World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.
The Lifeless Blader (Reboot) [Accepting character requests] - Printable Version

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The Lifeless Blader (Reboot) [Accepting character requests] - Resonated_ - Dec. 17, 2013

So I'm taking over a collab I did with my friend Damaged it sorta just, fell out, so now I am trying to bring it back.

Chapter 1:Life after Death

Chapter 2:The Dragon Awakens

Chapter 3:Moving

Chapter 4: (told in third person)

Chapter 5: Accepting change

Chapter:6 Lies

Chapter 7: Sticks and Stones

Chapter 8: Dogs and Poetry

Chapter 9:Loving Death

Chapter 10 Flashback (warning short)

Chapter 11 Death of a Soldier

Chapter 12 The end (Extremely short, literally one paragraph)
Sorry for the rather short cliff hanger, there might be a sequel depending on the feed back I get for this one. THIS IS'NT THE LAST YOU'LL SEE OF ME! I'm working on a collab with Dragon King.

How you should make a character request

Name:
Age:
Bio:
Appearance:
Personality:
Alignment: (Chaotic, Lawful) (Good, Evil, Neutral)
Bey: (Can be real or made up must be Zero-G/MFB)
Bey description:
Face bolt:
Energy ring: (Or crystal ring)
Fusion wheelUnhappyOr chrome wheel)
Spin track:
Performance tip:
Special MovesUnhappyWith description)


RE: The Lifeless Bladder (Reboot) [Accepting character requests] - The Supreme One - Dec. 17, 2013

I haven't read the story yet, but what I have to say right off the bat is:
blader*
...unless you're literally referring to a lifeless bladder, but I sort of doubt that.


RE: The Lifeless Bladder (Reboot) [Accepting character requests] - Resonated_ - Dec. 17, 2013

*Facepalm* sorry about that, had midterms today and I'm pretty tired.


RE: The Lifeless Blader (Reboot) [Accepting character requests] - DefStamina88 - Dec. 18, 2013

Well...

The content is kinda clumped together, try to space out the stuff some more. It makes it easier to read, cause with the way it is, I got caught in a few run-ons...

Also, a few of the chapters seem to be mainly dialogue. I would actually like to see a bit of eventfulness that isn't being said or described by the people in the story.

Lastly, the last few chapters are pretty short. This goes back to the spacing thing. If you space out the stuff more, it seems a bit longer...


RE: The Lifeless Blader (Reboot) [Accepting character requests] - Resonated_ - Dec. 18, 2013

Finale in the OP.


RE: The Lifeless Blader (Reboot) [Accepting character requests] - Themeeny7 - Dec. 18, 2013

This seems really interesting so far! Haven't finished reading it yet, but after a couple grilled cheese sandwiches I'll be up and ready to review! So far on the first chapter; seems like you need to put the words in the right order and add some more punctuation. Its good words, but if you don't punctuate it right with the right word placement it eventually wont matter how good the sentences are!! I'll fix up the first chapter so you know what I mean. You don't have to do it this way it is just an example of doing it better.
See how I changed the punctuation and the word order to make that better? That's what you need to try and do.


RE: The Lifeless Blader (Reboot) [Accepting character requests] - Resonated_ - Dec. 18, 2013

Yeah I've been getting a lot of comments but my winter break stats tomorrow. So I'm probably goona turn on some sea shanties and Celtic music and do some editing.


RE: The Lifeless Blader (Reboot) [Accepting character requests] - AWS0ME S0CKS - Dec. 20, 2013

Love this story! when do you think you can make the sequal


RE: The Lifeless Blader (Reboot) [Accepting character requests] - Resonated_ - Dec. 20, 2013

Thanks, I am not entirely sure when I'll start working on the sequel, because I'm sorta working on a collab with Dragon king right now


RE: The Lifeless Blader (Reboot) [Accepting character requests] - AWS0ME S0CKS - Dec. 20, 2013

Are you taking character requests?


RE: The Lifeless Blader (Reboot) [Accepting character requests] - Resonated_ - Dec. 20, 2013

Always, what do you have in mind