Sons of Legends - A Beyblade Story - The Ninja - Mar. 03, 2014
Prologue:
"Masu.. Masumune. Are you okay?" A soft, and gentle voice asked. It was Madoka, my wife. She follows me everywhere now. Just to care and shelter me when I am worn out of battling.
"Yeah. I guess so. Thanks for helping me up." I said in pain after nearly destroying Master Serpent. I looked down at my broken Beyblade; Dark Knight Unicornio.
I looked closer at the Stone Face, and Unicornio's eye closed, as if it's spirit inside finally died. I cried and cursed under my breathe as if Unicornio was the best thing that happened to me. It was. I saw my bey slowly die and then reform. It was a magnificent sight.
The Letter:
Home. It is too far away to think about. I have been traveling my whole life to find this. And now, I’m here. For so many years, my Parents has been the one true guide in my life. And now, their missing. I now travel with a somewhat good companion, Dark Knight Unicornio. My goal is to travel to the Safe Haven of bladers, to get away from the Vipers, a snake- based team that has goals of destroying all Beyblades except their own member’s. Is there even a safe haven? Or is it just a location where all rebels meet up and plan of destroying the Vipers? Nobody even knows. Except a few people, Who just happen to be my friends. And of course they won’t tell anybody, because they cannot trust traitors.
- Rebel Kadoya
Characters:
Name: Rebel Kadoya
(Son of Masumune Kadoya)
Age: 14
Bey: Dark Knight Unicornio B : D
Name: Pano Kadoya
(Adopted Daughter of Masumune Kadoya)
Age: 8
Bey: Graphite Cells 100 SD
Name: Tetwa Tategami
(Son of Kyoya Tategami)
Age: 16
Bey: Savage Leone 145 D
Name: Master Serpent/ Shady Guy
Age: 39
Bey: Reptile Anaconda S(StairCase)90 RF
Name: Alexi Mizusawa
(Son of Yuki Mizusawa)
Age: 16
Bey: Fang Anubis GB145 EWB
Name: Akito Boten
(Son of Ryuga)
Age: 14
Bey: (R-Spin) Mecha LDrago 100 MF
Name: Alex Den
(Son of Chris)
Age: 10
Bey: Basalt Orion X : D
Name: Samuel Yumiya
(Son of Kenta Yumiya)
Age: 18
Bey: Counter Saggitario 230 W2D
Name: Mettio ???
(Daughter of Tithi)
Age: 15
Bey: ????
Name: ????
(Son of King)
Age: ??
Bey: Variares B : D
CHAPTER 1A:
"3,2,1, Go Shoot!" Not knowing if I would win or not, I instantly used my special move; Horn Uppercut. Dark Knight Unicornio started to make revolutions around my sister; Pano's Bey; Graphite Cells. Then, in the blink of an eye, Unicornio flew up into the sky, and light blinded all people in the stadium. As normal, I won. I mean, I never felt the feeling of losing before. But that still does not make me feel confident in battling the Vipers. You see? They overthrew the USA's government a long time ago, and now they are torturing all bladers except their own.
"No Rebel!" screamed Pano.
"What do you want?!" I responded. Ok, I admit it, I have a bad attitude. I hate people. Especially since my parents have gone missing.
“Just stop thinking about them!†Yelled a voice in the distance. Everyone in this town knew that I get extremely worked up when I think about the Viper Government or my Parents. I have been traveling for a very long time to escape the Government who wants to run tests on me. Why tests? you ask, but let me tell you that I am currently the number 1 blader in the world, and because the Vipers are a blading based government, they “need†the best bladers in the USA to help them rule the world. With my blood and DNA, the Vipers can create the perfect blader to work and rule along-side Master Serpent, the leader of the Vipers.
*BOOM* Suddenly red sand, that moved around just like lava started to burst out of the sidewalks. It stopped and formed a giant BB-10 Stadium.
“Ahh! What’s that?†My sister; Pano; screamed while running towards me.
“I don’t know, but let’s get out of here!†I yelled as fast as possible while starting to run.
“Rebel†A load and rumbly voice said “Come out, come out, wherever you are!â€
“Huh? Who.. What are you?†I stopped and turned around. A dark shadowy figure stood in the center of the street wearing a green, black, and red hoody. You couldn’t see any skin on him either, just shadows. All you could see were memories. Memories from my parents. Madoka and Masamune Kadoya. I was in trusted by both of them to do what neither of them could; destroy Master Serpent.
"It's Me." The dark figure took his hood off and slowly placed it on his shoulders. "Your step brother, Tetwa."
"Tetwa?" I asked "I don't have a step brother. Who are you?"
"I was sent by your parents to..." Spoke the strange and unusual man standing in front of me.
"MY PARENTS???" I interrupted.
"Yes. Now please calm down." Tetwa asked politely. "They are being held captive in the Serpent's hideout. Hurry up there!"
