(Mar. 11, 2020  9:55 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: Ouch. No one has responded to this. How do I improve this?

(Mar. 11, 2020  9:57 PM)#Fafnir Wrote:

(Mar. 11, 2020  9:55 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: Ouch. No one has responded to this. How do I improve this?

I just saw it. It's great!

(Mar. 11, 2020  9:58 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote:

(Mar. 11, 2020  9:57 PM)#Fafnir Wrote: I just saw it. It's great!

Thanks! Any feedback?

(Mar. 11, 2020  9:59 PM)#Fafnir Wrote:

(Mar. 11, 2020  9:58 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: Thanks! Any feedback?

It's great. 5 Star rating. Wouldn't change a thing.

(Mar. 11, 2020  9:55 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: Ouch. No one has responded to this. How do I improve this?

(Mar. 11, 2020  10:18 PM)BuilderROB Wrote:

(Mar. 11, 2020  9:55 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: Ouch. No one has responded to this. How do I improve this?

This is quite the oddity of stories, and I’m not quite clear what it’s about. Like what’s the story goal here?

(Apr. 10, 2020  9:10 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: What do y’all think of my edited version of Chapter One? Please tell me if somethings don’t really make sense so that I can edit it!

Chapter One Edited Edition (Click to View)

                                                   
At ten thirty seven PM two young children were playing Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.
“STOP SPAMMING PK FIRE ON MY LUCAS!” Yelled the girl-who was eleven years old, and was four foot ten-who went by Reagan.
“THEN STOP SPAMMING PK THUNDER ON MY NESS!” The boy-who was eleven years old, who was also four foot eleven and named Roan-shot back. 
    “Well it’s not my fault you picked a bad fighter!”
    “I picked random, you duck!”
    “It takes one to know one,” Reagan said, calming her voice.
    “Yep,” Roan replied, also calming his voice. “Let’s just get this round over with.”
    “Agreed.”
    Roan and Reagan went back and forth scoring knockouts on each other until they both had high damage and one stock left. Then Roan’s fighter, Ness, hit with an upwards attack and started volleying Lucas, who was Reagan’s fighter.
    Reagan sighed. “Fine. Just get it over with.”
    Reagan moved her character right in front of Roan’s so that his character could hit her’s. Roan charged an attack and buffeted Lucas right off the stage.
    Lucas flew up and smacked into the screen, breaking the fourth wall. Normally, when the fourth wall got broken nothing really happened except for a KO. But this time, something strange resulted. A man was lying down on Roan’s carpet.
    Reagan cursed in horror while Roan grabbed weapons from the kitchen, a spatula and a knife sharpener.
    “Why didn’t you grab a knife!?” Reagan hissed.
    “We’re trying to defend ourselves, not kill him!” Roan explained.
    The man stood up. He was at least five foot eight and had ginger hair with a pompadour haircut. 
    “Are you Lucas?” Reagan asked.
    “Who?” The man asked.
    “Well when Lucas hit the screen, you appeared.”
“It may be something different. Where am I?”
    “My house,” Roan said sheepishly.
    “And where is that?” The mysterious man asked.
    ”7352 Oak Lane,” Roan responded.
    “Which dang state is it? What city?” The man said more aggressively. 
    “Virginia. Falls Church.”
    “That’s something to tell President Reagan.”
    “Excuse me, mister,” Reagan chimed, “the current President is Donald Trump, not Mr. Reagan.”
    “Well he-oh no. Diamond actually went through with his plan.”
“Excuse me? Who are you? Who are you talking about?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. My name is Rick Astley,” Rick Astley said, “but you can call me Rick.”
Roan’s face lit up in excitement. “You’re the Rick Astley? The one who made the ultimate meme song?”
Rick was obviously confused. “What is this meme song you speak of?”
“He means the song you made, ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’,” Reagan said, obviously annoyed.
“Ahh, yes. I’m very proud of that song.” Rick said, smiling off into the distance.
Rick started humming the instrumental beginning to his song. “Are you ready to start the song?”
Roan grinned ear to ear. “Absolutely-”
“Not!” Said Reagan cutting Roan off. “Rick, just tell us what's going on. Then, we’ll both be on our way.”
“Looks like someone doesn’t appreciate the art of music,” Roan said.
“Looks like someone forgot that I still have a knife sharpener,” Reagan threatened. “Now, get on with the story, Rick.”
Rick sighed. “It’s gonna be a long story. Are you sure?”
“No, but I make bad life decisions. So hurry up before I change my mind.” 
