(May. 27, 2011  8:34 AM)peace Wrote: min if i comment on a few things?
firstly, man you are one talented kid. you can write such a great stories by combining certain elements in your story.

secondly, you need to be careful though on the details that you've been mention. sometime you need to be precise on the details. don't go around the bush then you get back to the same point. it is hard for the readers to understand what are you trying to state.

thirdly, i was searching for part three than i got a little bit confused because i thought that calliar mini story have to do with part three. then i notice that it is totally different. make sure that you finish your current story before creating/posting another one because the reader can get confuse.

lastly, you surely can write a pretty good story there. keep on develop your technique and be sure to not taking simple things lightly because if you do, that will surely destroys your story from within such as to many details no or less description. you have the potential to be a good writer. keep it man. i'll be waiting for the part three. congrats on your well written story. sincere from me. i'm sorry if there is things that i wrote is kind of harsh or something.

keep it up man

(Jun. 03, 2011  2:11 PM)peace Wrote:

Spoiler (Click to View)

(May. 31, 2011  12:14 PM)Naitrax Wrote: Here comes a new story:


Feren’s Diary
12:00 PM, 11-9-02, Isle of the Wolves, Madrigal Village
Dear Diary,
“Time to end this feud!” yelled the Madrigal Chieftain Loren. “For Mozart!” he then bellowed. “For Mozart!” screamed the villagers in unison. “Prepare. We have 24 hours before we attack. So be ready!” The villagers all shuffled off to prepare for battle. I was the last to leave. I left to go and read some books in Tellen’s Library. It was my favourite place. Later that day I went home and tried to fall asleep but to no avail.

05:00 AM, 12-9-02, Isle of the Wolves, Madrigal Village
Dear Diary,
They attacked at dawn. They came like monsters, appearing out of the night. Chieftain Loren didn’t stand a chance. I will never forget that day, the day I first watched a wolf die, but it would be the first of many. The evil Chief Assassin of the Kaylo Tribe tore his eyes out. Then, Cabalat the Cannibal ate his heart. Our tribe fell to the Kaylo Tribe. They killed my parents. I managed to escape into the forest, almost flying down the path. The world turned black as I fell down on the ground, miles away from the village.

07:00 PM, 28-2-03, Mergers Island, Caine Forest
Dear Diary,
This is my first entry in almost six months. I have grown much since The Event, as many are calling it. I have started a new life on Mergers Island. I am slowly recruiting wolves, owls, bears, and ravens to return and defeat the Kaylo Tribe on The Isle of the Wolves. We are calling ourselves The Madrigal Avengers. We have roughly around 252 members. Tomorrow, at the beginning of the new season, we will attack. Farewell, my friend as I will not have time to write for a while now.

11:00 AM, 15-3-03, Isle of the Wolves, Reclaimed Madrigal Village
Dear Diary,
We succeeded. We destroyed the Kaylo Tribe. It happened like this:
We crossed the Sundas Straight easily. We passed through the forest, and into the village. They didn’t see us coming. The Chief Assassin was unprepared. He fell to an owl. The owl was a small pygmy owl called Peiren. Ravens ate Cabalat the Cannibal. I killed the Chieftain with a quick claw to the head. And that was it. The Kaylo Wolves got out of there as soon as they heard their top three wolves were dead. We had won. We actually won. It felt so good to win.
And so it ended. We re-established the Madrigal Village, and we renamed the Isle of the Wolves the Isle of Unity.

08:00 PM, 9-7-03, Isle of Unity, Madrigal Village
Dear Diary,
Life is perfect. The village has reformed and made me their Chieftain. I now have a wife and two children, one boy and one girl. We are the happiest family in the world. And this is Feren, signing off for the last time. Farewell, my friends, and I wish you the best in your lives. Good-bye.


