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+--- Thread: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers (/Thread-Beyblade-VS-Battle-Strikers--37675)
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - Temporal - Aug. 15, 2011
Two things.
One: It sounds like a good idea.
Two: You're supposed to do these things in secret. Telling someone the plot beforehand isn't a good idea. Since we know about it, put it aside and do it later, and do one of your other ideas first.
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 15, 2011
Okay, okay, sheesh, what's with storywriting and secrecy? It's not like someone's going to try and steal my ideas, is it?
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - Temporal - Aug. 15, 2011
No, it just makes the story sound better if it is an idea that we haven't heard. Like, if you read a summary of a book, and you knew what was coming, it wouldn't sound as good, right? The same applies here. I'm not saying drop the idea, I'm saying revisit it later.
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 15, 2011
Very well.
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 16, 2011
Chapter 3: Clash of Tops
Previously on Beyblade VS Battle Strikers...
Zane then asks Alister when he sees the Beyblades, "Hey, what kind of Battle Strikers are these? They don't look like that they'd be magnetically-controlled!". Alister frowns, knowing that he might potentially waste time explaining Beyblades to Zane, but Reiji assured to Alister that he'll do the explaining instead.
Now, on to the next chapter!
Zane was practically in disbelief when he listened to Reiji's explanation of his and his peers' situation. "So, you guys are saying that you've come some from other dimension as a result of some crazy stunt one of you came up with?", asks Zane. All four of our bladers say at the same time, "YES!".
Reiji started, "It was actually my dumb idea to open a portal with our Beyblades, and now we're stuck here with possibly no way to get back home, because of my--" "Reiji, we get it already!", interrupted an exasperated Jackie, putting her hands on her hips. Alister then warned sternly, "Don't start, you two. We wouldn't want you acting like an elderly married couple here, it's bad luck." On Alister's warning, both would've-been arguers kept quiet. Zane then said, "You know, I've never actually any other kind of battling top asides from other people's Battle Strikers, so I was wondering if I could battle one of you guys?", as he pulls out his Turbo Launcher and attaching Dragonfire to the bottom of it. Reiji then replied eagerly, "Hey, I'll battle you!", as he attaches his Vulcanium Ra D:D-M to the bottom hooks of his string launcher (with 3-segment launcher grip and his Beypoint Card in the holder on the grip).
The clerk then advised to the two boys, "Hey, if you want to battle, arena's through this door over there!", pointing to a door near where the frozen foods section of the store is, with a sign reading 'Battle your Strikers in Here!'. The five then walked towards the door, opened it, and saw a downwards staircase with a trail of electric lights lighting the way down. "Well, down we go into the proverbial Gates of He--", started Milly when Jackie interrupted, "Hey, sorry to break the forth wall, but this is a story for all audiences, Milly, so watch your mouth now!" "Sorry.", apologizes Milly as she and the other four, after a few minutes of walking, reached the end of the staircase.
When they did, they came into an amazing sight (though Zane's not too awestruck since he's seen it before in the past): a wide, underground space filled with Battle Strikers arenas, and kids battling each other's tops in them. The space also has overhead spotlights, some speakers that are playing rock music, and people overseeing the arenas and the battles that take place in them, as well as backgrounds of outer space on the walls.
Zane then explains to the Beybladers, "Guys, welcome...to the Underground StrikerDrome, the clerk who owns the shop upstairs, came up with this place, and it's legitimate! He wanted to build the StrikerDrome topside, but thought there wouldn't be enough space, and the shop had this huge basement, and that's when he got the idea for the Underground StrikerDrome. Now, most StrikerDromes are on the surface, and he thought out of the box, and built this place as an underground one. Plus, he's hired a few people to be the officials in the StrikerDrome, as you can see. I was as awestruck as you guys when I first came here!". Reiji smiled widely and replied, "This place is AWESOME! It reminds me of the WBBA arena back home! Let's battle!" Zane then said, "Hey, cool it, man! Let's wait until the battle in that arena over there's done with!", pointing to an arena with a battle that was already ending, as the two kids playing against each other, complimented one another on a well-played game before leaving.
