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+--- Thread: Fan Fiction Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (part 7 ongoing) (/Thread-Fan-Fiction-Beyblade-burst-apocalypse-15-part-7-ongoing)
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - Valtryek Aoi - Oct. 13, 2020
(Oct. 13, 2020 1:26 AM)GreenK9148 Wrote:(Oct. 13, 2020 1:21 AM)kai edits Wrote: Shun actually had character development if you let me write it
She never had any.
Truest words since people said Brave Flash was the right name for the move.
From my perspective, people need a reason to be enthralled to wait for more chapters, so the beginning is crucial. If this many people are commenting on the same things then it seems the unpopular opinion is yours. It would do some good to look at why those popular opinions are being restated, which is what many explained in their ratings, comments, criticism and such.
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 13, 2020
Let me explain shun's go to move maiden's time.
This move can stop time for 10-30 seconds. This move can be easily be broken through by many bladers. Shun without her dark resonate she can only do it for 5-10 seconds
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - SacredXcalibur - Oct. 13, 2020
Seriously you should try making your mc likable and the way to do that is not by trying to devalue other characters or making your mc op they need to grow with the story and audience.
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 13, 2020
(Oct. 13, 2020 1:53 AM)SacredXcalibur Wrote: Seriously you should try making your mc likable and the way to do that is not by trying to devalue other characters or making your mc op they need to grow with the story and audience.
She is growing she is not strong enough to even beat anybody
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - CheetoBlader - Oct. 13, 2020
(Oct. 13, 2020 1:53 AM)SacredXcalibur Wrote: Seriously you should try making your mc likable and the way to do that is not by trying to devalue other characters or making your mc op they need to grow with the story and audience.
MCs don’t need to be likable, but it helps. Or at least, they need to grow over time.
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - SacredXcalibur - Oct. 13, 2020
yeah, you're doing a decent job making her skills grow but what about her personality? everyone in this fanfic is one-sided and most of the characters are bland. It has a good story but its lacking in character growth.
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 13, 2020
(Oct. 13, 2020 1:56 AM)SacredXcalibur Wrote: yeah your doing a decent job making her skills grow but what about her personality? everyone in this fanfic is one-sided and most of the characters are bland. It has a good story but its lacking in character growth.
What till after the battle with aiga then her personal will grow
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - SacredXcalibur - Oct. 13, 2020
(Oct. 13, 2020 1:59 AM)kai edits Wrote:Ok Shun will grow after the Aiga match but what about the rest of the characters are they still going to remain one-sided? This brings up another problem with this fanfic it focuses waaaay too much on Shun, Yeah, I understand that she's the mc but the other characters need character development too, shun can't be the only somewhat likable character.(Oct. 13, 2020 1:56 AM)SacredXcalibur Wrote: yeah, you're doing a decent job making her skills grow but what about her personality? everyone in this fanfic is one-sided and most of the characters are bland. It has a good story but its lacking in character growth.
What till after the battle with aiga then her personal will grow
No hate I'm just trying to share some tips and express my opinion
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 13, 2020
(Oct. 13, 2020 2:05 AM)SacredXcalibur Wrote:Akira is in a coma(Oct. 13, 2020 1:59 AM)kai edits Wrote: What till after the battle with aiga then her personal will growOk Shun will grow after the Aiga match but what about the rest of the characters are they still going to remain one-sided. This brings up another problem with this fanfic it focuses waaaay too much on Shun, Yeah I understand that she's the mc but the other characters need character devolopment too, shun can't be the only somewhat likable character.
No hate i'm just trying to share some tips and express my opinion
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - Eclipse Force - Oct. 13, 2020
(Oct. 13, 2020 2:38 AM)kai edits Wrote:(Oct. 13, 2020 2:05 AM)SacredXcalibur Wrote: Ok Shun will grow after the Aiga match but what about the rest of the characters are they still going to remain one-sided. This brings up another problem with this fanfic it focuses waaaay too much on Shun, Yeah I understand that she's the mc but the other characters need character devolopment too, shun can't be the only somewhat likable character.Akira is in a coma
No hate i'm just trying to share some tips and express my opinion
Sure, but that doesn't mean all other characters cant get development
Quickly re read the story, when and how did Akira get into a coma exactly?
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - SacredXcalibur - Oct. 13, 2020
ok what about dimitri and other characters.
