YES, I’M INVINCIBLE!!!
(Pam’s expression turns depressed)
Pam: No.
(Raina blacks out)
Valt (Thoughts): I can’t believe it. Her power is scary and dangerous.
(Pam pushes Doomsizer’s parts together)
Pam: Doomsizer…
(Pam goes and sits on the bench in shock looking at Doomsizer)
Me: Pam..
Pam: Don’t worry about me, just beat Valt.
Valt: I’ll battle you in a bit, just give me some time.
(Valt goes in the on top of the roof)
Aiden: Wonder what Valt’s doing?
(Aiden tries running after Valt but I stop him)
Me: If Valt wanted us to know what he was doing he would do it here, let’s give him some time to himself.
~On The Top Of The Roof~
(Valt calls someone on his phone)
Valt: Hey, I’ve noticed that Percy’s friend Raina, has quite a Resonance and I knew you could help me.
???: Have you told her?
Valt: She wouldn’t listen, Aiger didn’t when you tried.
???: If someone she can trust tells her then maybe…
Valt: You’re right, I’ll talk to Percy, thanks. Shu.
Shu: No problem.
(Shu hangs up)
Valt: Well, guess I’m battling Percy now.
~Back Inside The Warehouse~
Raina: Battling you was so much fun!!
Pam: Yeah, fun.
(Pam shoves Doomsizer’s 2 fragments deep inside his pocket)
(Valt runs in through the door)
Valt: Yo, Percy let’s battle!!
Hanami: Our wonder boy runs in!!
Valt: Hanami?
Hanami: Percy told us about this match and said it was going to be awesome!! So I decided to come to do commentary here!!
Me: And we’re already live!!
Valt: Alright, don’t think you’re getting off easy though!!
(Valt holds Valtryek up)
Me: Poseidon is winning this!!
(I hold Poseidon up)
Raina: First battle!! Ready? Set!
All: 3! 2! 1!
Valt/Me: Let it rip!!
(Valt and I pull of Beyjitzu Launches)
Hanami: Amazing Beyjitzu Launches right out of the gate!!
Valt: Rush Launch!!
(Valtryek rushes a strike at Poseidon, Poseidon gets sent flying sky high)
Hanami: Poseidon is sent flying up in the air!!
Me: Hang in there!!
(Poseidon starts flashing blue as it falls back to the stadium)
Valt: *Gasps*
(Poseidon leans on its driver and speeds up)
Me: Hydro Striker!!
(Valtryek gets sent flying in the air)
Hanami: Now it’s Valtryek’s turn to take a ride in the sky!!
Valt: You’ve gotten stronger!!
Me: You think that’s all?!
(Valtryek lands on the stadium floor)
Valt: Valtryek!!
(Valt’s Resonance Aura flares up)
(Valtryek speeds up and heads straight for Poseidon)
Aiden: Dodge the move!! Counter attacking would be too reckless!!
Me/Poseidon: Reckless? That’s how we like it!! Poseidon!!
(My Resonance Aura flares up)
(My hair flares up and my eyes glow)
Valt: *Gasps*
Me: Hydro Jet!!
(Poseidon leans on it’s driver and speeds right into Valtryek)
(The whole stadium blows up)
Hanami: Electrifying!!
(Valtryek and Poseidon are sent flying, Valtryek burst right in front of Valt)
Me: *Gasps*
(Poseidon hits the ground)
Raina: It’s Hydro Poseidon with a burst finish!! The winner is Perceus Nakano!!
Hanami: It looks like luck was on Perseus’s side because he just burst Valtryek!!
Aiden/Pam: IT WAS NOT LUCK!!!
Hanami: Um, looks like Perseus has got skill!!
(Valt walks up to me)
Valt: Yo.
Me: *Gulps* Hey.
Valt: That was an awesome match!!
Me: I know right!!
~At BC Sol~
Free: Looks like he’s gotten stronger. I think I need to take him down a notch, do you, Illusion Fafnir?
(Fafnir glimmers in response)
~Back At The Warehouse~
(Valt climbs up to the roof of the Warehouse)
Valt (Thoughts): Man, battling him was awesome.
(I climb up to the roof)
Me: Hey.
Valt: Hey.
Me: So, you’re going back to Spain tomorrow?
Valt: Yup.
Me: What’s it like?
Valt: What do you mean?
Me: You’ve been battling all around the world, there must be super strong bladers out there.
Valt: Totally, bladers out in the world are super strong!!
Me: Man, that must be epic.
Valt: Do you wanna come to Spain with me tomorrow?
Me: Well.
(Poseidon glimmers in response)
Me: Sure.
???: Don’t think you’re leaving without us!!
(I look behind me)
Raina: You’re taking us with you!!
Pam: Yeah, we’re your friends, you're totally not leaving without us!!
(My eyes start tearing up)
Me: Well, you better start packing!!
Aiden/Pam/Raina: Yeah!!
(They get off the roof)
Valt: Hey, Percy.
Me: What?
Valt: I wanna talk about Raina.
Me: What about her?
Valt: Well… Never mind go get ready!!
(I run down the ladder)
Valt: Raina Reinhart. You’ve gotta be stopped.
I've been reading this from the beginning and I have to say, it's lookin good. The only problem in my mind is when it goes from speech to action to speech. It gets really choppy, so try bringing multiple actions into a single sentance. Otherwise though, I can't list all the things you are doing right because there's too many!
RE: Beyblade Burst Beyjitzu (Character Contest) - Hollowmind13 - Jun. 30, 2021
Yey, a place to test out my fresh baked character that just came out of the oven, when is the limit day(how long does it last)?
(Also I reccomend follow the USN advice)
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