Beyblade story - Syco - Jul. 09, 2012
This is my first story so tell me frankly about the story.
The mysterious girl:
It was a warm and sunny day in Buenos Aries.Zack,the best blader of the city was on his way to the 'beycity'.His beypoints were the second highest in the world,a jaw dropping 31500 points. He held the record for not being defeated ever in his life.This day was different.As he entered the beypark everyone were huddled up around one beystadium."GO NOW ARES!!!"came a sound from inside.The next second there was a bey 5 cm into a pillar.He always had an urge for battling strong bladers."Hey you,"said Zack"muster some courage and play me!"They both got ready at the stadium with their beys,"Me and screw lynx 85MF will crush you,grind you and mince-""Shut up and play!!"he yelled back at him.He was going to lose real bad now thought Zack."3 2 1 LET IT RIIIIIIIPPPPP!!!!"they both screamed.Then everything was a blur.He woke up After what felt like a millennium."What happened?Where am I?"Zack said."All your questions will be answered soon Zack Kurogane."That was his full name.Nobody knew his full name."Who are you?"Zack asked.
The second dimension:
Zack was discharged the next day. "You still didn't answer my question. Who are you?" Zack asked the mysterious girl. She looked like she was in her mid puberty age. "My name is Mirai Kimoto. I have been assigned by an inter dimensional beyblade organisation as your protector." she said."Protector? From who?" Zack asked Mirai. "Long ago,there was a dark bey called lightning bull. It was a spin stealer. It always had dark influences on its blader. Now,there is a man called Namllort Perd,he has found the dark bey and had stolen it. He's planning to destroy the world." Mirai said it as if it was happening right in front of them. "Let me guess,the guy who I fought is Namllort?" Zack asked.Mirai was really hot,Zack was asking these questions because he didn't know the answer and he was trying to hit on her."No it was just one of his cronies.".
The next day,more bladers came,there was a guy from France called Francis Bonnefoy.He could not stop flirting with Mirai.Then there was a guy from China called Yamaha Komiku.Then there was a guy from Italy called Joey Oruto who looked like he was in middle of a lot of financial problems.
"All of you hold my hands." Mirai said. "With pleasure,my lady." Francis said.Then she took something out of her pocket and pressed a button. They were all instantly teleported into a very shiny room with different beystadiums. "Where are we?" Zack asked. "This is a special dimension made for our practice." Mirai said. They started battling immediately.Zack started battling Yamaha. He took out his bey Meteo ldrago 85XF and attached it to his launcher quietly. "3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!" Zack screamed on the top of his lungs. Both of the beys went flying into the stadium. Yamaha started moving very oddly. His bey started turning red. Then a dragon came out of the bey and started to fly higher and higher and finally it came and struck Zack's bey really hard. "Finish it Ldrago!!" Yamaha screamed. It was probably the first time he screamed. "Not so fast." Zack said.""Do it now lynx,FLAMING CAT FIREBALL!!" Zack shouted. His bey went straight at Yamaha's bey.The next moment,both beys were one and a half feet deep in a pillar. Everybody had stopped their battle to look at Yamaha Vs. Zack.
They had dinner at around nine and slept. Little did they know what the next day held for them.
The day lynx stopped spinning:
The next day, Zack woke up at around 11am. He freshened up and and was walking towards the dining table. Just then somebody appeared from a warp and landed right on him. It was a girl. She looked very calm and classy, and also that look of hidden anger and vengeance lurking beneath her. Just then Mirai came. "Oh there you are! I told you not to use warp transport." Mirai said. They then walked towards the dining room. Zack and the girl were still blushing.
Francis fighting for a place between Mirai and the new girl during brunch. Zack sat between Mirai and Joey. "So, introduce yourself, Katana." Mirai said very enthusiastically. "I am Katana Junai. I was selected as another member for this group. I use Hell Zurafa H145S." she said in a very dull tone. Her expressions reminded Zack of Bruce Wayne from Batman.
They finished their brunch at around 1 pm and went to the battle room. "Hey Katana" Zack called, "lets battle." Zack said very confidently. She approached the stadium quietly. They both readied their beys and launchers. "3 2 1 LET IT RIP!!!" Zack screamed launching his bey. Both the beys hit the brink of the stadium and went for each other. "Push Zurafa out Lynx!" Zack commanded. Lynx started to deliver a volley of attacks on Zurafa. "Keep it up, Lynx!" Zack said. After smashing it in every direction possible, Zack called upon his special move. "LYNX,FLAMING CAT FIREBALL!!!" Zack screamed. "TORNADO BLITZ!!" Katana said. both the beys started to clash each other making huge noises. Finally, they both clashed each other with such a large force, that the roof and the floor were cracked. There was a huge smokescreen. After it cleared, Zack and Katana were on the ground wounded and unconscious, but their beys were still spinning, wobbling vigorously. Then, lynx fell.
They both woke up in a large room, surrounded by all the other people. "You had one heck of a battle!" Francis said. "Where are we?" Zack asked wearily. "We're in the hospital wing, you both fell unconscious after the final strike. So we got you here." Mirai said. "Who won?" Zack asked with his eyes widened. "You lost," Joey said "Katana won." he said surprised by his own words. Zack fell back and rested for some time.
They had their dinner in the hospital wing at 8pm sharp. They finished at 9:30pm and went to bed. Tomorrow was a very special day for Zack. he slept thinking about the day his father got him his first beyblade, Screw Lynx 85MF. Dreaming with ecstasy in his heart and soul.