(Oct. 13, 2020 2:38 AM)kai edits Wrote:(Oct. 13, 2020 2:05 AM)SacredXcalibur Wrote: Ok Shun will grow after the Aiga match but what about the rest of the characters are they still going to remain one-sided. This brings up another problem with this fanfic it focuses waaaay too much on Shun, Yeah I understand that she's the mc but the other characters need character devolopment too, shun can't be the only somewhat likable character.Akira is in a coma
No hate i'm just trying to share some tips and express my opinion
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - Golden Freddy - Oct. 13, 2020
I mean it would be cool if my character wins and he’s like a main villain/focus but I’m fine with him having like his own little side story or something else
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - Eclipse Force - Oct. 13, 2020
Here's all that has happened so far:
Shun and Akira were in a car accident and their parents died. Shun swears that she and Maiden will protect Akira, even if it costs her life.
Solid backstory
We're in a tournament and Akira is fighting Shu and Akira loses. That means Shun is up against Shu next, and Shu wins
Akira and Shun losing is a good choice, but Shun losing does not make sense when she's this overpowered with her time stop. Also, Shu's characterization is off.
So Shun is having bad dreams about Akira, and she wakes up confused. Maiden tells her they need to join as one to win. Sure, why not. So for some reason despite losing to Shu Shun is still in the tournament, so it must be like the Legend's Festival. You should clear that up. Anyways Shun fights Valt and wins.
Valt and Shu are pretty much equal in power, so I dont understand how Valt could lose. Again, Shun is also overpowered.
Shun wakes up from a bad dream and Maiden tries to convince Shun to destroy. Shun refuses and Maiden insists they're the boss here. Nice build up between blader and bey. Shun and Siger are pretty much equal here, which makes no sense when the more skilled blader Valt lost. Anyways Maiden is taking control during the battle.
Maiden trying to get Shun to destroy is an interesting concept, but it just feels like the same thing over and over again. Its nice Shun has a challenge but beating Valt and struggling against Aiger makes no sense.
Anyways Akira is not in a coma, so yeah
Also overall rating so far, 4.5/10. The potential is there, but you're missing the mark on alot of stuff, not to mention the many extra flaws.
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - Golden Freddy - Oct. 13, 2020
This is the story for my character I entered:
The bey breaks in a battle against another bey. It’s owner dumps it and leaves it for dead. The bey full with anger and agony rebuilds itself and now seeks vengeance on the bey and blader that broke him and his owner.
And now the bey makes a projection of a blader that it controls to go seek its vengeance
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 13, 2020
(Oct. 13, 2020 2:41 AM)Eclipse Force Wrote:(Oct. 13, 2020 2:38 AM)kai edits Wrote: Akira is in a coma
Sure, but that doesn't mean all other characters cant get development
Quickly re read the story, when and how did Akira get into a coma exactly?
After her battle with shu spriggan attack was too much for her body to handle.
This chapter has blood you have been warned
Chapter 4 shun vs aiga
Aiga:well you took me by surprise shun well done.
Shun:thanks
Maiden:consume him consume him nowwwwww
Shun:arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Aiga:what's going on shun you ok
Shun(possessed):I will win there is no stopping me.
Maiden destroy everything make everything disappear now.
Shu:what power is this. Wait a second. Aiga get out of there shun is not in control anymore maiden is in control now.
Aiga:Achilles infinity slash
Shun:maiden block it
In shun mind
Maiden:let me do the work
Shun:no I am the one doing the battling
Maiden:do you want your sister to see how strong you are.
Shun:enough I had enough.
Back to the battle
Shun:maidennnn darkness turbo
Aiga:your actually made me go serious. Achilles infinity buster
Shun collapses to her knees and coughs up a bit of blood.
Shun:I will not be controlled by my own bey. I will I will. Finish this match with my hands. Maidens time.
*time stops*
Aiga: Achilles break through
Shun:what. maiden lock reguard
Maiden turns completely black. Achilles knocks maiden in the air and maiden bursts.
Shun falls backward
Shun:akira I failed you
Shun collapses on the ground.
Aiga:shun you ok shun answer me shun .
Chapter end
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - DeltaZakuro - Oct. 13, 2020
getting a little better. at least Shun's plot armor streak has disappeared.
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 13, 2020
(Oct. 13, 2020 3:51 AM)DeltaZakuro Wrote: getting a little better. at least Shun's plot armor streak has disappeared.
Shun is gonna die sadly.
This chapter is creepy and has blood you have been warned
Chapter 5 maiden awakens
In shun's dream
Akira:shun wake up your gonna be late
Shun:I am up
Akira:good let's go big sis
Shun hugs akira
Shun:alright let's go
Shun looks at her self and she realized she was covered in blood.
Shun:ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
In the real world
Akira:shun wake up shun
Shun:where am i?
Aiga:in the hospital
Shun:is akira ok
Aiga:she is fine. Looks like your bey is not so ok
Aiga pulls out maiden. Maiden is broken in half.