"Well, well, well. Look-ey who we have here. If it isn't the little Kadoya!" I started to run. "Guards! Chase him!" I knew who it was. It was Serpent. Suddenly about 10 guards wearing snake-like costumes surrounded me, all with their launchers fully loaded and ready to fight.
"What do you want?" I turned around and asked. Out of the darkness came Serpent.
"3." He said very confidently.
"2!" I yelled.
"1, Let it RIP!" All of us, including the guards pulled their rippers. The beys flew into the stadium very smoothly and incredibly fast. With the speed of the beys and the sand on the ground, a giant dust storm was formed. It was impossible to see anything.
"Guards, use the synchronized special move now!"
"Sure thing Masta' Serpent! Come on guys! Special Move: Planetary Revolution!" One guard said. All of the beys in the stadium, Besides Serpent's and mine, started to revolve around my Unicornio like it was the sun, and the other beys were planets.
"Go now Unicornio! Special Move: Horn Uppercut!" Suddenly Unicornio started spinning and spinning, and revolving and revolving. Then within 3 seconds of constant attacking, 12 beys were slammed out of the small arena. It was now just Serpent and I facing off.
CHAPTER 1B:
"So I see. Very powerful moves young Kadoya." Spoke Serpent, "I doubt that you can defend this. Anaconda! Special Move: Hibernating Dig!" Suddenly Reptile Anaconda jumped up a foot into the sky and fell right down sideways, and dug a giant hole in the ground.
"Wha..What? Where are you?" I asked very scarily.
Please PM me if you would like any requested characters to be in this story. Please follow the format listed in the "Characters" section.
RE: Rebel- A Beyblade Story - Airus - Mar. 03, 2014
This...
Seems interesting, but here's some things you'll need to work on:
1: Make it longer, that said, this is too short. If it's meant to be a prologue, you should tag it Prologue. Not chapter one. I understand it's shortness if it's a prologue.
2: There were a few grammar/spelling errors. Examples are that member's is supposed to be members in the case of a plural. Also, the line Except a few people. Who just happen to be my friends., it should be Except a few people, who just happen to be my friends.
Other than that, keep going! I hope you do well!
RE: Rebel- A Beyblade Story - The Ninja - Mar. 03, 2014
(Mar. 03, 2014 1:44 AM)Jake Hagane Wrote: This...
Seems interesting, but here's some things you'll need to work on:
1: Make it longer, that said, this is too short. If it's meant to be a prologue, you should tag it Prologue. Not chapter one. I understand it's shortness if it's a prologue.
2: There were a few grammar/spelling errors. Examples are that member's is supposed to be members in the case of a plural. Also, the line Except a few people. Who just happen to be my friends., it should be Except a few people, who just happen to be my friends.
Other than that, keep going! I hope you do well!
Thank you SO much on your feedback. I will get to work on it as soon as possible.
RE: Rebel- A Beyblade Story - Dual - Mar. 03, 2014
Ooh, a dystopian story, interesting. The prologue seems pretty good, but it's to early to judge. Grammar and spelling are pretty good, so kudos, haha. I'll keep an eye on this story for sure!
RE: Rebel- A Beyblade Story - The Ninja - Mar. 03, 2014
(Mar. 03, 2014 2:41 AM)Dual Wrote: Ooh, a dystopian story, interesting. The prologue seems pretty good, but it's to early to judge. Grammar and spelling are pretty good, so kudos, haha. I'll keep an eye on this story for sure! Hey. Hey. (Dad chuckles)
RE: Rebel- A Beyblade Story - Airus - Mar. 04, 2014
I'll be sure to keep my eye out for new chapters of this story as well!
RE: Rebel- A Beyblade Story - Ryker Kurogane - Mar. 04, 2014
This story does seem interesting. It actually makes me want to read more. Best wishes!
RE: Rebel- A Beyblade Story - Aqua Roxas - Mar. 04, 2014
Interesting story. I'll keep an eye on this, but you should've made the opening chapter slightly larger. Unless of course, it was a prologue. Other than that, your grammar and spelling seems good, so that's a plus. I'll be keeping an eye on this piece.
RE: Rebel- A Beyblade Story - The Ninja - Mar. 06, 2014
Chapter 1A is added, format was revised
RE: Rebel- A Beyblade Story - Dual - Mar. 06, 2014
It's really short, even for a partial chapter. Here's what I suggest:
-Obviously, make it longer.
-Add description. Describe the environment, the opponent, the main character, the special move, etc. this will build a setting and lengthen your chapters.
That's all for now, really.
RE: Rebel- A Beyblade Story - Airus - Mar. 06, 2014
OK, I'll say the same thing dual said. Other than that, this is good. Other than some grammatical and spelling errors. Try typing it out on MS word and use spellcheck.
Also, did Rebel just say that his parents were Masamune and Madoka? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? (Sorry for caps)
Madoka thinks Masamune of an overimaginative child that cries when he figures he's not what he thinks he is. Still, that made me jump.
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