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+--- Thread: Blader's toaster [Beyblade story] (/Thread-Blader-s-toaster-Beyblade-story)
Blader's toaster [Beyblade story] - Kaneki - Nov. 30, 2013
Thought I'd make a story.
What's it about:
Toasty's a Blader; His number one dream is to win five tournaments. if he does, he wins a 10 sliced toaster.
But......... He will have to go on a long journy for that. As he's going to start his first tournament; will he win?
CHAPTER 1:
Spoiler (Click to View)
RE: Blader's toaster [Beyblade story] - Mitsu - Nov. 30, 2013
What An Amazing Story! Can't Wait To See More!
RE: Blader's toaster [Beyblade story] - DRAGON KING - Nov. 30, 2013
I saw a few spelling errors and the format is hard to understand when they are talking, but it's funny, just need to fix a couple things
.
RE: Blader's toaster [Beyblade story] - Kaneki - Nov. 30, 2013
Haha, edited. Yeah, I'm gonna correct them I'm just tired lol.
RE: Blader's toaster [Beyblade story] - Dual - Nov. 30, 2013
To be honest, it's not very good. There's no description, it's very choppy, and quite redundant. Just constructive criticism, not trying to be rude.
RE: Blader's toaster [Beyblade story] - Kaneki - Nov. 30, 2013
Yeah, I couldn't do much.
1: I'm writing from my phone
2: I've been up to 2.00am.
Hope you guys understand
RE: Blader's toaster [Beyblade story] - кαмυι カムイ - Nov. 30, 2013
Well it is a good story and all...but here is the deal:
1. You need to be descriptive. I cannot even tell where Toasty is right now. You just made him jump from his house to the shop and then to the tournament! What does Toasty look like? How does he talk? What does he wear? Those are the questions you need to answer
2.You spelled "breakfast" wrong.
3.This is your main problem in this writing: You need to put-
"Ronald, could you do me a favor?" Joey asked.
"Yeah, sure," Ronald replied.
--Not just
"Ronald, could you do me a favor?" Joey
"Yeah, sure" Ronald----
What I am trying to say is that readers won't understand the writing if you don't format it correctly.
RE: Blader's toaster [Beyblade story] - Bladerguy2 - Nov. 30, 2013
(Nov. 30, 2013 2:08 AM)Ultramarine Wrote: To be honest, it's not very good. There's no description, it's very choppy, and quite redundant. Just constructive criticism, not trying to be rude.
The first chapter is always like that. I think its good. When there is more you will see that you are wrong and ya there are some mistakes but its hard to type well on a phone. But lso it is hard to follow because we have no idea where he is. Hey you should join Wattpad ( wattpad.com ) It is a website for writers to write books and share them. I cant remember if there is a refferal box when you sign up but my name is BLADERGUY2 on wattpad.
RE: Blader's toaster [Beyblade story] - Dual - Nov. 30, 2013
"The first chapter is always like that." Yah ok. First impressions mean anything to you?
I won't even start an argument.
I never said the story was bad, it just needs work.
RE: Blader's toaster [Beyblade story] - Tri - Nov. 30, 2013
You have a strange obsession with toasters, haha. You always PM me saying you are going to take mine XD!
It's kind of a humorous story lol.
RE: Blader's toaster [Beyblade story] - Kaneki - Dec. 01, 2013
Yeah, haha, it's ment to be a funny story. I'll get your toaster one day Tri
I fixed a few stuff, but I can't wright anymore because: I can only type up to a set number of words. So........
RE: Blader's toaster [Beyblade story] - Leone19 - Dec. 01, 2013
I get the general plot of a tounrament, etc. but like Ultramarine stated, it's kinda choppy. There really isn't character development-aside from the fact we learn our main character loves toasters.
What's the deal with toasters, anyways?
EDIT: After reading more, there are some grammatical errors, like confusing "to" and "too".
RE: Blader's toaster [Beyblade story] - Ocean - Dec. 01, 2013
(Dec. 01, 2013 1:42 PM)Leone19 Wrote: I get the general plot of a tounrament, etc. but like Ultramarine stated, it's kinda choppy. There really isn't character development-aside from the fact we learn our main character loves toasters.
What's the deal with toasters, anyways?
I got to agree. Also why would he buy bey parts for $70?
RE: Blader's toaster [Beyblade story] - Kaneki - Dec. 01, 2013
Yeah, I runned out of typing space. I was going too do more on my character, but I cant type anymore words. Hahah, Toasters are one of my best machines. I guess I use it everyday.
Azl, it's ment too be funny. So that's why it's $70