“Alright. Fine. Here I go.” Rick said, preparing himself for the endless story about to come out of him.
“Thirty seven days ago, my friend-who was also my employee-was tired of being powerless against everything. His job, his house, his marriage, everything. Some of his closest friends felt the same way too when he told them how he was feeling,” Rick said grimly. “They started by going on strike. No one cared. Then they started ‘working’ again,” Rick said, his face growing with sorrow. “Three weeks later, they finished a device that they claimed could destroy us all,” Rick took a breath. “So, I fired them all for the sake of my work.”
“And then they did whatever they did?” Roan asked in genuine curiosity. 
“Not quite yet. My celebrity friends and I all confronted them, only to see them with an entirely different form. Except they changed both their names and appearance. One of them was wearing a red uniform and was called Ruby, the one who had a blue outfit was named Sapphire, and the second to final one that we know of was wearing a green outfit named Emerald. And of course there was the final person. The one who started all of this. Diamond. He got much more insane and was wearing a white outfit,” Rick’s heart sank as if he was reliving it all. “We all surrounded them. We were sure to win. Then, Emerald opened some sort of portal and yanked out the device. We all charged at them but they all activated the device together somehow and one by one we started vanishing and disappearing into different places and timelines.”
“And now you’re here,” Reagan added.
“Yep.”
“Well, that told us a lot Rick, but you’re right. It was a long story. And now we have five minutes before we have to go to bed and you’re not supposed to be here,” Reagan worriedly said. “So what are we gonna do?”    
“We can now make our way to Diamond’s base and defeat them,” Rick suggested.
“I meant when Roan’s mom comes out of her room to make sure we go to bed. Duh.”
“We’ll just have to go now. Duh,” Rick said mockingly.
“Uhh… Roan, won’t your mom notice that we’re missing?”
“She likes beer, remember? She’s probably drunk right now,” Roan said. “I’ll go check with her right now.”
Roan checked on his mom and asked her a question. “What’s two plus two?”
Mrs. Jamieson looked at Roan. “TwEnTy SeVeNteEeN.”
Roan walked back to the others. “Yep. She’s drunk alright.” 
“Good. So can we go now?” Rick asked.
Reagan nodded very quickly and somewhat violently making her long red hair whip herself. 
Roan sighed. “What’ll happen when my mom comes out of her room perfectly fine and not drunk, and sees that we’re missing?”
“Would you rather have no future, or be grounded for like a year?” Reagan asked.
“Neither,” Roan said. “
“Please?” Begged Reagan and Rick.
Roan thought about his options. “Fine. But on one condition.” Roan said.
“What is it?”
“We have to scream ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ on the way there.” Roan said, knowing that Reagan would start complaining and whining and eventually say no.
“Fine by me.” Rick said.
Reagan sighed. “Fine. For the greater good. But I’m bringing an iPod and headphones, and you can’t stop me.”
Roan smiled while walking towards the door and opening it. “We’ll just have to sing extra loud.”
The three of them walked out the door. 
“We should probably pack.”
“Yep.”
Roan and Reagan went inside, packed, and went outside to start their journey.
“Are you all ready?” Rick asked.
“Nope,” Both Roan and Reagan said in perfect harmony.
“Then why are you coming?”
“Because, we make bad life decisions,” Reagan said.
“And we’re proud of it,” Roan said.
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Rick said, opening the door. “Once you step outside, you have to promise that you won’t turn back.”
“That’s a little much don’t you think?” Reagan said, obviously concerned by Rick’s strange request.
“You have to swear.”
“Oh I’ll swear.”
Rick gave Reagan the stink eye. “I mean it. Both of you.”
Roan nodded. “I promise.”
Reagan sighed. “Fine. If he goes, I go.”
“Then let’s go.”
“Wait. Where’s Diamond’s base?” Roan investigated.
“Somewhere in Rhode Island.”
“Rhode Island!? That’s like six hours away if you drive! Never mind walk!” Roan complained. “But you know what, I’ll do it. If it means the world won’t end.”
“Glad to hear it. Now let’s get moving. We’ve got a long week ahead of us.”
The threesome walked along the sidewalk in the darkness of the night oblivious of the dangerous path that lay ahead of them.

(Apr. 10, 2020  9:36 PM)GreenK9148 Wrote:

(Apr. 10, 2020  9:10 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: What do y’all think of my edited version of Chapter One? Please tell me if somethings don’t really make sense so that I can edit it!

