(Oct. 18, 2020  2:59 PM)kai edits Wrote: Chapter 14 the finals awaken fusion warrior
Gwynn:hmm you made it this far shun let's see how strong you be came.
Dimitri walks into gwynn's room
Dimitri:I need you help me beat shun
Later
Free:shun are you ok since you fused. You seemed a little bit weird
Shun:I am fine. It's just i-
Dimitri kicks down the door shun's hospital room
Dimitri:shun battle me
Shun jumps
Shun:ah what the hell is wrong with you .
Freeimitri I think you went to far. Shun are you ok?
A bright light comes from shun. Shun's earrings glows blue.
Shun:alright. Dimitri I will battle you . but first I have a tournament to win.
At the tournament. Next match valt vs aiga vs shun vs shu.
Valt:wow I did not expect shun to be here.
Aiga:she is really strong trust me.
Shu:she is my sister. And she is getting married.
Shun:are you seriously gonna start.
3 2 1 go shoot.
Shu:go spriggan world upper
Aiga go Achilles
Valt:go valkyrie
The 3 beys hit maiden at the same time.
Shun:what a pain. Maiden Maidens collection.
Maiden steals power from spriggan,valkyrie,and Achilles.
Everybody:nani.
Shun:are you trying to actually make me go serious.
Maiden knocks all the other beys back.
Everyboby:she is so strong. Dang is she even trying.
Maiden attack the attack beys.
Shun:maiden let's finish this.
The mark of maiden began to glow black.
Shun:go maiden finish thi-
Shun unfuses.
Shun:what happened.
Maiden:the mark is reacting to something.
Shun:maiden go maidens recollection
Maiden hits spriggan and Achilles.
Shu:I was waiting for that spriggan upper shoot.
Spriggan knocks maiden into valkyrie.
Shun:maiden go.
A big of energy explodes from maiden. Valkyrie and Achilles were sent flying. And valkyrie bursts mid air.
Shun:well that's the end of valkyrie.
Shun breaths heavily.
Maiden:your really hurt shun don't push yourself.
Shu:go spriggan.
Suddenly a aura forms around shun.
Shun:maidens time
*time stops*
Shun:I got 30 seconds of a break
Shun breaths heavily
*time resumes*
Spriggan knocks maiden into the air
Shun:well maiden at least we made it to the finals.
Shun collapses from the maidens time Penalty.
Aiga:stop the match.
Shu:shun are you ok shun answer me shunnnnnn.
Valt:call a hospital.
Akira and Alice rushed over to shun's body.
Akira:shun wake up shun
Akira starts crying
Alice:shun wake up.
Alice checks for a pulse.
Alice:there is no pulse. Wait a second it's a faint pulse shun's alive.
Chapter end.
Next time on beyblade burst apocalypse.
Akira:looks like shun is going to be alright.
Gwynn:looks look maiden is more powerful than I hoped.
Akira:so your the one who hurt shun.
Next time on beyblade burst apocalypse
Gwynn vs free battle of the lovers.

(Oct. 18, 2020  3:41 PM)Golden Freddy Wrote:

(Oct. 18, 2020  2:59 PM)kai edits Wrote: Chapter 14 the finals awaken fusion warrior
Gwynn:hmm you made it this far shun let's see how strong you be came.
Dimitri walks into gwynn's room
Dimitri:I need you help me beat shun
Later
Free:shun are you ok since you fused. You seemed a little bit weird
Shun:I am fine. It's just i-
Dimitri kicks down the door shun's hospital room
Dimitri:shun battle me
Shun jumps
Shun:ah what the hell is wrong with you .
Freeimitri I think you went to far. Shun are you ok?
A bright light comes from shun. Shun's earrings glows blue.
Shun:alright. Dimitri I will battle you . but first I have a tournament to win.
At the tournament. Next match valt vs aiga vs shun vs shu.
Valt:wow I did not expect shun to be here.
Aiga:she is really strong trust me.
Shu:she is my sister. And she is getting married.
Shun:are you seriously gonna start.
3 2 1 go shoot.
Shu:go spriggan world upper
Aiga go Achilles
Valt:go valkyrie
The 3 beys hit maiden at the same time.
Shun:what a pain. Maiden Maidens collection.
Maiden steals power from spriggan,valkyrie,and Achilles.
Everybody:nani.
Shun:are you trying to actually make me go serious.
Maiden knocks all the other beys back.
Everyboby:she is so strong. Dang is she even trying.
Maiden attack the attack beys.
Shun:maiden let's finish this.
The mark of maiden began to glow black.
Shun:go maiden finish thi-
Shun unfuses.
Shun:what happened.
Maiden:the mark is reacting to something.
Shun:maiden go maidens recollection
Maiden hits spriggan and Achilles.
Shu:I was waiting for that spriggan upper shoot.
Spriggan knocks maiden into valkyrie.
Shun:maiden go.
A big of energy explodes from maiden. Valkyrie and Achilles were sent flying. And valkyrie bursts mid air.
Shun:well that's the end of valkyrie.
Shun breaths heavily.
Maiden:your really hurt shun don't push yourself.
Shu:go spriggan.
Suddenly a aura forms around shun.
Shun:maidens time
*time stops*
Shun:I got 30 seconds of a break
Shun breaths heavily
*time resumes*
Spriggan knocks maiden into the air
Shun:well maiden at least we made it to the finals.
Shun collapses from the maidens time Penalty.
Aiga:stop the match.
Shu:shun are you ok shun answer me shunnnnnn.
Valt:call a hospital.
Akira and Alice rushed over to shun's body.
Akira:shun wake up shun
Akira starts crying
Alice:shun wake up.
Alice checks for a pulse.
Alice:there is no pulse. Wait a second it's a faint pulse shun's alive.
Chapter end.
Next time on beyblade burst apocalypse.
Akira:looks like shun is going to be alright.
Gwynn:looks look maiden is more powerful than I hoped.
Akira:so your the one who hurt shun.
Next time on beyblade burst apocalypse
Gwynn vs free battle of the lovers.

