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+--- Thread: Fan Fiction Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (part 7 ongoing) (/Thread-Fan-Fiction-Beyblade-burst-apocalypse-15-part-7-ongoing)
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - Eclipse Force - Oct. 15, 2020
(Oct. 15, 2020 1:02 AM)kai edits Wrote:(Oct. 15, 2020 12:59 AM)Valtryek Aoi Wrote: Woah woah, I'm just saying it doesn't sound within his character. Not like I started hating on it, but my personal preference is that the characterization would stay similar to almost 100%. My opinion.Here a little teaser for all of you
Also, I meant that maiden was toned down in this arc, not the first one.
And finally, yes, it's your fanfic, so you do what you want. I'm just commenting on it.
Shun:maiden consume him now darkness burst
Dimitri:you think you can beat me.
Shun:maidens time overburst
Shun laughs as her aura flickers on and off
Shun:I am
*glitches*
Shun and maiden:we are one
Sounds like Maiden is having a bit of a power boost. I don't know if there is plot armor, but I think you should make Dimitri decently powerful so he can stand a chance here.
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 15, 2020
(Oct. 15, 2020 1:06 AM)Eclipse Force Wrote:Dimitri is more powerful than shun by the way(Oct. 15, 2020 1:02 AM)kai edits Wrote: Here a little teaser for all of you
Shun:maiden consume him now darkness burst
Dimitri:you think you can beat me.
Shun:maidens time overburst
Shun laughs as her aura flickers on and off
Shun:I am
*glitches*
Shun and maiden:we are one
Sounds like Maiden is having a bit of a power boost. I don't know if there is plot armor, but I think you should make Dimitri decently powerful so he can stand a chance here.
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - Eclipse Force - Oct. 15, 2020
(Oct. 15, 2020 1:08 AM)kai edits Wrote:(Oct. 15, 2020 1:06 AM)Eclipse Force Wrote: Sounds like Maiden is having a bit of a power boost. I don't know if there is plot armor, but I think you should make Dimitri decently powerful so he can stand a chance here.Dimitri is more powerful than shun by the way
So he's the most powerful in the universe then?
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 15, 2020
(Oct. 15, 2020 1:09 AM)Eclipse Force Wrote:(Oct. 15, 2020 1:08 AM)kai edits Wrote: Dimitri is more powerful than shun by the way
So he's the most powerful in the universe then?
No he is better than shun by like 10%. Dimitri is valts brother so right now in number 1 right now. Shun is 15th in the world
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - Golden Freddy - Oct. 15, 2020
Has anyone else entered in the competition
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 15, 2020
Nobody yet besides you
Another hint
Dimitri:your weak shun
Shun:maidens time overburst
*time stops*
Shun:now I can hold time for 1 minute
Shun laughs as her aura flickers on and off as her laugh glitches.
Shun:maiden end him maiden universal nova
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - Golden Freddy - Oct. 15, 2020
(Oct. 15, 2020 1:17 AM)kai edits Wrote: Nobody yet besides you
Another hint
Dimitri:your weak shun
Shun:maidens time overburst
*time stops*
Shun:now I can hold time for 1 minute
Shun laughs as her aura flickers on and off as her laugh glitches.
Shun:maiden end him maiden universal nova
Is her aura flickering meaning that her connection with maiden is fading
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 15, 2020
(Oct. 15, 2020 1:48 AM)Golden Freddy Wrote:(Oct. 15, 2020 1:17 AM)kai edits Wrote: Nobody yet besides you
Another hint
Dimitri:your weak shun
Shun:maidens time overburst
*time stops*
Shun:now I can hold time for 1 minute
Shun laughs as her aura flickers on and off as her laugh glitches.
Shun:maiden end him maiden universal nova
Is her aura flickering meaning that her connection with maiden is fading
Nope it's maiden trying to take over
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - Golden Freddy - Oct. 15, 2020
(Oct. 15, 2020 1:49 AM)kai edits Wrote:(Oct. 15, 2020 1:48 AM)Golden Freddy Wrote: Is her aura flickering meaning that her connection with maiden is fading
Nope it's maiden trying to take over
Then why is the aura flickering. Wouldn’t it be like shu’s in god where it becomes even stronger and starts taking over
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 15, 2020
Chapter 10 sync up overburst maiden/Dimitri's flare
Drum:not bad shun you actually made me get serious.
