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+--- Thread: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. (/Thread-Beyblade-4D-The-Darkness-Within)
Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - Blitzy - Jan. 09, 2012
Decided to start a new story.
Chapter 1
very Journey Has To Start Somewhere."Hey Ruki,hurry up!We are gonna miss the tournament!"yelled Inuki.
"Okay,okay I'm coming!"Ruki yelled back.
It was an average day in Izuma Village.Yet another Beyblade tournament and Ruki hoped he was finally going to get further than the third round in a tournament.As Ruki and Inuki walked over to the park that the tournament was being held in we see a mysterious person in a clooak and a hood disapearing down an alley.As Ruki and Inuki reach the gate a man comes over and asks are they here to enter the tournament."Sure we are"they both replied at the same time.When they both signed up they went over to seperate stadiums as they weren't battling each other.As the organizer announced that the prize will be 300 BeyPoints everybody assumed their battling positions...
to be continued
P.S I wanted to know if you think this is a good story.[/size]
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - DefStamina88 - Jan. 09, 2012
Eh, it could be a bit better...
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - Blitzy - Jan. 09, 2012
I've only started this story and you're saying it could be better?!Seriously?!
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - Primal - Jan. 09, 2012
Well, chapters are generally supposed to be longer than one paragraph. Also, dialogue starts another paragraph. For the most part, you were fine with that, though.
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - Viral - Jan. 10, 2012
Your grammar was great, I only saw one spelling mistake, it was a bit short but it was okay. Next time you should make it longer and no spelling mistakes.
DefStamina88 again, he just started and this is okay for a starter
EDIT: we'll you can say that but you have to say what he could improve on, and also state what was good and what was not
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - Blitzy - Jan. 10, 2012
next chapter will be longer.also thank you NatsuDragneel
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - Blitzy - Jan. 10, 2012
Chapter 2:The Tournament.
[This is in Ruki's point of view as will be the rest of the story with occasional pov changes]
I could hardly wait for my battle in this tournament.I was abttling some kid named Aruni who's bey was Death Pegasus 100F.As I attached my bey which is called Ray Quetzalcoatl 90HF we started the battle cry.
3
2
1
Go Shoot!
The beys landed in the stadium and my bey already went on the offensive,attacking continously nearly knocking his Pegasus out at one point."Ok,it's time to get serious if I'm to get to the semi-finals"muttered Aruni.
"Ok Pegasus,let's go!Special Move Wing of Destruction!"yelled Aruni as his bey assumed a dark purple aura and went straight for the edge of the stadium.
"Oh no you don't!Quetz,Special Move!Wings of Fury!"I yelled back as my bey assumed a red aura and went after Aruni's bey."Oh no!"cried Aruni"You're gonna smash into me!".I grinned."Of course I am,that's what I want to happen."I replied.
"Go Quetz!"I yelled as my Quetzalcoatl smashed into his Pegasus.
"And Ruki Korusawe wins the battle by stadium out!"the organizer announced"Congratulations Ruki,you move onto the 2nd Round".I looked around.most people were finishing their battles.I looked all over the place and found what i've been loking for,my little brother Inuki."Hey Inuki have you won your battle?"I asked."Yup I sure did"he replied"What about you?"he asked."I won as well"I said.
Now I just wonder who I will battle in the next round...
TBC...
P.S.Is this better than chapter 1?
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - Blitzy - Jan. 10, 2012
ok who voted that it was bad
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - T. L-Drago 9207 - Jan. 10, 2012
check the results to see who it is
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - XXaron - Jan. 11, 2012
Well.
Needs better plot, more details...
describe the people...
But that's average.
And for once, I'm not complaining about grammar XD
Still, make it longer (A page or 2 in MS word), and etc.
But better then the usual carp on here, which go like 'bob batuled a dude and won bcuz his bey was teh besturest'.
I'm glad to see something with actual grammar here.
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - Blitzy - Jan. 11, 2012
you dont even know what the plot is.
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - XXaron - Jan. 11, 2012
...
I mean more development.
More details, because right now, it's just battling.
Add some behind-the-battle things, average life, etc. Still.
I don't know the plot, but adding more development would be good.
I'm not being mean. I'm trying to help.
alwaysdogrammarkthxbai
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - Blitzy - Jan. 13, 2012
have you read CH1?also there will be plenty of character development so dont worry
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - XXaron - Jan. 13, 2012
*majorbrainderp*
Sorry, I messed up...
And I did read chapter 1, I just had a brain derp moment.
But It's good to see someone trying to develop their characters.
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - Blitzy - Jan. 17, 2012
Chapter 3:The Darkness Is Coming.
I decicded to walk around for a few minutes before round 2.I saw everybody who was competing and saw a friend of mine,Chris Fudo.I walked over to him and asked did he win his battle.
"Sure did.Did you?"he replied.
"Same as you"I told him.
The organizer announced that round 2 was in progress and I walked over to who I was battling.It was a tall man wearing a black cloak and a hood.We started the battle cry.
3
2
1
Go Shoot!
Our beyblades landed in the stadium and his bey started attacking my Quetz almost immediately!What's more my bey's spin was taking a major pounding.
"Fine then I'm gonna have to use my special move!Let's go Quetz!Special Move Wings of Fury!"I cried as my bey assumed a red aura and went for the edge of the stadium."Hinh.I knew you were going to do that!Dark Move!Black Hole Destroy!"he shouted.
Everybody turned around."Dark Move did he say?"they all said.A black hole appeared out of nowhere and sucked my blade in.Suddenly the black hole exploded with my bey still inside.
"No Quetz!"I cried.
The explosion caused a lot of dust and everybody stood around there coughing.When the dust cleared I saw my Quetzalcoatl laying in the middle.But it was barely recognisable.All it's parts were cracked!
"No.Not Quetzalcoatl"I muttered.
"Bwa ha ha"the man in the cloak laughed at my despair."Anybody who loses against me falls in a coma.Bwahahaha"he kept on laughing.
My head suddenly started hurting and I fell to the ground...
To Be Continued...
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - Ultra - Jan. 17, 2012
This bit seems kinda dramatic for so early on. Also a coma? Very realistic... Other than that I think it's good.
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - Blitzy - Jan. 17, 2012
Yeah I know but he falls into a coma because of the Cloaked guys bey's dark power.
RE: Beyblade 4D:The Darkness Within. - Ultra - Jan. 18, 2012
I know but it's cheesy and a bad plot device.