Chapter One Edited Edition (Click to View)

                                                   
At ten thirty seven PM two young children were playing Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.
“STOP SPAMMING PK FIRE ON MY LUCAS!” Yelled the girl-who was eleven years old, and was four foot ten-who went by Reagan.
“THEN STOP SPAMMING PK THUNDER ON MY NESS!” The boy-who was eleven years old, who was also four foot eleven and named Roan-shot back. 
    “Well it’s not my fault you picked a bad fighter!”
    “I picked random, you duck!”
    “It takes one to know one,” Reagan said, calming her voice.
    “Yep,” Roan replied, also calming his voice. “Let’s just get this round over with.”
    “Agreed.”
    Roan and Reagan went back and forth scoring knockouts on each other until they both had high damage and one stock left. Then Roan’s fighter, Ness, hit with an upwards attack and started volleying Lucas, who was Reagan’s fighter.
    Reagan sighed. “Fine. Just get it over with.”
    Reagan moved her character right in front of Roan’s so that his character could hit her’s. Roan charged an attack and buffeted Lucas right off the stage.
    Lucas flew up and smacked into the screen, breaking the fourth wall. Normally, when the fourth wall got broken nothing really happened except for a KO. But this time, something strange resulted. A man was lying down on Roan’s carpet.
    Reagan cursed in horror while Roan grabbed weapons from the kitchen, a spatula and a knife sharpener.
    “Why didn’t you grab a knife!?” Reagan hissed.
    “We’re trying to defend ourselves, not kill him!” Roan explained.
    The man stood up. He was at least five foot eight and had ginger hair with a pompadour haircut. 
    “Are you Lucas?” Reagan asked.
    “Who?” The man asked.
    “Well when Lucas hit the screen, you appeared.”
“It may be something different. Where am I?”
    “My house,” Roan said sheepishly.
    “And where is that?” The mysterious man asked.
    ”7352 Oak Lane,” Roan responded.
    “Which dang state is it? What city?” The man said more aggressively. 
    “Virginia. Falls Church.”
    “That’s something to tell President Reagan.”
    “Excuse me, mister,” Reagan chimed, “the current President is Donald Trump, not Mr. Reagan.”
    “Well he-oh no. Diamond actually went through with his plan.”
“Excuse me? Who are you? Who are you talking about?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. My name is Rick Astley,” Rick Astley said, “but you can call me Rick.”
Roan’s face lit up in excitement. “You’re the Rick Astley? The one who made the ultimate meme song?”
Rick was obviously confused. “What is this meme song you speak of?”
“He means the song you made, ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’,” Reagan said, obviously annoyed.
“Ahh, yes. I’m very proud of that song.” Rick said, smiling off into the distance.
Rick started humming the instrumental beginning to his song. “Are you ready to start the song?”
Roan grinned ear to ear. “Absolutely-”
“Not!” Said Reagan cutting Roan off. “Rick, just tell us what's going on. Then, we’ll both be on our way.”
“Looks like someone doesn’t appreciate the art of music,” Roan said.
“Looks like someone forgot that I still have a knife sharpener,” Reagan threatened. “Now, get on with the story, Rick.”
Rick sighed. “It’s gonna be a long story. Are you sure?”
“No, but I make bad life decisions. So hurry up before I change my mind.” 
“Alright. Fine. Here I go.” Rick said, preparing himself for the endless story about to come out of him.
“Thirty seven days ago, my friend-who was also my employee-was tired of being powerless against everything. His job, his house, his marriage, everything. Some of his closest friends felt the same way too when he told them how he was feeling,” Rick said grimly. “They started by going on strike. No one cared. Then they started ‘working’ again,” Rick said, his face growing with sorrow. “Three weeks later, they finished a device that they claimed could destroy us all,” Rick took a breath. “So, I fired them all for the sake of my work.”
“And then they did whatever they did?” Roan asked in genuine curiosity. 
“Not quite yet. My celebrity friends and I all confronted them, only to see them with an entirely different form. Except they changed both their names and appearance. One of them was wearing a red uniform and was called Ruby, the one who had a blue outfit was named Sapphire, and the second to final one that we know of was wearing a green outfit named Emerald. And of course there was the final person. The one who started all of this. Diamond. He got much more insane and was wearing a white outfit,” Rick’s heart sank as if he was reliving it all. “We all surrounded them. We were sure to win. Then, Emerald opened some sort of portal and yanked out the device. We all charged at them but they all activated the device together somehow and one by one we started vanishing and disappearing into different places and timelines.”
“And now you’re here,” Reagan added.
“Yep.”
“Well, that told us a lot Rick, but you’re right. It was a long story. And now we have five minutes before we have to go to bed and you’re not supposed to be here,” Reagan worriedly said. “So what are we gonna do?”    
“We can now make our way to Diamond’s base and defeat them,” Rick suggested.
“I meant when Roan’s mom comes out of her room to make sure we go to bed. Duh.”
“We’ll just have to go now. Duh,” Rick said mockingly.
“Uhh… Roan, won’t your mom notice that we’re missing?”
“She likes beer, remember? She’s probably drunk right now,” Roan said. “I’ll go check with her right now.”
Roan checked on his mom and asked her a question. “What’s two plus two?”
Mrs. Jamieson looked at Roan. “TwEnTy SeVeNteEeN.”
Roan walked back to the others. “Yep. She’s drunk alright.” 
“Good. So can we go now?” Rick asked.
Reagan nodded very quickly and somewhat violently making her long red hair whip herself. 
Roan sighed. “What’ll happen when my mom comes out of her room perfectly fine and not drunk, and sees that we’re missing?”
“Would you rather have no future, or be grounded for like a year?” Reagan asked.
“Neither,” Roan said. “
“Please?” Begged Reagan and Rick.
Roan thought about his options. “Fine. But on one condition.” Roan said.
“What is it?”
“We have to scream ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ on the way there.” Roan said, knowing that Reagan would start complaining and whining and eventually say no.
“Fine by me.” Rick said.
Reagan sighed. “Fine. For the greater good. But I’m bringing an iPod and headphones, and you can’t stop me.”
Roan smiled while walking towards the door and opening it. “We’ll just have to sing extra loud.”
The three of them walked out the door. 
“We should probably pack.”
“Yep.”
Roan and Reagan went inside, packed, and went outside to start their journey.
“Are you all ready?” Rick asked.
“Nope,” Both Roan and Reagan said in perfect harmony.
“Then why are you coming?”
“Because, we make bad life decisions,” Reagan said.
“And we’re proud of it,” Roan said.
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Rick said, opening the door. “Once you step outside, you have to promise that you won’t turn back.”
“That’s a little much don’t you think?” Reagan said, obviously concerned by Rick’s strange request.
“You have to swear.”
“Oh I’ll swear.”
Rick gave Reagan the stink eye. “I mean it. Both of you.”
Roan nodded. “I promise.”
Reagan sighed. “Fine. If he goes, I go.”
“Then let’s go.”
“Wait. Where’s Diamond’s base?” Roan investigated.
“Somewhere in Rhode Island.”
“Rhode Island!? That’s like six hours away if you drive! Never mind walk!” Roan complained. “But you know what, I’ll do it. If it means the world won’t end.”
“Glad to hear it. Now let’s get moving. We’ve got a long week ahead of us.”
The threesome walked along the sidewalk in the darkness of the night oblivious of the dangerous path that lay ahead of them.

