(May. 27, 2021  6:53 PM)JJustice Wrote: yup here are some upcoming characters

name: Ryui Kagam
bey: amazon Ranson
moves: attack type with 4 blades and a special move that allows all the blade to shoot right out he calls is Amazon beast
personality: he can be pretty mean  but he loves sweet and loves being sarcastic
age: 13

(May. 27, 2021  6:53 PM)Beyl0v3r Wrote: Yo I'm done with school

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No wonder they hate each other 😆

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(May. 27, 2021  6:53 PM)JJustice Wrote: yup here are some upcoming characters

name: Ryui Kagam
bey: amazon Ranson
moves: attack type with 4 blades and a special move that allows all the blade to shoot right out he calls is Amazon beast
personality: he can be pretty mean  but he loves sweet and loves being sarcastic
age: 13

"Loves being sarcastic"hehe I can do some stuff with that...hehe...

(May. 27, 2021  7:27 PM)Beyl0v3r Wrote: Huh?Why the-

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Yo JJustice?

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Ok I'm signed in

(May. 27, 2021  8:06 PM)Beyl0v3r Wrote: Imgflip is pure hilariousness

(May. 27, 2021  10:51 PM)JJustice Wrote: Chapter 1
The Big meet

Spoiler (Click to View)

mom: Jacob wake up your gonna be late for that tournament
Jacob: Oh yeah the tournament me and Shun are gonna crush that thing.
mom: ok ok don't get too excited
Jacob: *changes* I will eat breakfast later
(Jacob heads downstairs)
Jacob: bye mom
mom: bye *gives him a banana*
Shun: hey man what took you so long
Jacob: I woke up late
Shun: OH nothing too exciting I guess
(they reach the building)
Shun: where here I'm heading to the locker rooms
-------------------
Meet Shun Uji he is a strong blader with his bey Saber System
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Jacob: hmm who else is here
Ryui: JACOB
Jacob: huh RYUI WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
Ryui: ha I don't have time for this my match is up and I don't need some extra in my way
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Meet Ryui Kagam he wants to be the world best blader with his bey Amazon Ranson
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Jacob's mind: WHAT IS RYUI DOING HERE THIS IS A BIG MEET
Ryui: bye EXTRA
Jacob: I PROMISE WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU
Announcer: HELLO EVERYONE WE HAVE AN EXCITING MATCH FOR YOU
Jacob: hmm I wonder who it will be
Announcer: We have Ryui Kagam vs Wyton Lo-jin
Jacob's mind: PLEASE MAKE RYUI LOOSE PLEASE

To Be Continued

(Jun. 01, 2021  6:34 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote:

(May. 27, 2021  10:51 PM)JJustice Wrote: Chapter 1
The Big meet

Spoiler (Click to View)

mom: Jacob wake up your gonna be late for that tournament
Jacob: Oh yeah the tournament me and Shun are gonna crush that thing.
mom: ok ok don't get too excited
Jacob: *changes*  I will eat breakfast later
(Jacob heads downstairs)
Jacob: bye mom
mom: bye *gives him a banana*
Shun: hey man what took you so long
Jacob: I woke up late
Shun: OH nothing too exciting I guess
(they reach the building)
Shun: where here I'm heading to the locker rooms
-------------------
Meet Shun Uji he is a strong blader with his bey Saber System
--------------------
Jacob: hmm who else is here
Ryui: JACOB
Jacob: huh RYUI WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
Ryui: ha I don't have time for this my match is up and I don't need some extra in my way
-----------
Meet Ryui Kagam he wants to be the world best blader with his bey Amazon Ranson
-----------
Jacob's mind: WHAT IS RYUI DOING HERE THIS IS A BIG MEET
Ryui: bye EXTRA
Jacob: I PROMISE WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU
Announcer: HELLO EVERYONE WE HAVE AN EXCITING MATCH FOR YOU
Jacob: hmm I wonder who it will be
Announcer: We have Ryui Kagam vs Wyton Lo-jin
Jacob's mind: PLEASE MAKE RYUI LOOSE PLEASE

To Be Continued

Grammar: 2/5 There are a lot of mistakes to be seen in grammar (But I do the same thing lol)
Story: 1/5 I feel like there is nothing really happening just people talking about a tournament
Characters: 2/5 We don't really learn anything about them other than two of them are friends and they don't like the other person
Dialogue: 2/5: It feels like there talking for the sake of talking there's not really a topic
Length: 3/5 You've gotten better but I kinda wish we got into the tournament and it still feels like your rushing so try slowing down

10/25 I'm not trying to be mean but this needs a lot of work but don't worry you can improve.

Spoiler (Click to View)

Plz do not be mad at me I'm just trying to help u improve

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You can rate my fanfic if u want but I recommend going over to other people's fanfic and try setting it up similar to how they do it don't copy but try making the format kinda seem a bit better

(Jun. 01, 2021  6:40 PM)JJustice Wrote:

(Jun. 01, 2021  6:34 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: Grammar: 2/5 There are a lot of mistakes to be seen in grammar (But I do the same thing lol)
Story: 1/5 I feel like there is nothing really happening just people talking about a tournament
Characters: 2/5 We don't really learn anything about them other than two of them are friends and they don't like the other person
Dialogue: 2/5: It feels like there talking for the sake of talking there's not really a topic
Length: 3/5 You've gotten better but I kinda wish we got into the tournament and it still feels like your rushing so try slowing down

10/25 I'm not trying to be mean but this needs a lot of work but don't worry you can improve.

