(May. 24, 2021  3:55 PM)JJustice Wrote: anyway Chapter 1 is out

Spoiler (Click to View)

 
Hizashi: how did I get into UA
(2 weeks earlier)
Mom: Hizashi come downstairs
Hizashi: yes
Mom: you're going to UA
Hizashi: Your joking I don't even have a quirk  
Mom: you will see
(end of flashback)
Hizashi: hmm the entry test *takes a seat* Woah
Chargebolt: Hello Ladies and gentleman
Hizash's mind: Woah ITS CHARGE BOLT THE LIGHTING HERO
Chargebolt: today you guys will be slit up we will send you to the training course then here is how it will work we will send robots to you then you fight them each robot is 10 points then we send the super robot at you this time its worth 100 points good luck.
Toshiro: easy
Toshiro midoriya
quirk: one for all
katsu: ha you're going down
katsu bakugou
quirk: explosions
Hizashi's mind: WOAH THE NUMBER #1 hero son Toshiro and the Number 2 daughter Katsu bakugou
Ko: guys chill
Hizashi's Mind: NUMBER #3 SON KO WICH MEANS FIRE CHILD
Chargebolt: NOW GO

to be continued
can someone rate this PinkRose Free...hoya anyone

(May. 24, 2021  5:46 PM)i\m batman Wrote:

(May. 24, 2021  3:55 PM)JJustice Wrote: anyway Chapter 1 is out

Spoiler (Click to View)

 
Hizashi: how did I get into UA
(2 weeks earlier)
Mom: Hizashi come downstairs
Hizashi: yes
Mom: you're going to UA
Hizashi: Your joking I don't even have a quirk  
Mom: you will see
(end of flashback)
Hizashi: hmm the entry test *takes a seat* Woah
Chargebolt: Hello Ladies and gentleman
Hizash's mind: Woah ITS CHARGE BOLT THE LIGHTING HERO
Chargebolt: today you guys will be slit up we will send you to the training course then here is how it will work we will send robots to you then you fight them each robot is 10 points then we send the super robot at you this time its worth 100 points good luck.
Toshiro: easy
Toshiro midoriya
quirk: one for all
katsu: ha you're going down
katsu bakugou
quirk: explosions
Hizashi's mind: WOAH THE NUMBER #1 hero son Toshiro and the Number 2 daughter Katsu bakugou
Ko: guys chill
Hizashi's Mind: NUMBER #3 SON KO WICH MEANS FIRE CHILD
Chargebolt: NOW GO

to be continued
can someone rate this PinkRose Free...hoya anyone

Lemme try rating it.

1.Plot: 3/5. It could be improved quite a bit. First, I'd advise making chapters longer to allow more progression. Then, maybe try describing things instead of using a script format as unlike the anime or manga, we're not actually seeing anything and need a description (this one is more of an opinion really).
2.Grammar: 3/5. I'd REALLY advise you to use proper punctuation and capitalization. Absence of that takes away from engagement.
3.Characterization: 4/5. There's only one returning character (Denki) yet and he's in Present Mic's spot so... not much to work with (but why? Present Mic was likely chosen for his voice, but what specialty does Denki have? He's honestly way better at zapping his opponents in battle than making announcements). As for the new ones, can't say they strike out as unique.
4.Dialogue: 3/5. The dialogue feels... bland. They don't give an insight into the characters. A bit rushed as well.
5.Battle: -/-. No battles so this does not apply.

Overall,: 13/20. A lot of room to improve. First try increasing the length and properly punctuating. Hope you improve!

(May. 31, 2021  4:41 PM)Sahaj Buttar Wrote: Awesome bro keep up the good work!

(Jun. 01, 2021  9:22 AM)Hollowmind8 Wrote: I think you could mix some things (like quirks) or maybe add more, since normally their quirks would be stronger than their fathers and hybrid quirks would be more common, but i guess its fine. I also think that the entry exam would be different (season one shown that fighting robots was inaccurate, since quirks involving living things are useless). And It's not like every child of the main cast would get into the UA but I think i got what you want to do.

Also its missing details (maybe change how you write from script to narrative), the plot is starting yet,  but i guess its fine for now. You're using a not to good writing style (script) for this.

REALLY consider adding new non-related-to-the-main-cast characters, maybe even characters that came from another country. You can even add more classes to UA (like 1C and 1D) because at this point there are numerous people applying for UA (with for classes that would be at least 80 characters, but you dont need to explain every character so its fine). If you want some quirk suggestions (for future characters), I can share some of my own and others ideas.

(Jun. 01, 2021  5:23 PM)JJustice Wrote:

(Jun. 01, 2021  9:22 AM)Hollowmind8 Wrote: I think you could mix some things (like quirks) or maybe add more, since normally their quirks would be stronger than their fathers and hybrid quirks would be more common, but i guess its fine. I also think that the entry exam would be different (season one shown that fighting robots was inaccurate, since quirks involving living things are useless). And It's not like every child of the main cast would get into the UA but I think i got what you want to do.

Also its missing details (maybe change how you write from script to narrative), the plot is starting yet,  but i guess its fine for now. You're using a not to good writing style (script) for this.

REALLY consider adding new non-related-to-the-main-cast characters, maybe even characters that came from another country. You can even add more classes to UA (like 1C and 1D) because at this point there are numerous people applying for UA (with for classes that would be at least 80 characters, but you dont need to explain every character so its fine). If you want some quirk suggestions (for future characters), I can share some of my own and others ideas.

Thanks for the info but Kato zasshi hizashi are not related to the original cast members and I'm adding more that are not

---

alright meet Dax teacher of class 1C and he is one of the youngest hero ever he is 21 years old and made it becoming a pro hero