This is kind of confusing. It’s like smashing a bunch of random information in my face. But, in one chapter. So, maybe end the chapter when Rick comes out of the TV? (To make a cliffhanger)

(Apr. 10, 2020  9:37 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: That would be super short. What would I fill in the chapter with?

(Apr. 10, 2020  9:39 PM)GreenK9148 Wrote:

(Apr. 10, 2020  9:37 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: That would be super short. What would I fill in the chapter with?

that’s just what I suggested. Maybe instead of chapter 1, it could be a prologue.

(Apr. 10, 2020  9:10 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: What do y’all think of my edited version of Chapter One? Please tell me if somethings don’t really make sense so that I can edit it!

Chapter One Edited Edition (Click to View)

                                                   
At ten thirty seven PM two young children were playing Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.
“STOP SPAMMING PK FIRE ON MY LUCAS!” Yelled the girl-who was eleven years old, and was four foot ten-who went by Reagan.
“THEN STOP SPAMMING PK THUNDER ON MY NESS!” The boy-who was eleven years old, who was also four foot eleven and named Roan-shot back. 
    “Well it’s not my fault you picked a bad fighter!”
    “I picked random, you duck!”
    “It takes one to know one,” Reagan said, calming her voice.
    “Yep,” Roan replied, also calming his voice. “Let’s just get this round over with.”
    “Agreed.”
    Roan and Reagan went back and forth scoring knockouts on each other until they both had high damage and one stock left. Then Roan’s fighter, Ness, hit with an upwards attack and started volleying Lucas, who was Reagan’s fighter.
    Reagan sighed. “Fine. Just get it over with.”
    Reagan moved her character right in front of Roan’s so that his character could hit her’s. Roan charged an attack and buffeted Lucas right off the stage.
    Lucas flew up and smacked into the screen, breaking the fourth wall. Normally, when the fourth wall got broken nothing really happened except for a KO. But this time, something strange resulted. A man was lying down on Roan’s carpet.
    Reagan cursed in horror while Roan grabbed weapons from the kitchen, a spatula and a knife sharpener.
    “Why didn’t you grab a knife!?” Reagan hissed.
    “We’re trying to defend ourselves, not kill him!” Roan explained.
    The man stood up. He was at least five foot eight and had ginger hair with a pompadour haircut. 
    “Are you Lucas?” Reagan asked.
    “Who?” The man asked.
    “Well when Lucas hit the screen, you appeared.”
“It may be something different. Where am I?”
    “My house,” Roan said sheepishly.
    “And where is that?” The mysterious man asked.
    ”7352 Oak Lane,” Roan responded.
    “Which dang state is it? What city?” The man said more aggressively. 
    “Virginia. Falls Church.”
    “That’s something to tell President Reagan.”
    “Excuse me, mister,” Reagan chimed, “the current President is Donald Trump, not Mr. Reagan.”
    “Well he-oh no. Diamond actually went through with his plan.”
“Excuse me? Who are you? Who are you talking about?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. My name is Rick Astley,” Rick Astley said, “but you can call me Rick.”
Roan’s face lit up in excitement. “You’re the Rick Astley? The one who made the ultimate meme song?”
Rick was obviously confused. “What is this meme song you speak of?”
“He means the song you made, ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’,” Reagan said, obviously annoyed.
“Ahh, yes. I’m very proud of that song.” Rick said, smiling off into the distance.
Rick started humming the instrumental beginning to his song. “Are you ready to start the song?”
Roan grinned ear to ear. “Absolutely-”
“Not!” Said Reagan cutting Roan off. “Rick, just tell us what's going on. Then, we’ll both be on our way.”
“Looks like someone doesn’t appreciate the art of music,” Roan said.
“Looks like someone forgot that I still have a knife sharpener,” Reagan threatened. “Now, get on with the story, Rick.”
Rick sighed. “It’s gonna be a long story. Are you sure?”
“No, but I make bad life decisions. So hurry up before I change my mind.” 
“Alright. Fine. Here I go.” Rick said, preparing himself for the endless story about to come out of him.