Spoiler (Click to View)

Plz do not be mad at me I'm just trying to help u improve

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You can rate my fanfic if u want but I recommend going over to other people's fanfic and try setting it up similar to how they do it don't copy but try making the format kinda seem a bit better

Dude chill I'm not mad your just helping me improve

(Jun. 03, 2021  8:38 PM)JJustice Wrote: chapter 2
the Justice Blader

Spoiler (Click to View)

reff: Ready set.
all: 3 2 1.
Wyton/Ryui: LET IT RIP.
Wyton's mind: I CAN"T  LOOSE.
Wyton: WOLLER JAM BREAK.
Ryui: HA RANSON LITTLE BIT ATTACK.
Ranson charges at Woller but does and uno reverse on ranson.
Ryui: WTS IS THAT.
Wyton: oh that's Jam break it allows me to send my opponent's move sending back at them nothing to serious.
Announcer: WOAH WOLLER SEEMS THE BE SNAP POWERFUL.
shun: *looks at system*
Jacob: Woah that Wolly bey is powerful.
Wyton:  THE SNAP DID  I JUST HERE IS WOLLER NOT WOLLY OR WOLFY WOLLER.
Jacob's mind:  HOW DID HE HERE THAT.
Ryui: NOW.
Woller burst.
Wyton: h-how.
ryui: you were to busy talking to the pathetic loser over there I won.
Announcer: well that's it folks are next battle will be Wyton vs Shun uji
Shun: this I'll be interesting,
Jacob: yeah your gonna win I know it oh and have you ever thought of making a team?
Shun: yeah do you wanna start one?
Jacob: Sure after your match!
Shun: KK

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Lol do people read this

(Jun. 04, 2021  5:36 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote:

(Jun. 03, 2021  8:38 PM)JJustice Wrote: chapter 2
the Justice Blader

Spoiler (Click to View)

reff: Ready set.
all: 3 2 1.
Wyton/Ryui: LET IT RIP.
Wyton's mind: I CAN"T  LOOSE.
Wyton: WOLLER JAM BREAK.
Ryui: HA RANSON LITTLE BIT ATTACK.
Ranson charges at Woller but does and uno reverse on ranson.
Ryui: WTS IS THAT.
Wyton: oh that's Jam break it allows me to send my opponent's move sending back at them nothing to serious.
Announcer: WOAH WOLLER SEEMS THE BE SNAP POWERFUL.
shun: *looks at system*
Jacob: Woah that Wolly bey is powerful.
Wyton:  THE SNAP DID  I JUST HERE IS WOLLER NOT WOLLY OR WOLFY WOLLER.
Jacob's mind:  HOW DID HE HERE THAT.
Ryui: NOW.
Woller burst.
Wyton: h-how.
ryui: you were to busy talking to the pathetic loser over there I won.
Announcer: well that's it folks are next battle will be Wyton vs Shun uji
Shun: this I'll be interesting,
Jacob: yeah your gonna win I know it oh and have you ever thought of making a team?
Shun: yeah do you wanna start one?
Jacob: Sure after your match!
Shun: KK

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Lol do people read this

 
Grammar 3.5/5: some things are spelled wrong which makes it a little hard to understand when reading through quickly

characters; 4/5 the characters are good they just seem like different variations of valt to me

Story 3/5 nothings really happened too much yet but it's a pretty solid base

Battle 3/5 the battle was more of a funny battle than a serious one, it was also very short

13.5/20 it's a good base(better than mine) but needs work overall it's not bad

(Jun. 04, 2021  5:51 PM)JJustice Wrote:

(Jun. 04, 2021  5:36 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote:  
Grammar 3.5/5: some things are spelled wrong which makes it a little hard to understand when reading through quickly

characters; 4/5 the characters are good they just seem like different variations of valt to me

Story 3/5 nothings really happened too much yet but it's a pretty solid base

Battle 3/5 the battle was more of a funny battle than a serious one, it was also very short

13.5/20 it's a good base(better than mine) but needs work overall it's not bad

Thanks dude

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Chapter 3
Battle of a life Time

Spoiler (Click to View)

Announcer: alright bladers get ready.
Reff: Ready set.
Shun: 3.
Wyton: 2.
Shun: 1.
Shun & Wyton: LET IT RIP.
System charges at Woller.
Shun: Black lighting!!!
System sends a Lighting bolt at Woller.
Wyton's mind: I won't loose never again.
Woller: And I won't either.
Wyton: COUNTER THAT WITH DAWN GUARD.
Woller blocks System attack with its shield.
Shun's mind: What type of defence was that.
Meanwhile.
????: *Poisen's drink* here you go.
Jo: Thank you my name is Jo *drinks*
Jo Dies.
???: That's what you get for destroying my bey HAHAHA
Meanwhile.
Shun: AHH ATTACK.
Shun's auruo fires up.
Wyton: Woller DON'T LET ME DOWN.

To be continued.

@Lucha Burst
@strikegamerv6
How is this chapter?