Quote:This story could use a lot of improvement.

First: Don't create run on sentences. It makes it extremely hard to understand and causes confusion about the story. Things like commas, semi-colons, etc., are supposed to be used to keep the writing organised and nice to look at.

Second: Press the Enter Key. Putting everything into one block of text isn't very appeling and causes it to be a bit harder for some to read. For example:
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The chilly air ran down my spine, as I thought about the incident.
"Hey! We need to go back home now!" Shane said as he ran towards me.
I nodded at him and began jogging in his direction. I could still feel the anxiety in my heart. I could hear the pumping in my head. I could feel the sweat drip down from my head. But, there was an obscure chill in the air.

Something was wrong.
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I mean, your writing doesn't need to be as descriptive, but it should be organised. Try going to a new line after every dialogue. Add commas when you list things. Put a space after a period. Try not to creat run on sentences with the word "and" .

Three: Improve your grammar. When writing / telling a story, its best to keep the story in one tense; past or present. This allows for the reader to understand what is going on in the story more easily/ isn't as confusing.

Four: Remember to capitalize. Do this with pronouns, names of locations, the first word in a sentence, etc. This makes it look better and neater.

Five: SLOW DOWN. It seems that your story is very fast paced and there isn't a lot of time for the reader to keep up. It goes from introduction of main protagonist and then all of a sudden training with a friend. Try to break it down a bit.

Remember that these tips can be used for almost all types of writing! Good luck!


Read other stories on the forums to get a feel for writing.

Shameless Self Promotion xD

(Aug. 27, 2013  8:21 PM)eternal-f Wrote: sorry im still working it out i mean i literally made it 5 minutes ago

(Aug. 27, 2013  8:21 PM)eternal-f Wrote: sorry im still working it out i mean i literally made it 5 minutes ago

Quote:Hi! My name is Christopher Hay, and I live in the world of Panem. There are 12 districts and its all run by the uncaring capital. Each year every district has to randomly pick one girl and one boy between the ages of 12-18 to compete in the annual Hunger Games; a fight to the death broadcast on Live TV. I live in District 12, a.k.a the Coal District. We are also called "The Seam" and we are a very poor district.

I woke up in the middle of the night to my little sister Brandy. She having nightmares because she was finally old enough to to be a tribute. She had long dirty blonde hair and golden brown eyes that just sparkle off every light in the world. I gave her a hug and reminded her that she's only been in the reaping ball once it won't be her.
"Attendance is mandatory at the Reaping." I said to my mom.
She replies "I know! But how does this dress look christopher?
"Great. Now lets go." I replied in an impatient voice.
"What's the rush?" asked my mom. "It doesn't start for another hour; why dont you go look at something from the hob to pass time.
"I guess..." I replied.
In the hob i saw a pin that had a bird on it. I asked the lady "What is this?"
She replied "Oh! Thats a jabberjay."
"How much?" I asked.
The lady replied. "You know what.. Keep it."
"Thanks." I replied.
I rushed home to find Brandy on her bed sobbing. I got her up and held the pin in my hand and said "For good luck!" Brandy replied with a "Thanks" and gave me a big hug. She said, in a passionate voice, "I love you Christopher."
I replied "I love you too".
Just then my mother called us into the living room and said "Time to go!" We followed her to the reaping. There, the mayor gave a speech about the war and the Hunger Games and whatnot. Then the names got called. Ladies first as always. "Brandy Hay." said the lady on the stage.
I can't believe it out of all the names in the reaping ball she got chosen! Blood rushed through my veins and I was sweating heavily. Tears rushed down my face like a river. I can't take it! To watch my little sister die a bloody death in the arena...
I quickly reacted and ran after her. Then, I screamed at the top of my lungs.
"I VOLUNTEER! I VOLUNTEER!"
Everyone in the crowd gasped, as if a man just got shot in the head.
I said in a normal voice. "I Volunteer"
The lady on stage announced "Lets see if the Gamemakers let a boy volunteer for a girl. She went backstage and came out later, and announcing to the crowd.
"We have came to a conclusion we will allow this, but we will have to pick another girl tribute. But first what is your name, young man?"
"Christopher Hay." I replied.
She asked "Was that your sister?"
I replied "Yes"
"Oh. Well lets get on with the Reaping." She put her hand in the bowl and pulled out a name.
"Jamie swanson!" A girl with golden blonde hair and irish green eyes and a beautiful smile she came up to the stage.
I recognized her!