Oct. 30, 2020 1:17 AM
Oct. 30, 2020 1:32 AM
(Oct. 30, 2020 1:17 AM)beykid44 Wrote: [ -> ]This is meh new fanfic bois
rip spelling
AHHHHHH it wont work
i might just be dumb
yeah i was dumb for sure
Spoiler (click to view)
Cool fanfic.
Oct. 30, 2020 1:34 AM
(Oct. 30, 2020 1:32 AM)kai edits Wrote: [ -> ](Oct. 30, 2020 1:17 AM)beykid44 Wrote: [ -> ]This is meh new fanfic bois
rip spelling
AHHHHHH it wont work
i might just be dumb
yeah i was dumb for sure
Spoiler (click to view)
Cool fanfic.
it cant really be cool if there are no episodes yet
AIGHT GS FIRST CHAPTER
Spoiler (Click to View)
Kai: Snoring
Maya kimidori: Wake up bro!
Kai: tacoooosssssss
Vixen who is mom btw: wake up i made pancakes.
Kai: WHAT PANCAKES AWESOME!
Maya: you have to eat break fast and then start your training with Bro Right?
Kai: yeah quon's new blitz quetzalqoatl will be a tough opponent, have you finished Making Sheath Ronin?
maya: yeah ill be one of the only bladers to not have their bey start with the firs tletter of their name!
Kai: oh carp i gotta go cya!
Senior hanami on Buidings And tv: ITS QUON KIMIDORI VS VALT AOI WHO Will WINNN
Maya kimidori: Wake up bro!
Kai: tacoooosssssss
Vixen who is mom btw: wake up i made pancakes.
Kai: WHAT PANCAKES AWESOME!
Maya: you have to eat break fast and then start your training with Bro Right?
Kai: yeah quon's new blitz quetzalqoatl will be a tough opponent, have you finished Making Sheath Ronin?
maya: yeah ill be one of the only bladers to not have their bey start with the firs tletter of their name!
Kai: oh carp i gotta go cya!
Senior hanami on Buidings And tv: ITS QUON KIMIDORI VS VALT AOI WHO Will WINNN
Spoiler (Click to View)
kai: HUh i thought we were going to train i guess not as the euopean champ i better get my act together.
myserious blader: hey You!
kai: who are you?
Mysterious blader: my name is kyoka, kyoka shirogane. my bey is Tornado Kimera, i heard youe were the euorpean champion.
Kai: You're wasting my time get outta my way.
Kyoka: battle me NOW!
Kai: Be careful whatcha wish for i"ll destroy you with my bey Phantom Solomon, my gamma bey, huh wheres the layer weight?
kyoka: aha what a waste you are you don,t even have all your parts.
Kai; Ah there it is im ready.
kyoka: miterai! be the ref.
Miterai ok Bladers R-Ready 3 2 1 GOO SHOOT!
Kai: solomon abyssal break!
Kyoka: one hit and this'll be over GO KIMERA DETROY IT!!
The hit blows kai away injuring him while solomon shatters to peices
thats the second part of the first chapter the chapters after this will be one long part ARIGOTO GOZAIMASU for reading lol
title of first chapter The awakening! Tornado Kimera!
Oct. 30, 2020 2:18 AM
so far, this story is off to great start. cant wait for more.
Oct. 30, 2020 2:23 AM
(Oct. 30, 2020 2:18 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: [ -> ]so far, this story is off to great start. cant wait for more.
thanks so im not gonna spoil it but is evo is brave solomon i made like a backstory soo lets just cal this the bonus chapter valt helped make solomon and thought hmmmmm and made the brave ring the combo is brave solomon 1d Blitz Power 2
Oct. 30, 2020 2:51 AM
Hello!! Im here since you asked for some opinions. I wont be too harsh so I hope you dont mind this — as with opinions from people, you are not obligated to treat this seriously because it your writing is up to you
I think its good so far! You definitely did well with displaying the characters and their personalities. Though, what stands out to me is how stiff the fanfic seems to be — theres almost no punctuation, which makes me read all of this in a quick way rather than dramatize how characters might sound. Adding commas and punctuation can add that affect. As well as that, script-style also has action here and there! For example, you can turn something like “Kai: tacoooosssssss” into “Kai (rolling slowly and muttering in his sleep): tacoooosssssss.” It gives people an idea of what they are doing in the scene, because without elaboration, I imagine theyre inanimate and not moving. I see your story has potential, though! Good job
I think its good so far! You definitely did well with displaying the characters and their personalities. Though, what stands out to me is how stiff the fanfic seems to be — theres almost no punctuation, which makes me read all of this in a quick way rather than dramatize how characters might sound. Adding commas and punctuation can add that affect. As well as that, script-style also has action here and there! For example, you can turn something like “Kai: tacoooosssssss” into “Kai (rolling slowly and muttering in his sleep): tacoooosssssss.” It gives people an idea of what they are doing in the scene, because without elaboration, I imagine theyre inanimate and not moving. I see your story has potential, though! Good job
Oct. 30, 2020 2:56 AM
(Oct. 30, 2020 2:51 AM)XSabxManiacX Wrote: [ -> ]Hello!! Im here since you asked for some opinions. I wont be too harsh so I hope you dont mind this — as with opinions from people, you are not obligated to treat this seriously because it your writing is up to you
I think its good so far! You definitely did well with displaying the characters and their personalities. Though, what stands out to me is how stiff the fanfic seems to be — theres almost no punctuation, which makes me read all of this in a quick way rather than dramatize how characters might sound. Adding commas and punctuation can add that affect. As well as that, script-style also has action here and there! For example, you can turn something like “Kai: tacoooosssssss” into “Kai (rolling slowly and muttering in his sleep): tacoooosssssss.” It gives people an idea of what they are doing in the scene, because without elaboration, I imagine theyre inanimate and not moving. I see your story has potential, though! Good job
ok ill try to elaborate more in my next chapter im making two chapters a day
The golden Bey, Brave Σolomon!