Shun:dang I am at my limit
Shun coughs up a bit of blood
Drum:I guess maiden is weak then dragon finish maiden off bound over shot
Shun:maiden let's go. Arghhh with you and me we overlay.
A bright light shines from shun and maiden.
Drum:what's going on.
Shun:this is my power go overburst maiden maidens rebirth
Maiden speeds up and hits dragon head on.
Shun:arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Drum:go dragon haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Shun smirks
Shun:maidens time
*time stops*
Shun:maiden attack dragon
Shun:muda muda muda muda muda muda muda muda muda muda
Maiden attacks dragon
Shun:4 seconds has passed muda muda muda muda muda muda muda muda muda muda muda.
Time resumes
Drum:dragon no
Dragon is sent flying in the air
Shun:finish him of-
Shun coughs up blood
Shun:dang my time limit penalty
Drum:finish him off dragon
Dragon attacks maiden
A black aura around maiden and shun
Maiden:I took over in time
Shun's aura flickers on and off
Shun:go maiden maidens recollection
Maiden shines red. Dragon hits maiden
Shun:you fell for it
A big burst of energy explodes from maiden.
Shun:I did it akira and Alice
Shun collapses backwards
Drum:dragon no
Dragon was knocked out.
Later in shun's hospital room
Akira and Alice:shun are you ok
Shun:I am fine looks like I am facing Dimitri
Akira:are you ok big sis
Shun:yeah I am fine.
Shun laughs
Shun:you think a few wounds will slow me down enough to not give you a great beyblade battle.
Akira:shun
alice punchs shun on the head
Alice:you sure are stupid
Alice smiles.
Dimitri point of view
Dimitri:shun you are a good opponent
Dimitri laughs.
Shun's point of view
Shun:where is my bey
Akira pulls out maiden
Akira:what move was that you want the match with.
Shun:maidens recollection. You like it little sis
Akira:your so cool big sis i hope you win the tournament.
Dimitri walks into shun's hospital room
Dimitri:shun get up and battle me
Shun:can't you see I broken my arm
Dimitri:battle me
Shun:fine maidens time
*time stops*
Shun:maiden can you fix my arm so I can battle
Maiden:sure
Time resumes
3 2 1 go shoot
Dimitri:go valkyrie
Shun:maiden let's sync up
Maiden:ok shun lets go
Shun:with you and me we overlay
A bright light shines from shun and maiden. Suddenly the light turns black.
Shun:go maiden maidens collection
Maiden hits valkyrie taking some power from valkyrie.
Dimitri:nice trick valkyrie victory sword
Valkyrie hits maiden which sends maiden flying.
Shun aura began to flicker on and off
Shun:maiden go
Maiden hits valkyrie
Shun:Arghhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaa maidens recollection
A big burst of energy explodes from maiden
Shun:die valkyrie
Dimitri:go valkyrie victory defense
Valkyrie blocks it and counters the attack. Maiden bursts mid air
Dimitri:your more powerful than I thought shun kurenai I hope you win your next match.
Dimitri disappears
Chapter end
Next time on beyblade burst apocalypse
Shun:dang it i lost to Dimitri
Shu:shun is getting to out of control i will have to battle her.
Awaken world spriggan
Chapter 11 awaken world spriggan
Shun:maiden I can't believe we lost
Maiden:we probably did not sync correctly
Shun:maybe.
Akira and Alice walks in shun's hospital room
Akira:how's your arm
Shun:still hurts but I am fine
Alice:you big dummy why did you battle with a broken arm.
Shun phone rang. Shun picks up.
Shu:meet me at school in a hour
Shun:ok I will be there
Shun hangs up
Later
Shun walks towards shu
Shu:so you made it
Shun:no more of this tell me why I am here
Shu:to battle
Shun:ummm I can beat you with maiden easily
Shu:don't get cocky shun
In the battle
Shu:go spriggan counter break
Spriggan speeds up and hits maiden
Shun:maiden block the attack
Maiden blocks the attack
Shun:your boring me maiden finish him
Maiden hits spriggan and knocks spriggan into the air.
Shu:you think that will work spriggan crimson turbo
Spriggan shines red
Shun:maiden sync with me
Maiden:alright
Shun:with you and me we overlay.
A light shines from maiden and shun
Shun:maiden unlock your power maidens collection
Maiden hits spriggan and took some of spriggan light.