After that, Zane and Reiji rush to the arena, greeted by a female official overseeing it. "Hey Zane, who's your friend?", asks the official, as she sees the aforementioned and Reiji get to their sides of the arena. Zane smiled and replied, "Hi Sheila, I'd like you to meet my new opponent, Reiji. Reiji, meet Sheila, one of the officials hired by the clerk." Sheila smiled at Reiji, and says to him, "Hi, Reiji, I hope you have a good battle, Zane's a tough customer with the legendary Dragonfire on his side!". Reiji blushed a bit, and replied, "I'll see what I can do to totally cream Dragonfire!", as he holds his launcher over the arena, with Zane doing the same with his Turbo Launcher, and also telling Sheila, "Oh, and also, I'm not going to use the finger controller if you don't mind!". Sheila nodded, before starting the battle cry.
"Ready..."
"Set..."
"GO SHOOT / STRIKE!", said both Reiji and Zane at the same time as their tops launch into the arena, beginning the battle. Milly, Jackie, and Alister watched as the two proverbial titans clashed and crossed metal with one another in the arena. Sheila watches the battle with great interest as she thought to herself, "Now I see why Zane's not using the finger controller for this battle; Reiji's not using one either! I wonder what for--wait a minute! Reiji's top, it's not a Battle Striker that's for sure, but this thing's battling as fiercely as Dragonfire! Must be an attack-type, and a powerful one at that!".
Zane then ordered to his Battle Striker, "Dragonfire, Draconic Flame attack!", as said top assumed a fiery aura. Reiji commands to his Beyblade, "Ra, Sun God Blue Flame attack!", as the 4D battling top glowed with its signature flaming blue glow as the tops spun towards each other before colliding, and when it happened...FWOOOOOSHHHHHHHH!!!! A great, purplish column of fire spewed forth from the arena, causing a scene. Some Battle Strikers players fled upstairs in fear, others just stayed behind to see how it turns out. Surprisingly, the column of fire is not burning anything at all, down to the ground! After what seemed to be an eternity, though it was only a few minutes, the column of fire faded away, and when the smoke cleared, it reveals Vulcanium Ra D:D-M still spinning, and Dragonfire motionless...
Author's Note: I made up the Draconic Flame attack for Dragonfire, because I didn't know if Battle Strikers have named special attacks like Beyblades do. Anywho, tell me what you think and give me ideas for events to come in the story! :)
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 16, 2011
Say, Temporal, whaddya think of CHapter 3?
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - Temporal - Aug. 16, 2011
Hm. It's a pretty good chapter with few mistakes. The main issue here is the large paragraphs. Some might be turned away due to the large paragraphs. Break them up a bit. Speaking of breaking, breaking the fourth wall was a pretty good idea, and it's a good idea to do it in the beginning. You can only do it once or twice, though, so think thoroughly before doing it again, along the lines of "Will it sound forced or outplayed?". I'd advise that you take out the "Not even the store" part, as it kinda doesn't fit, but that's about all for advice. Also, there are other writers who can give you advice, you don't always have to wait for me. You can ask Sparta, SDamon Cronus, and a bunch of others.
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 16, 2011
I'll remember to do so!
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 17, 2011
I am happy to announce that Chapter 4 is coming up with a battle between Alister and a member of Team Phantom I made up.
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 19, 2011
Chapter 4: Duel of Defense-types! Alister VS Mordecai!
"Aw man, I lost, but that battle was totally AWESOME!!", screeched Zane eagerly as he rushed to grab Dragonfire, with Reiji taking his Ra. Before Reiji could reply, a wicked cackle sounded out throughout the StrikerDrome, causing some who heard it to shiver in fear, even fleeing up the stairs, except for the bladers, the officials, and Zane. Zane then puts on a serious face as he then says, "I know who makes that laugh...Come out and show yourself...Mordecai!", as a black-haired, red-eyed boy dressed in a dark purple sweatjacket, black khakis, and New Balance sneakers, walked out of the shadows into the view of our heroes; Mordecai. "Yeah, that's right, loser; Mordecai of Team Phantom's in the freaking house!", sneered the black-haired boy. "So, who is this guy?", asks Alister to Zane, who replied, "This is Mordecai Darkovich, a member of a Battle Strikers group, Team Phantom, who have dark, fiendish Battle Strikers with StrikerSouls that can suck the stamina of enemy tops in battle. Team Phantom is also one of the Top 3 Battle Strikers teams in the world, alongside Teams Paladin and Predator!"
