White Flame [A Story]- Ch.1 in OP! - Tri - Aug. 11, 2012
This is my first non-beyblade story. Please give constructive critisism on how I can improve.
Prolouge
Dear Dr. Xicor Kuruma,
I wish I had the money needed to cure my beloved son. I leave him here with you to help with his major heart condition. I heard of your research and even though it's still not endorsed by the FDA, I hope you can help him. Please, he is what keeps me living.
Regards, Sangike Setay.
This is the note my mother left for Dr. Xicor Flame that changed my life forever. I don't remember much of my mother, but I just hope I can see her again someday. Dr. Xicor raised me since I was 2 years old. He has created medicines only for me. They aren't endorsed by the Health places, but they certainly keep me alive. It's 2060, just in my 15 year old life right now, technology is advancing at a tremendous rate which allows Xicor to create a device that may be able to cure my heart condition completely. I am not sure what it's called, but Xicor's private medical and science facility, White Flame, know what they are doing. This facility is also my home. It has been for 13 years as of today, my birthday. I always get great gifts for my birthday, but today I don't get my gifts for a while. Today I have what may cure my heart disease implanted in my chest.
"Kaname, I know you are scared, but out of my research there are no known side-effects." Says Xicor.
"I know, I'm just nervous, that's all. I mean, how would I not be I am getting cut open!" I yell.
"Haha, It only goes in about 4 layers of skin!" He says with a chuckle.
Yeah, laugh while your about to cut me! That makes me feel real good!...
"Your creepy beard is making the situation seem more weird." I say with a smirk.
"Hey, this is a great beard, not to big, but not really small!" He says.
"Ok, What-evs, let's get it over with" I say, still kinda nervous.
They put a numbing medicine into my chest and put some sleepy medicine in my IV and then... I'm out. I had a weird dream the short time, it felt like a short time anyways, that I was out of it. A white flamed small candle in the middle of a dark room, is standing still. I walk towards the fluoresent light of the shining candle. I put my hand near the small flame, but feel no heat. I keep putting my hand closer until my hand is literally in the flame. It's doesn't hurt, nor burn. Instead it lets a cooloing sensation flow through my body. The flame twinkles up my arm, now floating at my bare chest. The white flame slowly glides into my chest, then I wake up.
"He's awake Dr." Says a surgeon to Xicor.
"Hey sleepy head, how you feel?" He asks in a weird tone.
"I feel good, like really good." I say.
"Look at your chest" Xicor asks.
I didn't want to look at my chest at all. I didn't want to see a giant scar stitched together, but eventually I look. On my chest is a strange looking round device with a white glowing center and four long tentacle-like things coming from the top, bottom, right, and left. It's kinda scary at first, but then I realize... I feel completely fine! My chest doesn't ache anymore when I breathe. I don't know the point of this device, but no matter. I feel like a Phoenix that will never burn out!
Chapter 1: Sangue
Days of hard therapy went by to ensure that the device was Okay. I had so many question I wanted to ask Xicor. The main one being, what the device really does. I never had time to sit down and chat with Xicor considering he was always in his office doing paper-work, or at some meeting that just protained him and his science buddies. The only thing he has told me to do is exercise, and if I leave the house, to wear a sweatshirt so that the device doesn't show, but also to not tell anyone!
"Hey Kaname! Haven't seen you in forever!" Said Sangue excitedly.
"Yeah! It sure has! Probably about two weeks.
Sangue never lets a conversation get akward. He always talks and makes sure there is never a moment of silence! Sangue has had a hard life, like me. When he was younger, he was born with sight in only one eye. People at the public school always teased him about it. He has red hair so
he was also teased about that. I never had to worry since I have been home-schooled, but it really is sad what a hard time he has gone through.
"Can you keep a secret?" I ask Sangue.
"Of course I can, what's up?" Says Sangue.
"Well, I can't really tell you good, but rather show you..." I say as I take off my shirt.
Once my sweatshirt is off, Sangue's jaw drops in astonishment as he gazes at the odd object in my chest. I could tell that he was wondering what it does, but I don't know myself, only that it treats my heart.
"I noticed that you weren't breathing as hard as usual!" Sangue says excitedly. "Could that thing cure my blindness!"
