The dragon bladers [Updated!!!] (finished) - DRAGON KING - Oct. 27, 2013
This is my first story I might upload more if u guys and I want
zilon slowly walked down the dark road hoping to find a place to rest after the attack.... It happened earlier that day, he was walking to his blade practice dojo and suddenly an object burst through the sky and before he even comprehended it, there was a giant explosion at the military base. He immediately ran to the dojo where he found the others looking out in the front yard , looking at the burning military base miles away, zilon joined them and everyone was in so much shock they never even noticed that he came, then master Talio told them to go inside and hide as helocopter flew through the sky.
" Call your parents, I think it's terrorists, we need to evacuate to somewheres safer" commander master Talio,
"do u think its the dragons?" Asked Zilon. "I don't know" said master Talio, as they all took out there phones. All of them tried calling there families but the phone didnt even ring, "the phone aren't working master , wat should we do?" A student asked,
" we just need to wait" replied the master. Then a sound of a speeding car rushed through the road and drove in front of the dojo. The master immediately told the students (only 5 of them) to hide in the utility close, seeing as the dojo had no backdoor. They did as he said , and hid, but it was to small no matter how much they squeezed. Zilon volunteered to hide else where and ran to the masters office/room and hid under his bed which had a over hanging blanket. He suddenly heard footsteps and angry screaming shouting commands to the master, master Talio refused saying
" u can't invade my dojo without me taking atleast one of you down" then he heard a Battle and in under a minute the powerful master was defeated, then the attacker searched the dojo and found the students. As they screamed, Zilon had to hold back from screaming. And after they left he ran out the door and ran but as he reached his house his father , the mayor, and familie's mansion ( his father was a wealthy mayor ) had been invaded and was filled with attackers. So he ran and ran and found
himself wandering down a random road at night
That was chapter one I hope u enjoyed, can u guys review it for me? I kinda just wrote it off the top of my head ( meaning no planning). I will probaly introduce the beyblades in chapter 2
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - Shadow Blaze - Oct. 27, 2013
Lol really good so far I like the plot and how it comes together 
Really creative
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - DRAGON KING - Oct. 27, 2013
Thanks lol I tried to make it kinda original
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - ★WindStarElite★ - Oct. 27, 2013
Great plot and story theme just need to work on your length and spacing like jacolal story It doesn't look neat if its much together but since its your first story you did well its just beginners mistake.
Any yes I mean make it long
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - Dual - Oct. 27, 2013
Ok, while it's ok to use text talk in real life (I still think it's lame), never use it in a story. Also it's kind of hard to follow, and it's all scrunched up. Press enter before a new character speaks, and it'll already be way less cluttered. Just a few tips.
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - DRAGON KING - Oct. 27, 2013
Thanks lol I thought I was making it to long @ultramarine ok ill try not to do that
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - ★WindStarElite★ - Oct. 27, 2013
Just listen to What tips ultamarine and I say And You will have an top tier story like ultramarine.
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - DRAGON KING - Oct. 27, 2013
All this feedback is muchly appreciated and I hope more people read and give feed back, the second chapter will probaly be posted tommorrow if anybody was wondering
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - Bularieleone - Oct. 27, 2013
Story seems decent, just fix the grammar, spelling, and organizational problems.
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - DRAGON KING - Oct. 27, 2013
Ok thanks ill try and fix the organization in the next chapter
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - LimiTTrickster - Oct. 27, 2013
welll... its okay. There are some grammar parts which can be improved on such as punctuation and capital letters. Furthermore, the chapter seems a tad short, you can try and develop actions or put in more detail in them. work on this, and I'm sure this'll be a good story.
sent from my phone, please excuse any spelling mistakes.
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - BIGBANG! - Oct. 27, 2013
Wow DK awesome story, but a few beginners mistakes like, some of the grammar,puncuation and if you can space it out a little that would be good, but apart from that it's really good.