Do you like it

---

Furret’s Amazing Adventure Part 1 of 5
Chapter 1: Mum Missing
It was a normal day. A day like any other for Furret Treestump. He woke to his normal alarm noise (A wrecking ball going through a forest). He got up and had a normal freezing cold shower (while thinking that he should ask Mum to ring the plumber). He went to the kitchen for breakfast but found that Mum was not there. “Mum!!!!!!!!” he yelled. No reply. Then he noticed that there was a note on the fridge. It read: MY DEAR FURRET, I HAVE GONE TO......... The rest of the note is smudged and is unreadable. It was obviously written in a rush. “Hmmmmmm” thought Furret. “Maybe she was mumnapped!!” If she had been kidnapped, he would have to act fast. He picked up his pet ferret, Cindy, grabbed his rucksack and threw the essentials into it: water, some food, a flashlight, his spy kit & his decoder kit. He quickly got out of his school uniform and into his casual clothes. He and Cindy locked all the windows and doors and used his super-secret tunnel to get out. “See ya later house” he thought as he sprinted down the driveway and out into the street.
Chapter 2: Decoding
He pulled out the message that his mother had written when he reached External Lane. “Hmmm, maybe it is in code!!!” Furret exclaimed excitedly. Furret didn’t know that someone else had heard him. Someone who knew exactly where Mum was. And that person was going to stop him at all costs. Furret pulled out his decoder kit and flipped through booklet number 51 (Coded Messages & Decoding them) until he came to page 798. He looked at the Alphabetic Code and started to match up the letters to words. In the end he ended up with these letters RGEKSFCHUKE MLEI FURRET. Furret thought for a second then realised something: every second letter didn’t make sense. He took out some letters and was left with RESCUE ME FURRET. OK, it was time to go it was already 12:30 PM and he didn’t like the look of a shadow about to round the bend. He sprinted into the Excitement Corporation Building and typed in his code to the plant pot. When no one was looking the plant pot lifted up to reveal an elevator and Furret clambered in.
Chapter 3: The REVENGE
When the elevator stopped Furret crawled out and entered Treestump Fortress (a.k.a Furret’s top-secret high tech underground cavern with adjoining sea). He sprinted over to Lake Arc and walked into the submarine tunnel (sub tunnel). Inside the Sub Tunnel he started loading his equipment into his submarine, The REVENGE. The REVENGE was a large submarine painted a deep lapis colour with twin propeller engines and a small tree stump hatch. Furret opened the hatch and entered the submarine, turned on the engines and typed 45 Acrobat Way on the keyboard. 2 hours later he was at his destination.
Chapter 4: Secrets and Lies
Furret was thinking. Already 3:45PM and he didn’t have any leads for his quest.
Where to next? He thought. Then it struck him like lightning. “Go back to where it all started: Home!!!!!!!!!” he said. 10 minutes later he was at number 22 Poshwagon Street. Then in to the secret tunnel. Then to Mum’s room. Furret felt around in the back of Mum’s make-up draw and found a tiny little switch and he flicked it. There was a loud rumbling noise as the dresser moved back into the wall and another dresser came out. Furret opened the 2nd drawer on the dresser. Inside, the draw was lined with maroon leather pouches stuffed full of parchment and quills. There was also a large black box. Furret opened his rucksack and let Cindy out to do her favourite thing: pick locks. Later he read the piece of parchment that said: Items for the Crystal Quest:
One Lapis Lazuli sword inscribed with 32 golden squiggles
One blood red Ruby sword inscribed with 32 pitch-black lines
One violet Amethyst sword inscribed with 32 sky blue zigzags
One Star from the clutches of space
One Clock sword from the depths of time
And a scabbard for each of the swords to lay on the table that will release the hostage.
“She’s been keeping secrets and telling lies to me forever” whispered the son of the hostage.
Chapter 5: Lapis Lazuli
Furret raced through the front yard and up his treehouse ladder. He had an instinctive feeling that the Lapis sword was up here. He scanned the area and was not surprised to see a brown paper trail leading from a drawer. He flung open the drawer and ripped open the paper package. “What?” gasped Furret. Instead of finding the lapis stone he found a old wilting rose, a small obelisk, and a piece of ancient parchment. He read the heading of the parchment.
Prophecy
Two children of the ancient lords,
Shall combine to seek the ancient swords.
Cooperation plays its role,
Or let the children take its toll.
The flames may burn and shadows pass,
But never forget the sacred grass.
Accursed hands may creep from the edge,
The worlds fate lay behind a stone henge.
Two children from the ancient lords? Who were the ancient lords? He had so many questions that he didn’t notice the glint of lapis coming from his boxing bag. Then he noticed it. He pulled out the top leather. Inside was a large lapis sword. Yes! He had found the first sword! “Well done, Crystal’s child. You have served us well. Thank you for the first sword.” He whirled around to see 12 knights in armour as dark as the night. They rushed at him before he had time to think. His head hit the floor as he blacked out.