“Thirty seven days ago, my friend-who was also my employee-was tired of being powerless against everything. His job, his house, his marriage, everything. Some of his closest friends felt the same way too when he told them how he was feeling,” Rick said grimly. “They started by going on strike. No one cared. Then they started ‘working’ again,” Rick said, his face growing with sorrow. “Three weeks later, they finished a device that they claimed could destroy us all,” Rick took a breath. “So, I fired them all for the sake of my work.”
“And then they did whatever they did?” Roan asked in genuine curiosity. 
“Not quite yet. My celebrity friends and I all confronted them, only to see them with an entirely different form. Except they changed both their names and appearance. One of them was wearing a red uniform and was called Ruby, the one who had a blue outfit was named Sapphire, and the second to final one that we know of was wearing a green outfit named Emerald. And of course there was the final person. The one who started all of this. Diamond. He got much more insane and was wearing a white outfit,” Rick’s heart sank as if he was reliving it all. “We all surrounded them. We were sure to win. Then, Emerald opened some sort of portal and yanked out the device. We all charged at them but they all activated the device together somehow and one by one we started vanishing and disappearing into different places and timelines.”
“And now you’re here,” Reagan added.
“Yep.”
“Well, that told us a lot Rick, but you’re right. It was a long story. And now we have five minutes before we have to go to bed and you’re not supposed to be here,” Reagan worriedly said. “So what are we gonna do?”    
“We can now make our way to Diamond’s base and defeat them,” Rick suggested.
“I meant when Roan’s mom comes out of her room to make sure we go to bed. Duh.”
“We’ll just have to go now. Duh,” Rick said mockingly.
“Uhh… Roan, won’t your mom notice that we’re missing?”
“She likes beer, remember? She’s probably drunk right now,” Roan said. “I’ll go check with her right now.”
Roan checked on his mom and asked her a question. “What’s two plus two?”
Mrs. Jamieson looked at Roan. “TwEnTy SeVeNteEeN.”
Roan walked back to the others. “Yep. She’s drunk alright.” 
“Good. So can we go now?” Rick asked.
Reagan nodded very quickly and somewhat violently making her long red hair whip herself. 
Roan sighed. “What’ll happen when my mom comes out of her room perfectly fine and not drunk, and sees that we’re missing?”
“Would you rather have no future, or be grounded for like a year?” Reagan asked.
“Neither,” Roan said. “
“Please?” Begged Reagan and Rick.
Roan thought about his options. “Fine. But on one condition.” Roan said.
“What is it?”
“We have to scream ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ on the way there.” Roan said, knowing that Reagan would start complaining and whining and eventually say no.
“Fine by me.” Rick said.
Reagan sighed. “Fine. For the greater good. But I’m bringing an iPod and headphones, and you can’t stop me.”
Roan smiled while walking towards the door and opening it. “We’ll just have to sing extra loud.”
The three of them walked out the door. 
“We should probably pack.”
“Yep.”
Roan and Reagan went inside, packed, and went outside to start their journey.
“Are you all ready?” Rick asked.
“Nope,” Both Roan and Reagan said in perfect harmony.
“Then why are you coming?”
“Because, we make bad life decisions,” Reagan said.
“And we’re proud of it,” Roan said.
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Rick said, opening the door. “Once you step outside, you have to promise that you won’t turn back.”
“That’s a little much don’t you think?” Reagan said, obviously concerned by Rick’s strange request.
“You have to swear.”
“Oh I’ll swear.”
Rick gave Reagan the stink eye. “I mean it. Both of you.”
Roan nodded. “I promise.”
Reagan sighed. “Fine. If he goes, I go.”
“Then let’s go.”
“Wait. Where’s Diamond’s base?” Roan investigated.
“Somewhere in Rhode Island.”
“Rhode Island!? That’s like six hours away if you drive! Never mind walk!” Roan complained. “But you know what, I’ll do it. If it means the world won’t end.”
“Glad to hear it. Now let’s get moving. We’ve got a long week ahead of us.”
The threesome walked along the sidewalk in the darkness of the night oblivious of the dangerous path that lay ahead of them.