"Hey, Zane, I see you've got some new friends", Mordecai started arrogantly, "I bet each one is as big a loser as you are!". Alister didn't like him insulting him and his colleagues and replied harshly to the Team Phantom member, "Listen, we are NOT losers, and if you want to start something, then I'll gladly finish it!", as he held up his Hades Annihilate F:C. "Oh, so you want to battle, huh? Then bring it!", snarled Mordecai, holding up his Battle Striker, a darkly-colored and ultra-intimidating Phantom Striker named Odinskull. Zane whispered to Al, "Careful, man, Mordecai's Odinskull is a defense-type, and it could steal your Beyblade's stamina in battle!", to which Alister replied, "Hn. So is my Hades."
The two approached an empty arena, and prepared their tops for battle. "So, purple-head, are you ready to l--", started Mordecai, but Alister interrupts him with an incredibly serious tone, "The name is Alister, punk, and you should be the one to lose. My Hades Annihilate's defense is impenetrable!" Mordecai smirked, and responds, "Hah! My Odinskull has superior defense, and it will totally drain your stupid little top's stamina and win this battle easily!". Alister replies, "We'll see about that!", as both opponents start the battle cry:
"3..."
"2..."
"1..."
"GO SHOOT! / STRIKE!", finished both boys as they launch their respective tops into the arena. Mordecai is the first to declare an attack from his Odinskull, "Odinskull, show this pathetic little top what a REAL Battle Striker can do! Black Crystal Spikes of Terror!!", as said Battle Striker sprouts purplish, crystalline, razor-sharp spikes on its weapon, as it spun towards Hades. Alister decides to go on the offensive as well, "Hades, show this Battle Striker the true meaning of terror! Underworld Black Arts: Shield Destroyer!". The 4D Defense-type Beyblade then assumed an aura of pure black fire, while its Fusion Wheel changes from Defense Mode to Attack Mode, as it then collided with Odinskull, shattering the crystal spikes in one hit as it sent the dark Phantom Striker up in the air with a mean Smash Attack, before it landing back into the arena still raring to fight, though its stamina has been halved. Mordecai then sneered, "Wow, I never would've thought you'd shatter the spikes in a single hit! Last time me and Zane fought, it took him five hits to break the Black Crystal Spikes into pieces! Still doesn't matter, because I'm gonna kick your rear end in this!". Alister then frowned, "Let's see you try, with your Battle Striker's stamina being halved from that last attack!", as Mordecai then noticed Odinskull spinning gradually slower, before thinking to himself, "I should be the one beating that purple-haired creep in this battle, not him beating me! I must use my last resort suicide technique!"
Zane, who was watching the battle with Reiji, Milly, and Jackie, when he saw the Shield Destroyer from Alister's Hades shattering the Black Crystal Spikes in one good hit as he thought, "Wow! It only took me five hits, and Alister's broke the Black Crystal Spikes into tiny pieces in just one well-placed hit! I'd best be careful if I'm up against him!". Milly, who is also recording the battle on her laptop, was also looking at Odinskull's bludgeoning stamina levels with great interest. Reiji was practically cheering Alister on, hollering "Yeah! You got 'im Al! Teach that punk what it means to be a Beyblader!", much to Jackie's irritation, as she then yells to him, "I know he's kicking Morde-cad's rear end, so shut up, Reiji, and it ain't over yet!", as she points out Mordecai ready to use his last resort maneuver.
"Time for me to get serious! Odinskull, Suicide Frag Bomb!! Give it everything you've got in this attack!", ordered Mordecai to his Battle Striker started building up energy. Milly notices Odinskull's energy readings on her laptop intensify as she then gasps, "Odinskull's energy levels are reaching critical mass!". Jackie asks Milly rather impatiently, "Well, what does critical mass mean, genius?", as Milly replies with great worry, "Critical mass means that it might blow up...and GOOD!". Jackie's eyes then widen in shock and terror as Reiji warned to Alister, "Al! Watch out! He's gonna blow!!"
Alister then takes on a wicked smirk as he whispers to his Beyblade, "Special Move: Underworld Black Arts: Orichalcum Shield", as it took on a golden glow when Odinskull released a large amount of dark energy in a huge explosion that practically shook the StrikerDrome, as well as the convenience store topside, to its foundations! When the smoke cleared, and the shaking stopped, Alister's Hades is still spinning, while Odinskull is in pieces...Alister had won the battle! Mordecai was in disbelief when he saw Hades survivng the explosion, and growls, "How can THIS be?! My suicide attack is foolproof! You cheated!", to which a new voice replies, "He did not cheat, you've put too much confidence in the abilities of your Odinskull! Plus, you're being a sore loser at this moment, something we don't accept in Team Phantom! Battle Strikers aren't about power alone, it's how you use your tops in battle!"
