World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.
Everything spins into Chaos. - Printable Version

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Everything spins into Chaos. - XXaron - Sep. 28, 2011

This is my first beyblade story, hopefully it's enjoyable.
Everything spins into chaos-A Beyblade story.
Chapter one:The beginning
Chapter two: Running
...
Chapter 3 part 1: Evil.

Part two of Chapter 3....
Chapter 3 part 2: The Occurrence's beginning
...

Chapter 4:Chaos rising
Chapter five: Into the Lion’s Den
Screw the character requests.
They're worthless.


RE: Everytihng spins into Chaos-A beyblade story. - Ripple - Sep. 28, 2011

Good story. I think it needs a tad bit of revamp, or rereading, as there is a little redundacy, and some lack of detail. But the plot and foreshadowing seems to follow a straight and well thought out plan. I think your off to great start, looking forward to seeing more.

ShockCaelum



RE: Everytihng spins into Chaos-A beyblade story. - XXaron - Sep. 28, 2011

(Sep. 28, 2011  1:48 AM)ShockCaelum Wrote: Good story. I think it needs a tad bit of revamp, or rereading, as there is a little redundacy, and some lack of detail. But the plot and foreshadowing seems to follow a straight and well thought out plan. I think your off to great start, looking forward to seeing more.

ShockCaelum

Thank you very much, Chapter tow should be out today or tommorow. I agree, it does get redundant, mainly because it only took me 2 hours to write, correct grammar/spelling mistakes, and post it. But I do write fast...
~X


RE: Everytihng spins into Chaos-A beyblade story. - XXaron - Sep. 28, 2011

Here's chapter two, and it's a doozie.
Chapter two: Running
...



RE: Everytihng spins into Chaos-A beyblade story. - XXaron - Oct. 02, 2011

Ok then, this is chapter 3, and it will be divided into two parts. Each will be in its own post.
Chapter 3 part 1: Evil.

Part two of Chapter 3....



RE: Everytihng spins into Chaos-A beyblade story. - XXaron - Oct. 07, 2011

Chapter four is up!
Chapter 4:Chaos rising



RE: Everything spins into Chaos-A beyblade story. - storm pegusas5 - Oct. 16, 2011

great but once u got to the 2 nd chapter u started to slack off


RE: Everything spins into Chaos-A beyblade story. - XXaron - Nov. 12, 2011

Oh, man, I cannot belive I havn't put any chapters up recently... I gurentee there will be one by tommorow night!
Doubt anyone will see this but...
~X~
EDIT: New chapter, Chapter 5 is now up!
Everything Spins into Chaos- Chapter five: Into the Lion’s Den



RE: Everything spins into Chaos-A beyblade story. (TAKING 2 CHARACTER REQUESTS) - XXaron - Nov. 13, 2011

I am now officially taking GOOD character requests. I will only accept ones sent via PM, if it's posted in the topic I will ignore it. And there's only 2 spots, and once their filled there will never be any more request openings. Better get to work on those good sheets Grin!


RE: Everything spins into Chaos-A beyblade story. (TAKING 2 CHARACTER REQUESTS) - XXaron - Jan. 12, 2012

Well.
I learned a lot recently.
Screw the character requests.
I'll finish up a little of Chapter 6, post a preview after I get a bit done.
Doubt any one will read this...
Ok, Chaper 6 preview.
Twists, anyone?
Chapter 6: Chains
eeeI awoke, finding myself surrounded by impenetrable darkness. I heard no sounds, and wondered Am I dead? My question was answered when a loud, squealing noise broke the silence that filled the room like a thick soup. A rectangle of light appeared, but my eyes were so adjusted to the dark I couldn’t make out anything. Finally, after a bit, I could finally make out shapes, and realize it was someone with a food cart.
eeeI heard someone mumble “Well, it took them long enough to get us food…”
eeeI finally felt my arms, hanging at my side, chained to the wall. I looked down at them, and luckily there was enough light to see my skin was almost albino white.
eeeI thought out loud, “How long was I out?”
I got an answer from my least expected source.
The person with the food cart.
Kent.
To be continued…


RE: Everything spins into Chaos. - Blitzy - Jan. 16, 2012

PURE AWESOMNESS!!


RE: Everything spins into Chaos. - XXaron - Jan. 16, 2012

Well, I wish I had a bit more critisism then that Uncertain
Why is it so great, what can be improved on, etc.
Working on Chapter 6, also.


RE: Everything spins into Chaos. - Sparta - Jan. 17, 2012

To be honest, it's a little messy. Try to make paragraphs and skip a line when using dialogue (Unless it's the same person twice in a row). Otherwise, just cut back on the dialogue and think through descriptions. Use literary devices and similes+metaphors. If you really want to get complicated, you can try to put in a few foreshadows of future events.