(Apr. 10, 2020  9:40 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote:

(Apr. 10, 2020  9:39 PM)GreenK9148 Wrote: that’s just what I suggested. Maybe instead of chapter 1, it could be a prologue.

It would be better as a sneak peek. Which wouldn’t change the chapters.

(Apr. 10, 2020  9:42 PM)GreenK9148 Wrote:

(Apr. 10, 2020  9:40 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: It would be better as a sneak peek. Which wouldn’t change the chapters.

Chapters don’t always have to be long.

(Apr. 10, 2020  9:40 PM)BuilderROB Wrote:

(Apr. 10, 2020  9:10 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: What do y’all think of my edited version of Chapter One? Please tell me if somethings don’t really make sense so that I can edit it!

Chapter One Edited Edition (Click to View)

                                                   
At ten thirty seven PM two young children were playing Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.
“STOP SPAMMING PK FIRE ON MY LUCAS!” Yelled the girl-who was eleven years old, and was four foot ten-who went by Reagan.
“THEN STOP SPAMMING PK THUNDER ON MY NESS!” The boy-who was eleven years old, who was also four foot eleven and named Roan-shot back. 
    “Well it’s not my fault you picked a bad fighter!”
    “I picked random, you duck!”
    “It takes one to know one,” Reagan said, calming her voice.
    “Yep,” Roan replied, also calming his voice. “Let’s just get this round over with.”
    “Agreed.”
    Roan and Reagan went back and forth scoring knockouts on each other until they both had high damage and one stock left. Then Roan’s fighter, Ness, hit with an upwards attack and started volleying Lucas, who was Reagan’s fighter.
    Reagan sighed. “Fine. Just get it over with.”
    Reagan moved her character right in front of Roan’s so that his character could hit her’s. Roan charged an attack and buffeted Lucas right off the stage.
    Lucas flew up and smacked into the screen, breaking the fourth wall. Normally, when the fourth wall got broken nothing really happened except for a KO. But this time, something strange resulted. A man was lying down on Roan’s carpet.
    Reagan cursed in horror while Roan grabbed weapons from the kitchen, a spatula and a knife sharpener.
    “Why didn’t you grab a knife!?” Reagan hissed.
    “We’re trying to defend ourselves, not kill him!” Roan explained.
    The man stood up. He was at least five foot eight and had ginger hair with a pompadour haircut. 
    “Are you Lucas?” Reagan asked.
    “Who?” The man asked.
    “Well when Lucas hit the screen, you appeared.”
“It may be something different. Where am I?”
    “My house,” Roan said sheepishly.
    “And where is that?” The mysterious man asked.
    ”7352 Oak Lane,” Roan responded.
    “Which dang state is it? What city?” The man said more aggressively. 
    “Virginia. Falls Church.”
    “That’s something to tell President Reagan.”
    “Excuse me, mister,” Reagan chimed, “the current President is Donald Trump, not Mr. Reagan.”
    “Well he-oh no. Diamond actually went through with his plan.”
“Excuse me? Who are you? Who are you talking about?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. My name is Rick Astley,” Rick Astley said, “but you can call me Rick.”
Roan’s face lit up in excitement. “You’re the Rick Astley? The one who made the ultimate meme song?”
Rick was obviously confused. “What is this meme song you speak of?”
“He means the song you made, ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’,” Reagan said, obviously annoyed.
“Ahh, yes. I’m very proud of that song.” Rick said, smiling off into the distance.
Rick started humming the instrumental beginning to his song. “Are you ready to start the song?”
Roan grinned ear to ear. “Absolutely-”
“Not!” Said Reagan cutting Roan off. “Rick, just tell us what's going on. Then, we’ll both be on our way.”
“Looks like someone doesn’t appreciate the art of music,” Roan said.
“Looks like someone forgot that I still have a knife sharpener,” Reagan threatened. “Now, get on with the story, Rick.”
Rick sighed. “It’s gonna be a long story. Are you sure?”
“No, but I make bad life decisions. So hurry up before I change my mind.” 
“Alright. Fine. Here I go.” Rick said, preparing himself for the endless story about to come out of him.