Mordecai paled, recognizing the voice as its owner came out from the shadows. The newcomer has blonde hair, tan skin, and is wearing a purplish-colored T-shirt with a black widow spider on it, black khakis, and sneakers with a cool-looking black-and-red color scheme. On the khakis, is a utility belt with a Battle Strikers Hyper Strike Launcher (which has a ripcord), a finger controller with a TRIGG FX Core activator attachment, and a small, see-through case with a lid containing the person's Battle Striker. Zane also recognizes the mystery person and gasps, "Watch out guys, that's Justin Kruger, the leader of Team Phantom, and a world-class contender in Battle Strikers known for his ferocity in battle! Like me, he is also in possession of a legendary StrikerSoul, in this case, a demonic spider monster known as Black Widow, and the Battle Striker containing it uses the Mecha FX system, a two-piece system consisting of a Weapon and an FX Core. Black Widow FX, in this case, has a weapon with incredible offensive and defensive capabilities, and a high chance of dealing critical knockout hits! It also has the attack-type UPPER.CUT FX Core, which allows it to attack enemy Strikers from below! Plus, he has a special attachment for his finger controller called a TRIGG which not only prevents the top from sticking to the controller, but also activating the FX Core!"
After Zane finished his explanation about the very leader of Team Phantom himself, who was scolding Mordecai at the moment, the aforementioned Justin Kruger turned to Alister and says to him, "My, my, aren't you a powerful one? To beat Mordecai like that and get him flying into a temper tantrum over losing, really took a whole boatload of guts!"
Alister then replied in his distinctive cold tone, "Yeah, it did. Now what do you want?"
Chapter End
Author's Note: I still have that idea of Team Phantom not liking Beyblades and being hellbent on destroying them all in consideration. Forgive me if I've put too much spoken dialogue. If you want, I'll delete some of it.
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 19, 2011
I could use some opinions, please!
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 20, 2011
Hey, Sparta, what do you think?
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - Temporal - Aug. 20, 2011
Another pretty good, fundamental chapter. No spelling errors, good grammar, keep it up. Do not worry, you can simply ask for a review from Renegade Reviews.
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 20, 2011
Thanks for the advice. You know, I kind of see you like a mentor, do you know that?
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 20, 2011
Anyone of you guys got ideas for the fifth chapter?
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 21, 2011
WHen I put up Chapter 5, I know you're gonna love it!
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - sum 472 - Aug. 21, 2011
[quote='T. L-Drago 9207' pid='759794' dateline='1313871378']
Anyone of you guys got ideas for the fifth chapter?
[/quote
]How about Reiji,Milly,Alister and Jackie go to a Tournament?[Might be a bit early though]
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 22, 2011
Chapter 5: Enter Justin Kruger
"What do I want, you ask? Well, I saw your battle with Mordecai from the shadows that I came out of, and I was impressed with how your Beyblade made it past the near-impenetrable Black Crystal Spikes of Terror", started Kruger, "And I know what you might be thinking; 'How did you know Hades was a Beyblade?' To answer that question, I overheard you guys explaining Beyblades, as well as your world to young Zane, while I was in the candy aisle of the convenience store, picking out a candy bar to buy for myself (even world-class contenders can have sweet teeth). I also have a proposition for Alister."
Alister crosses his arms over his chest and replies, "Well, offer away, even though I'd care less.". Kruger clears his throat and said with a rather sinister sparkle in his eye, "Alister, if you join Team Phantom, I'll give you a power-boost beyond anything you've ever seen before! I'll even give you your own personal StrikerDrome!". Alister thought for a moment or two, and replied, "I'm sorry, Kruger, but I'm going to have to decline, because me, Reiji, Milly, and Jackie are trying to get back home, together. Me and Hades already have the all power we need, and don't try to fool me into betraying my compatriots or Beyblading!"