RE: Everything spins into Chaos. - XXaron - Jan. 17, 2012

Thank you.
That's the most criticism I've gotten in this topic XD


RE: Everything spins into Chaos. - nationsbeyblade - Feb. 17, 2012

and you tell me i have no paragraphs T_T


RE: Everything spins into Chaos. - TenshouTsubasa - Feb. 17, 2012

Quote:..I walked through my small neighborhood, heading to the BeyCenter, which was where all the stadiums near me were located, other than the worthless practice stadiums that were too small for actual battle. I looked down at my Steel (A metal wheel that seemed to have claws poking out of its otherwise smooth surface that faced to the right) Panther (Shaped like 4 cat’s open maws following one another, like wolf) MP150 (Metal Protector, shaped like BD145 but at a higher height and less likely for floor scrapes) MJB (Metal Jog Ball), which never lost a battle until that day.
You know, if I were you I wouldn't describe the parts in details because that ruins your eyes.
In fact, I would like to describe the parts within a battle,like:

Quote:A attacks my bey's track with his bey. Fortunately, the circular shape of MP150 prevents it from gaining high damage.
*Notice: It is not in your story.

Apart from that, except the paragraph problems in the first part, this is a really good story.
Keep it up.
Tips:

It is a lousy idea to write the upgrade like that.
The M.C with the bey-fixer should have a fight, then the bey-fixer will tell him about the special abilities of the new bey, that would be better.


RE: Everything spins into Chaos. - XXaron - Feb. 17, 2012

Thanks for the advice, and of course if I re-write anything, I'll be sure to include it.
Thanks for the advice!
And nations, like I said in the PM to you, my story is pretty bad, considering this was the first one I've written on here... but I need all the criticism I can get!


RE: Everything spins into Chaos. - Goku911 - Mar. 05, 2012

This is a piece of carp.


RE: Everything spins into Chaos. - XXaron - Mar. 06, 2012

Well, that is one helpful comment, considering you gave me no reason why it is...
Really good job making out what kind of person you are. Really, really great job Uncertain
Anyways, sorry about no new chapter, got tons of schoolwork, and I'm helping out someone on their story (Fixing grammer, lengthening chapters, etc). I have a full plate, so when I have some freetime I'll get straitgh to work on the next chapter, and after that will be a final chapter.
Followed by an epilouge, which will lead into the sequal.
I got this thing all planned out.


RE: Everything spins into Chaos. - Goku911 - Mar. 11, 2012

Well it was way too detailed and no life that one by the rock leone guy was good but your's was lifeless.


RE: Everything spins into Chaos. - vari aries 723 - Mar. 11, 2012

hi


RE: Everything spins into Chaos. - XXaron - Mar. 11, 2012

...
So an expository story has more life then an actual narritive?
And I put detail so you can tell what's going on. I prefer more detail then none.
And to anyone with actual legit criticisms... Please, comment and give me advice. I need advice to keep geting better, and I wish to please as many people as possible.
Other then those who wish for short, grammarless chapters.


RE: Everything spins into Chaos. - Duck - Apr. 08, 2012

I don't like this story because there is too much detail and not enough action. There is also too much “carp” and the characters have no personalities.
Tip: Write more dialogue. Dialogue makes a story interesting and unique. Plus it gives your charachters more charachter.


RE: Everything spins into Chaos. - sonicsora123 - Apr. 08, 2012

It's pretty good. I have'nt read all of it butit's alright from what ive seen.

Youve got some good ideas. but you need to portray them better. you need to use words that draw attention to them selves rather than repeating them.
Quote:.“ONE!” The crowd shouted in unison.
...“Let it rip!” Both Kent and I yelled in unison.

you have desribed but at a low level. use better vocabulary rather than (like ^) repeating words. Instead you couldve written this


"ONE!" The crowd shouted in unison.
"Let it rip" My opponent and I yelled jointly.


The characters are wrong. they keep changing personality etc. and thhis is probably beacause of lack of description at the beginning.

You change too quickly between places. Explain how he walked back to his house etc. the reader likes to know this kinda stuff

I like your scentence use though. After reading chapter 3 i was sure.

I like this "occurence" thing. It is suspeenseful. GOOD IDEA (^0_0^)

FYI: you dont have to explain stuff like that in the NOTE. it may have helped some people but i wouldve enjoyed trying to work it out myself.

PS: can u PM me wen a new chapter comes out. Its really good :>)-(-<


RE: Everything spins into Chaos. - XXaron - Apr. 08, 2012

Hey, thanks. It's posts like that which allow me to become a better writer...
And I do agree, I will have to re-write the previous chapters simply so they seem better and far more consistant.
Thanks for the advice!