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+--- Thread: Fan Fiction Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (Chracter Contest Soon and also accepting people) (/Thread-Fan-Fiction-Beyblade-Burst-Sparking-Battle-Chracter-Contest-Soon-and-also-accepting-people)
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RE: Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (Chracter Contest Soon and also accepting people) - Dragon Blader Z - May. 05, 2021
(May. 05, 2021 2:04 AM)SSJBDoku Wrote: DragonBladerZ, mate you have the same problem i used to have.
When your writing you get excited and you want to get to certain points quick but you need to slow down take your time what i mean is your story has potential but you need to slow down the plot Danny went from having a new bey to going to the Raging Bulls and WBO and we got little to no information on who Danny is that's all i have to say for now
Soon In my chapter I’ll be about Danny
Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 4
Us VS BC Sol
Danny and Paul: We won!!!
Hyuga: Awww man
Hikaru: How though!!!
Danny: You two have to get along and use a strategy
Hyuga and Hikaru: Ok
(Danny’s sister somehow comes to Danny and Paul)
Danny’s sister: Danny and your friend you’re going to BC Sol
Danny: First we went to the Raging Bulls, and now BC Sol
Paul: Amazing!!!
(Danny and Paul get on the plane and they get to Spain)
Danny: Wow this is Spain where BC Sol is
Paul: So cool!!!
Valt: Come with me to BC Sol
Danny and Paul: That’s Valt Aoi!!!
Valt: Yep
(Danny and Paul follow Valt to BC Sol)
Valt: You’re going to battle Rantaro, Sisco, and our new member Lialus
Paul: I’ll watch the battles
Danny: Ok
Rantaro: Battle me first
Danny: Ok
Danny and Rantaro: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Rantaro: Ragnaruk!!! Typhoon Tornado
Danny: Kitsune!!! Flame Tail
(After those attacks they get thrown into the air)
Danny and Rantaro: Survive!!!
(Both beys have survived)
Danny: Flame Launch
Rantaro: Free Typhoon Spin
(Ragnaruk gets ringed out)
Valt: Flame Kitsune with a ring out finish Danny wins
Danny: Wow
Sisco: Now you’re up against me pipsqueak
Danny: Don’t call me pipsqueak!!!
Kitsune: Danny focus on the battle don’t focus on Sisco
Danny: Ok I’ll focus on the battle
(Talk ended)
Danny and Sisco: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Sisco: Satan use Triple Twister
Danny: Flame Launch
(Kitsune is attacking Satan, but Satan is repelling the attacks)
Sisco: Ha you don’t know how to blade don’t you
Danny: Kitsune!!!
(Kitsune’s avatar happens)
(Kitsune is glowing gold and red. Kitsune activated Ultra Fire-Flux)
Danny: Flame Sword
Sisco: Roller Defense
(Satan bursts)
Valt: Flame Kitsune with a burst finish Danny wins
Danny: I won again!!!
Kitsune: Don’t get yourself carried away
Danny: Ok Kitsune
Valt: Now you’re going to battle our other member
Danny: Ok
Lialus: I’m a member here, and I want to battle you!!!
Lialus: Meet my bey Flip Larry
Danny’s thoughts: Flip Larry is a dual spinning balance type that has one blade and if you flip the layer it goes left so I gotta take the center
Valt: Ready, and set
Danny and Lialus: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Lialus: Take the center
Danny: Not on my watch
(Kitsune and Larry are attacking head on in the center)
Lialus: Larry use Flip One Blade Attack
Danny: Now Flame Defense
(Kitsune did not get attacked)
Lialus: That attack would normally make me win
Danny: This time not
(Kitsune hits the wall and goes up in the air)
Danny: Flame Dive!!!
Lialus: Flip Dive Defense
(Both beys burst)
Valt: Simultaneious Burst Finish Draw
Danny and Lialus: WHAT!!!
(The End)
Preview:
Danny: We’re going up against Free and Valt
Danny: And I’m teamed up with Lialus
Lialus: Hope we win
Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 5
The High School Prodigy and Wonder-Boy VS Danny and Lialus
So USN what do think of chapter 4 with your character in it
RE: Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (Chracter Contest Soon and also accepting people) - USN - May. 05, 2021
dragon Blader Z
I will always remember this sentence: (Kitsune and Larry are attacking head on in the center)
It is butiful.
RE: Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (Chracter Contest Soon and also accepting people) - Dragon Blader Z - May. 05, 2021
(May. 05, 2021 2:20 PM)USN Wrote: dragon Blader Z
I will always remember this sentence: (Kitsune and Larry are attacking head on in the center)
It is butiful.
Thanks!!!