Kruger's eyes widen in surprise at Al's remark, but calms down and replies, "What ever do you mean, Al?". Alister's dark expression intensified as he said to the leader of Team Phantom harshly, "Don't you ever play dumb with me, Kruger! I saw it in your eyes that you despise Beyblades, and would want nothing more than to smash them to pieces!". Zane, Reiji, Milly, and Jackie let out a shocked gasp at what Alister revealed about Kruger, as said world-class Battle Strikers player's face took on an expression of pure wickedness as he snarls, "You've just made a mistake, defying me, Alister! No-one defies Justin Kruger! No-one! And, yeah, you're right, I do hate Beyblades!", also assuming an evil black aura and his eyes glowing a sick purple.
"Uh-oh, now you've done it, man! Justin can be quite nasty when provoked, and if I were you guys, I'd freaking SCRAM!!", whimpered Mordecai as he then rushed up the stairs. Kruger attaches his Black Widow FX to the bottom hooks of his Hyper Strike Launcher, as if threatening to harm Alister and the others with the legendary arachnid StrikerSoul's power, when Alister launched his Hades at Kruger's launcher, knocking it out his hands. Kruger groaned in pain, clutching his wrist, and growling, "I'll send my boys to hound you fools for this, you hear me?! I'll have my boys harass your pathetic heads off, and destroy your precious Beyblades!", as Alister retrieved Hades with he and the others head up the stairs.
"Sheesh! You really know how to figure out a guy's true nature by looking him in the eyes, huh?", asks Reiji. Alister responds coolly, "Yeah, but let's find a place to stay!", to which Zane replied, "You could stay at my house, if you want. My parents love to meet new people!". Milly smiled and said, "It would be most appreciated, Zane.", to which Jackie said, "Yeah, we all know how motels can be like, huh?".
Chapter End
Author's Note: I guess I made a monster out of Justin Kruger, huh? When angry, he's a FREAKING PSYCHO! When he's not in a rage, he's cool-headed and smooth-talking.
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 22, 2011
(Aug. 21, 2011 11:18 PM)sum 472 Wrote:(Aug. 20, 2011 9:16 PM)T. L-Drago 9207 Wrote: Anyone of you guys got ideas for the fifth chapter?
Yeah, I had an Idea but it's in the Story Ideas Thread.
Well, put her here!
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - Sparta - Aug. 22, 2011
Oh, sorry! Kinda forgot about this story.
One thing I will give you: I can really tell you've improved your writing. From day one of me reviewing stories, I hadn't seen anyone really take any advice and change. You're one of the first to do so, and for that I have to give you props.
Still, the story could use some work. Allow me to give you a few tips:
1. The story's content is good, but it moves pretty fast from one place to the next. Slow it down, and take your time with each scene (for example, the part where the main character almost joins team Phantom. Have him scowl, get ready, think about, then knock his hand away or something).
2. You seem to switch tenses a lot. First, you're talking in 3rd person omniscient, then you talk as a narrator (with the "our heroes" stuff). Try to choose one or the other and keep to that.
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 22, 2011
Thanks, Sparta!
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - sum 472 - Aug. 22, 2011
(Aug. 22, 2011 3:25 PM)T. L-Drago 9207 Wrote:(Aug. 21, 2011 11:18 PM)sum 472 Wrote:(Aug. 20, 2011 9:16 PM)T. L-Drago 9207 Wrote: Anyone of you guys got ideas for the fifth chapter?
Yeah, I had an Idea but it's in the Story Ideas Thread.
Well, put her here!
How about Reiji, Milly, Alister and Jackie go to a Tournament?
Oh and Milly's Crush on Alister seems to be thinning away, does she still love him?
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 23, 2011
Well Milly doesn't show her crush on Alister much, she's not very open of it!
And yeah, a tournament sounds good!
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 23, 2011
Next Time on Beyblade VS Battle Strikers
Reiji, Milly, Jackie, Alister, and Zane enter a Battle Strikers tournament for a chance to battle Kevin Lobos, the leader of Team Predator, also a world-class contender, and during this tournament, Justin Kruger makes good on his threat to send his teammates to hound the Beybladers. Milly is attacked, but was saved by a chivalrous Battle Strikers player from Team Paladin and was flattered, but still has her affections for Alister. Will our heroes make to the top and keep Team Phantom from ruining the tournament for them? Find out in Chapter 6 of Beyblade VS Battle Strikers!
RE: Beyblade VS Battle Strikers - T. L-Drago 9207 - Aug. 24, 2011
so, any other ideas for Chapter 6?