Shun:maiden
Aiga:don't worry maiden is gonna be fine.
In shun's mind
Maiden:shun you should have listen to me.
Shun:why would i. You nearly caused me the match.
Maiden:listen I need you to free me from this prison. We need to fuse 100 percent this time.
Shun:I don't know because last time I check i am in a dang hospital.
Back in the real world
Akira:shun you ok you seem in a lot of pain
Shun:I am fine don't worry. I will protect you always .
Shun hugs akira
Shun:akira can you give this to Dimitri
Shun passes akira a letter.
Akira:sure
Shun:thank you
Shun falls asleep
Aiga:dang the nerve of her she is really strong if it was not for maiden losing control she would have won.
A girl walks in the room. It's Alice kurenai
Alice:aiga you big jerk why did you hurt my little sister like that.
Aiga:she was the one asking for it.
Later
In shun mind
Shun:maiden you there
Maiden:shouldn't you be asleep
Shun:can we fuse now?
Maiden:we can but my beyblade body will evolve.
Shun:i just want to fuse maiden I need to be a better blader for my sister's.
Maiden:ok shun let's fuse.
In the real world
Shu walks to shun's hospital bed
Shu:shun I can't believe you nearly beat aiga.
Shun left hand the birthmark of maiden appeared.
Shu:what's going on
Maiden turns black and evolves into infinity maiden
Shun wakes up
Shun:oh I did not expected you being here big brother.
Shu:what is with you and that bey
Shun:what don't like my bey because I beat valt with it.
Shu:no by the second it's power is getting unstable.
Chapter end
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - ShaDowTr3x - Oct. 13, 2020
Hold up shun gets hurt by a battle with spriggan. Bruh my beys strong enough to put you in hell and torture you for all eternity. What’s this power scale lol
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 13, 2020
(Oct. 13, 2020 2:28 PM)ShaDowTr3x Wrote: Hold up shun gets hurt by a battle with spriggan. Bruh my beys strong enough to put you in hell and torture you for all eternity. What’s this power scale lolAkira got hurt by spriggan not shun
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - Golden Freddy - Oct. 13, 2020
(Oct. 13, 2020 2:30 PM)kai edits Wrote:(Oct. 13, 2020 2:28 PM)ShaDowTr3x Wrote: Hold up shun gets hurt by a battle with spriggan. Bruh my beys strong enough to put you in hell and torture you for all eternity. What’s this power scale lolAkira got hurt by spriggan not shun
Oh ok
(Oct. 13, 2020 2:28 PM)ShaDowTr3x Wrote: Hold up shun gets hurt by a battle with spriggan. Bruh my beys strong enough to put you in hell and torture you for all eternity. What’s this power scale lol
Bro, you can’t keep saying the bey I came up with is yours
That’s plagiarism
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - ShaDowTr3x - Oct. 13, 2020
(Oct. 13, 2020 2:35 PM)Golden Freddy Wrote:(Oct. 13, 2020 2:30 PM)kai edits Wrote: Akira got hurt by spriggan not shun
Oh ok
(Oct. 13, 2020 2:28 PM)ShaDowTr3x Wrote: Hold up shun gets hurt by a battle with spriggan. Bruh my beys strong enough to put you in hell and torture you for all eternity. What’s this power scale lol
Bro, you can’t keep saying the bey I came up with is yours
That’s plagiarism
You said I could use it
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - Golden Freddy - Oct. 13, 2020
(Oct. 13, 2020 2:38 PM)ShaDowTr3x Wrote:(Oct. 13, 2020 2:35 PM)Golden Freddy Wrote: Oh ok
Bro, you can’t keep saying the bey I came up with is yours
That’s plagiarism
You said I could use it
Just because I said you could use the idea doesn’t mean you can say it’s yours
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - ShaDowTr3x - Oct. 13, 2020
(Oct. 13, 2020 2:38 PM)Golden Freddy Wrote:(Oct. 13, 2020 2:38 PM)ShaDowTr3x Wrote: You said I could use it
Just because I said you could use the idea doesn’t mean you can say it’s yours
Fine, whatever I didn’t even want it
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - Golden Freddy - Oct. 13, 2020
(Oct. 13, 2020 2:39 PM)ShaDowTr3x Wrote:(Oct. 13, 2020 2:38 PM)Golden Freddy Wrote: Just because I said you could use the idea doesn’t mean you can say it’s yours
Fine, whatever I didn’t even want it
Then why did you ask lol
RE: Beyblade burst apocalypse(15+) (character contest/crossover) - kai edits - Oct. 13, 2020
Do this in pm not in my fanfic thread