Spoiler (Click to View)
Kai: stuttering with shocked expression S-s-s SOLOMOOON no don't leave me *sobs*
Kyoka: HAHAHAH if this were an official battle your title would be mine *smirks and Walks Off*
2 hours later
Maya: *Running fast pace* Hey Big Bro!!! lets test my new bey!
kai: (with dark expression imagine anime edgy boi with their hair making shadow over their eyes lol) No I can't
Maya: What why?
Kai: i have to go find valt.
Maya (concerned look) why do you need to leave big bro?
Kai: it doesnt matter.
opens door and goes through then slams door
Maya: whats up with him? might have to spy on em.
Kai meets up with valt and make brave Σolomon and brave valtryek
Valt: hey are you coming to the pre-legend festival tournament?
Kai: Sure!
2 day later the first battle of the tournament
Senior Hanami: OKAAAAAYYYY BOYS AND GIRLS TIME FOR THE FIRST BATTLE Who will win? the rookie blader and his so called Flare or The euro champ
Blader with purple hair my bey will defeat you and i will arise AND DEFEAT KURENAI SHU!
Oct. 30, 2020 3:30 AM
It is good the chapter.
But I want to know one thing: What system is this?
But I want to know one thing: What system is this?
Oct. 30, 2020 3:34 AM
(Oct. 30, 2020 3:30 AM)EarthHelios Wrote: [ -> ]It is good the chapter.
But I want to know one thing: What system is this?
super king but its like right before superkig
Oct. 30, 2020 3:35 AM
Oct. 30, 2020 3:36 AM
(Oct. 30, 2020 3:35 AM)EarthHelios Wrote: [ -> ](Oct. 30, 2020 3:34 AM)beykid44 Wrote: [ -> ]super king but its like right before superkig
oh ok.
also are you taking bey request or no
ummmmmmmm yeah but when would you like to appear?
btw hikaru and hyuga arent here bc they made their beys during superking in season two which is super king but i add more characters
Oct. 30, 2020 3:41 AM
(Oct. 30, 2020 3:36 AM)beykid44 Wrote: [ -> ](Oct. 30, 2020 3:35 AM)EarthHelios Wrote: [ -> ]oh ok.
also are you taking bey request or no
ummmmmmmm yeah but when would you like to appear?
btw hikaru and hyuga arent here bc they made their beys during superking in season two which is super king but i add more characters
1.Whatever chapter you want to put it in.
2. Ok
3. I suggest you change the combo for Brave Solomon
4. The bey name is: Dark Salamander Operate´ 1B
Oct. 30, 2020 3:42 AM
(Oct. 30, 2020 3:41 AM)EarthHelios Wrote: [ -> ](Oct. 30, 2020 3:36 AM)beykid44 Wrote: [ -> ]ummmmmmmm yeah but when would you like to appear?
btw hikaru and hyuga arent here bc they made their beys during superking in season two which is super king but i add more characters
1.Whatever chapter you want to put it in.
2. Ok
3. I suggest you change the combo for Brave Solomon
4. The bey name is: Dark Salamander Operate´ 1B
oh i thought you meant your own bey i already made plans for souh
Oct. 30, 2020 3:42 AM
Hey, it looks better now! I can see what the characters are clearly doing rather than just talking. Youre improving
Oct. 30, 2020 3:43 AM
and i really like that combo tho on solomon
Oct. 30, 2020 3:43 AM
(Oct. 30, 2020 3:43 AM)beykid44 Wrote: [ -> ]and i really like that combo tho on solomon
Blitz Power?
I guess it aint bad but its just maybe add a dash driver to the Power driver
Oct. 30, 2020 3:45 AM
(Oct. 30, 2020 3:43 AM)EarthHelios Wrote: [ -> ](Oct. 30, 2020 3:43 AM)beykid44 Wrote: [ -> ]and i really like that combo tho on solomon
Blitz Power?
I guess it aint bad but its just maybe add a dash driver to the Power driver
its a mod where they put this rubber thing on power and call it power 2 its like unite exept flat
Oct. 30, 2020 3:45 AM
Oct. 30, 2020 3:46 AM
(Oct. 30, 2020 3:42 AM)XSabxManiacX Wrote: [ -> ]Hey, it looks better now! I can see what the characters are clearly doing rather than just talking. Youre improving
guess the mysterious blader
Oct. 30, 2020 3:47 AM
Oct. 30, 2020 3:48 AM
Oct. 30, 2020 3:49 AM
My guess is Rantaro
Oct. 30, 2020 3:50 AM
(Oct. 30, 2020 3:49 AM)EarthHelios Wrote: [ -> ]My guess is Rantaro
bruh i gave a hint in the chapter
Oct. 30, 2020 7:21 PM
Oct. 30, 2020 7:23 PM
(Oct. 30, 2020 7:21 PM)NamanSpryzen Wrote: [ -> ]I like it! The mystery blader is Valt Aoi! Also can you add me with Tornado Zillon?
hmmmm i gave hints in my secod chapter maybe i ned more details like its combo and moves