“Thirty seven days ago, my friend-who was also my employee-was tired of being powerless against everything. His job, his house, his marriage, everything. Some of his closest friends felt the same way too when he told them how he was feeling,” Rick said grimly. “They started by going on strike. No one cared. Then they started ‘working’ again,” Rick said, his face growing with sorrow. “Three weeks later, they finished a device that they claimed could destroy us all,” Rick took a breath. “So, I fired them all for the sake of my work.”
“And then they did whatever they did?” Roan asked in genuine curiosity. 
“Not quite yet. My celebrity friends and I all confronted them, only to see them with an entirely different form. Except they changed both their names and appearance. One of them was wearing a red uniform and was called Ruby, the one who had a blue outfit was named Sapphire, and the second to final one that we know of was wearing a green outfit named Emerald. And of course there was the final person. The one who started all of this. Diamond. He got much more insane and was wearing a white outfit,” Rick’s heart sank as if he was reliving it all. “We all surrounded them. We were sure to win. Then, Emerald opened some sort of portal and yanked out the device. We all charged at them but they all activated the device together somehow and one by one we started vanishing and disappearing into different places and timelines.”
“And now you’re here,” Reagan added.
“Yep.”
“Well, that told us a lot Rick, but you’re right. It was a long story. And now we have five minutes before we have to go to bed and you’re not supposed to be here,” Reagan worriedly said. “So what are we gonna do?”    
“We can now make our way to Diamond’s base and defeat them,” Rick suggested.
“I meant when Roan’s mom comes out of her room to make sure we go to bed. Duh.”
“We’ll just have to go now. Duh,” Rick said mockingly.
“Uhh… Roan, won’t your mom notice that we’re missing?”
“She likes beer, remember? She’s probably drunk right now,” Roan said. “I’ll go check with her right now.”
Roan checked on his mom and asked her a question. “What’s two plus two?”
Mrs. Jamieson looked at Roan. “TwEnTy SeVeNteEeN.”
Roan walked back to the others. “Yep. She’s drunk alright.” 
“Good. So can we go now?” Rick asked.
Reagan nodded very quickly and somewhat violently making her long red hair whip herself. 
Roan sighed. “What’ll happen when my mom comes out of her room perfectly fine and not drunk, and sees that we’re missing?”
“Would you rather have no future, or be grounded for like a year?” Reagan asked.
“Neither,” Roan said. “
“Please?” Begged Reagan and Rick.
Roan thought about his options. “Fine. But on one condition.” Roan said.
“What is it?”
“We have to scream ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ on the way there.” Roan said, knowing that Reagan would start complaining and whining and eventually say no.
“Fine by me.” Rick said.
Reagan sighed. “Fine. For the greater good. But I’m bringing an iPod and headphones, and you can’t stop me.”
Roan smiled while walking towards the door and opening it. “We’ll just have to sing extra loud.”
The three of them walked out the door. 
“We should probably pack.”
“Yep.”
Roan and Reagan went inside, packed, and went outside to start their journey.
“Are you all ready?” Rick asked.
“Nope,” Both Roan and Reagan said in perfect harmony.
“Then why are you coming?”
“Because, we make bad life decisions,” Reagan said.
“And we’re proud of it,” Roan said.
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Rick said, opening the door. “Once you step outside, you have to promise that you won’t turn back.”
“That’s a little much don’t you think?” Reagan said, obviously concerned by Rick’s strange request.
“You have to swear.”
“Oh I’ll swear.”
Rick gave Reagan the stink eye. “I mean it. Both of you.”
Roan nodded. “I promise.”
Reagan sighed. “Fine. If he goes, I go.”
“Then let’s go.”
“Wait. Where’s Diamond’s base?” Roan investigated.
“Somewhere in Rhode Island.”
“Rhode Island!? That’s like six hours away if you drive! Never mind walk!” Roan complained. “But you know what, I’ll do it. If it means the world won’t end.”
“Glad to hear it. Now let’s get moving. We’ve got a long week ahead of us.”
The threesome walked along the sidewalk in the darkness of the night oblivious of the dangerous path that lay ahead of them.