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - DRAGON KING - Oct. 27, 2013
Thanks guys ill fix try to fix all that in chapter 2
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - DRAGON KING - Oct. 27, 2013
Chapter 2 guys After walking all night , to scared to rest, Zilon found himself at the west edge of the city. Here there were attackers patrolling the border and where a American flag used to hang there was a flag with a Asian dragon coiled around a beyblade Zilon had never seen before. As he squatted behind a parked car, a strong hand covered his mouth and the other hand around his shoulders, then a second teenage boy pulled up his legs and the two lifted and carried him away to abandoned walmart.
"Who are you?" Zilon said in a scared voice.
"What's left of BBA in this city" replied a boy with jet black hair. "Why did bring me here?" Asked Zilon, "Because there was a patrol car coming your way, Me and james are BBA agents, we were looking for a place where there weren't patrollers and we came across you" said the black haired kid said.
How do I know you guys aren't one of them, at that moment Zilon pulled out his bey, blizzard polgorg with a blue 3 segment grip, with a matching string launcher.
"Whoa, chill kid, just put down the bey" said James finally. "No, I don't even know who you are" replied Zilon. The black haired boy then took out his bey and launched in a flash.
"No, not now drake" said James .
Zilon launched in reply to drake launching, "go polgorg" said Zilon . His bey attacked and made contact but but drake's bey didn't even move.
"What happened?" Said Zilon
"My doom mole has a metal free spinning fusion wheel so it takes no damage at all" replied drake, after he said that his bey's fusion wheel stop free spinning and spikes popped out and it attack polgorg and KOed it.
"You could have just asked for our BBA badges" said drake as he showed Zilon his.
"Oh, yeah, how do u plan on getting to safety ?" Said Zilon
how was it? It's kinda short sorry about that
Doom mole:
CW: it has a clear wheel with one side spikes and one side smooth making it very unbalanced
MW: it can go in attack mode which is when the spikes come out and it is not free spinning
Track: wc145 ( wide circle) it has a wide and circular non gimmicked track
Bottom: EB ( eternal ball) it is a free spinning ball
Beast: a mole
Blizzard polgorg:
CW: it has a clear wheel with four ice Phoenix heads coming out each side
MW: I has a wheel with six spikes coming out the sides
Track: it has a b145 track ( blade) that are extremely sharp
Bottom : rxf ( rubber extreme flat) the name says it all
Beast: an ice Phoenix
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - Bularieleone - Oct. 27, 2013
You know you can just put the next chapter in the OP right?
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - LimiTTrickster - Oct. 27, 2013
(Oct. 27, 2013 10:02 PM)DRAGON KING Wrote: Chapter 2 guys After walking all night , to scared to rest, Zilon found himself at the west edge of the city. Here there were attackers patrolling the border and where a American flag used to hang there was a flag with a Asian dragon coiled around a beyblade Zilon had never seen before. As he squatted behind a parked car, a strong hand covered his mouth and the other hand around his shoulders, then a second teenage boy pulled up his legs and the two lifted and carried him away to abandoned walmart. "Who are you?" Zilon said in a scared voice. "What's left of BBA in this city" replied a boy with jet black hair. "Why did bring me here?" Asked Zilon, "Because there was a patrol car coming your way, Me and james are BBA agents, we were looking for a place where there weren't patrollers and we came across you" said the black haired kid said.
How do I know you guys aren't one of them, at that moment Zilon pulled out his bey, blizzard polgorg with a blue 3 segment grip, with a matching string launcher.
"Whoa, chill kid, just put down the bey" said James finally. "No, I don't even know who you are" replied Zilon. The black haired boy then took out his bey and launched in a flash.
"No, not now drake" said James .
Zilon launched in reply to drake launching, "go polgorg" said Zilon . His bey attacked and made contact but but drake's bey didn't even move.
"What happened?" Said Zilon
"My doom mole has a metal free spinning fusion wheel so it takes no damage at all" replied drake, after he said that his bey's fusion wheel stop free spinning and spikes popped out and it attack polgorg and KOed it.