If you don’t know about my DynaSpark system this is how it is:
-Armor
-DynaSpark Blade
-DynaSpark Core
-Chassis or Disc
-Driver
Also it can be like this:
-DynaSpark Core
-DynaSpark Blade
-Armor
-Chassis or Disc
-Driver
Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 5
The High School Prodigy and Wonder-Boy VS Danny and Lialus
(Free comes to BC Sol)
Danny: Is that The High School Prodigy Free De La Hoya?
Lialus: Yep that’s Free
Free: Valt
Valt: Yes Free
Free: I want to do a tag team battle with you
Valt: Ok
Valt: It’s me and Free VS you and Lialus
Danny: Ok
Paul: I’ll be ref for this one
Paul: Ready, and set
Free, Valt, Lialus, and Danny: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Lialus: Larry hit Fafnir!!!
Free: Absorb Spin
(Fafnir takes Larry’s spin)
Lialus: WHAT!!!
Free: My Fafnir took your spin
Valt: Valkyrie use Conqueror Launch
Danny: Flame Defense
(Kitsune did not get attacked)
Valt: That’s impressive but you can’t get away from me
Valt: Conqueror Sword
Danny: Flame Sword
(Kitsune and Valkyrie attack each other and they both get ringed out)
Lialus: Now it’s me and you Free
Lialus: Flip Break
Free: Absorb Break
(Larry got speed after Free’s attack)
Lialus: Now Flip One Blade Attack
Free: Burst Larry Fafnir
(Larry gets bursted by Fafnir)
Paul: It’s Absorb Fafnir and Conqueror Valkyrie with a burst finish. Free and Valt wins
Lialus: What was that?
Danny: A slo-mo burst is when a fast clockwise spinning bey hits a slow counterclockwise spinning bey and the clockwise bey bursts
Valt: Nice Job Danny!!!
Danny: Thanks
Lialus: I’m going to train to get even better
Lialus: So I’m going with Danny
Valt: Are you sure Lialus?
Lialus: I’m sure
Valt: Ok suit yourself
Danny: We’re leaving
Valt: Bye Lialus!!!
Lialus: Bye Valt and Free
(Lialus, Danny, and Paul get on the plane and leave Spain)
(The End)
Preview:
Danny: Wait the WBO made a tournament
Paul: We’re going to join it right guys?
Lialus and Danny: Yep Right
Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 6
The Tournament Of Legends
Danny: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 6
The Tournament of Legends
(Danny, Lialus, and Paul get to the Rainbow Tree Arena)
Danny: We’re here
Paul: It’s my first time being here
Lialus: Me too!!!
Danny: Wait the announcements is going to start
Hanami: Welcome to the Rainbow Tree Arena and here were going to have a tournament with a total of 14 bladers
Danny, Paul, and Lialus: Wait a Tournament!!!
Hanami: And were having 2 groups, Group A will consist of Lain Valhalla, Shu Kurenai, Danny Flame, Aiger Akabane, Valt Aoi, Free De La Hoya, and Paul Aoki
Hanami: And Group B will consist of Rantaro Kiyama, Sisco Karlisle, Xander Shakadera, Dante Koryu, Lui Shirosagi, Hikaru Hizashi, and Lialus Frunk
Danny, Paul, and Lialus: Wow!!!
Hanami: Today we’re having two battles and they are Danny Flame, and Aiger Akabane VS Paul Aoki and Lain Valhalla
Paul: Wait I’m teaming up with Lain oh that’ll not be good
Hanami: And our second battle will be Lialus Frunk, and Valt Aoi VS Free De La Hoya, and Rantaro Kiyama
Lialus: I’m teamed up with Valt good
Match Caller: Danny Flame and Aiger Akabane come up
Danny: Oh I gotta go bye
Paul and Lialus: Bye Danny!!!
Aiger’s thoughts: It’s Lain so I’m going to go in bound mode with the Limitless Sword mode
Ref: Ready, and set
Danny, Aiger, Paul, Lain: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Lain: Lucifer use Immortality Whip
Danny: Flame Whip
(Kitsune and Lucifer hit each other with hard hits)
Paul: Use Hydro Launch on Achilles!!!
Aiger: Limitless Attack!!!
(Achilles hit Posiden, but they both hit the wall and power up)
Aiger: ACHILLES!!!
Paul: POSIDEN!!!
(Both avatar’s appear)
(Posiden starts entering hyper resonance. Posiden activates Hyper Water-Resonance)
Paul: Hydro Whip
Aiger: Attack Achilles!!!
(Posiden gets ringed out)
Hanami: Posiden gets ringed out
Lain: LUCIFER!!!
(Lucifer’s avatar happens)
(Lucifer starts glowing purple and black. Lucifer activates Dark-Resonance)
Lain: Immortality Dive Crusher!!!