Shu:what spriggan fight back
Shun earring glows blue. Suddenly a light comes from shun.
Shu:what's going on
Shun:alright! we are a fusion of maiden and shun.
Shu:you did it.
Shun:maidens blessing
Maiden attacks spriggan and drains light from spriggan.
Shu:spriggan crimson break
Spriggan knocks maiden into the air
Shu:burst now
Shun aura flickers on and off and then suddenly it changed color. The aura turns red with black static.
Shun:maiden
Chapter end
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 16, 2020
Chapter 11 awaken fusion warrior shun kurenai
Shun:that's all you got?
Shu:go spriggan world counter
Spriggan hits maiden
Shun:maidens recollection
Maiden gets hit.
Shun:you really are a fool.
A energy explodes from maiden destroying the stadium.
Shu:nice job
Shun:maiden return
Maiden fly into shun's hands
Shun:your a worthy opponent shu. You made me have use fusion to win.
Shun:ok let me unfuse. Maiden
Shun unfuses with maiden
Later
Shun walks to tournament.
Shun:maiden if we are about to lose let's use fusion.
Maiden:right
Matchup
Shun and Dimitri vs valt and shu
Dimitri:shun we are a team
Shun:let me do the match by myself I can beat them both of them.
Dimitri:you can?
Shun:you think I am kid? I beat drum and valt before I can beat them again.
Later
Valt:go valkyrie brave slash
Shu:go spriggan counter break
Spriggan and valkyrie hit maiden at the same time
Shun:go maiden maidens collection
Maiden steals power from both spriggan and valkyrie.
Shu:not again spriggan world slash
Maiden is sent flying
Shun:I am not done.
Maiden:fuse with me now
Shun:right .
Shun's earrings glow blue then a light comes from shun
Shun:alright. Maidens recollection
Maiden energy explodes and sends both beys flying into the air.
Shun:it's over maidens overshot
Chapter end
Next time on beyblade burst apocalypse
Akira:huh shun can fuse now. Now your stronger big sis
Dimitri:are you cheating on me with free
Shun:it's not like that.
Next time on beyblade burst apocalypse
Shun vs Dimitri battle of raging spirits
A little teaser
Shun hugs free
Shun:it's been years since we last saw each other free
Free:yes it is. I was wondering are you still dating Dimitri
Shun:no I am gonna break up with him.
Free:why shun he seems like a nice guy
Shun:I want to spend the rest of my life with you free.
Dimitri walks into the room
Dimitri:free get away from my girlfriend. Whats the meaning of this shun. are you cheating on me.
Shun: Dimitri it's not what it looks like. We broke up a hour ago man up. Free protect me
Free goes in front of shun
Free:if you want shun you have to get through me
Chapter 12 Dimitri vs shun battle of raging spirits
Shun walks up in a hospital bed.
Free:shun your awake
Shun:free
Shun jumps out of bed and lands in free's arms
Free:quite the surprise huh shun?
Shun:yes it is
Shun kisses free on the cheek
Dimitri walks into the room
Dimitri:shun what the hell is going on. Are you cheating on me.
Shun:we broke up a hour ago chill out.
Free:so your Dimitri.
Shun hides behind free
Free: Dimitri look what you did you scared poor shun. She had it rough growing up and trying to live up to your expectations. She got hurt because of you.
Dimitri:your lucky I don't swing my fist in your ugly face.
Shun: Dimitri stop.
Dimitri:huh
Shun walks out of the room.
Free:look what you did.
Free runs after shun
Later at the tournament
Shun:maiden can I ask you something
Maiden:yes
Shun:have you ever love someone then your boyfriend and girlfriend that person's a monster.
Maiden:yes I have. Just focus on wining your match.
Shun:one more thing let's use the forbidden technique to beat Dimitri.
3 2 1 go shoot
Shun earrings glowed blue
Shun:I hope this works. With you and me we overlay and we combine with potara fusion and we create the ultimate warrior go maidens fusion!
A dark red light comes from shun and maiden
Dimitri:hmm valkyrie attack maiden
Shun:alright it worked.
Maiden dodges the attack.
Shun:maidens time overburst
*time stops*
Dimitri:this trick is useless go-
Maiden attacks valkyrie repeatedly
Dimitri:nani
Shun:finish him off maiden darkness overburst
Maiden hits valkyrie and valkyrie is sent flying.
