World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.
Hato's Beyblade Fan Series: Beyblade Spirit Connected ベイブレード:スピリット接続!! - Printable Version

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Hato's Beyblade Fan Series: Beyblade Spirit Connected ベイブレード:スピリ - Hato - Dec. 09, 2014

This is my first fan series, so please tell me how I did and what to improve on!

Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5

INCOMPLETE
Episode 6



RE: Beyblade: Spirit Connected ãƒ™ã‚¤ãƒ–ãƒ¬ãƒ¼ãƒ‰ï¼šã‚¹ãƒ”ãƒªãƒƒãƒ„æŽ¥ç¶ - 6 God - Dec. 09, 2014

I happen to like bananas. Hopefully you get what I'm saying.

I think you could work on details more.


RE: Beyblade: Spirit Connected ãƒ™ã‚¤ãƒ–ãƒ¬ãƒ¼ãƒ‰ï¼šã‚¹ãƒ”ãƒªãƒƒãƒ„æŽ¥ç¶ - Hato - Dec. 09, 2014

(Dec. 09, 2014  3:11 AM)Echizen Wrote: I happen to like bananas. Hopefully you get what I'm saying.

I think you could work on details more.

I am not a big fan if bananas, they are just decent to me Tongue_out

I want to expand more on all the characters,add some and explain more on things, but I just wanted to leave a little mystery and less detail so people would expect an episode 2 Wink


RE: Beyblade: Spirit Connected ãƒ™ã‚¤ãƒ–ãƒ¬ãƒ¼ãƒ‰ï¼šã‚¹ãƒ”ãƒªãƒƒãƒ„æŽ¥ç¶ - desire - Dec. 09, 2014

It looks pretty good for a first episode, Hato! Leaves a bit of mystery, but you shouldn't have revealed the blader who owned the dragon bey, IMO.


RE: Beyblade: Spirit Connected ãƒ™ã‚¤ãƒ–ãƒ¬ãƒ¼ãƒ‰ï¼šã‚¹ãƒ”ãƒªãƒƒãƒ„æŽ¥ç¶ - Hato - Dec. 09, 2014

(Dec. 09, 2014  3:15 AM)des!re Wrote: It looks pretty good for a first episode, Hato! Leaves a bit of mystery, but you shouldn't have revealed the blader who owned the dragon bey, IMO.

You don't know everything about him yet... Wink stay tuned!


RE: Beyblade: Spirit Connected ãƒ™ã‚¤ãƒ–ãƒ¬ãƒ¼ãƒ‰ï¼šã‚¹ãƒ”ãƒªãƒƒãƒ„æŽ¥ç¶ - Jinbee - Dec. 09, 2014

Where did all these fan series come from suddenly haha? Ever since Holyphoenix5's, there were a lot.

Its not bad, but it may need more development. I wont vote it yet as I must see the full series, if I voted now, I may change my mind and regret voting it.

So can I wait till the end?


RE: Beyblade: Spirit Connected ãƒ™ã‚¤ãƒ–ãƒ¬ãƒ¼ãƒ‰ï¼šã‚¹ãƒ”ãƒªãƒƒãƒ„æŽ¥ç¶ - Hato - Dec. 09, 2014

(Dec. 09, 2014  9:19 AM)JinbeeTheShark Wrote: Where did all these fan series come from suddenly haha? Ever since Holyphoenix5's, there were a lot.

Its not bad, but it may need more development. I wont vote it yet as I must see the full series, if I voted now, I may change my mind and regret voting it.

So can I wait till the end?
Well, since I saw so many, decided to add some to the bunch, haha

I we'll be adding more detail and developing more in episode 2 and onwards Smile

Vote when ever you want!


RE: Beyblade: Spirit Connected ãƒ™ã‚¤ãƒ–ãƒ¬ãƒ¼ãƒ‰ï¼šã‚¹ãƒ”ãƒªãƒƒãƒ„æŽ¥ç¶ - HolyPhoenix5 - Dec. 09, 2014

it kinda feels like mfb, using lines like "go now" or use dragon emperors, it's not bad but it feels cliche.


RE: Beyblade: Spirit Connected ãƒ™ã‚¤ãƒ–ãƒ¬ãƒ¼ãƒ‰ï¼šã‚¹ãƒ”ãƒªãƒƒãƒ„æŽ¥ç¶ - Hato - Dec. 09, 2014

(Dec. 09, 2014  5:54 PM)HolyPhoenix5 Wrote: it kinda feels like mfb, using lines like "go now" or use dragon emperors, it's not bad but it feels cliche.

Well, I am trying to make it seem like just young cubs playing (young children), since they can't all call there bey something Uncertain but I will fix this today in episode 2!


RE: Beyblade: Spirit Connected ãƒ™ã‚¤ãƒ–ãƒ¬ãƒ¼ãƒ‰ï¼šã‚¹ãƒ”ãƒªãƒƒãƒ„æŽ¥ç¶ - HolyPhoenix5 - Dec. 09, 2014

that's fine, i just wanted to point that out.