"You could have just asked for our BBA badges" said drake as he showed Zilon his.
"Oh, yeah, how do u plan on getting to safety ?" Said Zilon
how was it? It's kinda short sorry about that
Yeah... a tad short. As Ultramarine said before, try and leave a gap every time it's a new speaker.
EG:
Quote:"Who are you?" Zilon said in a scared voice.
"What's left of BBA in this city" replied a boy with jet black hair.
This'll make it look neater, and lengthen your chapters.
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - DRAGON KING - Oct. 27, 2013
Ok I made the changes jacola said
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - BIGBANG! - Oct. 27, 2013
Good alot better now, I thought the part "abandoned walmart" was really funny lol, but yeah as jacolal daid space it out and make It a tad longer and it'll be great.
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - DRAGON KING - Oct. 27, 2013
Thanks, lol I thought that would be good cause Walmart has everything u need to survive lol
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - BIGBANG! - Oct. 27, 2013
Yeah true it is really funny lol.
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - DRAGON KING - Oct. 28, 2013
I added the beyblade description in my post with chapter 2
RE: The dragon bladers(story) [now updated!!!] - DRAGON KING - Oct. 30, 2013
Hey guys sorry for wait this is chapter 3
we ready?" Asked Zilon
"Yup, where's James ?" Replied drake
"Using the bathroom for the third time in the last hour" said Zilon thats when James came out of the Walmart bathroom and jogged towards them in the launcher aisle
"Wooh, gotta get that frozen apple pie out" James said as they immediately head toward the exit,
They hesitantly went down the rode toward a rather small red car, drake walked up to it and launched his at the window, shattering it.
"That's vandalism!"said Zilon
Drake looked at him with a "are u kidding me face"
He then unlocked and hot wired it
"Get in"
They all got in and drake drove at Near 70 miles per hour, as Zilon and jame held on to there inside door handles, they reach the eastern edge of the city and came face to face with a attacker patroller in a jeep.
Drake just sped up and slightly turn to the left to try and get past it but they couldn't. The collision's power pushed drake in the steering wheel, knocking him unconscious and his head bleeding, Zilon held drake's head, but he wasn't alive. As Zilon realized it, he told James to go out and make a run for the woods outside the city and that he was going to finish the dragon's once and for all, James did as he said and ran, Zilon walked up to the patrollers as they got out of the car, feeling dizzy. Zilon aimed at them ready to launch, but they aren't going to go down easily, they launched at each other in synergy. The blades clashed, but Zilon won easily and sent then running for reinforcements. Zilon got in the jeep, still on rampage and drove to the dragon's HQ (his fathers mansion) and drove right into the side of the house. After this and the air bags smacking him in the face, he cooled down from the rampage and walked out of the car and stumbled/ran to the woods outside of the city and saw a moving figure in the now night time "James, is that you?" He said in a hurt voice
"Yeah, Zilon" James replied after seeing him and helping him walk to a assortment of tents deeper in the woods.
Here's the rest of the city Zilon, the ones that survived getting out of the city I guess......."
"Is my family ok?" Asked Zilon
"Yeah, the survivors got your family back! Luckily mine are safe too"
The conversation went he was getting his injuries treated outside te tents.
Then his family ran, filled with happiness and hugged him.
Epilogue
the dragons were a terrorist group that had grown large enough to take over a city, in this case, the city of decksville. Within a couple days the military was able to take down the dragons and restore the city, but to this day, decksville citizens are always grateful to the Walmart that helped the three boys survive ( we salute u walmarts).
Edit: would u guys like me to do another?
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - Bularieleone - Oct. 30, 2013
Why don't you just put chapters in your first post? It makes it easier for people to find it.
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - DRAGON KING - Oct. 30, 2013
I can't find out how to put spoiler in things I edit
RE: The dragon bladers ( story ) - Bularieleone - Oct. 30, 2013
like this:
[spoiler] and at the end
[ /spoiler]
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