Danny: Flame Sword
Aiger: Limitless Breaker!!!
(All beys clash)
(All beys got ringed out, but they are still spinning and two of them still stopped, and Achilles kept spinning)
Ref: Limitless Achilles with a ring out finish Aiger and Danny wins
(The End)
Preview:
Lialus: I’m going to win with Valt
Lialus: But Free has a new move
Lialus Hope I can survive that attack
Danny: You will Lialus I’ll root fo you!!!
Lialus: Thanks
Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 7
Free’s New Attack
Danny: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
What do people think about this tournament?
RE: Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (Chracter Contest Soon and also accepting people) - Dragon Blader Z - May. 10, 2021
I'll post more chapters soon when i have time
RE: Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (Chracter Contest Soon and also accepting people) - reshiwum - May. 11, 2021
I really need to say something about this fic.
First of all, its's still in such an uncomfortable-to-read format and some (a lot, actually) stuffs are still off and confusing, like how all of a sudden Danny's sister appears, and how Danny and Ben got invited by the BC Sol despite they are already a part of the Raging Bulls (they are on Raging Bulls for such a really short time only. What?!). Some characters are also OOC (Out of character), like Free. I'm very sure Free isn't someone who'd go "ayo I would like to do tag battle with you", yes? Some also still seems lifeless; When you made a dialog with Hanami like you did in 3rd Chapter, it doesn't feel like he's doing the happy cheer he'd always do every time and the Hizashi twins aka Hikaru n Hyuga also felt emotionless.
Also, Danny wins everytime? NANI?! An OP Protag doesn't make a story good :/
RE: Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (Chracter Contest Soon and also accepting people) - Dragon Blader Z - May. 19, 2021
Ok don't judge me cause I'm trying my best on this
Also I can't make anymore chapters on this so can anyone else do it unless it is apart of the rules on here.
RE: Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (Chracter Contest Soon and also accepting people) - MasterofDerp - May. 19, 2021
(May. 05, 2021 11:31 AM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote:I’m sorry but I have to be blunt with this. You need more detail added into it. The episodes are incredibly short and there isn’t really enough detail to carry it imo. Try adding on some more details, such as emotions, how the beys attack each other, etc. Also there is little characterization in the story from what I can tell. Here’s what I have to say overall with a review:(May. 05, 2021 2:04 AM)SSJBDoku Wrote: DragonBladerZ, mate you have the same problem i used to have.
When your writing you get excited and you want to get to certain points quick but you need to slow down take your time what i mean is your story has potential but you need to slow down the plot Danny went from having a new bey to going to the Raging Bulls and WBO and we got little to no information on who Danny is that's all i have to say for now
Soon In my chapter I’ll be about Danny
Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 4
Us VS BC Sol
Danny and Paul: We won!!!
Hyuga: Awww man
Hikaru: How though!!!
Danny: You two have to get along and use a strategy
Hyuga and Hikaru: Ok
(Danny’s sister somehow comes to Danny and Paul)
Danny’s sister: Danny and your friend you’re going to BC Sol
Danny: First we went to the Raging Bulls, and now BC Sol
Paul: Amazing!!!
(Danny and Paul get on the plane and they get to Spain)
Danny: Wow this is Spain where BC Sol is
Paul: So cool!!!
Valt: Come with me to BC Sol
Danny and Paul: That’s Valt Aoi!!!
Valt: Yep
(Danny and Paul follow Valt to BC Sol)
Valt: You’re going to battle Rantaro, Sisco, and our new member Lialus
Paul: I’ll watch the battles
Danny: Ok
Rantaro: Battle me first
Danny: Ok
Danny and Rantaro: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Rantaro: Ragnaruk!!! Typhoon Tornado
Danny: Kitsune!!! Flame Tail
(After those attacks they get thrown into the air)
Danny and Rantaro: Survive!!!
(Both beys have survived)
Danny: Flame Launch
Rantaro: Free Typhoon Spin
(Ragnaruk gets ringed out)
Valt: Flame Kitsune with a ring out finish Danny wins
Danny: Wow
Sisco: Now you’re up against me pipsqueak
Danny: Don’t call me pipsqueak!!!
Kitsune: Danny focus on the battle don’t focus on Sisco
Danny: Ok I’ll focus on the battle
(Talk ended)
Danny and Sisco: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Sisco: Satan use Triple Twister
Danny: Flame Launch
(Kitsune is attacking Satan, but Satan is repelling the attacks)
Sisco: Ha you don’t know how to blade don’t you
Danny: Kitsune!!!
(Kitsune’s avatar happens)
(Kitsune is glowing gold and red. Kitsune activated Ultra Fire-Flux)
Danny: Flame Sword
Sisco: Roller Defense
(Satan bursts)
Valt: Flame Kitsune with a burst finish Danny wins
Danny: I won again!!!