Tell me if i should continue and i have char requests open
name
bey
type
special move
char description
gender
good/bad
RE: Beyblade story - sarabscientist - Jul. 09, 2012
Character request:
Name: Namllort Perd
Bey: Lightning Bull
Special Move: Rage
Description: Human. Normal looking except for one hand that is awkwardly twisted. So he has to pull the rip cord from his teeth.
Gender: Dude
EVIL.
RE: Beyblade story - Cookie Bouquets - Jul. 09, 2012
Hello there it appears you don't know how to use dialogue.
Dialogue works like this,
"hey John!" exclaimed Mike.
"Hi Mike," said John.
Name: Mirai Kimoto
bey: Flash CancerCH120 RF
Type: attack
Special: you decide.
Char description: More or less a nice person. Other than that she has brown long hair, brown eyes, And if there is the basic school uniform if not you decide.
Gender: female
good
I'll think of more characters.
RE: Beyblade story - ChinaBladeâ„¢ - Jul. 09, 2012
All in all, it's pretty good. Work on these things:
1. Make the chapters longer.
2. Space after each sentence.
3. What Shirayuki said.
If you want me to help with aything, PM me.
Character Request
Name: Francis Bonnefoy
Bey: MF-H Phantom Virgo S130MB
Type: Stamina
Special Move: Shadow Deception Blast (Virgo multiplies itself and attacks from all sides.)
Personality: A very flirtatious, nice, young man. He is always surrounded by ladies and is the number one blader in France. He came to Buenos Aries when he heard about Zack. He enjoys helping others in need and is filthy rich. He has never lost a battle in his life.
Clothes: He has dirty blonde, shoulder-length hair and blue eyes. He wears a long blue coat and matching capelet, with red pants and brown boots. He carries a red rose and has two swords by his side. He uses them when he or his friends are in danger. He has his bey and launcher in his belt.
Gender: Male
Side: Good.
RE: Beyblade story - DefStamina88 - Jul. 10, 2012
Ehhh...What ChinaBlade said. But definitely a good start! My character...
Name: Yamaha Komiku (Male, Age 14)
Bey: Meteo L-Drago Assault 85XF (Attack type, duh..)
Special Move: Soaring BiteStrike (A giant Dragon attacks directly on the opponent...)
Personality: A very nice fellow. A monk from China. Meditates before every battle, and doesn't care about a win or a loss. Bald, with the Ying-Yang sign on his forehead...
Clothes: An orange karate costume with a black belt, and black shoes to match...
Side: Good...
RE: Beyblade story - King of Misfits - Jul. 10, 2012
name: Joey Oruto
bey: Saramanda Reviser GB145CS
type: Defense!
special move: Levithan Axe Smash ( A levithan warrior erupts out of him and smashes his axes on his opponent's bey.
char description: Joey is the best blader in Italy, but his family is facing a finacial problem. His goal is to rid the world of the evil bladers that caused his family hardship. He is kind, brave, trust-worthy, a little bit crazy, smart and strong. He wears skinny jeans, converse shoes, a green t-shirt, and glasses. He has brown hair and eyes.
gender: MALE
good/bad: Good
(Joey represents me, except for the finacial problem part.)
RE: Beyblade story - Syco - Jul. 13, 2012
Chapter two is out and it has all your characters.I kept in mind what you guys said and wrote it.
RE: Beyblade story - DefStamina88 - Jul. 13, 2012
Ehhhh..characters could've been portrayed in much more detail, and the battle really wasn't as exciting as I was expecting... :\
Yeah, this needs quite a bit more work from now on...
RE: Beyblade story - ChinaBladeâ„¢ - Jul. 13, 2012
It's pretty good, but... Francis is from France, not Italy. XD
RE: Beyblade story - Syco - Jul. 14, 2012
people who only post in this thread are allowed to vote
RE: Beyblade story - *Converse* - Jul. 14, 2012
here's my character
Name: Katana Junai
bey: Hell Zurafa H145S
special: Ninja Samurai Slash, Tornado Blitz
type: Balance
char description: Nice and cool-headed, wears a shining white robe, brown gloves, green cargo pants and black boots
gender: female
good
RE: Beyblade story - Syco - Jul. 14, 2012
dude u guys are sending in only good chars, i need bad ones too. i got only one evil char so far.
(Jul. 09, 2012 8:50 AM)Insomniac Wrote: Character request:
Name: Namllort Perd
Bey: Lightning Bull
Special Move: Rage
Description: Human. Normal looking except for one hand that is awkwardly twisted. So he has to pull the rip cord from his teeth.
Gender: Dude
EVIL.
RE: Beyblade story - *Converse* - Jul. 14, 2012
Can i ask one more (bad)
Name:Count
Bey: Siphon Vampire TH170EWD
Type: Stamina
the rest you decide
RE: Beyblade story - Cookie Bouquets - Jul. 14, 2012
How do 3 guys just appear?
RE: Beyblade story - ChinaBladeâ„¢ - Jul. 14, 2012
(Jul. 14, 2012 8:02 AM)Shirayuki Wrote: How do 3 guys just appear?
Ditto. I was thinking the same thing.
RE: Beyblade story - Syco - Aug. 06, 2012
Chapter 3, the day lynx stopped spinning, is out!!
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