RE: {Beystory}Nameless Story: Post suggestions! - Clefairy - Oct. 25, 2011
(Oct. 25, 2011 2:08 AM)Izuma Inzori Wrote: crystalmw2noob's explanation is actually incorrect, he made a run-on sentence with comma errors, my weakness is in using commas so ask the others (Sparta, Temporal, etc.)
Yeah Ik
RE: {Beystory}Nameless Story: Post suggestions! - Sparta - Oct. 25, 2011
(Oct. 25, 2011 2:08 AM)Izuma Inzori Wrote: (Sparta, Temporal, etc.) Izuma Inzori tagged you in a post
Press "OK" to reply.
Sorry, enough facebook.
Chapter 4 preview-EDITED.
“M-M-Mom?†I asked, shaking and confused. I started to look around, the little boy bawling his eyes out, crying. Right next to him was his dad, blood all around him. I saw something that caught my eye, a beyblade.
Burn Striker ED145WD. Still spinning. My fists clenched.
“Mom how could you? What did he ever do to you?†I screamed, tears coming down my cheeks. My mom took one step closer to me, and I took one step back. No, this couldn't be. She looked straight into my eyes, two pearls boring into my skull.
“I’m sorry," She started, shaking her head, "This is my..â€
My face hardened, "My what?†I was torn between my loyalty to her and what had just happened. It was too unreal.
“My job" She finished, "Look...I’m sorry, dear†And with that, she walked over to the man, scooped up her beyblade, and disappeared into a beam of smoke. Fixed it up a bit. Some spelling and grammar errors.
I'm tired, and definitely not my best work. It should suffice though (Too choppy for my standard...yuk...)
RE: {Beystory}Nameless Story: Post suggestions! - Clefairy - Oct. 25, 2011
(Oct. 25, 2011 2:49 AM)Sparta Wrote: (Oct. 25, 2011 2:08 AM)Izuma Inzori Wrote: (Sparta, Temporal, etc.) Izuma Inzori tagged you in a post
Press "OK" to reply.
Sorry, enough facebook.
Chapter 4 preview-EDITED.
“M-M-Mom?†I asked, shaking and confused. I started to look around, the little boy bawling his eyes out, crying. Right next to him was his dad, blood all around him. I saw something that caught my eye, a beyblade.
Burn Striker ED145WD. Still spinning. My fists clenched.
“Mom how could you? What did he ever do to you?†I screamed, tears coming down my cheeks. My mom took one step closer to me, and I took one step back. No, this couldn't be. She looked straight into my eyes, two pearls boring into my skull.
“I’m sorry," She started, shaking her head, "This is my..â€
My face hardened, "My what?†I was torn between my loyalty to her and what had just happened. It was too unreal.
“My job" She finished, "Look...I’m sorry, dear†And with that, she walked over to the man, scooped up her beyblade, and disappeared into a beam of smoke. Fixed it up a bit. Some spelling and grammar errors.
I'm tired, and definitely not my best work. It should suffice though (Too choppy for my standard...yuk...)
Thanks. I'm desperate of learning more vocabulary words now.
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness - Clefairy - Oct. 27, 2011
A new story title: Outraging Darkness.
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness - Kujikato - Oct. 27, 2011
Sounds really catchy, keep it up just fix what we mentioned earlier
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness - Clefairy - Oct. 27, 2011
(Oct. 27, 2011 1:48 AM)Izuma Inzori Wrote: Sounds really catchy, keep it up just fix what we mentioned earlier
I was about to do Devouring Darkness and got stuck with Outraging Darkness. Forgot about that.
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness - Clefairy - Oct. 27, 2011
Chapter 4 is out!!!
“M-M-Mom?†I asked, shaking and confused. I started to look around, the little boy bawling his eyes out, crying. Right next to him was his dad, blood all around him. I saw something that caught my eye, a beyblade.
Burn Striker ED145WD. Still spinning. My fists clenched.
“Mom how could you? What did he ever do to you?†I screamed, tears coming down my cheeks. My mom took one step closer to me, and I took one step back. No, this couldn't be. She looked straight into my eyes, two pearls boring into my skull.
“I’m sorry," She started, shaking her head, "This is my..â€
My face hardened, "My what?†I was torn between my loyalty to her and what had just happened. It was too unreal.
“My job" She finished, "Look...I’m sorry, dear†And with that, she walked over to the man, scooped up her beyblade, and disappeared into a beam of smoke.
I asked the little boy, “Are you okay?â€
He nodded.
“Come on I’ll call for helpâ€, I said pulling out my phone. I dialed 9-1-1. I talked to this lady, gave her the address or where we are, and waited for the ambulance truck. As they arrived on the scene, they asked two questions like “Did you see it happen? Do you know what caused him to die?â€
I answered both questions,â€No I didn’t see it happen, but his son did. Yes I do know what caused him to die. It was a beyblade.