Shun:I am not done yet maidens recollection
*time resumes*
Valkyrie hits maiden.
Shun:goodbye
A big burst of energy explodes from maiden. Valkyrie bursts mid air.
Shun:that's for my sister.
Shun unfuses
Shun:I did it
Shun falls backwards
Shun:I did akira and Alice and for you free
Free catches shun before she falls to the ground
Free:I am proud of you shun
Free carrys her in his arms.
Dimitri:how did I lose to her. Why did I lose to her.
Next time on beyblade burst apocalypse
Free:shun you ok
Shun:I am fine
Free:looks like your facing valt and aiga
Next time on beyblade burst apocalypse
Helping a hand darkness returns
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 17, 2020
Chapter 13 helping a hand darkness awakens
Free:shun you ok.
Shun:I am am fine
Free:you sure because that match was insane. How did you learned how to fuse.
Shun:gwynn told me about it.
Shun realized her arm was broken
Free:your arm is broke looks like you have to wait a few days before battling.
Shun:it seems so.
Dimitri walks into the shun's hospital room
Dimitri:shun you were right I was kinda being selfish.
Shun:it's fine at least we are friends right.
Shun smiles at Dimitri
Dimitri:right how did you break your arm?
Shun:me using maidens recollection.
Akira and Alice rushs inside to shun's hospital room
Akira and Alice:are you ok
Shun:I am fine
Alice slaps shun
Alice:you idiot why cause of used a more less dangerous move than maidens recollection.
Shun:sorry but I had too
Shun jumps out free's arms
Alice:is free your boyfriend?
Shun:yes. Free will you marry me?
Free blushes till his face turns red
Free:um yes I will.
Later
Shun falls asleep
Gwynn walks into shun's hospital room
Gwynn:good job shun
Gwynn puts a object next to shun.
Later
Free:wake up babe your gonna be late
Shun wakes up
Free:you have a match today
Free picks up shun and carrys her in his arms
Shun realizes something. Shun blushes really red.
Later into the tournament.
Shun:oh it's a tag team match. Free can you assist me in this match.
*match* shun and free vs aiga and valt
Free:sure.
Shun's earrings glow blue
Shun:here I go. With you and me we overlay and we combine with potara fusion and we create the ultimate warrior go maidens fusion!
A dark light comes from shun and maiden.
Shun:alright.
3 2 1 go shoot
Free:go fafnir mirage impact
Fafnir hits valkyrie
Shun:go maiden. Maidens collection
Maiden hits Achilles and takes some of its power.
Aiga:Achilles infinity slash
Achilles hits maiden
Shun:that's all you got? Maiden Maidens recollection.
A big burst of energy explodes from maiden. Fafnir knocks valkyrie into the blast.
Aiga and valt:oh no
Valkyrie was knocked out and Achilles was bursted mid air.
Free:we did it shun
Shun:we did it thanks to you.
Fusion wears off
Free:you used fusion I was surprised since you only use it when you go serious.
Shun collapses backwards
Shun:i-
Free catches shun.
Shun:thanks free.
Shun's mark of maiden glows red
Free:is that.
Gwynn:looks like shun did it again. How long until she realizes maiden is getting dark powers. Shun looks like I was the one who made your bey fall into darkness.
Gwynn laughs
Chapter end
(Sorry no preview)
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - CheetoBlader - Oct. 18, 2020
Alright, time to rate this.
Grammar: 2/5. Grammar is pretty bad, lots of missing spaces and capitalization. And missing punctuation a lot. Really the only thing keeping it from being a 1 is the spelling not being garbage.
Story: 3/5. Not too bad. Some parts are quite rushed, or just doesn’t really fit with what’s going on too much.
Characters: 2/5. Really ehhhhh. Canon characters are super out of character, and are doing and saying things they would never do, and the OCs are okayish, but not too likable, and aren’t realistic with reactions.
Dialogue: 2/5. It’s really unnatural a lot, and almost like a robot talking. There’s only like one decent line of dialogue a chapter.
Length: 3/5. While I don’t care how long you like to write your chapters, it pretty short for what it tries to do each chapter, making a lot of things rushed.
Total: 12/25.
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 18, 2020
(Oct. 18, 2020 12:19 AM)CheetoBlader Wrote: Alright, time to rate this.I said before the characters are out of character to fit the story. It's rushed because thus arc is getting boring so i decided to make the other arcs more exciting.