Kitsune: Don’t get yourself carried away
Danny: Ok Kitsune
Valt: Now you’re going to battle our other member
Danny: Ok
Lialus: I’m a member here, and I want to battle you!!!
Lialus: Meet my bey Flip Larry
Danny’s thoughts: Flip Larry is a dual spinning balance type that has one blade and if you flip the layer it goes left so I gotta take the center
Valt: Ready, and set
Danny and Lialus: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!!!
Lialus: Take the center
Danny: Not on my watch
(Kitsune and Larry are attacking head on in the center)
Lialus: Larry use Flip One Blade Attack
Danny: Now Flame Defense
(Kitsune did not get attacked)
Lialus: That attack would normally make me win
Danny: This time not
(Kitsune hits the wall and goes up in the air)
Danny: Flame Dive!!!
Lialus: Flip Dive Defense
(Both beys burst)
Valt: Simultaneious Burst Finish Draw
Danny and Lialus: WHAT!!!
(The End)
Preview:
Danny: We’re going up against Free and Valt
Danny: And I’m teamed up with Lialus
Lialus: Hope we win
Danny: Next time on Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle
Chapter: 5
The High School Prodigy and Wonder-Boy VS Danny and Lialus
So USN what do think of chapter 4 with your character in it
Characterization: 1/5. Little to no characterization at all. This reminds me of a beyblade rp in which the two people constantly one line, leading to fail rp. You definitely should add in some more detail to the story in order to express the characters a bit more.
Grammar: 2.5/5. There are problems, but the spelling of words is fine. The lack of periods and commas really drags this category down, though.
Story: 0/5. Sorry, but I gotta tear into this one. Even if it is Rantaro, beating a Legendary blader in episode four without immense help or an excellent strategy isn’t a good idea imo. It’s especially troubling they beat Hyuga and Hikaru in episode 3. Unless they are established bladers such as Bell who use strategy to win, I believe that it would have definitively been better overall to have made them get oneshotted. Hikaru and Hyuga aren’t slouches, and even as the weakest Legendary Blader, Rantaro is still incredibly strong. There’s also a lack of overall cohesion in the story. It’s definitely the lack of detail that harms it the most tho.
Dialogue: 0.5/5: This is a category that really gets harmed by the little detail added into the story. The dialogue is basically “Character: (Random 1-5 words)”, and definitely needs to be improved in the future.
Beybattles: 0/5. Definitely the story’s biggest problem that stems from the lack of detail. Going forwards, definitely try adding in some more detail overall for future chapters.
Overall: 4/25. The main problems definitely stem from the lack of detail, so for the future, definitely go for more detail. Quality over quantity. It may take longer(Trust me, I have experience with that), but its worth it in the end. I’ll look forward to seeing how it improves overtime.
RE: Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (Chracter Contest Soon and also accepting people) - Dragon Blader Z - May. 29, 2021
ok thanks for the advice i'll make it better when I have time to post a chapter
RE: Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (Chracter Contest Soon and also accepting people) - Dragon Blader Z - Jul. 09, 2021
im going to end this fanfic cause i want to make a other one
Teaser: Meet Raion, the Void King (protagionist) and he's challenging you to a battle and along with other people
Raion doesn't have a pure heart and he's willing to change the world of beyblade, but another realm is trying to stop him
Will Raion change the world of beyblade or the other realm will dominate the Void Realm
Find out on Beyblade Burst: Realm
RE: Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (Chracter Contest Soon and also accepting people) - UnseenBurst - Jul. 09, 2021
(Jul. 09, 2021 7:15 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: im going to end this fanfic cause i want to make a other one
Teaser: Meet Raion, the Void King (protagionist) and he's challenging you to a battle and along with other people
Raion doesn't have a pure heart and he's willing to change the world of beyblade, but another realm is trying to stop him
Will Raion change the world of beyblade or the other realm will dominate the Void Realm
Find out on Beyblade Burst: Realm
Isn't there already a Beyblade burst Realm?
RE: Beyblade Burst: Sparking Battle (Chracter Contest Soon and also accepting people) - Dragon Blader Z - Jul. 09, 2021
(Jul. 09, 2021 7:20 PM)UnseenBurst Wrote:(Jul. 09, 2021 7:15 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: im going to end this fanfic cause i want to make a other one
Teaser: Meet Raion, the Void King (protagionist) and he's challenging you to a battle and along with other people
Raion doesn't have a pure heart and he's willing to change the world of beyblade, but another realm is trying to stop him
Will Raion change the world of beyblade or the other realm will dominate the Void Realm
Find out on Beyblade Burst: Realm
Isn't there already a Beyblade burst Realm?
1. idk
2. I made a thread of it