This is a interesting story

(Oct. 18, 2020  3:42 PM)kai edits Wrote:

(Oct. 18, 2020  3:41 PM)Golden Freddy Wrote: This is a interesting story

Well next episode is gonna be awesome

(Oct. 18, 2020  3:43 PM)Golden Freddy Wrote:

(Oct. 18, 2020  3:42 PM)kai edits Wrote: Well next episode is gonna be awesome

Alright, also has anyone else entered the competition

(Oct. 18, 2020  3:58 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: I’m sorry, but you make Maiden’s personality so inconsistent. It’s one thing if it’s a change over many chapters, but like every episode or two, it changes. It’s just too inconsistent.

(Oct. 18, 2020  4:00 PM)Golden Freddy Wrote:

(Oct. 18, 2020  3:58 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: I’m sorry, but you make Maiden’s personality so inconsistent. It’s one thing if it’s a change over many chapters, but like every episode or two, it changes. It’s just too inconsistent.

What about if maiden is a conflicted character and that’s why it’s inconsistent

(Oct. 18, 2020  4:01 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote:

(Oct. 18, 2020  4:00 PM)Golden Freddy Wrote: What about if maiden is a conflicted character and that’s why it’s inconsistent

Then maybe write that in the story? Otherwise the readers are gonna be confused on what to think of Maiden.

(Oct. 19, 2020  12:36 PM)kai edits Wrote: Chapter 16 shun's final battle?/quetzalcoatl vs maiden
Shun:let's go maiden. Maidens fusion.
A bright light comes from shun.
Shun:alright. Let's go Alyssa.
3 2 1 go shoot
Alyssa:go quetzalcoatl bound circle
quetzalcoatl hits the wall and rebounds into the center.
Shun:go maiden. Maidens collection
Maiden attacks quetzalcoatl and drains some of its power.
Alyssa:pathetic go quetzalcoatl perfect shield.
maiden is sent flying.
Shun:your strong.
Shun unfuses.
Shun:tch my time limit of fusion ran out. Go maiden
Alyssa:go quetzalcoatl perfect big bang
quetzalcoatl hits maiden and maiden gets sent flying.
Shun breaths heavily while blood runs down her hands.
Shun:thank you free,aiga,drum,shu,Alice and akira for showing what it means to be a blader. Maiden attack quetzalcoatl.
Maiden hits quetzalcoatl
Shun:maiden go maidens recollection.
A huge burst of energy explodes from maiden.
Shun:maidens barrier
Shun coughs up blood and collapses.
Chapter end!

(Oct. 19, 2020  6:00 PM)SacredXcalibur Wrote:

(Oct. 19, 2020  12:36 PM)kai edits Wrote: Chapter 16 shun's final battle?/quetzalcoatl vs maiden
Shun:let's go maiden. Maidens fusion.
A bright light comes from shun.
Shun:alright. Let's go Alyssa.
3 2 1 go shoot
Alyssa:go quetzalcoatl bound circle
quetzalcoatl hits the wall and rebounds into the center.
Shun:go maiden. Maidens collection
Maiden attacks quetzalcoatl and drains some of its power.
Alyssa:pathetic go quetzalcoatl perfect shield.
maiden is sent flying.
Shun:your strong.
Shun unfuses.
Shun:tch my time limit of fusion ran out. Go maiden
Alyssa:go quetzalcoatl perfect big bang
quetzalcoatl hits maiden and maiden gets sent flying.
Shun breaths heavily while blood runs down her hands.
Shun:thank you free,aiga,drum,shu,Alice and akira for showing what it means to be a blader. Maiden attack quetzalcoatl.
Maiden hits quetzalcoatl
Shun:maiden go maidens recollection.
A huge burst of energy explodes from maiden.
Shun:maidens barrier
Shun coughs up blood and collapses.
Chapter end!