End Part 1

good story. the first one is like a journal type of story. i like it though. it is like a movie.

second one is good also...nice effort to explain everything in detail...

(Jun. 06, 2011  8:06 AM)Naitrax Wrote:

(Jun. 03, 2011  2:11 PM)peace Wrote:

Spoiler (Click to View)

(May. 31, 2011  12:14 PM)Naitrax Wrote: Here comes a new story:


Feren’s Diary
12:00 PM, 11-9-02, Isle of the Wolves, Madrigal Village
Dear Diary,
“Time to end this feud!” yelled the Madrigal Chieftain Loren. “For Mozart!” he then bellowed. “For Mozart!” screamed the villagers in unison. “Prepare. We have 24 hours before we attack. So be ready!” The villagers all shuffled off to prepare for battle. I was the last to leave. I left to go and read some books in Tellen’s Library. It was my favourite place. Later that day I went home and tried to fall asleep but to no avail.

05:00 AM, 12-9-02, Isle of the Wolves, Madrigal Village
Dear Diary,
They attacked at dawn. They came like monsters, appearing out of the night. Chieftain Loren didn’t stand a chance. I will never forget that day, the day I first watched a wolf die, but it would be the first of many. The evil Chief Assassin of the Kaylo Tribe tore his eyes out. Then, Cabalat the Cannibal ate his heart. Our tribe fell to the Kaylo Tribe. They killed my parents. I managed to escape into the forest, almost flying down the path. The world turned black as I fell down on the ground, miles away from the village.

07:00 PM, 28-2-03, Mergers Island, Caine Forest
Dear Diary,
This is my first entry in almost six months. I have grown much since The Event, as many are calling it. I have started a new life on Mergers Island. I am slowly recruiting wolves, owls, bears, and ravens to return and defeat the Kaylo Tribe on The Isle of the Wolves. We are calling ourselves The Madrigal Avengers. We have roughly around 252 members. Tomorrow, at the beginning of the new season, we will attack. Farewell, my friend as I will not have time to write for a while now.

11:00 AM, 15-3-03, Isle of the Wolves, Reclaimed Madrigal Village
Dear Diary,
We succeeded. We destroyed the Kaylo Tribe. It happened like this:
We crossed the Sundas Straight easily. We passed through the forest, and into the village. They didn’t see us coming. The Chief Assassin was unprepared. He fell to an owl. The owl was a small pygmy owl called Peiren. Ravens ate Cabalat the Cannibal. I killed the Chieftain with a quick claw to the head. And that was it. The Kaylo Wolves got out of there as soon as they heard their top three wolves were dead. We had won. We actually won. It felt so good to win.
And so it ended. We re-established the Madrigal Village, and we renamed the Isle of the Wolves the Isle of Unity.

08:00 PM, 9-7-03, Isle of Unity, Madrigal Village
Dear Diary,
Life is perfect. The village has reformed and made me their Chieftain. I now have a wife and two children, one boy and one girl. We are the happiest family in the world. And this is Feren, signing off for the last time. Farewell, my friends, and I wish you the best in your lives. Good-bye.