Just the question I wish he wouldn't have asked.
"I can't say myself. The fact is, I don't really know."
"Kaname, I would give anything to be able to see the world with two eyes!" He says loudly.
"Sangue, I wasn't supposed to tell anyone! If Xicor finds ....!" He cuts me off.
"What? What will he do? Huh? What could he do that would be so terrible!" He says louder than before.
"I... I don't know! He cou... well mayb... I really don't know! I suppose he can't, so I guess you could ask him." I say.
I take Sangue back to White Flame. When I enter Xicor's office, he seems dissapointed. Sangue gives him a long speech about how he would do anything to help Xicor with research and how he would do
anything just to see the world in two eyes. Xicor accepts and takes Sangue to the OR.
The time waiting seemed long, but was only forty-five minutes. When Sangue comes out of the OR, the first thing I notice is his eye. His pupil on his left eye has the same device in it as my chest. Sangue, at the age
of 18, recieved his Branch of Flame.
I also have drawings of the characters in manga style. I will put them here sometime.
Please post if you read it.
RE: White Flame [A Story]- Prolouge in OP - Tech - Aug. 12, 2012
This is a really nice start! I'm looking forward to reading more.
RE: White Flame [A Story]- Prolouge in OP - Tri - Aug. 12, 2012
Thanks, I am starting school tomorrow so I won't have much time on my hands, but I will continue.
RE: White Flame [A Story]- Prolouge in OP - Sword Master - Aug. 12, 2012
wow this is a great start i love it!!!
RE: White Flame [A Story]- Prolouge in OP - sarabscientist - Aug. 12, 2012
This is amazing, and yes, I will kill if more is not posted. Some minor spelling mistakes here and there, but overall excellent work. You should really sign up for PenPad forums! They will give you serious reviews
RE: White Flame [A Story]- Prolouge in OP - Tri - Aug. 12, 2012
I'm not surprised in the spelling mistakes. I havent been in school for 2 months, lol.
RE: White Flame [A Story]- Prolouge in OP - wtater888 - Sep. 11, 2012
I only found one spelling mistake but i suck at speling(ha) hid=his I believe. It's in the 3rd line if you include the dear line.
RE: White Flame [A Story]- Prolouge in OP - dragonFang101 - Sep. 11, 2012
its a really gr8 story
its a really gr8 story
RE: White Flame [A Story]- Prolouge in OP - akio314 - Sep. 11, 2012
I wonder what the thing does? Maybe it gives him superpowers or something!
RE: White Flame [A Story]- Prolouge in OP - eveedemon - Sep. 28, 2012
would love to see the drawings
RE: White Flame [A Story]- Prolouge in OP - Tri - Sep. 28, 2012
Oh god, I'm sorry. I forgot all about doing that since school started when I first started writing this. I might do some drawings.
And I'd better continue the story or else Insomniac will kill someone! (Referred to post at top)
Chapter 1 in now in the OP! As for the drawings, I will do them tonight and will post them tonight or tomorrow.
RE: White Flame [A Story]- Ch.1 in OP! - sarabscientist - Sep. 29, 2012
(Aug. 11, 2012 11:21 PM)Tri Wrote: I also have drawings of the characters in manga style. I will put them here sometime now.
Fixed
And excellent new chapter. Looking forward to more (no duh).
RE: White Flame [A Story]- Ch.1 in OP! - Tri - Sep. 29, 2012
Thank you! That means a lot coming from a great pretender...
RE: White Flame [A Story]- Ch.1 in OP! - sarabscientist - Sep. 29, 2012
(Sep. 29, 2012 12:26 AM)Tri Wrote: That means a lot coming from a great pretender...
I can be a lot of things. And honest is one of them. Really, keep up this story or die.
RE: White Flame [A Story]- Ch.1 in OP! - Tri - Oct. 02, 2012
I want to keep my posts on this site primarily beyblade, so if you wish to see this story more, go to the PenPad forums where I will add more.
RE: White Flame [A Story]- Ch.1 in OP! - Tri - Mar. 26, 2013
I think I'll continue this here for Spring Break. Expect new chapters every day or couple days! I MAY add drawings.
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