Just one thing, Quetzalcoatl already exists in the dual layer system.

(Oct. 19, 2020  6:22 PM)kai edits Wrote:

(Oct. 19, 2020  6:00 PM)SacredXcalibur Wrote: Just one thing, Quetzalcoatl already exists in the dual layer system.

I know it's a different quetzalcoatl.

---

Chapter 17 revenge for shun/thank everyone
Freehun get up you can't die on me now.
Shun looks at free.
Shun:thank ... You free for being at my side.
Free checks shun's pulse.
Free:shun wake up please. I can't lose you again. Shunnnnnn!
Akira and Alice come rushing towards shun's body
Akira bursts into tears
Akira:shun please don't die. I need you.
Alice:shun get up. Don't die on me I need your help.
Alyssa:she is dead I guess her body could not handle maidens recollection.
Shun:I won't go down easy.
Shun stands up.
Shun:thank God maidens barrier. Kept the full impact of the blast from hitting my body.
Free:shun your back
Free hugs shun
Free:I thought you were dead.
Shun:my love kept me alive free. It's you who kept me alive.
Maiden:shun your alive. Let's go battle Alyssa.
Shun:maiden it's time that I refuse to battle. Maiden let's use the forbidden technique
A light shines from shun
Shun:let's go maiden. Maidens darkness fusion.
Shun's earring glows blue.
Shun:alright.
3 2 1 go shoot.
Free pushs shun aside.
Free:sorry shun. Go fafnir.
Fafnir hits quetzalcoatl
Alyssa:go quetzalcoatl darkness collection
A big burst of energy makes wind move really fast.
Shun:free be careful.
Alyssa:pure turbo
quetzalcoatl shines yellow.
Free:fafnir mirage claw.
quetzalcoatl hits fafnir into the air. A random bey hits fafnir back into play.
Shun :I am not gonna let you lose free.
Shun breaths heavily as her wounds bleed badly.
Free:shun. Arghhhhhhh fafnir mirage upper
Fafnir knocks quetzalcoatl into the air.
Shun:you did it.
Shun laughs then collapses. Maiden is knocked out next to shun's body.
Free:burst now fafnir hits quetzalcoatl as it was about to hit ground. quetzalcoatl was cracked.
Chapter end

(Oct. 20, 2020  1:12 AM)Valtryek Aoi Wrote:

(Oct. 19, 2020  6:22 PM)kai edits Wrote: I know it's a different quetzalcoatl.

---

Chapter 17 revenge for shun/thank everyone
Freehun get up you can't die on me now.
Shun looks at free.
Shun:thank ... You free for being at my side.
Free checks shun's pulse.
Free:shun wake up please. I can't lose you again. Shunnnnnn!
Akira and Alice come rushing towards shun's body
Akira bursts into tears
Akira:shun please don't die. I need you.
Alice:shun get up. Don't die on me I need your help.
Alyssa:she is dead I guess her body could not handle maidens recollection.
Shun:I won't go down easy.
Shun stands up.
Shun:thank God maidens barrier. Kept the full impact of the blast from hitting my body.
Free:shun your back
Free hugs shun
Free:I thought you were dead.
Shun:my love kept me alive free. It's you who kept me alive.
Maiden:shun your alive. Let's go battle Alyssa.
Shun:maiden it's time that I refuse to battle. Maiden let's use the forbidden technique
A light shines from shun
Shun:let's go maiden. Maidens darkness fusion.
Shun's earring glows blue.
Shun:alright.
3 2 1 go shoot.
Free pushs shun aside.
Free:sorry shun. Go fafnir.
Fafnir hits quetzalcoatl
Alyssa:go quetzalcoatl darkness collection
A big burst of energy makes wind move really fast.
Shun:free be careful.
Alyssa:pure turbo
quetzalcoatl shines yellow.
Free:fafnir mirage claw.
quetzalcoatl hits fafnir into the air. A random bey hits fafnir back into play.
Shun :I am not gonna let you lose free.
Shun breaths heavily as her wounds bleed badly.
Free:shun. Arghhhhhhh fafnir mirage upper
Fafnir knocks quetzalcoatl into the air.
Shun:you did it.
Shun laughs then collapses. Maiden is knocked out next to shun's body.
Free:burst now fafnir hits quetzalcoatl as it was about to hit ground. quetzalcoatl was cracked.
Chapter end

HuH? LovE KePt hEr alive?
Ngl, I kinda feel like I missed the part where Free and Shun made this ultimate connection that somehow allows her to transcend death. Even if, this may be really picky, but I feel there should be a bit more reason to it just being love.