I gotta ask, how did you even make up this story?

(Apr. 10, 2020  10:01 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote:

(Apr. 10, 2020  9:42 PM)GreenK9148 Wrote: Chapters don’t always have to be long.

I plan on publishing this soon. So they can’t be like a few hundred word.

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(Apr. 10, 2020  10:09 PM)GreenK9148 Wrote:

(Apr. 10, 2020  10:01 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: I plan on publishing this soon. So they can’t be like a few hundred word.

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Some books have very short chapters.

(Apr. 10, 2020  10:26 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote:

(Apr. 10, 2020  10:09 PM)GreenK9148 Wrote: Some books have very short chapters.

Keyword being “Some”.

(Apr. 10, 2020  10:01 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote:

(Apr. 10, 2020  9:42 PM)GreenK9148 Wrote: Chapters don’t always have to be long.

I plan on publishing this soon. So they can’t be like a few hundred word.

---

(Apr. 10, 2020  9:40 PM)BuilderROB Wrote: I gotta ask, how did you even make up this story?

Why?

(Apr. 10, 2020  10:29 PM)GreenK9148 Wrote:

(Apr. 10, 2020  10:26 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: Keyword being “Some”.

Well, remember ‘Quality over quantity’.

(Apr. 10, 2020  10:36 PM)BuilderROB Wrote:

(Apr. 10, 2020  10:01 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: I plan on publishing this soon. So they can’t be like a few hundred word.

---

Why?

Because this is the most bizarre story I’ve ever read. And it’s only the first chapter.

(Apr. 10, 2020  10:37 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote:

(Apr. 10, 2020  10:29 PM)GreenK9148 Wrote: Well, remember ‘Quality over quantity’.

Exactly. I want my chapters the have good quality and details. But to have details, you need words. And I can’t just say “James launched his BEYBLADE” end of chapter. That’s not enough.

(Apr. 10, 2020  10:39 PM)GreenK9148 Wrote:

(Apr. 10, 2020  10:37 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: Exactly. I want my chapters the have good quality and details. But to have details, you need words. And I can’t just say “James launched his BEYBLADE” end of chapter. That’s not enough.

I am saying that your that your story has good quality. It’s just that when you try to write more, it might get messy. And the example you wrote “James launches his BEYBLADE” is not good quality.

(Apr. 10, 2020  10:39 PM)GreenK9148 Wrote:

(Apr. 10, 2020  10:37 PM)CheetoBlader Wrote: Exactly. I want my chapters the have good quality and details. But to have details, you need words. And I can’t just say “James launched his BEYBLADE” end of chapter. That’s not enough.

I am saying that your that your story has good quality. It’s just that when you try to write more, it might get messy. And the example you wrote “James launches his BEYBLADE” is not good quality.