A few hours later the little boy came out of the hospital. He walked to me.
“I asked, “Is he okay?â€
He replied,†Yes he is, but he needs to stay in the hospital for about a few days.
I asked him,†Where do you live, and what is your name?â€
He said,†I live right around the corner, and my name is John. I’m 5 years old.â€
I took John by the hand and led him home to his mom. He rang the doorbell. The door opened, his mom was looking at him and then to me.
“Hi how are you?â€, John’s mom said.
“Hi I’m doing good and I took your son back here from the hospital. It’s a long story.â€,I replied
“Well it’s getting late for me and I should get home.†, I said shocked with the time.
I then left the house and started thinking about where I should stay. I called my dad earlier about my mom. So I think they started packing to leave somewhere. I told my dad that I am not living with them anymore. I am just going to stay at Megan’s house until something good happens. I arrived at Megan’s house, and rang the doorbell. The door opened with Megan holding a bowl of cereal and milk.
“Jennifer?â€, she asked.
I replied, “Yeah it’s me.â€
“What are you doing here?â€
“It’s a long story. I’m wondering about staying at your house for the next few months, or like forever.â€
“Well come inâ€. I walked into the big living room with the fireplace on the right, a fan in the middle, and a set of beyblades sitting in the corner. I went to look for her parents, and found them sitting eating a bowl of popcorn, and there eyes on the TV.
“Hiâ€,I said.
“Oh hello dearâ€, they replied.
“Mrs. Pat and Mr. Pat I’m wondering of I can stay here for a while?â€
“Sure dear.â€
“Okay thanks!†I followed Megan to her room, and when I got there I took at my homework. I started doing it, and it turns out it was quite easy. I finished my homework 25 minutes later. Then, I decided to tell her the story about my mom, and I told her to promise not to tell anyone. She then told me a secret.
“Jennifer promise not to tell anyoneâ€, she told me, looking me into the eye.
“I promiseâ€, I said, looking straight into her eye.
“Okay well I-I-I am not normal. My parents and I came from a different planet that provides life. We went to Earth because there was one family that wanted to trade me for their daughter. They bothered our family every single day. We got to Earth in a portal. We also speak a different language. My parents and I got the hang of the language: English. We got news from the other planet one day that the family is on Earth right now. They are trying to find my family.â€
“Wowâ€, I said.
She said, “I’m not very good with beyblades. Then, I found you. You are a strong blader. So are the family. By the way, the planet is called Degunda. The language is called Culfyne. I need you to train me. Will you help?â€
“Sure I’ll help!â€, I exclaimed.
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness - Kujikato - Oct. 27, 2011
iffy, but good, mainly dialogue but still good, try to give more description next time
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness - Clefairy - Oct. 30, 2011
BUMPP!! Working on Chapter 5 for all those who are reading this
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness - Ga' - Oct. 30, 2011
Wait, what happened to Chapter 5?
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness - Clefairy - Oct. 30, 2011
(Oct. 30, 2011 1:38 AM)GaHooleone Wrote: Wait, what happened to Chapter 5?
OOPS..sorry i mean Chapter5 i'll edit it
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness - Clefairy - Nov. 06, 2011
Chapter 5 Part 1 is out today!
Chapter 5 Part 1
“But you have to teach me the Culfyne language†,I said.
“Oh fine. But it might be really weirdâ€, Megan said back.
Megan added,â€Here is the word:I in the Culfyne language. Say “Epgcaâ€.
“Epga?â€
“No. Say it again.â€
“It againâ€,I said laughing. She shot me an angry face.
“Okay fine.â€, I said. “Epgca?â€
“Yes. Good job!â€, Megan said.
Thirty minutes later, I learned 2 sentences in the Culfyne language. It was “I want to battle you†and “3, 2, 1, Let It Rip!â€. Here let me say it in the Culfyne language. Here was “I want to battle youâ€: Epgca zcofep zacoe fudwa crazfar. Here was “3, 2, 1, Let It Ripâ€:Blanyci uwcoe ihicarx giotkmfe. It seemed really hard at first, but then I got the hang of it. Megan and I slept at 11:00. We woke up at 7:00 to get ready for school.
“This is going to be a boring school day. Wanna ditch?â€, Megan said.
“But what about your parents?â€,I asked.
“They are not home.â€
“Well okay then.â€
We then left the house, and began to think of where to go.
“Wanna go to Target to check on some new beyblades. Then we can customize your L-Drago and Rock Wolf 105WD. We walked and walked until we got to Target. Megan and I looked at each other and nodded. We walked through the sliding doors. The beyblade area was around the sliding doors.
