World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.
(story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - Printable Version

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+--- Thread: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World (/Thread-story-Beyblade-Axel-s-Journey-to-the-World)



(story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - kaihiwatari5673 - Aug. 18, 2012

Every time a word is like this, it means that Blader DJ is talking


Introduction

chapter 1
chapter 2
chapter 3
chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
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More chapters coming soon if you want to give me a new character, post with the name, bey (can be made up or it can exist already) and bio. Come back soon to read the next chapters and tell me what you guys think??



RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - Cookie Bouquets - Aug. 19, 2012

hmm,dialogue works like this

I meet my friend.
Hi," I say.
"Yo," He replies.
We walk away from each other.

They need their own line.


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - kaihiwatari5673 - Aug. 19, 2012

So did you like it or not??


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - CBP - Aug. 19, 2012

your story is good and she gave me the same post


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - TakasuMouce - Aug. 19, 2012

The chapters are far too short.
A chapter is more than at least two paragraphs.


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - kaihiwatari5673 - Aug. 19, 2012

Ok i'll try to make the chapters longer and chapter 3 is set.


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - kaihiwatari5673 - Aug. 19, 2012

chapter 4 is up


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - omega dragonis1 - Aug. 19, 2012

cool i like it Grin


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - kaihiwatari5673 - Aug. 19, 2012

What did you like?? I like the parallel universe and the glasses thing


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - ElementalDude97 - Aug. 20, 2012

It sounds like yugioh zexal!you put your glasses on to duel...then you duel and start making destruction after you take out your glasses it gone!


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - BattleLion - Aug. 20, 2012

I don't Like this story infect I hate it...


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - Dual - Aug. 20, 2012

Try giving him constructive critisism. Tell him what he could work on to make the story better.


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - kaihiwatari5673 - Aug. 20, 2012

Thank you Beyniac


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - Dual - Aug. 20, 2012

You're welcome Grin Just some suggestions: Try to lengthen your chapters by describing everything and everything (well not EVERYTHING but you catch my drift...). For example, in chapter one- Describe what Axel does the rest of the day. Does he train? Get his combos ready? stuff like that. And when Axel is watching the one guy battle the other guy make it something like this- He saw a boy about 13 years old. He was wearing a hoodie and jeans. He decided to watch him. "Who is that guy?" Axel wondered. The boy was battling a young kid., "Attack!!" The guy yelled. His beyblade circled the stadium once and moved in for the kill. He broke the opponent's beyblade into half. Axel gasped. He had never seen anything like it. "What happens if I face him right at the beginning?" Axel wondered nervously. Also work on your grammar and all will be well Grin


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - kaihiwatari5673 - Aug. 20, 2012

First of all, there are no stadiums in the universe he's in and if I change any thing from the previous chapters the readers will have to read the whole chapter again and to just read a little part of the chapter that I changed. Also I'm going to write the next chapter maybe tomorrow, have a lot of homework.


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - Dual - Aug. 20, 2012

I don't mean change the chapter, just a way to show my suggestions.


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - kaihiwatari5673 - Aug. 20, 2012

Oh ok


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - Scout25 - Aug. 21, 2012

I think that you should elaborate more on the battles themselves and sort of like Beyniac said, fin little things that you could fill the gaps with.


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - kaihiwatari5673 - Aug. 21, 2012

Ok and chapter 5 will be coming soon (actually tomorrow afternoon cuz of skool


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - kaihiwatari5673 - Aug. 25, 2012

Chapter 5 is up for reading. Now I'm going to do one chapter per day (maybe per weekend days)


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - kaihiwatari5673 - Sep. 08, 2012

Chapter 6 is up for reading and criticizing


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - kaihiwatari5673 - Sep. 08, 2012

Chapter 7 is ready for reading and criticizing


RE: (story) Beyblade: Axel's Journey to the World - kaihiwatari5673 - Sep. 08, 2012

Chapter 8 is up for reading and criticizing. I gotta say chapter 8 was one of my bests