Do you like it

---

Furret’s Amazing Adventure Part 1 of 5
Chapter 1: Mum Missing
It was a normal day. A day like any other for Furret Treestump. He woke to his normal alarm noise (A wrecking ball going through a forest). He got up and had a normal freezing cold shower (while thinking that he should ask Mum to ring the plumber). He went to the kitchen for breakfast but found that Mum was not there. “Mum!!!!!!!!” he yelled. No reply. Then he noticed that there was a note on the fridge. It read: MY DEAR FURRET, I HAVE GONE TO......... The rest of the note is smudged and is unreadable. It was obviously written in a rush. “Hmmmmmm” thought Furret. “Maybe she was mumnapped!!” If she had been kidnapped, he would have to act fast. He picked up his pet ferret, Cindy, grabbed his rucksack and threw the essentials into it: water, some food, a flashlight, his spy kit & his decoder kit. He quickly got out of his school uniform and into his casual clothes. He and Cindy locked all the windows and doors and used his super-secret tunnel to get out. “See ya later house” he thought as he sprinted down the driveway and out into the street.
Chapter 2: Decoding
He pulled out the message that his mother had written when he reached External Lane. “Hmmm, maybe it is in code!!!” Furret exclaimed excitedly. Furret didn’t know that someone else had heard him. Someone who knew exactly where Mum was. And that person was going to stop him at all costs. Furret pulled out his decoder kit and flipped through booklet number 51 (Coded Messages & Decoding them) until he came to page 798. He looked at the Alphabetic Code and started to match up the letters to words. In the end he ended up with these letters RGEKSFCHUKE MLEI FURRET. Furret thought for a second then realised something: every second letter didn’t make sense. He took out some letters and was left with RESCUE ME FURRET. OK, it was time to go it was already 12:30 PM and he didn’t like the look of a shadow about to round the bend. He sprinted into the Excitement Corporation Building and typed in his code to the plant pot. When no one was looking the plant pot lifted up to reveal an elevator and Furret clambered in.
Chapter 3: The REVENGE
When the elevator stopped Furret crawled out and entered Treestump Fortress (a.k.a Furret’s top-secret high tech underground cavern with adjoining sea). He sprinted over to Lake Arc and walked into the submarine tunnel (sub tunnel). Inside the Sub Tunnel he started loading his equipment into his submarine, The REVENGE. The REVENGE was a large submarine painted a deep lapis colour with twin propeller engines and a small tree stump hatch. Furret opened the hatch and entered the submarine, turned on the engines and typed 45 Acrobat Way on the keyboard. 2 hours later he was at his destination.
Chapter 4: Secrets and Lies
Furret was thinking. Already 3:45PM and he didn’t have any leads for his quest.
Where to next? He thought. Then it struck him like lightning. “Go back to where it all started: Home!!!!!!!!!” he said. 10 minutes later he was at number 22 Poshwagon Street. Then in to the secret tunnel. Then to Mum’s room. Furret felt around in the back of Mum’s make-up draw and found a tiny little switch and he flicked it. There was a loud rumbling noise as the dresser moved back into the wall and another dresser came out. Furret opened the 2nd drawer on the dresser. Inside, the draw was lined with maroon leather pouches stuffed full of parchment and quills. There was also a large black box. Furret opened his rucksack and let Cindy out to do her favourite thing: pick locks. Later he read the piece of parchment that said: Items for the Crystal Quest:
One Lapis Lazuli sword inscribed with 32 golden squiggles
One blood red Ruby sword inscribed with 32 pitch-black lines
One violet Amethyst sword inscribed with 32 sky blue zigzags
One Star from the clutches of space
One Clock sword from the depths of time
And a scabbard for each of the swords to lay on the table that will release the hostage.
“She’s been keeping secrets and telling lies to me forever” whispered the son of the hostage.
Chapter 5: Lapis Lazuli
Furret raced through the front yard and up his treehouse ladder. He had an instinctive feeling that the Lapis sword was up here. He scanned the area and was not surprised to see a brown paper trail leading from a drawer. He flung open the drawer and ripped open the paper package. “What?” gasped Furret. Instead of finding the lapis stone he found a old wilting rose, a small obelisk, and a piece of ancient parchment. He read the heading of the parchment.
Prophecy
Two children of the ancient lords,
Shall combine to seek the ancient swords.
Cooperation plays its role,
Or let the children take its toll.
The flames may burn and shadows pass,
But never forget the sacred grass.
Accursed hands may creep from the edge,
The worlds fate lay behind a stone henge.
Two children from the ancient lords? Who were the ancient lords? He had so many questions that he didn’t notice the glint of lapis coming from his boxing bag. Then he noticed it. He pulled out the top leather. Inside was a large lapis sword. Yes! He had found the first sword! “Well done, Crystal’s child. You have served us well. Thank you for the first sword.” He whirled around to see 12 knights in armour as dark as the night. They rushed at him before he had time to think. His head hit the floor as he blacked out.



End Part 1

good story. the first one is like a journal type of story. i like it though. it is like a movie.

second one is good also...nice effort to explain everything in detail...

Dude, Its called Feren's Diary

(Aug. 02, 2011  7:28 AM)Bunnii2165 Wrote: this stuff is really good... i wrote a book called the runaways and this has inspired me to continue it! thanks!