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Sorry i could not delete my post.
(Feb. 03, 2011 10:18 PM)Deikailo Wrote: [ -> ]As per your request to critique, here I go:
Post 1:
You shouldn't open with only a noun and a verb unless it's something that will catch your reader completely off guard. The first sentence is often the most powerful and as much as that sentence can be powerful, I think you can do better.
First you looked up at the "sun blazing in the sky" but the moon is also "full and beautiful"? Also, you used "begin/began" thrice in two sentences. Should avoid as much repetition as possible.
If you're writing from a first person perspective, a good habit to get into is to completely engulf yourself in the world you imagine. For example, you want to explain every key detail you can. You want to give the reader enough information to drag them in, too, but leave out enough to keep the story's focus. If you're down an alley, I don't want to hear about that trash can, but I may want to know about the slimy rat that squeeled when it heard the echo of your foodsteps and the odor of 3 week old turkey lingering in the air. I want to know that that smell was so bad that you canceled your dinner date.
Most people never use enough detail so it's safer to have too much than too little. You want to use a ton of similes and metaphors because that helps your audience sympathize with you setting.
Remember to keep in touch with all five sense. Although sight is the most commonly used sense, smell is actually the most rememberable. I know if someone tells me "morning dew and fresh cut grass" I'm imediately thinking farm or suburban lawn. If you say "cold air thrashing my lungs", I could only imagine you're in a blizzard.
But back onto your work: "Strange, to be having such calm thoughts". That's something you should add in after you explain your thoughts. You made the assumption that we can understand the main character's thoughts, but as a writer, you have to take us into that world. Don't let us assume anything that that character feels because I have no idea what it feels like to know that my fate is sealed and all that I know is about to be gone.
Don't be so specific with names. You name your combo, your bey, launcher grip, etc. The Beyblade community knows what you're after, yeah, but not a general audience. I challenge you to use description instead of names until a character asks what it is. I also challenge you to not make a character ask for the sake of saying the name.
"It was a crisp autumn day, and the air had a faint chill" is an extremely vague statement. Try doing something more like "The aroma of changing leaves was captured in the howling wind along with the voice of my jeering rival." Of course, this isn't the best way to write this out, but do you see how the setting introduces another character by that means?
"And after a few seconds of contact, that was where my opponents blade ended up." Pretend I don't know Beyblade and explain what was the "contact" and where "that" is. Assuming you mean the sky, "what goes up, must come down" so walk me through the coming down part. Also, "ended up" is very non descriptive.
............wow..........your good! Did you take a writing class??
No, I'm dyslexic. I can't even read books.
(Feb. 03, 2011 11:57 PM)Deikailo Wrote: [ -> ]No, I'm dyslexic. I can't even read books.
......How ironic
Of course, Deikailo, I'm sure Sparta means no offense. But I didn't know that. So you can read the posts here, amirite or no?
Yeah. In the case of his story, I have to highlight everything to distingush each sentence.
I had a part of my brain removed when I have five so I have a lot of weird quirks. It's a processing issue from that.
(Feb. 04, 2011 3:13 AM)Deikailo Wrote: [ -> ]Yeah. In the case of his story, I have to highlight everything to distingush each sentence.
I had a part of my brain removed when I have five so I have a lot of weird quirks. It's a processing issue from that.
Oh....I'm sorry.........I had no idea............I'm sorry you had to go through that.......
I've had my fair share of surgeries myself (6? or 7? I'm 14 years old)
Dude, having a chunk of your brain missing can be so much fun. You get to think outside the box naturally. You have to be smart to overcome it, but you work harder to understand the world around you. It's a gift and a curse, really.
You should touch up chapter one and the prologue a bit keeping in mind what I've suggested. I'd be interested in reading what you've got.
Cool thank you!!
And lol way to be glass half full!! Way to go!
That's the way to be! An optimistic survivor story is always good! Keeping others spirits up! They're complaining, but you have it much worse. Pssshh. Their problems are like dust in the wind when faced with yours. But the story looks great, Sparta! Keep it up! I'm typing up Part 3 right now! (only time I get to write it up)
Grrrrrreeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaat story sparta keep going
Name
van
Beyblade:Rock Panther (panther is my custom symbol)facebolt is a panther prowling and panther is a black with a little green energy ring and claw desings
Special Move
anther Claw Strike a panther comes up above the bey and slashes the other one a green light goes up above the stadium
Backstory:he is 11 and all of his friends and neighbors are very weak and he travels around the country to find new strong opponents to see his true power
Look:smooth black hair and usually wears a sweatshirt thats black with a green stripe atletic pants
Umm.......................dude I'm completely out of room...........I'm rele sry....
alright thats ok great story!
I think I may be leaving, NOT QUITTING, beyblade. I'm tired of the game and the drags like losing parts and emptying my parents wallets for spinning tops. Besides, it's probably bad when your parents, your brother, even your friends either say you're obssesed (parents) and that I need to get a life (friends)...........
so I may be leaving soon......
for good.....
nnnnnnnnnooo plz don't!! you believe what YOU think!!don't let them get 2 u!!
don't leave how will u live with your self if u quit / leave
Not quitting the stories!! I'm just quitting beyblade..........
it really hasn't interested me lately.
(Feb. 08, 2011 3:02 AM)Sparta Wrote: [ -> ]I think I may be leaving, NOT QUITTING, beyblade. I'm tired of the game and the drags like losing parts and emptying my parents wallets for spinning tops. Besides, it's probably bad when your parents, your brother, even your friends either say you're obssesed (parents) and that I need to get a life (friends)...........
so I may be leaving soon......
for good.....
Just tell them you're in it for the physics, and it makes you smarter in that.
Works every time
ya happy face !!! i <3 the story!!
Thank you all! (Line from Daichi in G-revolution) "We're [I'm] touched *Begins to shodden anime sob*"
Sorry guys haven't posted in years. Will write the next chaptah this weekend....
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