Grammar: 2/5. Grammar is pretty bad, lots of missing spaces and capitalization. And missing punctuation a lot. Really the only thing keeping it from being a 1 is the spelling not being garbage.
Story: 3/5. Not too bad. Some parts are quite rushed, or just doesn’t really fit with what’s going on too much.
Characters: 2/5. Really ehhhhh. Canon characters are super out of character, and are doing and saying things they would never do, and the OCs are okayish, but not too likable, and aren’t realistic with reactions.
Dialogue: 2/5. It’s really unnatural a lot, and almost like a robot talking. There’s only like one decent line of dialogue a chapter.
Length: 3/5. While I don’t care how long you like to write your chapters, it pretty short for what it tries to do each chapter, making a lot of things rushed.
Total: 12/25.
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - UnionDragon007 - Oct. 18, 2020
Why do you call him Shun? His name is Shu.
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - Eclipse Force - Oct. 18, 2020
(Oct. 18, 2020 12:28 AM)UnionDragon007 Wrote: Why do you call him Shun? His name is Shu.
Shun and Shu are different characters (Yes I know its kinda stupid).
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - CheetoBlader - Oct. 18, 2020
(Oct. 18, 2020 12:27 AM)kai edits Wrote:(Oct. 18, 2020 12:19 AM)CheetoBlader Wrote: Alright, time to rate this.I said before the characters are out of character to fit the story. It's rushed because thus arc is getting boring so i decided to make the other arcs more exciting.
Grammar: 2/5. Grammar is pretty bad, lots of missing spaces and capitalization. And missing punctuation a lot. Really the only thing keeping it from being a 1 is the spelling not being garbage.
Story: 3/5. Not too bad. Some parts are quite rushed, or just doesn’t really fit with what’s going on too much.
Characters: 2/5. Really ehhhhh. Canon characters are super out of character, and are doing and saying things they would never do, and the OCs are okayish, but not too likable, and aren’t realistic with reactions.
Dialogue: 2/5. It’s really unnatural a lot, and almost like a robot talking. There’s only like one decent line of dialogue a chapter.
Length: 3/5. While I don’t care how long you like to write your chapters, it pretty short for what it tries to do each chapter, making a lot of things rushed.
Total: 12/25.
Hey, you’re the one who kept posting over others in the fanfic thread, asking for a rating. I gave one to you. And anyways, then maybe make a plan first for the story?
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - UnionDragon007 - Oct. 18, 2020
(Oct. 18, 2020 12:28 AM)Eclipse Force Wrote:(Oct. 18, 2020 12:28 AM)UnionDragon007 Wrote: Why do you call him Shun? His name is Shu.
Shun and Shu are different characters (Yes I know its kinda stupid).
Lol I thought Shu Kurenai. The guy with Spryzen/Spriggan.
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - Eclipse Force - Oct. 18, 2020
(Oct. 18, 2020 12:31 AM)UnionDragon007 Wrote:(Oct. 18, 2020 12:28 AM)Eclipse Force Wrote: Shun and Shu are different characters (Yes I know its kinda stupid).
Lol I thought Shu Kurenai. The guy with Spryzen/Spriggan.
Yeah, Shun is Shu's sister lol
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - UnionDragon007 - Oct. 18, 2020
I have accepted the info. lol
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 18, 2020
Did you even read the fanfic.
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - CheetoBlader - Oct. 18, 2020
(Oct. 18, 2020 1:03 AM)kai edits Wrote: Did you even read the fanfic.
Who? Specify.
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 18, 2020
(Oct. 18, 2020 1:03 AM)CheetoBlader Wrote:(Oct. 18, 2020 1:03 AM)kai edits Wrote: Did you even read the fanfic.
Who? Specify.
Union dragon
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - CheetoBlader - Oct. 18, 2020
(Oct. 18, 2020 1:04 AM)kai edits Wrote:(Oct. 18, 2020 1:03 AM)CheetoBlader Wrote: Who? Specify.
Union dragon
Well I mean- they were just confused- that’s all, and they got it clarified anyways, so really no point in saying that. But oh well.
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 18, 2020
A little sneak peek for the next chapter
Dimitri:shun I can't believe you used fusion to beat me.
Shun:I can use fusion because me and maiden bonded.
Shun looks at Dimitri
Dimitri:shun are you sure you want to marry free
Shun:I am sure. I am madly in love with him