“So many good beybladesâ€, I said to Megan as I was looking at the beyblades. There were Twisted Tempo, Rock Zurafa, Rock Aries, and Thermal Pisces.
“Well Twisted Tempo is heavy so it can knock the opponent back. Rock Zurafa can absorb hits with its spin track and has a nice fusion wheel and performance tip. Rock Aries has a spin track that can block the opponent’s attack. Last but not least, Thermal Pisces. He has great stamina. Which one should I pick Megan?†I said pulling a wad of money out of my jeans.
“I would say Rock Zurafa because the performance tip is like Leone’s and the spin track is pretty neat.†Megan said back at me.
“Well okay then.â€, I said picking Rock Zurafa off the shelf. I bought Rock Zurafa and opened it on the way back. I threw the package away in a bin nearby. Megan and I examined it. But then, we bumped into a strong family.
“Oh no.â€, Megan said.
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness - KainYuuki - Nov. 06, 2011
you need to improve on punctuation and grammar, like when you said:“Come on guys†, let’s go before we are going to be late for class, it should have been:“Come on guys, let’s go, we are going to be late for class." spelling seems fine so far though.
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness - Clefairy - Nov. 06, 2011
Okay thanks
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness [Fake Language HERE!] - blader9222 - Nov. 20, 2011
when is chapter 5 part 2 coming
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness [Fake Language HERE!] - Clefairy - Nov. 20, 2011
I hope soon.. I'll probably post it tomorrow or Monday.
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness [Fake Language HERE!] - DeltaFate - Nov. 22, 2011
When is part two coming. I have read your story a few times. There may be some grammar problems but overall its good.
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness [Fake Language HERE!] - Clefairy - Nov. 22, 2011
I'm at skit practice. But I'll make sure to finish Part 2 today.
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness [Fake Language HERE!] - Clefairy - Nov. 22, 2011
I got a delay at skit practice. I was there for about 4 hours. But I managed to finish Part 2 Today.
Chapter 5 Part 2
“What’s wrong Megan?â€,I asked all confused.
“It’s the family that bothered us. They are called the Burusâ€,Megan said pulling me the arm. “Now run Jenniferâ€.
I started to run after Megan. We ran around twists and turns. I took out my phone to call Nicolette. I dialed 9-0-9, 1-4-4, 6-1-3-4. I waited for her to pick up her phone and she finally did.
“Hello?â€, came the voice of Nicolette on the other line.
“Nicolette?â€, I asked. “We need your help where are you at?â€
“I’m at home. Where are you?â€
“We were at Target to buy some beyblades. Then we bumped into a-forget it. It’s a long story.â€
“But where are you at?â€
“We are in front of your houseâ€, I replied, turning off my iPhone.
“Where are they? Where did Megan and Jennifer go?â€, came a voice from the Holts. Megan and I were hiding behind the columns in front of Nicolette’s house. The door then opened behind us and scared us.
“What happened to you two?
“Like I said on the phone, we were at Target buying beyblades. I bought Rock Zurafa. When we left we bumped into a family. They were big, buffy, and angry.â€
“Hmmm, sounds like a family I know.â€, Nicolette said. “Are they called the Burus?â€
“Yes, how do you know?â€, I asked.
“They once killed my mother and father. Now I only have a little brother. I defeated them once, but never did again. It’s almost as they got stronger every battle.â€, Nicolette replied.
“Awww, that’s terrible. I’ll help you defeat them too for what they did to your parents.â€, I supported.
“Thank you, Jennifer.â€, Nicolette said. “But wait, I defeated them once by the help of this bey. But I can’t defeat them anymore. Here take this Jennifer. Finish this once and for all.â€
“Thanks Nicolette. Oh my god, it’s a Twisted Libra GB145 CS!â€,I exclaimed. “I might use this for the tournament.â€
“I hope you do.â€, Nicolette said. “And here’s a beyblade for you Megan.â€
“Really? Whoa, it can’t be. It’s a Thermal Striker 145 WD!â€, Megan said.
“Let’s battle, Megan.â€, I said.
Enjoy!
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness (Part 2 just came out!) - Clefairy - Feb. 19, 2012
You guys wanted part 2 and I gave you part 2 but no comments on it?
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness (Part 2 just came out!) - DARK WOLF WBBA - Feb. 22, 2012
I love Your story, SO MUCH SUSPENCE! Anyway, part 2 is amazing and I really like it. Keep writing, and I will want for part three!
RE: {Beystory}Outraging Darkness (Part 2 just came out!) - Clefairy - Feb. 24, 2012
Thank you!
|