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+--- Thread: Spinning out of Control, A Beyblade Story (/Thread-Spinning-out-of-Control-A-Beyblade-Story)
Spinning out of Control, A Beyblade Story - CyberBlader27 - Aug. 01, 2011
“Hey guys!†An average sounding kid yelled to who I supposed were his friends. I took a look around the side of the building that I was leaning against and heard more of the conversation, as well as saw the said Average Joe he had blue hair and was holding what looked to me like A Beyblade. Now my attention was sparked. “You ready?†The blue haired boy asked to a rather plump youth standing parallel to him, who replied with a nod. There were others watching what was soon to be a battle.
It was then that I heard my favorite words.
“Three… Two… One… Let it RIP!!!†The boys spoke in unison. I heard the sound of metal clanging, followed by battle cries. I decided to inch closer, picking up speed and hurrying over to the park and towards the battle. In a matter of seconds, I was next to the Bey-Stadium, watching the action.
I asked the group, “Hey, can I watch?†and they replied with a simple ‘Why not?’ and a shrug of their shoulders. “Go on.†I gestured to the stadium, “Get back to battling…†I crouched in close to the stadium and took out my scanner. It recognized the beys as Earth Bull AD145 WD and Cyber Gemios 100 RF.
“Go, Gemios! Digital Twin Strike!!!†The blue boy screeched. His bey started to move around the tornado ridge incredibly fast, creating the illusion of having two Beyblades. Then Gemios moved in and the force of the double-bladed attack threw Bull into the air and out of the stadium. “Phew, what a battle that was! I almost lost!†The thin boy stated.
“Nice.†I said, shaking the blue haired boy’s hand. “You got a name?†I asked.
“Yoshimori. Call me Yoshi.†He smiled.
“Okay, Yoshi. I’m Jet. Anyway, I like you’re style. How about we ha-†A Beyblade whizzed past my ear. “Yoshi, get down! I’ll handle this, whatever this is…†I looked at the enemy, “What the hell were you trying to do, get me killed or something? What do You have against me?â€
“You’re too nice.†said a raspy voice, “I mean what kind of experienced Blader uses his abilities to get the ‘bad guys’ caught?!†I turned to see a group of people crowding the body that possessed such a horrifying voice.
“Hey, I do what’s right, and if you try to hurt someone with Beyblades, then you’re the one who’s wrong! Take this!†I whipped out my Ray Eagle and ripped it full speed at those jerks. “I may be new to this place, but I’ve been here long enough to know that you guys are nothing but trash!!!â€
“Octo!†The figure barked, snapping his fingers. I flurry of beys came at me, I’m guessing eight, seven not counting the one that hit Eagle. I jumped into the air, dodging the Bey-Tornado and landing to snatch Eagle off the ground and pull a fist back in front of the mysterious figure’s smug face.
“Get ready for impact!†my voice boomed, my fist an inch away. “-Gah!†I grunted as the air was knocked from my lungs. I lay in a crumpled heap right next to the Bey-Stadium.
“Well, we got what we were looking for, so bye, goody two shoes,†the man chuckled. He and his group walked away.
“Jet!!!†The last thing I saw before I passed out was Yoshi running towards me, the surrounding people panicking and fleeing the scene. Spinning out of control, my mind slipped into unconsciousness.
RE: Spinning out of Control, A Beyblade Story - Sparta - Aug. 01, 2011
YOSHI?!
Why have a green dinosaur in your bey story?
Uhh....review:
1. Not terrible. You used some descriptions and a few transitions, but I never really got the feel of the battle. Try and describe the beys and the battling rather than him running over; by changing the focus point your story can seem more intense.
2. Your indenting and line spacing was well done. The story looks neat and organized.
RE: Spinning out of Control, A Beyblade Story - .:J:. - Aug. 01, 2011
Pretty good, not the same as some stories. however i think it could be improved...
RE: Spinning out of Control, A Beyblade Story - MakaCHOP! - Aug. 02, 2011
Good...WTF YOSHIII
RE: Spinning out of Control, A Beyblade Story - TenshouTsubasa - Aug. 02, 2011
Quote: It recognized the beys as Earth Bull AD145 WD and Cyber Gemios 100 RF.I prefer
Quote:I then recognized.....
Anyway , why there is a Yoshi in your story?
RE: Spinning out of Control, A Beyblade Story - CyberBlader27 - Aug. 02, 2011
(Aug. 02, 2011 6:44 PM)天翔翼 TenshouYoku Wrote:'It' is the scanner, but okay.Quote: It recognized the beys as Earth Bull AD145 WD and Cyber Gemios 100 RF.I prefer
Quote:I then recognized.....
(Aug. 02, 2011 6:44 PM)天翔翼 TenshouYoku Wrote: Anyway , why there is a Yoshi in your story?Yoshimori is a real name.
RE: Spinning out of Control, A Beyblade Story - sonicsora123 - Aug. 02, 2011
Like the song reference: im spinning out of control, out of control. lol. XD
anyway the story is good however there is room for improvement. you didn't use any advanced features like similes, metaphors. too much speech as well. also try and vary sentence length. its readable though. right on the average. still if you add these things then it will be great
PS: I LOVE YOSHImori whatever
RE: Spinning out of Control, A Beyblade Story - CyberBlader27 - Aug. 03, 2011
(Aug. 02, 2011 7:44 PM)sonicsora123 Wrote: Like the song reference: im spinning out of control, out of control. lol. XDWhat? There's are song I referenced?!
(Aug. 02, 2011 7:44 PM)sonicsora123 Wrote: anyway the story is good however there is room for improvement. you didn't use any advanced features like similes, metaphors. too much speech as well. also try and vary sentence length. its readable though. right on the average. still if you add these things then it will be greatThanks. This is just something I came up with at four in the morning yesterday, so that's why it's not advanced.
(Aug. 02, 2011 7:44 PM)sonicsora123 Wrote: I LOVE YOSHImori whateverThat should be sigged.
RE: Spinning out of Control, A Beyblade Story - Minho - Aug. 03, 2011
OH MY TRUCKING GOD!!! YOSHI!!!
RE: Spinning out of Control, A Beyblade Story - RowDog - Aug. 03, 2011
Yes a characters name is Yoshi, that does not mean he is a green dinosaur from Mario.
In terms of the story I prefer it when original made up parts are used so you describe it and what it does instead of using a common part and just skip the whole description. All in all it is a relatively good story. Can't really think right now.
RE: Spinning out of Control, A Beyblade Story - CyberBlader27 - Aug. 03, 2011
Hmm... The only person who voted 'STOP WRITING!!!' was JÆMS, and his profile says he's been away since December...
(Aug. 02, 2011 7:44 PM)sonicsora123 Wrote: Like the song reference: im spinning out of control, out of control. lol. XDOh yeah, I just heard that song in a Beyblade AMV. I like it, but not so much the screamo parts...
