World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.
The Battle Within: Darkness Consumes; A BeyStory - Printable Version

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The Battle Within: Darkness Consumes; A BeyStory - iVtechboyinpa - Jul. 13, 2011

First of all, I wanna say a couple of things. I want to thank Bunnii2165 for his Writer's Handbook; it was very useful in the writing of this story. This is my first story, so it's rough around the edges. I acknowledge that. I also know something you guys will probably hate very much...that it's a bunch of words with no action XD I know. There's one battle scene and it's not even that well described, but I have my reasons. Remember, everything has a start. This is only the start, there's more to come and I promise, more beybattles. Everytime I make a new chapter, I'll post it in the OP. And with no further ado...


Chapter 1: The Story of a Boy named Lozen (Click to View)
Chapter 2: The Other Side of Me (Click to View)



RE: Beyblade: The Darkness Within - Vintage - Jul. 14, 2011

This is actually a very good start to a story, and I like how it ends with suspense.


RE: Beyblade: The Darkness Within - iVtechboyinpa - Jul. 14, 2011

(Jul. 14, 2011  12:56 AM)Vintage Wrote: This is actually a very good start to a story, and I like how it ends with suspense.

Weee! Thanks Grin


RE: Beyblade: The Darkness Within - Sparta - Jul. 14, 2011

"I was hanging out" "It was time". Pretty drastic change, there. Might wanna add some transition sentences...


RE: Beyblade: The Darkness Within - iVtechboyinpa - Jul. 14, 2011

(Jul. 14, 2011  1:25 AM)Sparta Wrote: "I was hanging out" "It was time". Pretty drastic change, there. Might wanna add some transition sentences...

Altered it. Better?


RE: Beyblade: The Darkness Within - Sparta - Jul. 14, 2011

(Jul. 14, 2011  1:32 AM)GPerseus Master Wrote:
(Jul. 14, 2011  1:25 AM)Sparta Wrote: "I was hanging out" "It was time". Pretty drastic change, there. Might wanna add some transition sentences...

Altered it. Better?
It still doesn't feel exactly right, but it's much better. Reread your work and do that wherever else you feel it doesn't flow.


RE: Beyblade: The Darkness Within - iVtechboyinpa - Jul. 14, 2011

(Jul. 14, 2011  1:36 AM)Sparta Wrote:
(Jul. 14, 2011  1:32 AM)GPerseus Master Wrote:
(Jul. 14, 2011  1:25 AM)Sparta Wrote: "I was hanging out" "It was time". Pretty drastic change, there. Might wanna add some transition sentences...

Altered it. Better?
It still doesn't feel exactly right, but it's much better. Reread your work and do that wherever else you feel it doesn't flow.

Alright thanks. Tip taken Grin


RE: Beyblade: The Darkness Within - Minho - Jul. 18, 2011

sparta... if you've made the review can u please PM it to me.
(Jul. 13, 2011  11:39 PM)DrigerS Master Wrote: I want to thank Bunnii2165 for his Writer's Handbook
your welcome


RE: Beyblade: The Darkness Within - iVtechboyinpa - Aug. 05, 2011

Sorry I haven't done the story..haven't been feeling it lately. I'll have another chapter up in a few; I'll try to keep up on it.


RE: Beyblade: The Darkness Within - MakaCHOP! - Aug. 05, 2011

This is in deed a good story...

Anyway The start is very good. I am not good at writing but i do know when i see a good sor and this has a very good start.


RE: Beyblade: The Darkness Within - iVtechboyinpa - Aug. 05, 2011

(Aug. 05, 2011  2:41 AM)Fyurity Wrote: This is in deed a good story...

Anyway The start is very good. I am not good at writing but i do know when i see a good sor and this has a very good start.

Thanks Grin the second chapter should be even better. I took Sparta's tips. Well, I tried to. Lol; you'll see :p
Second chapter up!


RE: The Battle Within: Darkness Consumes; A BeyStory - Temporal - Aug. 05, 2011

Not bad, dude. Not too shabby. I actually read it through. Twice. Not something that happens often, mind you. You should be proud of yourself. (Well, we now know who's gonna be one of the next good writers here.)
I'm done reviewing it. You'll really like your review, man. I have almost no complaints.


RE: The Battle Within: Darkness Consumes; A BeyStory - iVtechboyinpa - Aug. 05, 2011

(Aug. 05, 2011  4:34 AM)Temporal Wrote: Not bad, dude. Not too shabby. I actually read it through. Twice. Not something that happens often, mind you. You should be proud of yourself. (Well, we now know who's gonna be one of the next good writers here.)
I'm done reviewing it. You'll really like your review, man. I have almost no complaints.

Woahhh. Epic! Thanks, Temporal! That's great to hear, being this my first time ever writing a story.


RE: The Battle Within: Darkness Consumes; A BeyStory - Temporal - Aug. 05, 2011

Yeah, very few people get a stamp of approval from me, but you definitely deserve one. My review has one tip for you, it's in the spoiler at the end. You'll see it soon.


RE: The Battle Within: Darkness Consumes; A BeyStory - iVtechboyinpa - Aug. 05, 2011

Thanks a lot Grin I'm waiting in anticipation. I don't know how long I can wait Pinching_eyes_2