Now for a realistic problem the punctuation is pretty off makes it hard to read you see what I mean?

(Oct. 20, 2020  1:12 AM)Valtryek Aoi Wrote:

(Oct. 19, 2020  6:22 PM)kai edits Wrote: I know it's a different quetzalcoatl.

---

Chapter 17 revenge for shun/thank everyone
Freehun get up you can't die on me now.
Shun looks at free.
Shun:thank ... You free for being at my side.
Free checks shun's pulse.
Free:shun wake up please. I can't lose you again. Shunnnnnn!
Akira and Alice come rushing towards shun's body
Akira bursts into tears
Akira:shun please don't die. I need you.
Alice:shun get up. Don't die on me I need your help.
Alyssa:she is dead I guess her body could not handle maidens recollection.
Shun:I won't go down easy.
Shun stands up.
Shun:thank God maidens barrier. Kept the full impact of the blast from hitting my body.
Free:shun your back
Free hugs shun
Free:I thought you were dead.
Shun:my love kept me alive free. It's you who kept me alive.
Maiden:shun your alive. Let's go battle Alyssa.
Shun:maiden it's time that I refuse to battle. Maiden let's use the forbidden technique
A light shines from shun
Shun:let's go maiden. Maidens darkness fusion.
Shun's earring glows blue.
Shun:alright.
3 2 1 go shoot.
Free pushs shun aside.
Free:sorry shun. Go fafnir.
Fafnir hits quetzalcoatl
Alyssa:go quetzalcoatl darkness collection
A big burst of energy makes wind move really fast.
Shun:free be careful.
Alyssa:pure turbo
quetzalcoatl shines yellow.
Free:fafnir mirage claw.
quetzalcoatl hits fafnir into the air. A random bey hits fafnir back into play.
Shun :I am not gonna let you lose free.
Shun breaths heavily as her wounds bleed badly.
Free:shun. Arghhhhhhh fafnir mirage upper
Fafnir knocks quetzalcoatl into the air.
Shun:you did it.
Shun laughs then collapses. Maiden is knocked out next to shun's body.
Free:burst now fafnir hits quetzalcoatl as it was about to hit ground. quetzalcoatl was cracked.
Chapter end

HuH? LovE KePt hEr alive?
Ngl, I kinda feel like I missed the part where Free and Shun made this ultimate connection that somehow allows her to transcend death. Even if, this may be really picky, but I feel there should be a bit more reason to it just being love.

Now for a realistic problem the punctuation is pretty off makes it hard to read you see what I mean?

(Oct. 20, 2020  1:16 AM)Golden Freddy Wrote:

(Oct. 20, 2020  1:12 AM)Valtryek Aoi Wrote: HuH? LovE KePt hEr alive?
Ngl, I kinda feel like I missed the part where Free and Shun made this ultimate connection that somehow allows her to transcend death. Even if, this may be really picky, but I feel there should be a bit more reason to it just being love.

Now for a realistic problem the punctuation is pretty off makes it hard to read you see what I mean?

Plot armor be like lol (jk jk don’t kill me)

(Oct. 20, 2020  1:18 AM)6Jupiter5 Wrote:

(Oct. 20, 2020  1:16 AM)Golden Freddy Wrote: Plot armor be like lol (jk jk don’t kill me)

Plot armor at its peak

(Oct. 20, 2020  1:41 AM)Valtryek Aoi Wrote: Plot: 7.5/10
Grammar Punctuation: 4/10
Dialogue: 8/10
Overall opinion: 6/10

(Oct. 20, 2020  1:44 AM)kai edits Wrote:

(Oct. 20, 2020  1:41 AM)Valtryek Aoi Wrote: Plot: 7.5/10
Grammar Punctuation: 4/10
Dialogue: 8/10
Overall opinion: 6/10

Rip shun kurenai

(Oct. 20, 2020  1:47 AM)Golden Freddy Wrote:

(Oct. 20, 2020  1:44 AM)kai edits Wrote: Rip shun kurenai

Rip Kobe Bryant

(Oct. 20, 2020  1:48 AM)kai edits Wrote:

(Oct. 20, 2020  1:47 AM)Golden Freddy Wrote: Rip Kobe Bryant

If your gonna spam that then leave my fanfic thread. Please use this thread to discuss about this fanfic

(Oct. 20, 2020  1:50 AM)Golden Freddy Wrote:

(Oct. 20, 2020  1:48 AM)kai edits Wrote: If your gonna spam that then leave my fanfic thread. Please use this thread to discuss about this fanfic

Disrespecting Kobe we now are. GreenK9148 we got him