RE: Beyblade: Spirit Connected ãƒ™ã‚¤ãƒ–ãƒ¬ãƒ¼ãƒ‰ï¼šã‚¹ãƒ”ãƒªãƒƒãƒ„æŽ¥ç¶ - Hato - Dec. 09, 2014

(Dec. 09, 2014  9:52 PM)HolyPhoenix5 Wrote: that's fine, i just wanted to point that out.

Thank you for the advice. I have now changed it in episode 2

EPISODE 2 NOW OUT!


RE: Beyblade: Spirit Connected ãƒ™ã‚¤ãƒ–ãƒ¬ãƒ¼ãƒ‰ï¼šã‚¹ãƒ”ãƒªãƒƒãƒ„æŽ¥ç¶ - HolyPhoenix5 - Dec. 09, 2014

it's good! just watch the grammar, keep it up and check out other fan series incase you get stuck for ideas.

don't forget to check out mine! im working on episode 3.


RE: Beyblade: Spirit Connected ãƒ™ã‚¤ãƒ–ãƒ¬ãƒ¼ãƒ‰ï¼šã‚¹ãƒ”ãƒªãƒƒãƒ„æŽ¥ç¶ - Hato - Dec. 09, 2014

(Dec. 09, 2014  11:42 PM)HolyPhoenix5 Wrote: it's good! just watch the grammar, keep it up and check out other fan series incase you get stuck for ideas.

don't forget to check out mine! im working on episode 3.
I always try to keep up with my grammar, haha. Sorry if there are any errors, I will try to fix them.


RE: Beyblade: Spirit Connected ãƒ™ã‚¤ãƒ–ãƒ¬ãƒ¼ãƒ‰ï¼šã‚¹ãƒ”ãƒªãƒƒãƒ„æŽ¥ç¶ - HolyPhoenix5 - Dec. 10, 2014

cool! hope to see the next episodes!


RE: Beyblade: Spirit Connected ãƒ™ã‚¤ãƒ–ãƒ¬ãƒ¼ãƒ‰ï¼šã‚¹ãƒ”ãƒªãƒƒãƒ„æŽ¥ç¶ - Hato - Dec. 11, 2014

Episode 3 added! New character introduced, new beys and more revealations!


RE: Beyblade Fan Series: Beyblade Spirit Connected ベイブレード:スピリã - Hato - Dec. 11, 2014

Sorry for the double post, but important update:
EPISODE 4 OUT!
I did it a little differently and the episode is longer than the others, so please leave feedback on the new way!


RE: Beyblade Fan Series: Beyblade Spirit Connected ベイブレード:スピリã - Jinbee - Dec. 11, 2014

Episode 5, you mean 4 right?


RE: Beyblade Fan Series: Beyblade Spirit Connected ベイブレード:スピリã - Hato - Dec. 11, 2014

(Dec. 11, 2014  9:58 PM)JinbeeTheShark Wrote: Episode 5, you mean 4 right?

Just fixed it, thanks Smile how did you like episode 4? I took your advice Grin


RE: Beyblade Fan Series: Beyblade Spirit Connected ベイブレード:スピリã - Jinbee - Dec. 11, 2014

Good job! It's very good, I hope to see more.

I like the story so far.


RE: Beyblade Fan Series: Beyblade Spirit Connected ベイブレード:スピリã - Hato - Dec. 11, 2014

(Dec. 11, 2014  10:01 PM)JinbeeTheShark Wrote: Good job! It's very good, I hope to see more.

I like the story so far.

Thank you! I will try to keep it up Smile


RE: Beyblade Fan Series: Beyblade Spirit Connected ベイブレード:スピリã - Jinbee - Dec. 13, 2014

Since a lion is used, can I be a white tiger?


RE: Beyblade Fan Series: Beyblade Spirit Connected ベイブレード:スピリã - Hato - Dec. 13, 2014

(Dec. 13, 2014  2:53 AM)JinbeeTheShark Wrote: Since a lion is used, can I be a white tiger?

I have PMed you details Smile


RE: Beyblade Fan Series: Beyblade Spirit Connected ベイブレード:スピリã - Hato - Dec. 13, 2014

EPISODE 5 IS UP
This will be the start of the main plot, so please tell me how it is Smile


RE: Beyblade Fan Series: Beyblade Spirit Connected ベイブレード:スピリã - Jinbee - Dec. 13, 2014

The track and bottom I may use is SC145(Stability Circle) and DMC(Defense Metal Change) sorry I can't think of a name shorter than four otherwise, it's basically a metal change bottom with a defense tip.

Slash is a rounded wheel that's sharp and curved on top like rounded blades and rounded on the side.

Slash Shirakko SC145DMC is what I may do.


RE: Beyblade Fan Series: Beyblade Spirit Connected ベイブレード:スピリã - Hato - Dec. 13, 2014

(Dec. 13, 2014  7:55 PM)JinbeeTheShark Wrote: The track and bottom I may use is SR145(Stability Ring) and DMC(Defense Metal Change) sorry I can't think of a name shorter than four otherwise, it's basically a metal change bottom with a defense tip.

Slash is a rounded wheel that's sharp and curved on top like rounded blades and rounded on the side.

Slash Shirakko SR145DMC is what I may do.

What do you mean shorter than four? It is...

Could you explain DMC please? Via PM please Smile

And could you please explain Slash please? Via PM too please Smile
Also, I need your character name.